What am I doing wrong?

August 8, 2020

Hello all.

So I’m not expecting much from here, but here we go. This post is more for me to write my thoughts down but any input would be appreciated.

I’ve finally been on the dating wagon after a year or so of making myself happy/work on myself. So I’ve been a quite a few dates since late last year and I can’t seem to move past the dating realm. Have dated around 6 different women (not at the same time) and each one hasn’t been successful. We get along very well, no awkwardness etc I really do think we “click”. Been on multiple dates and every single one has been, I don’t feel like it’ll be a romantic relationship, I’ve got my hands full and I want to take a step back from dating...you get the idea.

What am I doing wrong? None have developed into a relationship. And it’s not like that’s what I’m gunning for from the get go, but I also have openly communicated with each of them, that I’m not looking for ONS etc

It’s been quite disappointing. I been told by female work colleagues that I’ve got a great personality, I’m “cute” (their words) but I think I’m average.

August 8, 2020

From a post on the internet, it's impossible to say. To give you meaningful insight we'd need to know you & to observe your interactions with these women.

Do you see any common denominators about who you pick or how you act?

August 8, 2020

12 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

From a post on the internet, it's impossible to say. To give you meaningful insight we'd need to know you & to observe your interactions with these women.

Do you see any common denominators about who you pick or how you act?

Yes I know it’s hard to say over the internet.

All I can think of to give you an insight is that there’s plenty of laughter, light and interesting conversations. Generally we progress into a number of dates and it fizzles out or their excuse is what’s in the OP.

So many time I’m sure that they were interested, the way they act around me and talk to me has made me a number of times really want me to take it a little further

I’m in my mid-late thirty’s and I don’t act a certain way, I’m myself. During conversations I really try to listen/understand what they’re saying because I’m interested and not pretending I do.

Maybe the common denominator is me. Id like to think I’m an “old soul” in terms of treating women I’m dating and not the whole “treat them mean, keep them keen”. That’s just not who I am or raised to be.

The women I pick/date I don’t think have anything really in common that I can think of. They’re a mixture of meeting the IRL or OLD.

Edited August 8, 2020 by SickOfIt123

August 8, 2020

27 minutes ago, SickOfIt123 said:

Have dated around 6 different women (not at the same time) and each one hasn’t been successful. We get along very well, no awkwardness etc I really do think we “click”.

Sorry to hear that. you're getting dates and that's a huge plus. Where are you meeting them? dating apps? Just keep dating and don't take it personally in this fickle world. Also are they aligned with your values? (kids, exes, religion, culture, goals, future etc)?

August 8, 2020

20 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry to hear that. you're getting dates and that's a huge plus. Where are you meeting them? dating apps? Just keep dating and don't take it personally in this fickle world. Also are they aligned with your values? (kids, exes, religion, culture, goals, future etc)?

Yes I guess I should see it that way, I AM getting dates, it’s is a plus. I’m meeting them both in person and online dating apps.

I would say yes, a lot of the women I see have very similar values/hobbies. They tend to be on the educated side of things (medical professionals, engineers, teachers etc), goals of setting up their career (after switching careers), wanting kids, similar interests and hobbies. I’m not a citizen of America but I have the rights to live here, I’m from another western country with a similar culture.

It’s getting to a point where I put in quite a bit of effort, see a potential relationship with no results and it’s disheartening.

Edited August 8, 2020 by SickOfIt123

August 8, 2020

What do you mean by "no results?" You mean never gets past the second date? they ghost on you? You are not feeling it? what?

Edited August 8, 2020 by smackie9

August 8, 2020

I’m at that point in life where I want to find her, wherever she is, settle down and have a family of my own. I have been “selfish” in the past by focussing on my career and travelling the world. But now it’s time to settle...but I don’t want to settle for anyone.

I guess dating is a way to find out who is romantically suitable and who is not. It’s tiring

August 8, 2020

1 minute ago, smackie9 said:

What do you mean by "no results?" You mean never gets past the second date?

