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Posted

My boyfriend asked me to lend him some money because he spent too much and didn't want to ask his sister to transfer him the money (he has worked and has his savings but he spends too much and has given his income to his sister so she can control them and he doesn't spend much). He will pay me back in a month, as he said. I went two times to the bank to transfer him the money and both times something went wrong with the system and I couldn't do it. They told me to go later or next day. When I was telling him what happended he said "Thank you that you went there two times and you wasted your time" then he said "why didn't you call me? I could have talked with them. They saw you like that and than didn't do it." This hurt me. He underestimated  me, escpecially when I give him my money. My financial state is not better than his, I'm a student and I'm still not working because I just moved on to another country, yet I wanted to help him, but didn't expect that he would underestimate me, just because the system didn't work and nobody could do anything. I don't know what to do. I love him, but I wouldn't want to be with someone who thinks he is better than me or someone who underestimates me by saying that 

Posted

He was irritated because he wants the money and you bungled it or so he thinks.

OP I would strongly suggest you do not loan your BF money unless there is written agreement that can legally enforced for payback.

It's your choice and maybe that choice is intertwined with your feelings for him which is perfectly understandable. 

Loaning money to relatives and love interests has probably destroyed more relationships then it has nurtured. There is something about the relationship that engenders a feeling that they don't have to pay it back.

We have all been victims of what you about to do.

 

 

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Posted

If it were me I would have told him, well this bank of *your name* is now permanently closed. Sorry I couldn't serve you better. Tell him to pi$$ off. He's got money issues so bad, he treats you like crap because you can't give him any. Guess what, if you lend him money, you enable this behavior. He will use you till the money is all gone. You better run for the hills on this one.

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Posted (edited)
21 minutes ago, schlumpy said:

He was irritated because he wants the money and you bungled it or so he thinks.

OP I would strongly suggest you do not loan your BF money unless there is written agreement that can legally enforced for payback.

It's your choice and maybe that choice is intertwined with your feelings for him which is perfectly understandable. 

Loaning money to relatives and love interests has probably destroyed more relationships then it has nurtured. There is something about the relationship that engenders a feeling that they don't have to pay it back.

We have all been victims of what you about to do.

 

 

It is not a big amount of money and I don't care that much for that because he has always paid for us and never let me do it. He also is not that type of guy who doesn't pay back, but I hate what he said in the end. It has happened 2-3 other times that he has mentioned that I'm unable to do any certain thing. He said all I could do is studying. 

Edited by Lewana
Posted
39 minutes ago, Lewana said:

 He underestimated  me, escpecially when I give him my money. My financial state is not better than his, I'm a student and I'm still not working because I just moved on to another country, yet I wanted to help him.

You need to end things. Have you met in person?  He should not expect you to give him money. Unfortunately, he's scamming you. Tell a trusted adult about this.

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Posted
11 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You need to end things. Have you met in person?  He should not expect you to give him money. Unfortunately, he's scamming you. Tell a trusted adult about this.

Yes, we have met in person. 

Posted
25 minutes ago, Lewana said:

It is not a big amount of money and I don't care that much for that because he has always paid for us and never let me do it. He also is not that type of guy who doesn't pay back, but I hate what he said in the end. It has happened 2-3 other times that he has mentioned that I'm unable to do any certain thing. He said all I could do is studying. 

Here's the problem though. He sucks with money & asks for your help and can't even be gracious or understanding about it when there is trouble making a small transfer.

Listen, his money problems are not your problems.  How he treats and berates you because of HIS problems are though.  I would dump this loser. 

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Posted
19 minutes ago, Lewana said:

It is not a big amount of money and I don't care that much for that because he has always paid for us and never let me do it. He also is not that type of guy who doesn't pay back, but I hate what he said in the end. It has happened 2-3 other times that he has mentioned that I'm unable to do any certain thing. He said all I could do is studying. 

Hmmm...this is a tough one. I can totally understand how you feel like you were underestimated. Are you both from different cultures? Do you think you could have taken what he said the wrong way? Not saying that’s the case, but text tone can often be misconstrued to actual tone. 

