LaceyMcAntire Posted July 30, 2020 Posted July 30, 2020 (edited) Hey! New to this site, but I read forums and blogs all the time over this ONE guy. We have a decent relationship, essentially, great friends, with benefits. He was away this week, but said he'd be back today.. and he would call me. SO, I am notorious for being very needy, pushy, neurotic etc.. when I don't hear from him. I always call him, so I decided to chill out, back off, and let him come to me. Anyway, I have been doing pretty good, but I need some help and support and a bit of just general insight, because it's a complicated situation to explain to anyone! If he doesn't call me after not talking to me for about a week, should I just expect he'd rather not be talking to me? I know, that it hasn't been that long today, but usually, by now, is when my calls come in from him so, maybe some support from experienced people that have dealt with men that are possibly just stringing you along? Guys do what they want, is what I have been told, so, if he misses me and wants to talk to me, he will call me... right? lol anymore suggestions on how to stop caring so much? I do want more than FWB, if that helps. and I think he feels the same, but Id rather not push him into anything, Id like to just see what others think, and whether I should continue to leave the ball in his court? I basically just feel pretty good that I haven't been so obnoxious with the calls and initiating, but I so dearly still want to hear from him. But maybe some tuff love will be helpful from someone looking in... Let me add that this push pull phone game has been kind of a thing. I am always trying to feel like I need to get my power back. So it isnt like, this ONE day, ONE time thing today is my issue.. its kind of ongoing. When I stop initiating, he eventually calls me.. but Im never sure if it's because he generally misses me. Men are so complicated I feel. So, should I call him? Should I just continue to leave the ball in his court until things seem to fizzle out? If I call him, thats when I will start feeling powerless again.. so I hate that feeling yet, I give in it's so sad. Edited July 30, 2020 by LaceyMcAntire
ExpatInItaly Posted July 30, 2020 Posted July 30, 2020 (edited) If he said he would call, assume that he will if he really wants to. And if he doesn't, then yes, you can assume he's not interested in connecting with you right now. See if he keeps to his word without any nudging from you. Otherwise, you'll never really know if he's actually interested or only really responding to you. EDIT: Given the question posed in your thread title, is it fair to assume he's actually asked you to back off a bit? What do you need to recover from, exactly? Edited July 30, 2020 by ExpatInItaly 1
Author LaceyMcAntire Posted July 30, 2020 Author Posted July 30, 2020 3 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: If he said he would call, assume that he will if he really wants to. And if he doesn't, then yes, you can assume he's not interested in connecting with you right now. See if he keeps to his word without any nudging from you. Otherwise, you'll never really know if he's actually interested or only really responding to you. You're right, he will if he wants to. If not, I should assume his interested has deteriorated and I should just work on moving on.. Although, I am not ready for that, we share several years of great friendship so throwing it away sucks, but throwing my self esteem and dignity away is probably worse, because I never know if when he's answering, he really wants to talk or is being nice. I never had this issue with him until I started having feelings, so this is new for me, everything seems to bother me more. I just dont want to continue a friendship with someone that I may not be able to only be in the friendzone with again.. if that makes sense and I don't sound absolutely insane.
Author LaceyMcAntire Posted July 30, 2020 Author Posted July 30, 2020 (edited) 14 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: EDIT: Given the question posed in your thread title, is it fair to assume he's actually asked you to back off a bit? What do you need to recover from, exactly? Well, I feel I need to back off, for the main purpose of my dignity. lol. I feel I call him too much without much reciprocation. And when I do call him anymore, I get insecure and start getting all these negative thoughts, so I decided if I back off, don't call him, and he calls me I will know where I stand. I have read so many articles where it says, never call a guy, let him call you, and you will know his intentions. I guess I just feel like it's better for my mental sanity to not call lol But then when he doesn't call, it's a bummer for me and can literally control my emotions for the entire day. So, Im not sure if the ball in his court is good or bad. Edited July 30, 2020 by LaceyMcAntire
d0nnivain Posted July 30, 2020 Posted July 30, 2020 Oh good heavens. What a mess, of your own making. Men rarely go from FWB to committed relationship. They usually assume that if a woman gives it up without a commitment to them, she will give it up that easily to anyone & therefore is not good prospect for a partner. It's part of the whore / Madonna complex. If he's not calling it's because he's not horny or at this point since you always call him the pattern is that you call, he doesn't have to be bothered; you will just deliver the sex to him no effort required. Since you want more, you have to tell him that you are falling for him & you want to try a relationship. Your years of friendship make it possible for this to turn into more. I developed feelinsg for a FWB & we ended up living together for 10 years so it is possible. You have to clearly, explicitly & unambiguously express to him that you want more. If he does feel the same way, great, you are dating. If he does not, you have to stop the benefits. The cardinal rule of FWB is that when someone develops feelings the relationship evolves or it stops. To stick around for sex only when you like the guy but he's only using you for sex is the express train to heartache. In the long run such a dynamic will f'up your self esteem. 2