As in we’ll go on multiple dates but fizzles out. Not sure what I’m doing wrong. Not to blow smoke up my ass but I get blindsided. I think a lot of the dates go very well

Edited August 8, 2020 by SickOfIt123

August 8, 2020

Am I right in understanding that they friend zone you? That they’re also the ones to give you an excuse and it’s not been on your part?
Have you slept with any of them?

the bit that sticks out to me is the fact that you get on really well with all of them. Like any of the 6 could have been an option but it wasn’t for them. I think I you’re trying too hard. Could be way off but that’s the impression I get from your posts. Don’t be so desperate to settle down. Enjoy yourself and have fun, the right person will come along

August 8, 2020

2 minutes ago, SickOfIt123 said:

As in we’ll go on multiple dates but fizzles out. Not sure what I’m doing wrong. Not to blow smoke up my ass but I get blindsided. I think a lot of the dates go very well

You mean they tell you it's not working out? or they stop calling you? after how many dates? is there sex involved? do things change after sex?

August 8, 2020

1 minute ago, Fox Sake said:

Am I right in understanding that they friend zone you? That they’re also the ones to give you an excuse and it’s not been on your part?
Have you slept with any of them?

the bit that sticks out to me is the fact that you get on really well with all of them. Like any of the 6 could have been an option but it wasn’t for them. I think I you’re trying too hard. Could be way off but that’s the impression I get from your posts. Don’t be so desperate to settle down. Enjoy yourself and have fun, the right person will come along

Yeah. Either friend zoning or simply no interested. With regards to sleeping with them, I’d say half half. Again I’m not so into the ONS anymore.

it could be that I’m trying too hard but honestly I’m myself on dates. I don’t (think) I put an “act” on. I could be just too friendly? Hahah

August 8, 2020

2 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

You mean they tell you it's not working out? or they stop calling you? after how many dates? is there sex involved? do things change after sex?

Some ghost, some say work is getting in the way (medical professionals). Some I have been intimate with. I’d say most dates have progressed into a third/fourth and some more

August 8, 2020

2 minutes ago, SickOfIt123 said:

Yeah. Either friend zoning or simply no interested. With regards to sleeping with them, I’d say half half. Again I’m not so into the ONS anymore.

it could be that I’m trying too hard but honestly I’m myself on dates. I don’t (think) I put an “act” on. I could be just too friendly? Hahah

I’m sorry man dating is game to start with. I know it shouldn’t be, but it is.

You need to give some sort of challenge. Tease them , be playful and fun. It sounds to me like you’re being too nice and therefor they see no challenge , and with no challenge comes no value. No value means no interest.
Nothing wrong with being a nice person , but it can come across as boring.

if you’re used to ONS dates then you should go into these new dates with that view. Clearly your tactic for ONS got you further than your tactic looking for a life long partner to settle with. The settling part can come after you have hooked up and shown your fun side. I’m not sure if this makes sense so please tell me if it doesn’t.

August 8, 2020

So what do you do on dates? where do you go? do you put any thought into making your date interesting, out of your comfort zone? did they make any suggestions? and what were they? any spontaneity?

Edited August 8, 2020 by smackie9

August 8, 2020

27 minutes ago, SickOfIt123 said:

But now it’s time to settle...but I don’t want to settle for anyone.

Ok let's talk about life stage. Ages, etc. You claim you're ready to settle down but their excuses revolve around career development. In your late-mid thirties are you dating women in your or younger age groups?

Age doesn't matter as much as life stage. For example by settle down, you mean eventually marriage/family? What is their understanding and timeline for that?

Make sure you pace yourself it's fine to mention you're interested in long term but don't come on strong. Even with similar cultural backgrounds (English speaking, western, whatever) There are still interpersonal nuances particularly in the dating/relationship arena. For example, some want to meet your family or start integrating lives when you become exclusive/a couple.

August 9, 2020

3 hours ago, SickOfIt123 said:

I’m at that point in life where I want to find her, wherever she is, settle down and have a family of my own. I have been “selfish” in the past by focussing on my career and travelling the world. But now it’s time to settle...but I don’t want to settle for anyone.

I guess dating is a way to find out who is romantically suitable and who is not. It’s tiring

Ahh, nothing selfish about that you've just done and lived what you've needed too and now it's time for other things in life, nothing wrong with that.

l'd think it's as simple as you just haven't met or picked out the right one yet. Just because you get along and have likenesses doesn't mean there's more there than that . Personally l've never done the dating thing and never needed to back in the day , always had a razor sharp picker so l just knew her when l saw her , l don;t go for many women or just anyone so there was no point in wasting my time with the rest so for me it was more about waiting even if that took 2 or 3 yrs . You could go that way , or you could keep doing what you are , seems to be what most people round here do but yeah l'd imagine it get's pretty bloody tiring but either way , you'll probably just stumble over the right one one way or other , it's about knowing yourself and picking the right woman.

