He underestimate me

[Gaeta]

2/3 of your scholarship!! I don't care it represents $20 ! It's yours to put food on the table and buy books! I was a student once too! Every cent count. 

Here is how you tell him: Honey, I am sorry but I cannot help you with money anymore done. Just say your parents discovered he was borrowing money and you're in trouble and you can't do it anymore. 

Are you afraid of him and his reaction?

He's done that much? he's done nothing. He works, he has money, he can afford to take you out on dates. You don't owe him anything money wise. 

Doesn't matter he pays you back (and sometimes not), he is still depriving you of money for an entire month. Money you would need. 

Edited August 7, 2020 by Gaeta

[Lewana]

4 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

2/3 of your scholarship!! I don't care it represents $20 ! It's yours to put food on the table and buy books! I was a student once too! Every cent count. 

Here is how you tell him: Honey, I am sorry but I cannot help you with money anymore done. Just say your parents discovered he was borrowing money and you're in trouble and you can't go it anymore. 

Are you afraid of him and his reaction?

He's done that much? he's done nothing. He works, he has money, he can afford to take you out on dates. You don't owe him anything money wise. 

Doesn't matter he pays you back (and sometimes not), he is still depriving you of money for an entire month. Money you would need. 

Yeah, you're right. I have never lent him money before. It is the first time, and I won't do it anymore even if he does pay me back. It is all beacuse I feel bad that he always pays a lot of money for us. 

[Gaeta]

3 minutes ago, Lewana said:

 It is all because I feel bad that he always pays a lot of money for us. 

The way it works when one of the person in the relationship is a student, the one working understands they have limited money available to them, they accept that for the time this person is studying they will be the one paying for dates and such. Then when you graduate and get a job...then you can start treating him back. 

Not long after we met my boyfriend went back to school so when we went out I paid for our movie tickets, if I wanted to get away for a weekend I knew he could not pay much so I paid it and I was glad to pay it. Now that he has a good paying job he treats me, he buys me things I like, takes me on weekends, buy nice things for my house, etc. 

[Wiseman2]

52 minutes ago, Lewana said:

 I wouldn't give him money if he hadn't paid for the dates or for the holiday, because I know that my parents are struggeling to earn that money for my studies. 

Never try to buy love. If you wish pay for some dates. Your parents will find out what an irresponsible thing you did and could cut off your money. Do Not Try To Buy Love.

[Versacehottie]

Listen, if your parents are struggling you kind of have no business gambling that money on him.  It is a gamble because if he  doesn't pay it back it will cause big problems for you and your family.  Also typically that is not what scholarship money is to be used for so don't get involved in all that.  You will be opening the door so he can ask you for more. or again and again even if he pays the first one back.  It's problematic 

As Gaeta said, probably the best thing you can do is cheaper dates or free dates.  You can hang out where it costs little to nothing.  Or if your scholarship money is for living expenses then use it for a inexpensive meal or drink or something within your means and pay for the both of you.  That's the right thing to do.  In a way, if you want to be a good girlfriend and try to maintain the relationship, show that you are understanding and still interested in him whether or not he overspends.  But keep your integrity but holding to your boundaries of how you manage YOUR money.  I personally think the disrespect he showed and his money problems are red flags enough that I'd be done but if you need to see it along a bit more that's what I would do.

I'm glad you stopped defending him as much.  It was getting to the point where if you wanted me to take his point of view that I could have and would have asked the same question of you--why didn't you call from the bank?  Not with the same tone though.  I think that's the part you shouldn't ignore--he was condescending and angry with you over what is HIS problem.  That tone & attitude is probably going to stick around whenever he gets in a bind. His history already shows he gets into them a lot! ie control over his own money removed from him.  Also very arrogant was the presumption that he could get on the phone with the banker and somehow talk them into it.  I think it sounds like you live in another country than where I live (US) but that absolutely would not work at any of the banks I know in my worldwide travels.  So he sure sounds desperate! I kind of thought maybe substance abuse problem--maybe that is too much speculation BUT certainly it's an overspending problem.  Which technically is a form of gambling really.  A person that overspends is gambling on the presumption that they will be able to earn money in the future.  that's why commercial loans have interest rates attached to them--the banks decide is the gamble is a good risk or risky risk and assign interest charges based on What they believe the chances of repayment are.