Financial problems can cause a lot of stress in a relationship. I would have left it at that but you’ve said there have been a few other occasions where he has underestimated you. 
why not bring it up with him? Tell him exactly how you feel? It’s kind of condescending of him to take that attitude with you which makes me think he sees you as a physical value and not very bright. Does he see himself as the provider? 
You’re studying and a student , so he should be more understanding of the fact you “always study”. 

There have been a lot of threads about partners lending their partners money and them not paying it back. So forgive those who are telling you to get up and go. It’s been a common factor on here that’s led to the demise of a few relationships. People are just looking out for you :) 

Any more context of times you feel he’s been condescending or underestimated you? 

 

Posted

granted people are typically super stressed when they have financial problems.  BUT, he's leaning on you & you need to find out how he manages himself under times of stress, and how he deals with money.  It's not looking good.  He takes it out on you, which is ABSOLUTELY ridiculous since he is the one who can't get his act together & you were only trying to help him with a favor.

That's just a problem from an ethical and selfish and arrogant point of view.

He's not treating you as an equal.  And I should add he should be a lot more humbled when he is having to borrow money from his girlfriend, a student, while the rest of his money is "tied up" (hardly believable by the way!!) with his sister who must manage it for him because he is out of control with it.  He has no business acting like YOU don't have it together. HE doesn't have it together.  You guys aren't equals--he has a lot of catching up to do to be an equal with you.ugh.  He's an idiot.

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Posted
Just now, Versacehottie said:

granted people are typically super stressed when they have financial problems.  BUT, he's leaning on you & you need to find out how he manages himself under times of stress, and how he deals with money.  It's not looking good.  He takes it out on you, which is ABSOLUTELY ridiculous since he is the one who can't get his act together & you were only trying to help him with a favor.

That's just a problem from an ethical and selfish and arrogant point of view.

He's not treating you as an equal.  And I should add he should be a lot more humbled when he is having to borrow money from his girlfriend, a student, while the rest of his money is "tied up" (hardly believable by the way!!) with his sister who must manage it for him because he is out of control with it.  He has no business acting like YOU don't have it together. HE doesn't have it together.  You guys aren't equals--he has a lot of catching up to do to be an equal with you.ugh.  He's an idiot.

This ^^^^ is absolutely correct. Well said 

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Posted
5 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

granted people are typically super stressed when they have financial problems.  BUT, he's leaning on you & you need to find out how he manages himself under times of stress, and how he deals with money.  It's not looking good.  He takes it out on you, which is ABSOLUTELY ridiculous since he is the one who can't get his act together & you were only trying to help him with a favor.

That's just a problem from an ethical and selfish and arrogant point of view.

He's not treating you as an equal.  And I should add he should be a lot more humbled when he is having to borrow money from his girlfriend, a student, while the rest of his money is "tied up" (hardly believable by the way!!) with his sister who must manage it for him because he is out of control with it.  He has no business acting like YOU don't have it together. HE doesn't have it together.  You guys aren't equals--he has a lot of catching up to do to be an equal with you.ugh.  He's an idiot.

He doesn't have financial problems. He just doesn't want to aks his sister. He knows he spends a lot and so he has decided to give his money to her and ask her for money when he needs it. I know he gets well paid unless he lies. I'm sure he is going to give it back to me. I only hate the fact that he said that. 

Posted

My best advice to you is to stop giving your boyfriend money.  Let him be a man and go to his sister and face her wrath if he refuses to live within his means.  You are a student, not a trust fund baby--you're on a somewhat limited income right now, so it's not like you're burning dollar bills to light you incense sticks.

If he gets mad, then you will know you're with the wrong person. He's not entitled to your treasury just because he won't curb his spending.  He's got money, but not the balls to ask his sister to release his funds.

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Posted (edited)
46 minutes ago, Lewana said:

It is not a big amount of money and I don't care that much for that because he has always paid for us and never let me do it. He also is not that type of guy who doesn't pay back, but I hate what he said in the end. It has happened 2-3 other times that he has mentioned that I'm unable to do any certain thing. He said all I could do is studying. 

then if the amount isn't big, he can go ask his sister--or go without what he wants to squander your hard earned money on.

