Author LaceyMcAntire Posted July 31, 2020 Author Posted July 31, 2020 1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said: Have you two ever had any sort of talk about what's going on between you? Or is it more that you hang out sometimes and it sometimes leads to sex, and you never really mention it again? We have had the conversations. I know how he feels, which is he cares alot about me and his feelings are super strong, but then this stuff happens.. so he confuses me. I dont know if hes legitimately afraid of his feelings and not ready for a relationship and wants to keep me as a friend, or if hes using me to stroke his ego, See where I can get confused?
Versacehottie Posted July 31, 2020 Posted July 31, 2020 5 hours ago, LaceyMcAntire said: I just want so bad to be like, you did this, you did that, to make him see the value in me. Although I know I am ultimately the creator of this problem as much as he is, I think you are right. The high road for me would be to just stop calling and surely, that should be enough for him to realize Im not going to do it anymore considering I believe he just expects me to call... as would be yelling at him and telling him that..Id rather not create a problem between us as what friends we are left, if there isnt one to begin with... other than me... I think you're right, because when I dont call him, I feel so much more powerful and in control. Maybe I just need to get over wanting to tell him everything I think he does wrong, because that will essentially make me look more foolish than just walking away and getting on with my life. Agreed? Am I understanding your advice correctly? You should be a therapist or a psychologist! Oh and I dont always initiate.. if I wait it out a couple days or 3, he will call me. But it's always "see, I called you first" which I believe is due to his own insecurities.. otherwise, I doubt that he would have called, unless he wanted to.. or at least, thats what keeps me hanging on If you want to show him that you have VALUE, then screaming at him to try to get him to treat you better, be in touch and be in a relationship, conveys the opposite. Remember I said what would an ideal girlfriend of this guy or a girl he'd be falling all over himself not to f*ck up do----she wouldn't put up with these shenanigans, she would just think he was useless and not up to her standard and have a line of guys waiting to date her. Now of course, it doesn't always truly happen like that but that is how they act and how you should act. I mean, IS this good enough for you? You can't be basically saying he's lame & an idiot for how he treats you and still be desperate to be with him? It sends the wrong message about YOU. I wouldn't worry about making yourself look foolish so much. I guess that's not really the point. He already thinks less than flattering things about you on some level or you would not be getting this treatment. Not putting you down; but your ACCEPTANCE of his substandard treatment is exactly why you continue to get it. Don't accept it. Make that clear by being out of touch because of his uninspiring behavior. The high road is in regards pretty much to the part where you don't have to tell someone off when you don't need their input to do what you are going to do and you certainly don't waste your time/breath trying to make them feel bad or guilty because that doesn't work & is transparent in that you want a reaction. Indifference says far more really. Like you don't affect me. Part of the reason you would feel more in control is that if he came after you he'd be chasing you--that's typically how guys like to do it. They like to "choose" who they will be with or at least think they are choosing. It also wouldn't be so one-sided and you'd really see what he is offering rather than filing in the blanks and doing a lot of the work yourself. It may be too late and maybe he's made his mind up about you for good. Or a bad dynamic or pattern is set. If he's playing mind games with the initiating the phone calls, he just might not have the maturity & security to date anyone really, but also you. Also if you are resentful and kind of b*tchy or toe tapping on the phone like wanting to go off on him because you have all these expectations, it's not good either. It's a standoff. You could also be honest with him if he got ahold of you and was asking what's up, why have you disappeared: just say you need some space. There is no reason you have to say everything all at once or give a long detailed explanation. Vague is working for him, isn't it? Take some space to see how things play out. I would hope that maybe you won't care and the dynamic will change. Somehow you need to believe you are better than this treatment. Lastly I also believe that when you tell people they can't have something, they often want it and will increase their efforts. This applies to so many things, not only dating. His efforts might still not be good enough for you though. Try to change it where you are seeing if he merits access into your world, instead of proving that you merit access into his! This is exactly why you should not go off on him.