What does he need the money advance for ?.

Edited August 7, 2020 by Versacehottie

[JRabbit]

39 minutes ago, Lewana said:

I have a scholarship, not much but it helps me. I'm giving him 2/3 of my scholarship. That is why I don't consider it that much like I'm giving him my parent's money. 
As I said, I know it is wrong and he knows that I'm a student, not working, my parents don't get paid that good, and everything else. If I was him, I wouldn't ask my girlfriend for money. But I don't know how to say it to him, because he has done that much, so I can't make it a big deal now. Furthermore he is paying me back  
 

BBM.

ok this needs to stop. Is this allowed by your school? I would be careful about giving away your money given to you, meant for your schooling.

[smackie9]

1 hour ago, Lewana said:

He doesn't have financial problems. He just doesn't want to aks his sister. He knows he spends a lot and so he has decided to give his money to her and ask her for money when he needs it. I know he gets well paid unless he lies. I'm sure he is going to give it back to me. I only hate the fact that he said that. 

Yes he does have problems because if he didn't he wouldn't be giving money for his sister to govern over. He doesn't want to ask his sister because he's maxed out on his spending. That's a problem don't you think?

[kendahke]

1 hour ago, Lewana said:

If I was him, I wouldn't ask my girlfriend for money. But I don't know how to say it to him, because he has done that much, so I can't make it a big deal now.

Giving a grown man 2/3's of your scholarship money is mind boggling. I think he's found someone just as bad with money as he is. Do you need to be in this relationship this badly?

Quote

Furthermore he is paying me back 

You need to read this thread.

Edited August 7, 2020 by kendahke

[smackie9]

56 minutes ago, Lewana said:

Yeah, you're right. I have never lent him money before. It is the first time, and I won't do it anymore even if he does pay me back. It is all beacuse I feel bad that he always pays a lot of money for us. 

That's a problem. He is spending more than he has or needs to. Instead of all this lending money that's coming your way, you can fix it by telling him to reduce the spending on dates. Find other low budget things to do, like making your own meals, going for walks, hang out at the park, picnic, watch movies at home, etc. Basically if it seems too much money is spent, turn it down, and suggest an alternative.

[Wiseman2]

37 minutes ago, JRabbit said:

ok this needs to stop. Is this allowed by your school? I would be careful about giving away your money given to you, meant for your schooling.

Agree. They could cancel your funds. Also you  seem clueless as to why he needs money. For drugs? For hookers? For gambling? Certainly not for essentials, because he could go to his family for that. He's scamming you. You'll never see that money again and possible him. Tell your parents what happened. Perhaps they can get the bank to trace this.

[d0nnivain]

You said it yourself, he has a spending problem.  He needs to grow up & learn to manage his own money better.  Perhaps two can go on fewer or cheaper dates.  

Understand money causes more break ups then anything else, even infidelity.

For you to have made the effort & for him to be ungrateful is a bad sign.  

I am a bit confused though.  How could it be that you went to the bank 2x yet were never able to conclude your business?  It makes me think you are talking about a lot more money then you are letting on if you couldn't just grab an ATM card to make a withdrawal.   If the amounts are so high that you need bank involvement beyond using their ATM machine you probably should not be giving him this money without a written contract guaranteeing you will get it back with interest.  

 

[Ami1uwant]

2 hours ago, Lewana said:

I have a scholarship, not much but it helps me. I'm giving him 2/3 of my scholarship. That is why I don't consider it that much like I'm giving him my parent's money. 
As I said, I know it is wrong and he knows that I'm a student, not working, my parents don't get paid that good, and everything else. If I was him, I wouldn't ask my girlfriend for money. But I don't know how to say it to him, because he has done that much, so I can't make it a big deal now. Furthermore he is paying me back  
 

You are giving him scholarship money???

 

WTF

I’m seriously concerned with what’s going on...take the colored glasses off and get your head out of the fish bowl.