The berating you is the largest issue here--and the longer you stay and enable this, the more respect for you he loses. See, he respects his sister enough not to bring his messiness to her, but he doesn't you.

The bank issue was the universe telling you to stop loaning this guy money when he's got money. If he's grown enough to talk to you the way he does, he's grown enough to go talk to his sister like that.

Edited by kendahke
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Posted
Just now, kendahke said:

My best advice to you is to stop giving your boyfriend money.  Let him be a man and go to his sister and face her wrath if he refuses to live within his means.  You are a student, not a trust fund baby--you're on a somewhat limited income right now, so it's not like you're burning dollar bills to light you incense sticks.

If he gets mad, then you will know you're with the wrong person. He's not entitled to your treasury just because he won't curb his spending.  He's got money, but not the balls to ask his sister to release his funds.

He said to me that if it wasn't ok for me to give him money, it would be fine, no problem at all. I would do it for him because as I said he is always the only one paying. (He gets paid really good actually for the average in that country)

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Posted
2 minutes ago, kendahke said:

then if the amount isn't big, he can go ask his sister--or go without what he wants to squander your hard earned money on.

But he spent already a lot of money and doesn't want to get in argument with her. 

Posted
2 minutes ago, Lewana said:

He said to me that if it wasn't ok for me to give him money, it would be fine, no problem at all. I would do it for him because as I said he is always the only one paying. (He gets paid really good actually for the average in that country)

Then stop loaning him money.

Posted (edited)
5 minutes ago, Lewana said:

But he spent already a lot of money and doesn't want to get in argument with her. 

But nothing..

Coming to you is him turning you into his enabler... it's like if he was an alcoholic talking you into going to the store to get his liquor and being mad when the store is closed or you don't have the proper ID to get it...  

or a gambler gambling away the rent money and coming to you .? ...wait-- is he gambling his money away?

Stop making excuses for him. He's not your child. He's a grown man. He needs to learn to handle his money or go face his sister because whatever argument he gets into with her, she's right.

Right now, he insults you because he's lost respect for you for being his enabler. That can change and not in a good or safe way for you.

Edited by kendahke
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Posted
9 minutes ago, Lewana said:

He doesn't have financial problems. He just doesn't want to aks his sister. He knows he spends a lot and so he has decided to give his money to her and ask her for money when he needs it. I know he gets well paid unless he lies. I'm sure he is going to give it back to me. I only hate the fact that he said that. 

hun, you need to re read this post.  Yes, he has financial problems. The fact he has his sister control his finances because he cant control his spending shows he has financial problems. He isnt asking her, because she knows the truth and will likely freak out on him wondering where his money has gone.

What is this money for?  If it was a necessity, wouldn't his sister give it to him no problem?

Does he have a substance abuse problem? Gambling? Escorts? Where is all his money going if he makes good money? Surely he keeps an amount for himself between pay checks to live off of, so did he spend it all? Again, a show of poor financial strength.

I really think you are naive to believe this man does not have financial issues.  

My advice is to not lend him money. You are now becoming the next crutch for him in his poor financial handlings.  Even if he pays you back, if he can not budget to live between pay checks how will he ever manage his life financially?

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Posted
4 minutes ago, Lewana said:

He doesn't have financial problems. He just doesn't want to aks his sister. He knows he spends a lot and so he has decided to give his money to her and ask her for money when he needs it. I know he gets well paid unless he lies. I'm sure he is going to give it back to me. I only hate the fact that he said that. 

He DOES have financial problems.  Not in the sense perhaps that he doesn't make a decent amount of money.  However, he has no discipline over his money and spending habits---so much so that his sister must take care of things for him.

I would guess that you don't have the real truth about his financial well being anyway.  For a guy that is out of school and working, it's very odd & immature that he must have his money managed by family.  Which indicates the problem is more severe than you know or that he will admit to OR that his family has control issues over him.  Neither of this is good.  He needs to stand on his own feet rather than berate you for something small that was out of your control.  Plus let's be real, shouldn't he just have been bugging his sister if indeed there was money in his account to get it or he wasn't breaking his spending guidelines.  The point is he turned to you because he needs a new source, whether he's trying to operate outside of the guidelines that are set up with his sister or he's out of money and borrowing on time, means he overspends.  He's just transfer his needs to another person.  Looks like he still doesn't live within his means.  

