What am I doing wrong?

[smackie9]

I still say the best way to meet someone is through friends and social interaction....but with this pandemic, it's barely possible. When I was dating, there were plenty of guys I got along with, but there wasn't that "spark". I tried the date them for a month or so and give them a chance....no it wasted everyone's time, it never worked. I think if you are at least getting that "hit" of wow I can't think straight for a second there, twinge of excitement like on the first chance of meeting them, you have a pretty good chance you are onto something. I'm guessing the person you were with for 7 years, is going to be tough to beat. When you two met, what was it like? Sparks flying?

[SickOfIt123]

6 hours ago, Goodguy05 said:

I don't think it's you I have had similar challenges it's online dating I don't think it really works I know of plenty of people guys and girls who complain of the same thing and theres one common denominator and it's the actual dating app. Think grass is greener syndrome flooded wth so much choice there's the problem

 

I agree. To be honest, never would have thought I would turn to online dating, still prefer the old method of meeting someone for the first time in real lofe

[SickOfIt123]

6 hours ago, Blind-Sided said:

Sorry you are here... but I was in the same place about 7 months ago.

I was with my exW for 20 years... and I'm the kind of guy who wouldn't think about cheating... and I was happy with my life and wife. (but she went nutz and wanted out)  I went out with several girls... and even though I liked them... something was just not right. One of these girls, I went out with 5 or 6 times... but even though she gave me clear signals... I couldn't even bring myself to give her a proper hug. (I'm also not the kind to want a ONS)  So... after talking with a few friends, and making a post here... I came to the conclusion that somewhere deep in my psyche... I felt like I was cheating.  (My divorce was final, and it had been over a year since the exW said she was done) 

Anyway... I had to spend a couple weeks by myself, and really focus on "WHY" I felt that way.  AND... I basically had to give myself permission to be ok with dating again. (I made a post about it if you want to read it)

So, if you want to be able to date successfully... you have to look inside yourself, and tell yourself it's ok to be with someone else.

I wish you luck and peace in moving forward

That’s rough. Sorry to hear.

Yeah I wouldn’t say I’m not feeling like I’m able to move on. I did have sometime off to myself between my last long term relationship and when I started dating again last year. But might be a good thing for me to reflect every now and then.

For me I feel like a few have said, I’m too nice? Might need to tweak my approach? But then again I don’t want to be the a**h*** that pushes women away.

I do remember in high school female friends would complain saying “where are the nice guys?” Cause they getting heartbroken by a**h***s etc. Thinking to myself about that comment. Not directed to them but in general, the nice guys are the ones you wouldn’t notice or look at twice. They’re around but you don’t acknowledge them because you only consider them as friends.

[SickOfIt123]

6 hours ago, chillii said:

l don't buy the date site flooded with choices thing, at the end of the day most women struggle with it for yrs and get absolutely nowhere , and so do most men too . Date sites are an allusion of choice , but at the end of the day 99.9 % of what people think are all these choices , amount to nothin.

l think the real problem is that people use to meet in person , 1 minute around someone in a pub , or club , or at a friends, or a party, hell often10 seconds, tells you more in reality than wks of messing around with one person on a date site. And most of the time in RL , you will end up having no interest what so ever in most , within that minute, you already know.  A date site and a computer is not RL, it's not the natural way of selection it's 300% reverse to real reality . That one minute in RL , comes last with date sites and that's often after wks of messing about with someone online or phones and bs, often mths, where as in RL , it comes first , that's it's real natural order , first and in seconds , not "last", and after days wks or months of artificially interacting . 

So , 99% of the people that people end up meeting on date sites , they wouldn't have even bothered with in the first place in RL.

Agree. To me online dating is very superficial. What you have written is spot on. I’ve come across women who brush you off at a bar/pub etc but then again will chat with randoms without having seen/met/spoken to in real life.

[SickOfIt123]

4 hours ago, smackie9 said:

I still say the best way to meet someone is through friends and social interaction....but with this pandemic, it's barely possible. When I was dating, there were plenty of guys I got along with, but there wasn't that "spark". I tried the date them for a month or so and give them a chance....no it wasted everyone's time, it never worked. I think if you are at least getting that "hit" of wow I can't think straight for a second there, twinge of excitement like on the first chance of meeting them, you have a pretty good chance you are onto something. I'm guessing the person you were with for 7 years, is going to be tough to beat. When you two met, what was it like? Sparks flying?

