Should You Wait for the Guy to Call If....

July 30, 2020

6 minutes ago, LaceyMcAntire said:

So, not calling him is the plan, but any ideas on how to deal with the pain thats going to come when he doesnt call me? Its going to kick my ass because I will either wonder if he's mad im not calling him, or I will just feel like I was never important to him and that's an awful feeling.

Not calling him is a BAD plan. He may take that as you giving him the silent treatment & ghosting him because in the past, you have always been the one to initiate. For you to now suddenly change that pattern without telling him why is you expecting him to read your mind. That is not fair.

TALK to the man. Tell him what you want.

To do anything else guarantees this won't work out.

July 30, 2020

2 minutes ago, LaceyMcAntire said:

I guess I should say it like this as well... I will be disappointed for romantic purposes if he doesnt call, BUT what will be more upsetting is the fact that I really feel like we are great friends, so I will feel so bummed like I meant nothing to him as a friend this whole time either.

If he doesn't call, it's going to be better not to remain friends for the foreseeable future, either.

Yes, it will sting. But, you will also know you're not wasting any more time or energy on someone who just doesn't feel the same way. It's always better that we discover this sooner rather than later. Imagine how you'll feel if you keep in touch with him only to find out he's met someone and wants to prioritize her now? That's what you'd be setting yourself up for if this truly is as one-sided as it appears.

July 30, 2020

1 hour ago, LaceyMcAntire said:

Any advice on getting over it if he just isnt interested in connecting with me? I know it's easy to say, forget it, do something else.. but any words of wisdom I can recite over and over to help?

No, but you could talk to a therapist about why you're "needy, pushy, neurotic" to begin with and perhaps figure out what's up with that so you can get a better handle on it generally.

IF you have developed limerence for him (a bona fide altered state of consciousness of "being in love" that is similar to an addiction in many ways) then that will be a problem that therapy can't fix - you just need to wait it out for several months (and it's no fun, trust me). I'm not sure what level of feelings you're referring to, so hoping it's not that.

July 30, 2020

3 hours ago, LaceyMcAntire said:

I do want more than FWB

Sorry to hear this. If you want a real bf who respects you, you'll have to dump this jerk.

July 30, 2020

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry to hear this. If you want a real bf who respects you, you'll have to dump this jerk.

Yeah.... unfortunately that's my conclusion I am coming to

July 30, 2020

How often do you occupy yourself with activities that you enjoy?

Involving yourself with some friends and arranging meet-ups will help tremendously in subsiding your feelings and thoughts towards him.

I'd recommend sending him a short text being straightforward with what you want from him, then the ball is in his court from that point. Ultimately it will save you a lot of unnecessary anxiety in the process

July 30, 2020

1 hour ago, DarrenB said:

I'd recommend sending him a short text being straightforward with what you want from him, then the ball is in his court from that point.

Do NOT do this.

Never discuss emotionally laden subjects over text. It's the worst form of communication & practically guarantees that things won't work out.

Do TALK to him.

Edited July 30, 2020 by d0nnivain

July 30, 2020

4 hours ago, LaceyMcAntire said:

Do you recommend doing the "test" by just moving on, or at least, making it seem as if I am moving on? I mean, im not into games, but Ive also read they dont know what they have until it's gone, so Im always thinking if I make myself less available, and scarce maybe he will come around...

Well you'd have to be really careful to make sure that it wasn't a game you are playing and actually investing yourself more. Think of it like this if you did a strategy where it looked like you are backing away but you were actually doing it HOPING that it would affect him and greatly awaiting the outcome of this little experiment, you would probably be more invested in liking him. So it's a bit of a tightrope to walk.

That said, backing away, prioritizing your life & other people in it GENUINELY without caring about losing him, does "test" what he really wants. Also think of it like this--right now you are friends, friends who hook up sometimes with no expectations. But much like your girlfriends or platonic guy friends, sometimes a person cannot or will not give you what you want and need so you back off of them. They just don't serve a purpose in your life & you have to recognize that so it's a genuine way of demonstrating that you do put yourself first and have things that matter to you, like being in a relationship with someone especially if there is chemistry and it seems like the natural progression. And if he won't give it to you or is blocking you from that goal you are not going to sit there and just let it happen indefinitely. I'd say if you are pretty sure he knows you like him like him, it's time to back off & let the chips fall where they may.