BaileyB Posted July 31, 2020 Posted July 31, 2020 Lacey, I think you have two options. One, you just decide to let this go because you know that you want more and he is not able to give you what you want. Or two, you have a conversation with him and tell him what YOU want. Don’t ask if he wants to have a relationship with you - tell him that YOU have decided you want a serious relationship and you are not going to settle for anything less anymore. The ball is then in his court - if he has feelings for you, he will step up because he wants to be with you. Or, he will let this go... This may bring you more clarity as to his expectations - particularly if you haven’t really had an honest discussion about expectations/goals with him. It’s a nice way to lay it on the line, without risking too much. You still have control - as a woman of value, if he wants to be with you, he needs to demonstrate this to you and change his behavior.
ExpatInItaly Posted August 1, 2020 Posted August 1, 2020 12 hours ago, LaceyMcAntire said: I know how he feels, which is he cares alot about me and his feelings are super strong, but then this stuff happens.. He's said his feelings are super-strong, but his behaviour doesn't support that. 2
Author LaceyMcAntire Posted August 10, 2020 Author Posted August 10, 2020 (edited) A guy friend of mine kissed me.. we are pretty close, but should I call him or wait for him to call me? I know it sounds silly, but I don't want to come off as being too obnoxious, because I am notorious for being impatient, and calling him alot.. so will this make me more "desireable" if I play it cool and let him take the lead? I think I can take the sign of him kissing me, also, a mutual friend was kidding and said he was "chattin up" a coworker, as a joke, and he told me he didnt want me to believe that at all, without me even seeming jealous or upset over it... lol so I would imagine, I should just take it as a sign he's into me too and let him pursue? Ive pursued him in the past, and it always made me neurotic, but we recently went about 3 weeks without talking or seeing each other, so maybe the time apart was helpful? Edited August 10, 2020 by LaceyMcAntire
Wiseman2 Posted August 10, 2020 Posted August 10, 2020 If it's FWB and you communicate regularly, just contact him.
d0nnivain Posted August 10, 2020 Posted August 10, 2020 How long has it been since he kissed you? If less then 48 hours, wait. If more you have to consider you might be more invested then him. At the 72 hour mark you can reach out but have low expectations.
Author LaceyMcAntire Posted August 10, 2020 Author Posted August 10, 2020 @d0nnivain It's literally been less than 4 hours. It seems pathetic, but I have been trying to figure this man out for awhile, and I posted another topic once before where I felt like I do all the intiating, and I was tired of it, so, after not talking for awhile, and him telling me he missed me, seemed genuinely concerned I felt he was flirting with someone else, although I said nothing about it, and that he kissed me.. I feel like I have been able to recover from the annoyingness I created from calling him so often and being too clingy, so I was hoping if I just chill out, and let him call me, I will feel better about it. So thanks for that advice, I will wait and see if he calls me, if he takes longer than a couple days, I will for sure just let him go, because I will know if he waits a few more days, he doesn't truly care./
d0nnivain Posted August 10, 2020 Posted August 10, 2020 4 hours? For heaven's sake do NOT call. Give the man at least 24 hours. A kiss is a good thing. You chasing after him is bad. 1
Author LaceyMcAntire Posted August 10, 2020 Author Posted August 10, 2020 No I didnt mean I would call him anytime today, I just meant, should I initiate the nxt call in general lol gosh no, I would be absolutely insane to call today lol
poppyfields Posted August 10, 2020 Posted August 10, 2020 (edited) It's only been a 4 hours, how about embracing the uncertainty of not knowing anything for awhile? Simply do your thing and allow him the opportunity to think about the kiss, wonder what YOU are thinking and how YOU are feeling. Try and relax about it, okay? Make uncertainty work for you by becoming excited about what's unknown and eventually finding out? Like when you were a kid before Christmas, not knowing what's under the tree but being excited to find out! Think positively! He kissed you, fabulous! Time to sit back, allow him to think and wonder about you, and if he is interested in more, he will reach out. No pushing, no forcing it. All that usually accomplishes is you pushing a man right out that proverbial door. Edited August 11, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Removed deleted quote. 1 1
Ami1uwant Posted August 10, 2020 Posted August 10, 2020 2 hours ago, LaceyMcAntire said: No I didnt mean I would call him anytime today, I just meant, should I initiate the nxt call in general lol gosh no, I would be absolutely insane to call today lol Was this a drunk kiss? did you want it ?
