ThereSheGoes Posted August 9, 2020 Posted August 9, 2020 Hi Everyone! So, yesterday, I went on two 'dates'. Because they felt more like a meet up to me. Which is fine. The first date: It was at the Boardwalk. It was someone I have been in contact with for about 3 months or so. He seemed like an Okay guy, though appeared flaky, which deterred me from scheduling a meet up. Anyway, I decided to give him a chance. What showed up was not what I was expecting? He turned out to be a Dude-Bro. Aviator glasses and all. I'm not attracted to that whatsoever. He was on his phone a lot, and wasn't talking to me that often. Let alone, showing signs of interest, like touching me or helping me get out of a ride. He did initiate a hug at the end, but....the connection was pretty none existent, and in a sense, I kinda felt like I was alone. We didn't even walk together, he was always lagging behind. He dropped me off at a restaurant, and I ubered home. Haven't heard from him today, and I kinda don't want to. Second guy.......known him for about three weeks. We've been talking every night, from midnight to sun up. So there's a huge connection between us. When I saw him, I just ran to him, lol. We had a great connection in person, did a whole lot of laughing, we were watching movies, listening to music. So I definitely liked him more than I liked the first guy. And he seemed to be more verbally emotive. But now it's the day after, I kinda feel like I was throwing myself at him? I was all over this dude. I was rubbing his chest, rubbing his thigh, stroking his face. I was playing with his hair, I was rubbing his fingers, scratching his back. At one point in time, my head was in his lap, and my hand was up his shirt. I was letting him know, that Hey. I'm attracted to you. Got nothing back. He never returned the gestures. He never even held my hand. He just sat there, with his hands by sides. The only time he touched me was to compare feet, to tickle my feet, and to give me a kinda stunned hug goodby and hello. So I kinda feel like I was molesting him or something. I even asked him, TWICE, if touching him was Okay. Because he was just sitting there like a mannequin, his feet flat on the floor, his hands at his side, and my body is just....draped across him. The first time I asked, he was like, yeah, it's cool. The second time, he was like, "What am I gonna say, get off me?" BUT HE NEVER TOUCHED ME. So.....a confusing day to say the least.
Wiseman2 Posted August 9, 2020 Posted August 9, 2020 (edited) 10 minutes ago, ThereSheGoes said: Dude-Bro. He was on his phone a lot, and wasn't talking to me that often. I kinda felt like I was alone. Haven't heard from him today, and I kinda don't want to. Second guy. Because he was just sitting there like a mannequin, his feet flat on the floor, his hands at his side, and my body is just....draped across him.The second time, he was like, "What am I gonna say, get off me?" Sorry to hear this. Your descriptions are quite funny, even though the dates weren't good. Dude bro rhymes with ass .... Mannequin man seems like a cold fish. Can you meet sooner next time? maybe don't get affectionate unless you feel better about the date. Edited August 9, 2020 by Wiseman2
Author ThereSheGoes Posted August 9, 2020 Author Posted August 9, 2020 50 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Sorry to hear this. Your descriptions are quite funny, even though the dates weren't good. Dude bro rhymes with ass .... Mannequin man seems like a cold fish. Can you meet sooner next time? maybe don't get affectionate unless you feel better about the date. In my experience, it's better to take a minute to find out if there is some chemistry beforehand. Versus meeting up after 2 or 3 days, because its usually just a waste of money. If we have mental and emotional chemistry, then more than likely we will have physical chemistry 1
spiderowl Posted August 10, 2020 Posted August 10, 2020 (edited) First guy sounds like a hopeless mismatch and you clearly had no connection. Second guy, well I suspect he was overwhelmed by your attention. I don't know where you are from but here in the UK any guy would be a bit wary of a woman behaving like this. She would probably be considered as 'too easy', 'overly flirty', or a bit weird. Sorry, but that's how I think most of my male friends would see it, unless they had initiated the touching themselves. Regardless, it would have been viewed as too forward and would probably not have been seen in a positive light. I think guys like to feel in control and part of that is letting them make the first moves so they know they have made a choice to do so. Edited August 10, 2020 by spiderowl 1
Trail Blazer Posted August 10, 2020 Posted August 10, 2020 In my opinion your behavior is quite strange and off-putting. Were you hoping to go back and have sex with him? I'd see you as ONS material, but way too eager in terms of a first date. 2 1
Author ThereSheGoes Posted August 10, 2020 Author Posted August 10, 2020 6 hours ago, spiderowl said: First guy sounds like a hopeless mismatch and you clearly had no connection. Second guy, well I suspect he was overwhelmed by your attention. I don't know where you are from but here in the UK any guy would be a bit wary of a woman behaving like this. She would probably be considered as 'too easy', 'overly flirty', or a bit weird. Sorry, but that's how I think most of my male friends would see it, unless they had initiated the touching themselves. Regardless, it would have been viewed as too forward and would probably not have been seen in a positive light. I think guys like to feel in control and part of that is letting them make the first moves so they know they have made a choice to do so. See, thats the thing. He's not an assertive type of guy. So even if he did want to make the first move, he wouldn't have. I would have had to make the first move. Which again.....I did. Got nothing back, other than my feet tickled.