I wouldn't recommend contacting him. Treat him like a friend if he contacts you; don't always respond if it doesn't require a response or take longer because he's not that important role in your life. Just drop him way down the priority list.

So anyway you do have to do this from a genuine place & actively create other opportunities for yourself so you are not just find "another way to wait". This part is important. You can fake it a little until it becomes real to you but on some level if he doesn't see you as relationship material but messes with you like playing both ends of it, doesn't it make you a little angry? Where you have to ask yourself is HE worthy of being in MY life? Flip it around. Make sure he QUALIFIES himself to be allow entrance into your life and THAT position (boyfriend). Right now, he's not doing that so don't treat him as if he is. Good luck

July 30, 2020

7 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

Well you'd have to be really careful to make sure that it wasn't a game you are playing and actually investing yourself more. Think of it like this if you did a strategy where it looked like you are backing away but you were actually doing it HOPING that it would affect him and greatly awaiting the outcome of this little experiment, you would probably be more invested in liking him. So it's a bit of a tightrope to walk.

That said, backing away, prioritizing your life & other people in it GENUINELY without caring about losing him, does "test" what he really wants. Also think of it like this--right now you are friends, friends who hook up sometimes with no expectations. But much like your girlfriends or platonic guy friends, sometimes a person cannot or will not give you what you want and need so you back off of them. They just don't serve a purpose in your life & you have to recognize that so it's a genuine way of demonstrating that you do put yourself first and have things that matter to you, like being in a relationship with someone especially if there is chemistry and it seems like the natural progression. And if he won't give it to you or is blocking you from that goal you are not going to sit there and just let it happen indefinitely. I'd say if you are pretty sure he knows you like him like him, it's time to back off & let the chips fall where they may.

I wouldn't recommend contacting him. Treat him like a friend if he contacts you; don't always respond if it doesn't require a response or take longer because he's not that important role in your life. Just drop him way down the priority list.

So anyway you do have to do this from a genuine place & actively create other opportunities for yourself so you are not just find "another way to wait". This part is important. You can fake it a little until it becomes real to you but on some level if he doesn't see you as relationship material but messes with you like playing both ends of it, doesn't it make you a little angry? Where you have to ask yourself is HE worthy of being in MY life? Flip it around. Make sure he QUALIFIES himself to be allow entrance into your life and THAT position (boyfriend). Right now, he's not doing that so don't treat him as if he is. Good luck

That is amazingly insightful! Thanks for that. I do feel that way at this point, but again, like I said, I need to find a way to stop caring that he's not responding to me trying to better myself and forget about him. As much as I would love to sit here and say, I will love myself more, prioritize myself, I can do that, and plan to, but in the mean time I will still be more upset and mad that I meant nothing to him to even try to contact me to see what is wrong.. yknow? Does that make any sense?

July 30, 2020

3 hours ago, LaceyMcAntire said:

So, not calling him is the plan, but any ideas on how to deal with the pain thats going to come when he doesnt call me? Its going to kick my ass because I will either wonder if he's mad im not calling him, or I will just feel like I was never important to him and that's an awful feeling.

You can't worry about pain, You will probably have some & wondering. But it's not going to hurt less if you just keep hanging on the way it is. You have to deal with it sometime; sooner vs later is probably better.

You probably are important to him but maybe not enough or not enough in a romantic way OR perhaps he doesn't want a relationship now. None of which you can fix by hanging around.

You have to face feeling awful but maybe it will help if you realize some of the possible reasons have nothing to do with you are things you could do differently.

IMO, he is dangling a possible relationship in front of you so he can keep FWB status and pop in and out of your life. You have to treat yourself BETTER than this.