ExpatInItaly Posted July 30, 2020 Posted July 30, 2020 Just now, LaceyMcAntire said: never call a guy, let him call you, and you will know his intentions. That is not always true. If a guy is matching your interest and initiates as much as you do, it's perfectly fine to call him. But I don't get the impression that's what's happening here, hence why I would step back and observe now. He said he would be in touch when he got back so I would not be the one picking up the phone first. However, I think you already know the real answers you're looking for: you are more interested than he is, and want more than he does. How long has the FWB arrangement been going on? 1
Author LaceyMcAntire Posted July 30, 2020 Author Posted July 30, 2020 (edited) Well, we have been amazing friends for a few years, the benefits aspect has only happened a few times, and not recently.. but we still keep in touch, he talks to me about problems, never about women, seems generally "interested" in me as more than a friend but I do think my efforts are more outstanding than his at this point and Id like to try to make him reciprocate, but Id also like to talk to him more than just when he feels the need to call me.. if that makes sense? He doesn't call me for a booty call.. it's never really been that type of situation.. it just happens sometimes.. we don't plan it, or I dont get late night calls for it or he doesnt call to tell me hes horny lol it just seems like a benefit for us. My concern is putting in more into a friendship/relationship than receiving and then ruining myself in the process. SO Im hoping if I just stopped calling, he would 1) notice 2) be concerned he's losing me and start calling me. I feel he thinks Im just going to call him so he's gotten lazy, and I want to wake him up that I won't always stick around.. I feel like I spend so much of my time thinking why he isnt calling me than just not caring and moving on. Edited July 30, 2020 by LaceyMcAntire
Author LaceyMcAntire Posted July 30, 2020 Author Posted July 30, 2020 21 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: If he said he would call, assume that he will if he really wants to. And if he doesn't, then yes, you can assume he's not interested in connecting with you right now. See if he keeps to his word without any nudging from you. Otherwise, you'll never really know if he's actually interested or only really responding to you. Any advice on getting over it if he just isnt interested in connecting with me? I know it's easy to say, forget it, do something else.. but any words of wisdom I can recite over and over to help?
ExpatInItaly Posted July 30, 2020 Posted July 30, 2020 2 minutes ago, LaceyMcAntire said: Any advice on getting over it if he just isnt interested in connecting with me? I know it's easy to say, forget it, do something else.. but any words of wisdom I can recite over and over to help? You will have to stop contact for a while. Probably a long while. It is clear you have stronger feelings than FWB for him. How often do you two actually speak or see each other? I don't think trying to make him afraid of losing you is the right mindset to take here, simply because you aren't more than friends and he is behaving accordingly. His relaxed attitude toward the friendship is likely because he doesn't really have a deeper interest, and sees you the same way he does any other friend in terms of emotional investment. He obviously enjoys the physical benefits but there doesn't appear to be much indication of something more. Do you think he knows you have feelings for him? 1
BaileyB Posted July 30, 2020 Posted July 30, 2020 (edited) 50 minutes ago, LaceyMcAntire said: Men are so complicated I feel. Men aren’t really that complicated. Women tend to make things more complicated than they really are, by getting themselves into FWB situations when they have developed feelings for a man with the hope that the man will reciprocate the feelings. A man will generally not turn down an opportunity for no strings attached sex. If he’s not calling you, and you are having to initiate all the time, I’m sad to say it but that demonstrates his interest in dating you. In terms of how to get over the guy, make yourself busy... find something else to do. Read a book, exercise, if you can get together with a friend - do that! Put a profile up on a dating site and start looking for a man who wants to have a relationship, rather than spending your time and emotional energy chasing one who doesn’t... Good luck! Edited July 30, 2020 by BaileyB 1
smackie9 Posted July 30, 2020 Posted July 30, 2020 Tip: an interested man lets you KNOW he is interested. He's not an interested man. He just talks to, or hangs out with you when he "feels" like it which is not that often. You are being silly if you think by backing off and being patient with him is going to change any of this.
BaileyB Posted July 30, 2020 Posted July 30, 2020 4 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: His relaxed attitude toward the friendship is likely because he doesn't really have a deeper interest True. It could also be because he doesn’t have to do any work to maintain the relationship... either way, it speaks to a rather ambivalent attitude which is not really what you want from the guy OP.
Giovane Posted July 30, 2020 Posted July 30, 2020 50 minutes ago, LaceyMcAntire said: Men are so complicated I feel. Yet here you are, wanting to talk to him but holding off so he will call you first... 1
Author LaceyMcAntire Posted July 30, 2020 Author Posted July 30, 2020 You are all so right. I need to just realize it's not going to get better and that not initiating isnt going to make him "notice" or "miss me" Just not ready for it I guess.