 

[poppyfields]

3 hours ago, Lewana said:

Yes, we have met in person. 

How often?  How long have you been dating?  Is this a long distance relationship or cyber relationships?

Good lord, you are a struggling student and he's harassing you for money?  

That would be a dealbreaker for me no matter how long we've been dating.  

There is nothing positive here Lewana, I say next him, but your call.  G'luck.

 

 

[JRabbit]

1 hour ago, d0nnivain said:

You said it yourself, he has a spending problem.  He needs to grow up & learn to manage his own money better.  Perhaps two can go on fewer or cheaper dates.  

Understand money causes more break ups then anything else, even infidelity.

For you to have made the effort & for him to be ungrateful is a bad sign.  

I am a bit confused though.  How could it be that you went to the bank 2x yet were never able to conclude your business?  It makes me think you are talking about a lot more money then you are letting on if you couldn't just grab an ATM card to make a withdrawal.   If the amounts are so high that you need bank involvement beyond using their ATM machine you probably should not be giving him this money without a written contract guaranteeing you will get it back with interest.  

 

and sometimes the bank stop these things because they recognize them as scams. I have had clients who the bank has saved from scams because of this.

[d0nnivain]

Just now, JRabbit said:

and sometimes the bank stop these things because they recognize them as scams. I have had clients who the bank has saved from scams because of this.

I was not aware that the bank paid attention to the payees on a transfer.  

I mean if I want to give my money to Moe's House of Wasteful Spending, isn't that my choice?  

[JRabbit]

Just now, d0nnivain said:

I was not aware that the bank paid attention to the payees on a transfer.  

I mean if I want to give my money to Moe's House of Wasteful Spending, isn't that my choice?  

A lot of seniors and foreigners are getting scammed these days, so the banks now do pay attention. If the money amount is large or seems random, they certainly look into it. I know my clients families were very grateful they didnt make the transfers.  One was for a down payment on a home purchase, well over $100k. It was a fraud sale, the house didn't even exist and was in another country supposedly. Fake realtors, everything.

[poppyfields]

Lewana, I just read all the other posts, and only one thing to say -- FULL STOP.

This entire situation is wrong, wrong, WRONG!

You're in school, you are smart, you need to apply that smartness to whom you choose to date, this guy is NOT that guy.

Not by a long shot!  

 

[Lewana]

1 hour ago, d0nnivain said:

You said it yourself, he has a spending problem.  He needs to grow up & learn to manage his own money better.  Perhaps two can go on fewer or cheaper dates.  

Understand money causes more break ups then anything else, even infidelity.

For you to have made the effort & for him to be ungrateful is a bad sign.  

I am a bit confused though.  How could it be that you went to the bank 2x yet were never able to conclude your business?  It makes me think you are talking about a lot more money then you are letting on if you couldn't just grab an ATM card to make a withdrawal.   If the amounts are so high that you need bank involvement beyond using their ATM machine you probably should not be giving him this money without a written contract guaranteeing you will get it back with interest.  

 

Once they couldn't scan my card, and the second time system went down. It has nothing to do with the amount of money. And as I said is not a lot of money

[Lewana]

50 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

How often?  How long have you been dating?  Is this a long distance relationship or cyber relationships?

Good lord, you are a struggling student and he's harassing you for money?  

That would be a dealbreaker for me no matter how long we've been dating.  

There is nothing positive here Lewana, I say next him, but your call.  G'luck.

 

 

Many times. We have lived in the same country and we meet each 1-2 months now that I have moved in another country.

[kendahke]

25 minutes ago, Lewana said:

Once they couldn't scan my card, and the second time system went down. It has nothing to do with the amount of money. And as I said is not a lot of money

Generally speaking, banks only allow you to withdraw $300/day on a card. Anything over that amount, you have to involve a teller and the bank creates the paper trail.

Also, there might be a rider on that account for withdrawing for reasons outside of university spending, since that's what the money is for.

I say it was the universe stopping you from putting your scholarship in jeopardy for not using it for what it was intended for.

