Noluck83 Posted August 8, 2020 Posted August 8, 2020 i know this has probably been asked 1000 times but i cannot get my head around this. For example i talk to a woman. She wants to settle wants a future wants basically everything i want yet i cant bring myself to talk or be close to her. Then someone comes along and instant sparks. Shes got an edge she can even admit complete red flags to me ones that make me uncomfortable inside and yet. Im attracted. I chase, i want her and it drives me mad as inside constantly i can feel myself ticking off all the red flags and thinking 'youre doing it again'. Then it ends, i feel awful and dwell thinking 'why didnt i trust my gut'. It makes no sense whatsoever why im attracted to these types of woman i know deep down i shouldnt be attracted too. And why the good ones i just stop contact. Im 35 now so its actually really annoying me that something inside myself isnt wanting normal, secure relationship. Yet i do want that. I have also been cheated on before so im wondering if im completely broken when it comes to dating now. Like im trying to make up for someones past mistake by punishing myself more. 1
d0nnivain Posted August 8, 2020 Posted August 8, 2020 You like a challenge. You think you can change them. You have a white knight syndrome where you want to save them. Next time you meet one of the nice women, give her more of a chance. 1
schlumpy Posted August 8, 2020 Posted August 8, 2020 It could be a deep-seated fear. Was your parents marriage a good one? Has it been your lot to have friends and family who did not have show case marriages? What you see happen in the world can influence your actions.
Author Noluck83 Posted August 8, 2020 Author Posted August 8, 2020 (edited) 25 minutes ago, schlumpy said: It could be a deep-seated fear. Was your parents marriage a good one? Has it been your lot to have friends and family who did not have show case marriages? What you see happen in the world can influence your actions. Yeah my parents are still together after 30+ years my grandparents for 60+ so no divorces in the family. I want that but something just makes me constantly make excuses for people. If i see a red flag im always looking at the positive thinking, no she just does that because... or... shes just testing how id respond thats not true shes not like that. Then i convince myself this womans ideal. Then she does 1 of the things she said she'd do and im somehow shocked. My last little thing was 3 months. She'd told me shes terrible & bins people off easily when shes bored. I thought, shes just testing me that wont happen. It did. Then i had one who said she cheats and doesnt know why... i thought she wont on me. She did. Like im drawn to this challenge Edited August 8, 2020 by Noluck83
ShyViolet Posted August 8, 2020 Posted August 8, 2020 You can find someone physically attractive, and NOT get involved with them. Just admire them from afar, but use your brain to make your choices. Pay attention to those red flags and don't let yourself overlook them just because you find yourself physically attracted to the person. Use self-control. 1
chillii Posted August 8, 2020 Posted August 8, 2020 l know your probably thinking your subconsciously picking them because it 's safe because they won't work out anyway but the naughty girls the covered in flags girls the troubled girls do often have very cool personalities and an excitement in their ways and they can often be very nice looking with great bodies too . So my guess is it's just all those things that attracts you more., they stimulate you more you can't make yourself like and love someone that just doesn't do it for ya. like most people need in finding their thing you just haven't found the right combo , the one , yet. 1
Wiseman2 Posted August 8, 2020 Posted August 8, 2020 You want NSA, short term, casual, etc. so there's nothing wrong with the types you're chasing. Who is pressuring you to "settle down"? It seems to be something you're adverse to anyway.
smackie9 Posted August 8, 2020 Posted August 8, 2020 Ya ya I get it...they tell you up front they want to settle down etc....so boring! There's no mystery, no substance...it just hits a brick wall. There is someone out there that is spontaneous, vivacious, but also has her head screwed on straight. You probably passed by her like 20 times while you were chasing after mirages.
Vitaminka Posted August 8, 2020 Posted August 8, 2020 (edited) When I was dating, I was told many times by men that I am just too normal for them. I don't drink or smoke or do drugs or go to the bars or engage into the pointless arguments. My life is pretty much set, I work, I go to the gym and them come home. I don't have any addictions or heavy issues. I am pretty level-headed person, what you see is what you get every single day. I have zero room for drama of any kind in my life. And let's be honest, who wants that? I've been told gazillion times that while they should be dating women like me, they are attracted to wild and unpredictable women with tons of drama, drugs, bad exes, mental problems, etc... They would not know what to do with normal, lets be honest here. And perhaps one day, once they get screwed loyally by one of these women, they will crave normal or not. As for myself, I found the same normal, boring guy as me. And we have a normal boring life together with zero drama. But each to his or her own. Edited August 8, 2020 by Vitaminka 3
Maldives Posted August 8, 2020 Posted August 8, 2020 It's there beauty and attraction your seduced by there looks and beauty
Ruby Slippers Posted August 9, 2020 Posted August 9, 2020 (edited) It sounds like perhaps you haven't dealt with the emotional trauma of having been cheated on. I think men especially tend to bury bad feelings and just carry them forever like a big heavy weight in their soul. It's sad because this only debilitates them from finding real love. Deep down your attitude is cynical and mistrustful. You don't trust yourself to pick better next time. So you're spending your time and energy on go-nowhere involvements that provide fleeting entertainment, like a hamster chasing a mirage on a wheel. Get off the wheel and deal with the emotional trauma of the betrayal. You may need to truly grieve what happened. One of the best things you can do is feel the pain and just have a good hard cry. It's a physical, visceral thing that releases all that pain. Look for guidance on how to heal from past betrayal, do the self-work, then let it all go and move on to better future. Edited August 9, 2020 by Ruby Slippers
Weezy1973 Posted August 9, 2020 Posted August 9, 2020 On 8/8/2020 at 9:38 AM, Vitaminka said: As for myself, I found the same normal, boring guy as me. And we have a normal boring life together with zero drama. But each to his or her own. I read a study once that said the top quality that predicts marriage success in a partner is dependability. That’s it. Boring but happy.
JRabbit Posted August 10, 2020 Posted August 10, 2020 (edited) Read the book "Attached", it will help you understand the science behind this. Edited August 11, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Commercial link 1
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