Author LaceyMcAntire Posted July 30, 2020 Author Posted July 30, 2020 So, do I ignore his calls? I mean, he hasn't done anything for me to justify just ignoring him for.. Do I just be normal and just stop calling him? Assuming, his calls will be few and far between maybe it will be easier to let it go?
Author LaceyMcAntire Posted July 30, 2020 Author Posted July 30, 2020 (edited) @BaileyB Your signature at the end of your posts is basically my situation in a nutshell lol So just reading that is helpful in itself Edited July 30, 2020 by LaceyMcAntire 1
Versacehottie Posted July 30, 2020 Posted July 30, 2020 You can't be afraid to lose him. In part, if he does realize your feelings for him are beyond FWB and you are effectively just waiting for it to turn into more, this is part of the why that he doesn't really need to do anything & it would feel like bad pressure. He would be more compelled to "do something" if you have no fear about losing him. You don't need to necessarily tell him but start dating other guys. Somehow they feel it when that happens. And you can do it in other ways besides dating other guys. You just can't be afraid to lose him. If I'm honest, I'm not sure there is a lot of hope here with him but you never know. The thing is you have to "test" it in a way and change the vibe. good luck
Author LaceyMcAntire Posted July 30, 2020 Author Posted July 30, 2020 (edited) 2 minutes ago, Versacehottie said: If I'm honest, I'm not sure there is a lot of hope here with him but you never know. The thing is you have to "test" it in a way and change the vibe. good luck Do you recommend doing the "test" by just moving on, or at least, making it seem as if I am moving on? I mean, im not into games, but Ive also read they dont know what they have until it's gone, so Im always thinking if I make myself less available, and scarce maybe he will come around... Edited July 30, 2020 by LaceyMcAntire
elaine567 Posted July 30, 2020 Posted July 30, 2020 Where has he gone for the week? Work or pleasure?
BaileyB Posted July 30, 2020 Posted July 30, 2020 (edited) 17 minutes ago, LaceyMcAntire said: So, do I ignore his calls? I mean, he hasn't done anything for me to justify just ignoring him for.. Do I just be normal and just stop calling him? Yeah, I would stop calling him... I would definitely stop having sex with him. The thing is Lacey, it will be really hard for you to just be friends with the guy now that you’ve crossed the line and had sex with him, and you have feelings for him. So in a way, it’s all or nothing. And, if he’s not interested in dating... then, for your own well-being it will probably have to be nothing. No contact. If he does call, you could probably tell him that you’ve decided this FWB situation you’ve got going isn’t working anymore for you... and see how he responds. Again, he will either step it up or he will say “ok, no problem.” Be prepared for both options - it’s going to hurt if he tells you that he’s fine to let the relationship go. But, you should also be prepared for him to do the bare minimum to keep the sex going... because that isn’t really what you want either. In terms of whether you should move on or “pretend” to move on - don’t play games. If you are going to tell him that you are done, you need to be prepared to mean it. That means, you can’t be afraid to lose him. Walk away with your head held high and get busy finding a man who really wants to date you. Don’t wait for this guy to come around... live your life and don’t look back. Edited July 30, 2020 by BaileyB
BaileyB Posted July 30, 2020 Posted July 30, 2020 (edited) 18 minutes ago, LaceyMcAntire said: @BaileyB Your signature at the end of your posts is basically my situation in a nutshell lol So just reading that is helpful in itself It’s really true. Women could save themselves a lot of time and angst if they quit chasing uninterested and ambivalent men. If something doesn’t feel good, it’s not right. Edited July 30, 2020 by BaileyB
Author LaceyMcAntire Posted July 30, 2020 Author Posted July 30, 2020 29 minutes ago, elaine567 said: Where has he gone for the week? Work or pleasure? Work
Author LaceyMcAntire Posted July 30, 2020 Author Posted July 30, 2020 So, not calling him is the plan, but any ideas on how to deal with the pain thats going to come when he doesnt call me? Its going to kick my ass because I will either wonder if he's mad im not calling him, or I will just feel like I was never important to him and that's an awful feeling.
ExpatInItaly Posted July 30, 2020 Posted July 30, 2020 Guys who are interested generally don't need to "lose" you to realize what they want. The ones who didn't come around until I faded from view were usually not the ones worth re-exploring. 1
Author LaceyMcAntire Posted July 30, 2020 Author Posted July 30, 2020 1 minute ago, ExpatInItaly said: Guys who are interested generally don't need to "lose" you to realize what they want. The ones who didn't come around until I faded from view were usually not the ones worth re-exploring. I guess I should say it like this as well... I will be disappointed for romantic purposes if he doesnt call, BUT what will be more upsetting is the fact that I really feel like we are great friends, so I will feel so bummed like I meant nothing to him as a friend this whole time either.
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