Edited August 9, 2020 by chillii

August 9, 2020

Hard to tell, could be for a variety of reasons.

But one could be - you've only dated 6 people. It may feel like a lot, but given the thousands, if not millions, of people in your city or area, it's not very many. If you're only compatible with a small fraction of people (which is true for most), then you are naturally going to go through some people where it doesn't work out. So far it's just poor luck.

I would use the "failed" (not that I'd call them that) dates as an opportunity to work out what you really want in a partner. What parts of each person did you like and why? You said the women you dated didn't have a lot in common - there may be your problem, you may not be looking for a "type" that is for you. Sure, it narrows the dating pool, but your chance of success is increased.

August 9, 2020

4 hours ago, Fox Sake said:

I’m sorry man dating is game to start with. I know it shouldn’t be, but it is.

You need to give some sort of challenge. Tease them , be playful and fun. It sounds to me like you’re being too nice and therefor they see no challenge , and with no challenge comes no value. No value means no interest.
Nothing wrong with being a nice person , but it can come across as boring.

if you’re used to ONS dates then you should go into these new dates with that view. Clearly your tactic for ONS got you further than your tactic looking for a life long partner to settle with. The settling part can come after you have hooked up and shown your fun side. I’m not sure if this makes sense so please tell me if it doesn’t.

Yeah it’s rough. I would like to think that I’m playful, teasing etc and not straight up just a nice guy, but I’m possibly wrong if this keeps on happening. Maybe you’re right. I should change my approach and look at the view of ONS again. I just think my views on dating/women have changed a little the older I get. More “respectful” if that’s even the right term?

August 9, 2020

4 hours ago, smackie9 said:

So what do you do on dates? where do you go? do you put any thought into making your date interesting, out of your comfort zone? did they make any suggestions? and what were they? any spontaneity?

Generally the first couple is a nice bar and restaurant. Still casual. Ive been on a date where we’ve gone rock climbing (pre covid). I had an interest/done it before and I knew she was interested. I thought that was pretty cool. The odd “let’s go check out a National Park” in the mid-west.

There was one where we were set to go on a second date, she cancels that morning due to some personal issues and then ghosts me.

I would say most of our interactions between dates are basic text messages. Occasionally there’ll be FaceTime, voice calls...

August 9, 2020

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ok let's talk about life stage. Ages, etc. You claim you're ready to settle down but their excuses revolve around career development. In your late-mid thirties are you dating women in your or younger age groups?

Age doesn't matter as much as life stage. For example by settle down, you mean eventually marriage/family? What is their understanding and timeline for that?

Make sure you pace yourself it's fine to mention you're interested in long term but don't come on strong. Even with similar cultural backgrounds (English speaking, western, whatever) There are still interpersonal nuances particularly in the dating/relationship arena. For example, some want to meet your family or start integrating lives when you become exclusive/a couple.

Most are on their early to mid thirties. I know age doesn’t really determine when it’s right to settle. I just feel like I’m personally at that point where I’m over meaningless dates/hook ups etc. I wouldn’t say it pressure from family and friends either. Most are in a long term relationship or married, and it’s not because my younger sister got engaged either. I just feel it’s time for me, that’s what I want. Hard to explain and I understand if you quite don’t get what I mean.

haha don’t get me wrong, I don’t straight up say I want a long term relationship, marriage and kids. When I casually speak to whoever it is in terms of what they’re looking for, what I am looking for etc I do subtle mention it that it’s a relationship I’m after not just sex.

I do appreciate your input. Again, I’m not expecting for this post to solve my problems, it’s just a way to express my feelings, have some input be it positive or negative and some how see what the big picture is.

August 9, 2020

1 hour ago, chillii said:

Ahh, nothing selfish about that you've just done and lived what you've needed too and now it's time for other things in life, nothing wrong with that.

l'd think it's as simple as you just haven't met or picked out the right one yet. Just because you get along and have likenesses doesn't mean there's more there than that . Personally l've never done the dating thing and never needed to back in the day , always had a razor sharp picker so l just knew her when l saw her , l don;t go for many women or just anyone so there was no point in wasting my time with the rest so for me it was more about waiting even if that took 2 or 3 yrs . You could go that way , or you could keep doing what you are , seems to be what most people round here do but yeah l'd imagine it get's pretty bloody tiring but either way , you'll probably just stumble over the right one one way or other , it's about knowing yourself and picking the right woman.