Versacehottie Posted August 10, 2020 Posted August 10, 2020 Same as your thread last week, you have to chill out. Let him take the lead. You said on that one that you have a tendency to be pushy, impatient. The same advice goes even as things have evolved. Relax a LOT lol. You are in danger of over-investing and having your impatience drive people away. You need to show that you are not desperate for this--by not being desperate 6
curlygirl40 Posted August 11, 2020 Posted August 11, 2020 (edited) Oh my goodness. I just read some of your other thread to get more context before I responded. You said before 'Men are complicated'. They are not. Not at all. There's this meme going around right now that says something like 'women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men actually spend thinking'. Think of him like a frightened deer, if you chase him he will run. You totally have to cool your jets. You know that feeling you have when you REALLY want to talk to him but he hasn't called you, so you call him and then you talk for a while so you get your fix. When you hang up, do you feel better? No, probably not. Because since you initiated the call, you don't know if he really wanted to talk to you or if he was just being nice. That feels yucky. You need to mirror. If he calls, you talk to him or return his call. If he texts, you return volley. If he asks you out, you enthusiastically say yes. Trust me when I say he KNOWS you are interested. I can feel your interest bounding through this page, he can feel it as well. It's not enough to be like 'I'm going to sit back and wait for him' if you are giving off such a desperate/needy vibe that he can feel it in another zip code. Relax. This isn't game play. You're not avoiding his calls or pretending not to like him, with this strategy you are just mirroring his actions so that you're not chasing a man who isn't interested in you. Like another poster said, let him wonder what you are feeling. So he kissed you. Great. Now wait to see what he does next. Go on a real date with him, if he asks. THEN I guess you can have an honest convo with him. I wouldn't, lol, I would still wait. But if you can't help yourself, you could say something like 'I really enjoy our friendship and I like you so much just as a basic human. I don't want to screw the friendship up but I am developing feelings for you and I would like to see where it goes, that is if you are feeling the same way'. THEN WAIT to see how he responds. When someone is not sure of what they want, when pushed they will walk away from the situation (typically). If he's still unsure, as hard as it may be, it's still best to wait and let him come around on his own versus driving him crazy or being pushy or demanding answers. And how will you recover? You just will. He's just a boy. Just a silly boy. Don't put so much of your attention or your value on him. If it's meant to work out, it will. Have faith that the universe has a plan. Edited August 11, 2020 by curlygirl40 grammar 3
BaileyB Posted August 11, 2020 Posted August 11, 2020 Is it possible that he offered a kiss to see if he would get sex? After all, it’s been a while... he kisses you, you get all excited and start to wonder if he’s coming around... and he gets what he wants, but nothing has really changed in the nature of the relationship? At a certain point, you are going to have to tell him that you want more than FWB. That’s when you will know what he really wants...
basil67 Posted August 11, 2020 Posted August 11, 2020 If there's one thing I learned as a young woman, it's that kissing, petting or sex does not mean that a man is necessarily interested in you. If this is the same man you wrote about before, him not contacting you for THREE WEEKS is a sure sign that he's not interested in starting a thing with you. If he was interested in having you as more than a friend, he'd show it by reaching out and taking you on dates.
mortensorchid Posted August 11, 2020 Posted August 11, 2020 WAIT. It's been barely 4 hours since that happened. Remember the 48 hour rule : if you haven't heard from him in 48 hours (text or call), you will not hear from him again. He might contact a few days later, you might have a 2nd get together with him, but he doesn't really care if you say yes. That will be it after the 2nd encounter.