Personally, I think you will get more with your actions than a talk with a guy who has this type of behavior. I guess ONE talk is ok but i think that it could also backfire as far as your goal too. A talk with a guy who says FWB is drama, draining, expectations, girlfriend like stuff--all the stuff he is trying to escape. Lol, you need him to feel the pain of not having you. He may not care-that's a real possibility. But being "around" tends to not help your cause. The best thing you can do for YOURSELF is to attempt to move on. It might jostle him into chasing after but no matter what you will be creating opportunity for yourself. Take an ACTIVE role in your own life rather than a PASSIVE one. It usually works better.

July 30, 2020

33 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Do NOT do this.

Never discuss emotionally laden subjects over text. It's the worst form of communication & practically guarantees that things won't work out.

Do TALK to him.

Emotions appear to be running high, talking in person or on the phone could possibly result in irrational and aggravated comments at this point, which in itself could cause things to take a turn for the worse.

Although a relatively poor communication process, in this situation a text would offer an easier sense of closure without that hassle.

Better yet she/he/they could arrange a genuine conversation when the feelings have subsided

Edited July 30, 2020 by DarrenB

July 30, 2020

5 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

You can't worry about pain, You will probably have some & wondering. But it's not going to hurt less if you just keep hanging on the way it is. You have to deal with it sometime; sooner vs later is probably better.

You probably are important to him but maybe not enough or not enough in a romantic way OR perhaps he doesn't want a relationship now. None of which you can fix by hanging around.

You have to face feeling awful but maybe it will help if you realize some of the possible reasons have nothing to do with you are things you could do differently.

IMO, he is dangling a possible relationship in front of you so he can keep FWB status and pop in and out of your life. You have to treat yourself BETTER than this.

Personally, I think you will get more with your actions than a talk with a guy who has this type of behavior. I guess ONE talk is ok but i think that it could also backfire as far as your goal too. A talk with a guy who says FWB is drama, draining, expectations, girlfriend like stuff--all the stuff he is trying to escape. Lol, you need him to feel the pain of not having you. He may not care-that's a real possibility. But being "around" tends to not help your cause. The best thing you can do for YOURSELF is to attempt to move on. It might jostle him into chasing after but no matter what you will be creating opportunity for yourself. Take an ACTIVE role in your own life rather than a PASSIVE one. It usually works better.

So, How bad would it be and obnoxious of it to be to people here to just reply a message whenever I feel the need to call him, and hopefully you all can talk me out of it?

July 30, 2020

2 minutes ago, LaceyMcAntire said:

That is amazingly insightful! Thanks for that. I do feel that way at this point, but again, like I said, I need to find a way to stop caring that he's not responding to me trying to better myself and forget about him. As much as I would love to sit here and say, I will love myself more, prioritize myself, I can do that, and plan to, but in the mean time I will still be more upset and mad that I meant nothing to him to even try to contact me to see what is wrong.. yknow? Does that make any sense?

hmmmm, you will start loving yourself more if you do the ACTIONS of someone who loves themselves more. What does that look like? I think it would be planning things with friends so you are occupied. At first it might be a little fake in that you would still think of him but after a while things will start to happen. You will care more about this more fulfilled life, look for ways to expand it, and meet other people you care about. This is something that if you do this even if he does not know what you are doing people can usually feel--it changes how you speak, what you've been doing when you recount that & what you have upcoming. It brings confidence. Opportunity brings more confidence.

Here's another way to look at it. Whatever you think his ideal girlfriend would be or just some super confident, 10/10 girl, what do you think she does when she is not getting what she wants from this specific guy? Do you think she sits home wallowing or has another date lined up tomorrow? Do you think she sits around hoping he would call or is thinking forget him, I'm having FUN with my friends? Build out the life of someone that is that girl.

I have to be honest that I think lots of times the reasons girls find themselves in the position that you are in is because they are too passive. They are willing to act like a girlfriend and 'wait" when they aren't getting boyfriend behavior from the guy they like. Don't do it in reverse--none of these ideal girls do. They aren't always the prettiest but they have NO PROBLEM putting themselves first. NO PROBLEM. Strive for that.