Money problems is the number one reason couples (married, living together) split up.  Sounds like you guys are relatively new together and he is showing you that this is how he conducts his life consistently and you would be foolish to stick with him.

Money problems are not JUST lack of money but how a person manages it or mismanages is, uses it to control the other person or takes more than their fair share in an "equal" partnership or doesn't contribute equal (hard cash or effort toward the household).  Resentment builds up.  You pretty much indicated you already have that toward him.  I agree.  He's out of line.

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Posted
9 minutes ago, Lewana said:

But he spent already a lot of money and doesn't want to get in argument with her. 

See you kind of don't get it.  There are people that make millions and still overspend.  They overdo it and don't live within the money they have.  It's not always about the total money a person earns in comparison to others or being high for the area you live in.  It's how it is spent, below or under that amount.  If it is used wisely and within a proper budget. 

I think it's funny that he's scared to get in a fight with his sister but not you.  Kind of already shows you he's willing to take you for granted and steamroll you.  Or maybe his sister is just so fed up and knows him well and done with his money games--whereas you don't know.

I'm not really sure why you came on here to complain about him and get advice and see if you were on the right track for feeling as you do, if you were going to just defend him.  I get that you think you love him, but neutral outsiders can see he's in the wrong and indefensible.

*you'd be better off paying for some of the dates so he doesn't spend beyond his means and get into this sort of trouble.  My guess though is he will still overspend with the money he saves from not paying for all the dates and you will be right back here in this valley of resentment and feeling underestimated.  It's a character trait of his.  Why do you think his sister is frustrated?

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Posted

Well I know that, that is wrong. I wouldn't give him money if he hadn't paid for the dates or for the holiday, because I know that my parents are struggeling to earn that money for my studies. As I said, I feel bad to not give it to him, because he has paid every time. (I mean not always but most of the time) 

Posted
4 minutes ago, Lewana said:

 I know that my parents are struggling to earn that money for my studies.

I would flip if I learn my daughter let her financially irresponsible boyfriend borrow money I give her. This is not your money, it's your parents. Your boyfriend HAS money, he can get it. Why would YOU go an entire month without the little money you have?? to help a man that spends his money on nothingness? And on top of that you can only transfer him money through the bank? there are fees associated to that, I bet he refunds that too? 

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Posted
8 minutes ago, Lewana said:

I wouldn't give him money if he hadn't paid for the dates or for the holiday

So what, he's working it's normal he pays, he knows you're a student. 

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Posted (edited)
11 minutes ago, Lewana said:

I wouldn't give him money if he hadn't paid for the dates or for the holiday, because I know that my parents are struggeling to earn that money for my studies. As I said, I feel bad to not give it to him, because he has paid every time. (I mean not always but most of the time) 

Apples and oranges.

If he's taking you out all the time for dates and holiday trips knowing he doesn't have the money to do it, the perhaps he needs to quit taking you out so much or take you places that don't run him to the poor house---he needs to live within his means. That's what all responsible adults do... at the very least, when you, admittedly, on limited funds, can't get your funds to stem his money hemorrhage, he needs to swallow that bile he's vomiting at you.

 

Edited by kendahke
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Posted
4 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I would flip if I learn my daughter let her financially irresponsible boyfriend borrow money I give her. This is not your money, it's your parents. Your boyfriend HAS money, he can get it. Why would YOU go an entire month without the little money you have?? to help a man that spends his money on nothingness? And on top of that you can only transfer him money through the bank? there are fees associated to that, I bet he refunds that too? 

I have a scholarship, not much but it helps me. I'm giving him 2/3 of my scholarship. That is why I don't consider it that much like I'm giving him my parent's money. 
As I said, I know it is wrong and he knows that I'm a student, not working, my parents don't get paid that good, and everything else. If I was him, I wouldn't ask my girlfriend for money. But I don't know how to say it to him, because he has done that much, so I can't make it a big deal now. Furthermore he is paying me back  
 

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