Author LaceyMcAntire Posted August 11, 2020 Author Posted August 11, 2020 13 hours ago, Versacehottie said: Same as your thread last week, you have to chill out. Let him take the lead. You said on that one that you have a tendency to be pushy, impatient. The same advice goes even as things have evolved. Relax a LOT lol. You are in danger of over-investing and having your impatience drive people away. You need to show that you are not desperate for this--by not being desperate Thank you! 1
Author LaceyMcAntire Posted August 11, 2020 Author Posted August 11, 2020 10 hours ago, mortensorchid said: WAIT. It's been barely 4 hours since that happened. Remember the 48 hour rule : if you haven't heard from him in 48 hours (text or call), you will not hear from him again. He might contact a few days later, you might have a 2nd get together with him, but he doesn't really care if you say yes. That will be it after the 2nd encounter. Thanks, I am just afraid I will upset him by not calling him, that's my concern. So thanks everyone!
Author LaceyMcAntire Posted August 11, 2020 Author Posted August 11, 2020 (edited) 15 hours ago, Ami1uwant said: Was this a drunk kiss? did you want it ? No, not a drunk kiss, I wasn't really expecting how well things went yesterday to be honest. I feel like some time apart helped us. He was super nice.. a mutual friend was picking on him saying he was chattin up a co-worker.. he told me SEVERAL times he didnt want me to believe that, and then he did the 2 fingers to his eyes to my eyes, assuming meaning he only has eyes for me? lol Im not sure.. but anyway.. I told him it didnt matter, he's allowed to have other friends and it didn;t bother me at all.. he responded by saying, stop, that's not it I promise... lol so I dont know what bothered him so much about it.. but it felt good and I usually *F things up by being neurotic, so hopefully, just not calling him will make him want to call me. I was afraid of him "forgetting me" over our 3 weeks away from each other, but he called me first thing in the morning, so I assume he was thinking about me. Its possible this whole time I have been the problem by being pushy, impatient and have been driving him away as @Versacehottie suggested... who knows, but I feel better about it, I feel more in control of my emotions if I DONT call him, either he will continue to make more effort, or we will fizzle out, but I dont want to be the reason we fizzle out. Edited August 11, 2020 by LaceyMcAntire
Wiseman2 Posted August 11, 2020 Posted August 11, 2020 4 minutes ago, LaceyMcAntire said: I feel like some time apart helped us. Is this an ex?
Author LaceyMcAntire Posted August 11, 2020 Author Posted August 11, 2020 8 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Is this an ex? No, we've just been close for a couple years.
Author LaceyMcAntire Posted August 11, 2020 Author Posted August 11, 2020 9 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Is this an ex? We were apart due to him being on a work trip and then I went on vacation with family.
Allupinnit Posted August 11, 2020 Posted August 11, 2020 When a man really likes you and sees a future with you, he will make you his gf and not eff around like this guy. I've been you. I know countless other women who have been you. Getting all excited when the guy I wanted throws me a bone here and there. LAME. I'm afraid this isn't going to end well for you. Lukewarm guys RARELY if ever heat up. He's waiting until he meets the girl who REALLY gets him on his toes. And it will hurt a LOT when he does. 2
curlygirl40 Posted August 11, 2020 Posted August 11, 2020 51 minutes ago, LaceyMcAntire said: Thanks, I am just afraid I will upset him by not calling him, that's my concern. So thanks everyone! Think about this and realize how silly that is. You've been the one doing most of the calling, you've been the aggressor, etc. If all of a sudden the tables are turned, you've backed up appropriately and you're making him put some effort in and then he gets upset because you didn't call him 4 hours after the kiss? No, that's just silly talk. Space is a good thing here. If he truly is upset because you're not calling him, he's not really interested he's just playing games. Keep on keeping on 2
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