July 30, 2020

2 minutes ago, LaceyMcAntire said:

So, How bad would it be and obnoxious of it to be to people here to just reply a message whenever I feel the need to call him, and hopefully you all can talk me out of it?

i think we could handle it

The real thing is you want to stop living your life through the filter of HIM. Even in the getting over him, you need real life in person stuff to busy and fulfill you or you will constantly be prone to this thing where you're putting a guy before your own needs. We need to get you there. Where you have a great life offline. And that you trust even if a guy is not in it at the moment, that you will eventually meet the right one & are enjoying your life & 100% you with or without one. Does that make sense? This is important.---also because it is what ends up making you attractive to guys so it's got two good purposes!!

July 30, 2020

1 minute ago, DarrenB said:

Emotions appear to be running high, talking in person or on the phone could possibly result in irrational and aggravated comments at this point, which in itself could cause things to take a turn for the worse.

Although a relatively poor communication process, in this situation a text would offer an easier sense of closure without that hassle.

Better yet she/he/they could arrange a genuine conversation when the feelings have subsided

Honestly, Im not sure that an honest conversation will go well with him... He is very.... stubborn, and when he gets caught off guard, upset, sad, he doesnt feel those emotions, he just gets mad and shuts down. So I dont think talking or texting it to him will help. I think my best bet is to just stop calling, stop initiating the contact, hopefully, that helps me realize I can do this without him and then the need to talk to him so much will subside and I can eventually move on.

July 30, 2020

1 minute ago, LaceyMcAntire said:

I think my best bet is to just stop calling, stop initiating the contact, hopefully, that helps me realize I can do this without him and then the need to talk to him so much will subside and I can eventually move on.

You know him better than any of us, so ultimately your own advice is the most suitable to follow.

@Versacehottie also offered some great advice in previous responses, just be sure that you can manage not contacting him until further notice.

Best of luck, browse around and keep the thread updated when you see fit

July 31, 2020

Ok guys, I want to be sure I am clear on your advice! So, although I want to yell at him and tell him he is stringing me along, blah blah, sometimes he made me feel like he used me, etc.. I shouldnt? I should just stop calling him and let the relationship fizzle out on it's own?

July 31, 2020

16 hours ago, LaceyMcAntire said:

Honestly, Im not sure that an honest conversation will go well with him... He is very.... stubborn, and when he gets caught off guard, upset, sad, he doesnt feel those emotions, he just gets mad and shuts down. So I dont think talking or texting it to him will help. I think my best bet is to just stop calling, stop initiating the contact, hopefully, that helps me realize I can do this without him and then the need to talk to him so much will subside and I can eventually move on.

If he's that closed off & incapable of genuine communication why would you want to be in a relationship with him anyway?

Yelling at him certainly won't help. That will cause him to shut down & get defensive. So first thing you have to get your own emotions under control.

There are ways to have this conversation without it being an ambush. Call him. Arrange to spend time together. While you are together you say things like

Do you ever think about us?

What are we doing?

I sometimes wonder about us.

I've been enjoying what we are doing but part of me feels like I'm falling for you. How do you feel about that.

If you throw softballs at him, you just might have the beginnings of a conversation. Taking the bull by the horns & doing the scary thing of finding out is better then limbo or sitting around wondering why he never got back to you. When you disappear he's not going to chase because he will conclude that you ghosted him & your silence is your way of telling him to buzz off. He won't know this is a test to see if he's willing to make an effort. "Testing" the strength of his feelings for you by waiting to see if he calls you is game playing. You are expecting him to read your mind & that is so unfair. It won't work & you will definitely end up alone.

You may end up alone if you propose a relationship but he says no thanks. However then you will know. You will have closure & be able to move forward. Trying to guess why he didn't call will leave you wondering forever. That's no way to live with regret & uncertainty.

July 31, 2020

1 hour ago, LaceyMcAntire said:

Ok guys, I want to be sure I am clear on your advice! So, although I want to yell at him and tell him he is stringing me along, blah blah, sometimes he made me feel like he used me, etc.. I shouldnt? I should just stop calling him and let the relationship fizzle out on it's own?