Edited August 7, 2020 by kendahke

[Versacehottie]

On another subject since you seem pretty lost about lending money to friends, boyfriends etc, I think the saying that when you "lend" someone money be prepared to have it become a gift.  Like let's say it's a $100 and you can afford to NEVER get it back.  But if it's $2000 and you can't afford to never get it back that's kind of how you should look at it.  That kind of takes care of the hard money cost of this situation (which you are far too focused on IMO).  If you are prepared to lose it and never get it back, then call it not a lot of money or a big deal to you.  It's not really your money--it's a mix of your parents hard earning money & your scholarship.  Are you fine with the thought that you might never get it back?  If not, don't lend it.

Personally, i think the bigger issue when lending money between boyfriends or friends is that saying "no good deed goes unpunished".  I literally could tell you tons of stories where money between boyfriends/friends has destroyed relationships and made things "weird".  The person who borrows will usually continue to act irresponsibly (exactly what gets them to a place where they need to borrow money!) and it will bug you or you will feel weird about it.  Whether you say something or don't there will then be some cloud over the relationship.  Often people who owe money will avoid you and move on from the relationship because they can't really face the debt or feeling of judgement.  This is the stuff that is way bigger and more problematic than the dollar amount---so if you can afford to lose the amount just GIVE it to him, maybe because he always pays for your dates and he's broke now.  If you don't have an expectation of getting repaid, a lot of the weirdness won't creep into things.  Though 100% honest---even if you GIVE the money, it often still does,

How much is he asking for? 

ps i have to say you don't know him well.  Very rarely but yeah sometimes you will see people come into your life and as you get to know them realize they are an opportunist and if there is a way to get one over on someone they will take it.  If you keep dating him (even if he gives you the money back or even if you squeeze it out of him to get it back), you might lose all respect for him.  I think its' hilarious and I don't mean it in a good way that a guy who acts flashy is secretly borrowing money from his student girlfriend.  He's a fraud as a person.Wants to act flashy  when he is nothing of the sort.  Literally I don't know guys that would do this to their girlfriend--it's literally embarrassing.  Especially after a month!!!

 

[Lewana]

2 hours ago, Versacehottie said:

On another subject since you seem pretty lost about lending money to friends, boyfriends etc, I think the saying that when you "lend" someone money be prepared to have it become a gift.  Like let's say it's a $100 and you can afford to NEVER get it back.  But if it's $2000 and you can't afford to never get it back that's kind of how you should look at it.  That kind of takes care of the hard money cost of this situation (which you are far too focused on IMO).  If you are prepared to lose it and never get it back, then call it not a lot of money or a big deal to you.  It's not really your money--it's a mix of your parents hard earning money & your scholarship.  Are you fine with the thought that you might never get it back?  If not, don't lend it.

Personally, i think the bigger issue when lending money between boyfriends or friends is that saying "no good deed goes unpunished".  I literally could tell you tons of stories where money between boyfriends/friends has destroyed relationships and made things "weird".  The person who borrows will usually continue to act irresponsibly (exactly what gets them to a place where they need to borrow money!) and it will bug you or you will feel weird about it.  Whether you say something or don't there will then be some cloud over the relationship.  Often people who owe money will avoid you and move on from the relationship because they can't really face the debt or feeling of judgement.  This is the stuff that is way bigger and more problematic than the dollar amount---so if you can afford to lose the amount just GIVE it to him, maybe because he always pays for your dates and he's broke now.  If you don't have an expectation of getting repaid, a lot of the weirdness won't creep into things.  Though 100% honest---even if you GIVE the money, it often still does,

How much is he asking for? 

ps i have to say you don't know him well.  Very rarely but yeah sometimes you will see people come into your life and as you get to know them realize they are an opportunist and if there is a way to get one over on someone they will take it.  If you keep dating him (even if he gives you the money back or even if you squeeze it out of him to get it back), you might lose all respect for him.  I think its' hilarious and I don't mean it in a good way that a guy who acts flashy is secretly borrowing money from his student girlfriend.  He's a fraud as a person.Wants to act flashy  when he is nothing of the sort.  Literally I don't know guys that would do this to their girlfriend--it's literally embarrassing.  Especially after a month!!!