Author ThereSheGoes Posted August 10, 2020 Author Posted August 10, 2020 4 hours ago, Trail Blazer said: In my opinion your behavior is quite strange and off-putting. Were you hoping to go back and have sex with him? I'd see you as ONS material, but way too eager in terms of a first date. Well....we were at his apartment. Lol. And no, I didn't want to sleep with him. Was I horny? Yes. But I would have preferred some making out. So in your male opinion, he just sees me as a slut now.
elaine567 Posted August 10, 2020 Posted August 10, 2020 11 hours ago, ThereSheGoes said: I was all over this dude. I was rubbing his chest, rubbing his thigh, stroking his face. I was playing with his hair, I was rubbing his fingers, scratching his back. At one point in time, my head was in his lap, and my hand was up his shirt. I was letting him know, that Hey. I'm attracted to you. Why did you think any of this was appropriate? He probably thinks you are nuts. Did you not think to stop when he was not reciprocating? 2
basil67 Posted August 10, 2020 Posted August 10, 2020 This is going to sound way out of left field....but were you sexually molested as a child? Your behaviour was unacceptable, but your lack of awareness as to deciphering when someone says 'yes' but is stiff as a board makes me wonder if you think this is 'normal'. No judgement - speaking from experience. 2
Wiseman2 Posted August 10, 2020 Posted August 10, 2020 Try not to build up false intimacy by chatting all night for three weeks. Unfortunately both were not interested or attracted. Meet sooner and for a brief coffee, so you can move on if there is no chemistry. 2
QuietRiot Posted August 10, 2020 Posted August 10, 2020 13 hours ago, ThereSheGoes said: Hi Everyone! So, yesterday, I went on two 'dates'. Because they felt more like a meet up to me. Which is fine. The first date: It was at the Boardwalk. It was someone I have been in contact with for about 3 months or so. He seemed like an Okay guy, though appeared flaky, which deterred me from scheduling a meet up. Anyway, I decided to give him a chance. What showed up was not what I was expecting? He turned out to be a Dude-Bro. Aviator glasses and all. I'm not attracted to that whatsoever. He was on his phone a lot, and wasn't talking to me that often. Let alone, showing signs of interest, like touching me or helping me get out of a ride. He did initiate a hug at the end, but....the connection was pretty none existent, and in a sense, I kinda felt like I was alone. We didn't even walk together, he was always lagging behind. He dropped me off at a restaurant, and I ubered home. Haven't heard from him today, and I kinda don't want to. Second guy.......known him for about three weeks. We've been talking every night, from midnight to sun up. So there's a huge connection between us. When I saw him, I just ran to him, lol. We had a great connection in person, did a whole lot of laughing, we were watching movies, listening to music. So I definitely liked him more than I liked the first guy. And he seemed to be more verbally emotive. But now it's the day after, I kinda feel like I was throwing myself at him? I was all over this dude. I was rubbing his chest, rubbing his thigh, stroking his face. I was playing with his hair, I was rubbing his fingers, scratching his back. At one point in time, my head was in his lap, and my hand was up his shirt. I was letting him know, that Hey. I'm attracted to you. Got nothing back. He never returned the gestures. He never even held my hand. He just sat there, with his hands by sides. The only time he touched me was to compare feet, to tickle my feet, and to give me a kinda stunned hug goodby and hello. So I kinda feel like I was molesting him or something. I even asked him, TWICE, if touching him was Okay. Because he was just sitting there like a mannequin, his feet flat on the floor, his hands at his side, and my body is just....draped across him. The first time I asked, he was like, yeah, it's cool. The second time, he was like, "What am I gonna say, get off me?" BUT HE NEVER TOUCHED ME. So.....a confusing day to say the least. Of course he didn't touch you...you know there's a pandemic going on, yes? Social distancing is a thing now. 1
stillafool Posted August 10, 2020 Posted August 10, 2020 15 hours ago, ThereSheGoes said: The second time, he was like, "What am I gonna say, get off me?" Never drape yourself all over a guy you don't know to the point that he is wishing you would get off of him. Too much, too soon and he was turned off. 2