I too agree with that. I do prefer to meet someone for the first time in person but with my line of work, it’s a little hard as I move around to different offices quite a bit for short period of time. And yes with this pandemic it makes dating (in general) a lot harder than pre-covid.

The women I dated last went on for just over a month or so. I though/felt there was a spark. With regards to her reactions I thought she felt the same way too. Again I use this word a bit but it’s disheartening, it feels like such a waste of time and effort for something that doesn’t pan out. We would see each other a couple if not a few times a week. This one broke it off because she was offered a promotion at her work and accepted a lot more responsibilities, and felt like she wouldn’t have enough time to date. Like come on, if I was in her shoes and been dating for a little over a month and felt like it could result in a relationship, I’d do my best to make time/work around my schedule. Different priorities I guess. Work was mine when I first started out with my career. 
 

Don’t get me wrong, I have dated a couple in the past where there wasn’t a spark.

Appreciate the comment

[CLS63AMG]

Sounds like you aren't setting your standards high enough, or even know what you want.  Make sure you're only meeting girls that meet those rules otherwise you'll just go on endless dates and never meet anyone you really like.  Been there, use to go on 2-3 dates a week, what colossal waste of time. 

[chillii]

 

Personally l do think online is still worth using because you just never do know , it does happen , it happened to me and l've read and heard others too. l mean yeaah RL is better , l didn't have one of those though after my marriage . But l just think people should be realistic about it and don't fall for the allusion . l mean there's more so gonna be a lot of hit and misses but if you've got a good eye you can also narrow that down a lot too.

[Wiseman2]

You are getting dates so the issue isn't IRL vs dating apps. The issue you claim to be problematic is sustaining things.

Are you a permanent resident where you live? Do you have local family and friends?

Do these women think you will move back to your country and therefore lose interest?

There seems to be a short term cycle and pattern that you are the common denominator of.

Why do you think these women don't view you as long term BF material?

 

Edited August 10, 2020 by Wiseman2

[smackie9]

Well maybe steer away from women that have high demand careers.

[SickOfIt123]

22 hours ago, CLS63AMG said:

Sounds like you aren't setting your standards high enough, or even know what you want.  Make sure you're only meeting girls that meet those rules otherwise you'll just go on endless dates and never meet anyone you really like.  Been there, use to go on 2-3 dates a week, what colossal waste of time. 

Fair enough, but I believe I’m setting my standards high, but not out of reach, and know what I’m looking for. Obviously I need to find someone that sees it as a two way street and reciprocates. Guess I haven’t come across that person yet 

[SickOfIt123]

13 hours ago, chillii said:

 

Personally l do think online is still worth using because you just never do know , it does happen , it happened to me and l've read and heard others too. l mean yeaah RL is better , l didn't have one of those though after my marriage . But l just think people should be realistic about it and don't fall for the allusion . l mean there's more so gonna be a lot of hit and misses but if you've got a good eye you can also narrow that down a lot too.

You’re right. Having so many “options” the chances of meeting the wrong person or not working out increases too. I’ll be keeping my options in terms of finding a date open to both real life and online. Sometimes it’s a numbers game?

[SickOfIt123]

11 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

You are getting dates so the issue isn't IRL vs dating apps. The issue you claim to be problematic is sustaining things.

Are you a permanent resident where you live? Do you have local family and friends?

Do these women think you will move back to your country and therefore lose interest?

There seems to be a short term cycle and pattern that you are the common denominator of.

Why do you think these women don't view you as long term BF material?

 

Yes sustaining a date is the issues here. 
 

I do have permanent residency here and one of the common questions I get asked is if I plan on staying here. The answer is YES. I don’t plan on moving back, especially if I find the one worth hanging around for.

I don’t have family here, but do have a few friends. Got a feeling that I tend to jump head first into dating to fill in the void in my life (relationship/friendship wise?). I do go to the gym and try and be as social, go out to events etc, so it’s more to have a meaningful companionship than a ONS.

Im not sure to be honest. I believe I’m kind, honest and open to them but just can’t seem to “hang on” to them past a couple of months. Maybe I do need to treat them differently. So I apologise to the future women in advance if I take that route and be an a**h***. Not that I want to. Haha. 

Edited August 10, 2020 by SickOfIt123

[SickOfIt123]

5 hours ago, smackie9 said:

Well maybe steer away from women that have high demand careers.

Maybe. But I am attracted to smart/intelligent women who have a real passion for what they do? That I know is what I’m looking for in a woman. 

[smackie9]

You can still have a witty/attractive/intelligent woman without the career focused drive. I think if her passion was life and living it, she would be more available outside of work.