I wouldn't yell at him or tell him off for stringing you along or that you feel used.

Regarding "using you" and "stringing you" along, he will be defensive and dig his heels in about not wanting to give you a relationship. He will say you guys are just FWB and you agreed. You each will get caught up on being "right" about that. On some level, it was mutual and it was FWB so he wouldn't be wrong about that. In a way, you moving forward with him in a hopeful way doesn't mean his obligation to the relationship increases--even if he also is catching feelings. So I think just take responsibility that you strung yourself along and were too hopeful, ie not used. If you take back the POWER over what happens to you, it is really a strong position to be in. One of the steps of that is taking responsibility and keep your eyes open rather than be overly hopeful and put you life and how it unfolds into someone else's hands. Your expectations are not quite his responsibility as you've described the relationship.

The best time to "talk" to someone in a situation like this is when they have OPEN EARS. I'd be shocked if he didn't come back around at some point--maybe seriously, maybe just testing the waters. Probably just testing the waters for more of the same first. That would be the best time to say something to the effect of "I can't take you seriously; I'm looking for something special, etc". The best time to negotiate is when the person reaches out to YOU.

You won't go well trying to shame him or make him feel bad about a relationship that he thinks he doesn't want. He has to at least be questioning if he wants it or not & be missing you at least. You won't benefit personally from yelling at him--it's better to take the high road & again be the creator of your life. Yelling at him, just is WANTING A REACTION FROM HIM. You can decide on your own, without discussion with him, that this just isn't good enough/enough for you. See the difference? It should be empowering.

Note: Um, are you the only one that ever initiates with him? Still don't do that. In the future with him or other guys, if you do all the work, you will not know the true level of their interest. A guy that is meaning to pursue you, will do that. This will prevent the type of situation you are in right now. Good luck

Edited July 31, 2020 by Versacehottie

July 31, 2020

44 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

I wouldn't yell at him or tell him off for stringing you along or that you feel used.

Regarding "using you" and "stringing you" along, he will be defensive and dig his heels in about not wanting to give you a relationship. He will say you guys are just FWB and you agreed. You each will get caught up on being "right" about that. On some level, it was mutual and it was FWB so he wouldn't be wrong about that. In a way, you moving forward with him in a hopeful way doesn't mean his obligation to the relationship increases--even if he also is catching feelings. So I think just take responsibility that you strung yourself along and were too hopeful, ie not used. If you take back the POWER over what happens to you, it is really a strong position to be in. One of the steps of that is taking responsibility and keep your eyes open rather than be overly hopeful and put you life and how it unfolds into someone else's hands. Your expectations are not quite his responsibility as you've described the relationship.

The best time to "talk" to someone in a situation like this is when they have OPEN EARS. I'd be shocked if he didn't come back around at some point--maybe seriously, maybe just testing the waters. Probably just testing the waters for more of the same first. That would be the best time to say something to the effect of "I can't take you seriously; I'm looking for something special, etc". The best time to negotiate is when the person reaches out to YOU.

You won't go well trying to shame him or make him feel bad about a relationship that he thinks he doesn't want. He has to at least be questioning if he wants it or not & be missing you at least. You won't benefit personally from yelling at him--it's better to take the high road & again be the creator of your life. Yelling at him, just is WANTING A REACTION FROM HIM. You can decide on your own, without discussion with him, that this just isn't good enough/enough for you. See the difference? It should be empowering.

Note: Um, are you the only one that ever initiates with him? Still don't do that. In the future with him or other guys, if you do all the work, you will not know the true level of their interest. A guy that is meaning to pursue you, will do that. This will prevent the type of situation you are in right now. Good luck

Again, I am so happy you reply to this, because your words are so enlightening. I just want so bad to be like, you did this, you did that, to make him see the value in me. Although I know I am ultimately the creator of this problem as much as he is, I think you are right. The high road for me would be to just stop calling and surely, that should be enough for him to realize Im not going to do it anymore considering I believe he just expects me to call... as would be yelling at him and telling him that..Id rather not create a problem between us as what friends we are left, if there isnt one to begin with... other than me... I think you're right, because when I dont call him, I feel so much more powerful and in control. Maybe I just need to get over wanting to tell him everything I think he does wrong, because that will essentially make me look more foolish than just walking away and getting on with my life. Agreed? Am I understanding your advice correctly? You should be a therapist or a psychologist!