Trail Blazer Posted August 10, 2020 Posted August 10, 2020 (edited) 6 hours ago, ThereSheGoes said: Well....we were at his apartment. Lol. And no, I didn't want to sleep with him. Was I horny? Yes. But I would have preferred some making out. So in your male opinion, he just sees me as a slut now. No. He would see you as a slut if you dropped to your knees and gave him head. You didn't. You were just all over him without having sex with him. He's confused and doesn't quite know what your deal is. It's bizarre behavior for a first date, from the outset when you ran straight over to him, to being all over him for the rest of the date. Honestly, he probably thinks you're a bit cray cray. I know I would if I were in his shoes. Edited August 10, 2020 by Trail Blazer 1
d0nnivain Posted August 10, 2020 Posted August 10, 2020 The 1st guy is clearly a no go & that's fine. The 2nd guy . . .ugh. Really, talking every night from midnight to 6 a.m. & lemme guess, it was through text not voice. [shakes head . . .no] When do you sleep? That is way too much for never having met. You need to only speak occasionally & even then for short periods, the recommended approach is no more then 20 minutes. Over that 2 weeks 4-5 short calls would have been the max. You built him up too much in your mind which lead to you doing some questionable things: Running to him; going to his apartment & basically groping him. If a man did to a woman what you are describing doing to this guy people would be reassuring her that he was some kind of pervert who only wanted one thing. I don't know why you are confused by what happened. You were all over him & he did not reciprocate. His line about "what am I gonna say, get off me?" should have been like having cold water thrown in your face. He wasn't stopping you because "a man" doesn't turn down easy sex from a willing woman, but he wanted to because he found your behavior off-putting & unacceptable. You probably won't hear from him again. Going forward, learn more about a technique called mirroring. Your behavior should match your date's. When you started the 1st touch, which was OK, when he didn't reciprocate, that was your cue to back off not escalate. 2
Author ThereSheGoes Posted August 10, 2020 Author Posted August 10, 2020 32 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: The 1st guy is clearly a no go & that's fine. The 2nd guy . . .ugh. Really, talking every night from midnight to 6 a.m. & lemme guess, it was through text not voice. [shakes head . . .no] When do you sleep? That is way too much for never having met. You need to only speak occasionally & even then for short periods, the recommended approach is no more then 20 minutes. Over that 2 weeks 4-5 short calls would have been the max. You built him up too much in your mind which lead to you doing some questionable things: Running to him; going to his apartment & basically groping him. If a man did to a woman what you are describing doing to this guy people would be reassuring her that he was some kind of pervert who only wanted one thing. I don't know why you are confused by what happened. You were all over him & he did not reciprocate. His line about "what am I gonna say, get off me?" should have been like having cold water thrown in your face. He wasn't stopping you because "a man" doesn't turn down easy sex from a willing woman, but he wanted to because he found your behavior off-putting & unacceptable. You probably won't hear from him again. Going forward, learn more about a technique called mirroring. Your behavior should match your date's. When you started the 1st touch, which was OK, when he didn't reciprocate, that was your cue to back off not escalate. No, it was actually through phone! (Or voice) sometimes we would even video chat for a few hours, and then hop off and continue talking on the phone. I spoke to him yesterday. I even said, 'I feel like I was molesting you last night' and he either didn't see it or chose to ignore it.
Author ThereSheGoes Posted August 10, 2020 Author Posted August 10, 2020 4 hours ago, basil67 said: This is going to sound way out of left field....but were you sexually molested as a child? Your behaviour was unacceptable, but your lack of awareness as to deciphering when someone says 'yes' but is stiff as a board makes me wonder if you think this is 'normal'. No judgement - speaking from experience. No, I have not. I have been raped, as an adult though. I usually don't behave like this, but I felt very.....close to him?