Thank you. Yes I’ve always wanted to set myself up career wise before I looked at “settling down”. I just want a strong foundation/environment for my future kids to grow up, something that I was fortunate to have. My siblings and I didn’t grow up spoilt nor poor. We were provided with what we needed and most importantly a loving family.

I see where you’re coming from and I agree. I’ve had buddy’s who have given others crap because they’ve married their high school sweetheart. And their answer was, why would they bother dating having sex with other women when they’ve found the one?

Might have mentioned it earlier on, but I guess dating is a way to find out who and who isn’t compatible and I just haven’t found that compatible woman yet. You are right, because we get along doesn’t not mean we’re suited romantically.

August 9, 2020

59 minutes ago, snowboy91 said:

Hard to tell, could be for a variety of reasons.

But one could be - you've only dated 6 people. It may feel like a lot, but given the thousands, if not millions, of people in your city or area, it's not very many. If you're only compatible with a small fraction of people (which is true for most), then you are naturally going to go through some people where it doesn't work out. So far it's just poor luck.

I would use the "failed" (not that I'd call them that) dates as an opportunity to work out what you really want in a partner. What parts of each person did you like and why? You said the women you dated didn't have a lot in common - there may be your problem, you may not be looking for a "type" that is for you. Sure, it narrows the dating pool, but your chance of success is increased.

I’ve dated 6 within the last year or so, some were close to what I though would be a relationship was over a month or so, and some would ghost after two or three dates. You are right, it’s not many in the grand scheme of things. Most would not have the luck of going out on one one date with a person and they’re the one. Poor luck and another rough patch. Prior to getting on the dating wagon about a year ago, I stopped dating for a few years after a long term relationship of 7 years broke down. Probably need to get into the swing of things again, still, it’s disheartening.

Oh I said that? It’s a typo. Haha. We have a lot in common, but maybe it’s more of a friendship relationship not romantic. Something I would like to work on (if that the right wording), so I can see how things are before I “commit” too much of myself to it.

Edited August 9, 2020 by SickOfIt123

August 9, 2020

I don't think it's you I have had similar challenges it's online dating I don't think it really works I know of plenty of people guys and girls who complain of the same thing and theres one common denominator and it's the actual dating app. Think grass is greener syndrome flooded wth so much choice there's the problem

August 9, 2020

16 hours ago, SickOfIt123 said:

What am I doing wrong? None have developed into a relationship. And it’s not like that’s what I’m gunning for from the get go, but I also have openly communicated with each of them, that I’m not looking for ONS etc

It’s been quite disappointing. I been told by female work colleagues that I’ve got a great personality, I’m “cute” (their words) but I think I’m average.

Sorry you are here... but I was in the same place about 7 months ago.

I was with my exW for 20 years... and I'm the kind of guy who wouldn't think about cheating... and I was happy with my life and wife. (but she went nutz and wanted out) I went out with several girls... and even though I liked them... something was just not right. One of these girls, I went out with 5 or 6 times... but even though she gave me clear signals... I couldn't even bring myself to give her a proper hug. (I'm also not the kind to want a ONS) So... after talking with a few friends, and making a post here... I came to the conclusion that somewhere deep in my psyche... I felt like I was cheating. (My divorce was final, and it had been over a year since the exW said she was done)

Anyway... I had to spend a couple weeks by myself, and really focus on "WHY" I felt that way. AND... I basically had to give myself permission to be ok with dating again. (I made a post about it if you want to read it)

So, if you want to be able to date successfully... you have to look inside yourself, and tell yourself it's ok to be with someone else.

I wish you luck and peace in moving forward

August 9, 2020

l don't buy the date site flooded with choices thing, at the end of the day most women struggle with it for yrs and get absolutely nowhere , and so do most men too . Date sites are an allusion of choice , but at the end of the day 99.9 % of what people think are all these choices , amount to nothin.

l think the real problem is that people use to meet in person , 1 minute around someone in a pub , or club , or at a friends, or a party, hell often10 seconds, tells you more in reality than wks of messing around with one person on a date site. And most of the time in RL , you will end up having no interest what so ever in most , within that minute, you already know. A date site and a computer is not RL, it's not the natural way of selection it's 300% reverse to real reality . That one minute in RL , comes last with date sites and that's often after wks of messing about with someone online or phones and bs, often mths, where as in RL , it comes first , that's it's real natural order , first and in seconds , not "last", and after days wks or months of artificially interacting .

So , 99% of the people that people end up meeting on date sites , they wouldn't have even bothered with in the first place in RL.

Edited August 9, 2020 by chillii

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