 

I'm giving him $150. We have been dating for over a year. I know he is not that guy who keeps the money and doesn't pay it back or wants to benefit from others and use them to get things for free himself. I've noticed that with his friends, he is always willing to pay, with me and with everybody else. And what he is asking for is 0,03% of his salary, so he is paying it back. 

[Versacehottie]

1 hour ago, Lewana said:

I'm giving him $150. We have been dating for over a year. I know he is not that guy who keeps the money and doesn't pay it back or wants to benefit from others and use them to get things for free himself. I've noticed that with his friends, he is always willing to pay, with me and with everybody else. And what he is asking for is 0,03% of his salary, so he is paying it back. 

Ok, listen I'm just going to use logic then since you are only considering one component of what you originally seemed to be complaining about--what is the problem then?

You keep defending him and insisting that he will pay it back and is not a problem person or situation.  So I guess you are ok also with the way he spoke to you and find his treatment of your and his "situation" totally reasonable?  

Ok if this is how you feel, then don't complain.  You are kind of forcing me to take his position--in which case I do think it was silly/stupid that you didn't call him from the bank.  It seems like you pretty much only want to talk about the actual facts behind this loan and not your emotions about it.  So if that's the case, the next time you feel emotional about his treatment of you--you should probably just suck it up and deal with it.  If you want to be blinded by some guy you are in love with & what he does & how he treats you, it's kind of ridiculous to write an original post complaining about it and then completely back off.  To the majority of us,  we aren't blind to your feeling dramatic and emotional at least for a while when you created the thread and now willing to defend his actions.  We aren't blind to "who" this guy is either. I guess you will have to experience it yourself.

*i'm less concerned if you get your money back; i'm pretty sure that you will find these are problems that follow this guy. and you will be emotional about it again. Good luck

[Lewana]

2 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

Ok, listen I'm just going to use logic then since you are only considering one component of what you originally seemed to be complaining about--what is the problem then?

You keep defending him and insisting that he will pay it back and is not a problem person or situation.  So I guess you are ok also with the way he spoke to you and find his treatment of your and his "situation" totally reasonable?  

Ok if this is how you feel, then don't complain.  You are kind of forcing me to take his position--in which case I do think it was silly/stupid that you didn't call him from the bank.  It seems like you pretty much only want to talk about the actual facts behind this loan and not your emotions about it.  So if that's the case, the next time you feel emotional about his treatment of you--you should probably just suck it up and deal with it.  If you want to be blinded by some guy you are in love with & what he does & how he treats you, it's kind of ridiculous to write an original post complaining about it and then completely back off.  To the majority of us,  we aren't blind to your feeling dramatic and emotional at least for a while when you created the thread and now willing to defend his actions.  We aren't blind to "who" this guy is either. I guess you will have to experience it yourself.

*i'm less concerned if you get your money back; i'm pretty sure that you will find these are problems that follow this guy. and you will be emotional about it again. Good luck

I'm complaining about the way he spoke to me especially while I'm doing him a favor . I'm not complaining about giving him money though if I was in his place I wouldn't ask my girlfriend for money knowing she was a student

[Versacehottie]

3 minutes ago, Lewana said:

I'm complaining about the way he spoke to me especially while I'm doing him a favor . I'm not complaining about giving him money though if I was in his place I wouldn't ask my girlfriend for money knowing she was a student

giving you tough love now,,,,by your own arguments on this thread you have nothing to complain about.  

I understood that the emotions were bothering you but if you don't want to consider those points or address them here, I guess you will just have to experience again what he does that makes you emotional.  That you can't see that they are connected and will continue to be connected to the event of "lending him money" as well as he cannot be the prince you are acting like he is means you will just need to figure it out alone. 

You come here for sympathy and understanding and you basically get it unanimously but when anyone questions his character and HIS OWN relationship with money you dismiss it, you will just have to experience it.  I'm sure you will understand some of the reasons why his sister manages his money and he's afraid to ask her when he runs out once you lend him money & observe him. bolded, i said that--as did others--and it's at the heart of the problem.  If you don't want to deal with it/him now and do what is hard you will have to find out in other ways. There's really nothing else left to say,  Goodluck