Author ThereSheGoes Posted August 10, 2020 Author Posted August 10, 2020 4 hours ago, QuietRiot said: Of course he didn't touch you...you know there's a pandemic going on, yes? Social distancing is a thing now. It didn't seem to be that big of a deal, honestly. Even at the boardwalk, there was no social distancing and a lot of people weren't wearing a mask. I was in line trying to get some water at a stand, and this woman was so close to me, I could hear her breathing. Everytime I tried to make space between us, she would just move closer.
d0nnivain Posted August 10, 2020 Posted August 10, 2020 4 minutes ago, ThereSheGoes said: No, it was actually through phone! (Or voice) sometimes we would even video chat for a few hours, and then hop off and continue talking on the phone. I spoke to him yesterday. I even said, 'I feel like I was molesting you last night' and he either didn't see it or chose to ignore it. He chose to ignore it. Just sit still & see if he comes to you.
Author ThereSheGoes Posted August 10, 2020 Author Posted August 10, 2020 6 hours ago, elaine567 said: Why did you think any of this was appropriate? He probably thinks you are nuts. Did you not think to stop when he was not reciprocating? Well, I did after awhile. And then he started tickling my feet.
Author ThereSheGoes Posted August 10, 2020 Author Posted August 10, 2020 1 hour ago, Trail Blazer said: No. He would see you as a slut if you dropped to your knees and gave him head. You didn't. You were just all over him without having sex with him. He's confused and doesn't quite know what your deal is. It's bizarre behavior for a first date, from the outset when you ran straight over to him, to being all over him for the rest of the date. Honestly, he probably thinks you're a bit cray cray. I know I would if I were in his shoes. So should I apologize then? I have been groped several times on a first date, and I wasn't trying to make him uncomfortable or make him feel like I was trying to take advantage.
stillafool Posted August 10, 2020 Posted August 10, 2020 50 minutes ago, ThereSheGoes said: I spoke to him yesterday. I even said, 'I feel like I was molesting you last night' and he either didn't see it or chose to ignore it. Did you contact him or did he contact you?
d0nnivain Posted August 10, 2020 Posted August 10, 2020 43 minutes ago, ThereSheGoes said: So should I apologize then? I have been groped several times on a first date, and I wasn't trying to make him uncomfortable or make him feel like I was trying to take advantage. If he contacts you AND he brings it up, yes, apologize but don't reach out to him or bring it up first. If he contacts you he's over it. If he doesn't he was so turned off that an apology won't help. He now thinks this is who you are. His bad 1st impression would be irreversible in this situation The best you can do is sit back & learn from this experience. I was serious about the mirroring. 1
Author ThereSheGoes Posted August 10, 2020 Author Posted August 10, 2020 27 minutes ago, stillafool said: Did you contact him or did he contact you? I messaged him first. I said, "My hair smells like your apartment." And he was like, "Is that a bad smell?" And then I made a joke from the show we were watching, and then he laughed and started sending me music.
Author ThereSheGoes Posted August 10, 2020 Author Posted August 10, 2020 (edited) 43 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: If he contacts you AND he brings it up, yes, apologize but don't reach out to him or bring it up first. If he contacts you he's over it. If he doesn't he was so turned off that an apology won't help. He now thinks this is who you are. His bad 1st impression would be irreversible in this situation The best you can do is sit back & learn from this experience. I was serious about the mirroring. Noted. I talked to him last night, but we were only on the phone for 45 minutes, so. That got me thinking. And just, to put this out there....I'm not just going around groping guys. Lol. I'm usually very reserved on a date....it could be because, most of the time I'm very neutral, unless the guy is just expecting and doing too much. It's kinda rare when I meet up with a guy and I'm SUPER attracted to him. I can probably count on one hand how many times that has happened. I don't know. I just felt very comfortable with him, and it was like we knew each other for years (and he turned out to be way cuter in person) And how I was feeling could have made me jump the gun and behaved in a unnatural way. That whole day just felt so off. Things were happening before I even left for the day, it was just an odd day, a lot of things happening out of it's usual character. And now I feel like I should apologize to him, because if he truly felt uncomfortable, I would NEVER want to do that to someone. I'm a victim of sexual assault myself, and I know what its like to meet someone and then five minutes in, their hand is on your thigh, they're touching your booty, trying to kiss you, so on and so forth. And they're not reading your body language, and they just keep forcing you. I hate that, and I would never EVER would want to be that to someone else. It's so hurtful. Edited August 10, 2020 by ThereSheGoes
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