Oh and I dont always initiate.. if I wait it out a couple days or 3, he will call me. But it's always "see, I called you first" which I believe is due to his own insecurities.. otherwise, I doubt that he would have called, unless he wanted to.. or at least, thats what keeps me hanging on

Edited July 31, 2020 by LaceyMcAntire

July 31, 2020

38 minutes ago, LaceyMcAntire said:

I just want so bad to be like, you did this, you did that, to make him see the value in me.

Lacey, he is his own person, if he doesn’t see your value that is his loss. You don’t take your value from men. The most attractive woman to a man is a woman who knows her own value. In other words, YOU decide your value.

July 31, 2020

3 hours ago, LaceyMcAntire said:

Ok guys, I want to be sure I am clear on your advice! So, although I want to yell at him and tell him he is stringing me along, blah blah, sometimes he made me feel like he used me, etc.. I shouldnt? I should just stop calling him and let the relationship fizzle out on it's own?

Is he stringing you along, though? I don't see where he's suggested that you two are more than friends/FWB. He didn't use you if he didn't make you promises he hasn't kept, just to get some sex.

So no, yelling at him isn't reasonable. It will make you look silly and desperate. I get that you are disappointed. But you are a willing participant here. You are frustrated because he doesn't appear to want more, but chewing him out over it isn't going to make him change his mind. You need to decide where your boundary is and stick to it, even if that means he falls short of your expectations and doesn't seek you out. That isn't a reason to explode at him; it's your cue that you need to stop engaging in something that isn't fulfilling for you. You can't make someone see your value. They either value you all on their own, or they don't.

To clarify, it is safe to assume he hasn't been in touch yet?

Edited July 31, 2020 by ExpatInItaly

July 31, 2020

3 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Is he stringing you along, though? I don't see where he's suggested that you two are more than friends/FWB. He didn't use you if he didn't make you promises he hasn't kept, just to get some sex.

So no, yelling at him isn't reasonable. It will make you look silly and desperate. I get that you are disappointed. But you are a willing participant here. You are frustrated because he doesn't appear to want more, but chewing him out over it isn't going to make him change his mind. You need to decide where your boundary is and stick to it, even if that means he falls short of your expectations and doesn't seek you out. That isn't a reason to explode at him; it's your cue that you need to stop engaging in something that isn't fulfilling for you. You can't make someone see your value. They either value you all on their own, or they don't.

To clarify, it is safe to assume he hasn't been in touch yet?

youre absolutely right, and I did hear from him briefly yesterday, just to tell me he was busy doing interviews all day.

July 31, 2020

4 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Is he stringing you along, though? I don't see where he's suggested that you two are more than friends/FWB. He didn't use you if he didn't make you promises he hasn't kept, just to get some sex.

So no, yelling at him isn't reasonable. It will make you look silly and desperate. I get that you are disappointed. But you are a willing participant here. You are frustrated because he doesn't appear to want more, but chewing him out over it isn't going to make him change his mind. You need to decide where your boundary is and stick to it, even if that means he falls short of your expectations and doesn't seek you out. That isn't a reason to explode at him; it's your cue that you need to stop engaging in something that isn't fulfilling for you. You can't make someone see your value. They either value you all on their own, or they don't.

To clarify, it is safe to assume he hasn't been in touch yet?

Im glad I am actually reading all of these, because I had a long thing typed up that I was either going to send him or use to read from when talking to him next.. not all weird reading from it but use it as a source lol. So, now that I read your opinions, it's helpful to me to see that all the expectations I am requiring from him are not reasonable and make me lose that "power" more than if I sent it

July 31, 2020

Have you two ever had any sort of talk about what's going on between you?

Or is it more that you hang out sometimes and it sometimes leads to sex, and you never really mention it again?

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