major_merrick Posted August 7, 2020 Posted August 7, 2020 (edited) As others have said, saying that you live with your mother is romantic suicide at age 30. Lying was one of your best options, although being assertive is better. But unfortunately you've been caught. This won't go back to the way it was. To save your dignity and leave her wondering, I would pre-emptively dump her if I was you. Because she's well on the road to saying goodbye any day now. In the process, call her out. Inform her that she's judging you, thinking that you're dependent when you are actually supporting your aging mother financially and with your presence. State that her toxic and entitled attitude would be incompatible with your family's values, or something along those lines. Since your GF is on the way out, you have nothing to lose by being politely aggressive. On the 1% chance that the relationship can actually be salvaged, acting in this manner might re-establish the masculinity that your GF believes you no longer possess. You will only lose her respect by pleading, justifying, and negotiating. Whether the relationship ends or she rethinks her actions, you'll retain your pride and self-esteem. For the future, figure out if you intend to live with your mother for the rest of her life. If so, you'll need to be assertive about that fact and the reasoning behind it. If not, it might be better to get your own place nearby. Edited August 7, 2020 by major_merrick 1 2
Blind-Sided Posted August 7, 2020 Posted August 7, 2020 On 8/5/2020 at 8:19 PM, UrbanCamo said: That's a little extreme. I didn't hide it or lie. ........ The comment isn't extreme at all... and you basically did lie. Because......... On 8/5/2020 at 8:01 PM, FMW said: I think it's a valid point of concern. I would also think that after 3 months of dating and now deciding to be exclusive, never telling her is an issue. Saying roommate seems deceptive to me. .... You obviously know "Living with my mom"... regardless of the actual situation is off putting, and that's why you said "Roommate" to your new GF. From your GF's side... that is a "Cover-up" kind of lie... of "Half Truth." But you made the conscious choice to say "Roommate" and not "Mom." If you want any relationship to last... you have to be completely truthful. The other side of it is... why did you make a big deal over where you lived prior? That is the second hit to your honesty. You may ask why... and that's because EVENTUALLY that truth will come out also, and you are obviously agitated by the question, and didn't want to answer. (another cover-up or half truth) I tell my new GF everything she asks about. She has gotten upset a few times, because I will give details about my exW... but I've told her... if she didn't want to know... she shouldn't have asked. But, I can make the point that I'm being truthful. I wish you luck in moving forward. 3
Blind-Sided Posted August 7, 2020 Posted August 7, 2020 (edited) On 8/6/2020 at 5:39 AM, elaine567 said: Agreed. Women especially women who are already independent with their own place, tend to want similar men, not men who are still staying at home, being no doubt looked after by their mother.. These women have escaped the "shackles" of their parents and do not want to go backwards. They do not want to look after a dependent man either. By staying 99% of your time at her place, because the truth is, you have no place, she will have lost some respect for you and that is without the lying... If your mother does indeed need all that help, then your gf will not be dreaming of the day you two can be a family PLUS your mother... Few modern Western women want an in-house mother in law. That is I guess not on her tick list, not at 29 anyway. This is so true. I have 2 female friends who fell into this situation. They chose guys who weren't ready to leave Mom, and lived at home later in life. The one hasn't even been married for a year yet, and is ready to divorce. (actually working on it) They dated for years, and even broke up over his mom issues. But eventually got back together, and she thought that getting married, and buying a house would solve the problems. But nope... it didn't. He is a good guy, but she has become his new mom... and she doesn't want to be. She actually said to me the other day.... "you know how some people think that having a baby will save their marriage? Well... I thought getting married would save my relationship." (They have been together, on-and-off, for 7 years) So... OP... look into your self, and figure out where your life is. I know your mother is family... but to move forward... you have to be able to cut those ties. You can still help her living somewhere else... and women at this age are looking to start their own family. Edited August 7, 2020 by Blind-Sided 1
snowboy91 Posted August 7, 2020 Posted August 7, 2020 On 8/6/2020 at 9:47 AM, UrbanCamo said: She said what mainly bothered her was that I never told her and that the first time she came over I told her I lived with a "roommate". I said I didn't bring it up because I don't think it effects our relationship in any way and also don't think it matters (aside from the dates/trips we go on, we've hungout at her place 99.5% of the time anyways, and kind of have to because she has two dogs that need to be taken out several times a day), and also told her I said "roommate" because I didn't want her to judge me on my living situation right off the bat before even getting to know me. There's a huge difference between living with a parent because you're too lazy/comfortable etc to move out, and living with a parent because they require care. I would see the issue as less about you living with your mom, and more about you lying about it at the start. If you can't be truthful about the things that you think aren't important, what does it say about the things that are important? It suggests you'll lie just to make yourself look better. 2
Vitaminka Posted August 7, 2020 Posted August 7, 2020 Wow, this is a perfect example of a gaslighting. A guy lies to a girl and when gets caught in a lie, turns it around and blames the woman for having issues. Like she is somehow at fault here. Telling half truths, lies by omission, well, guess what, they are all lies. My ex used to be like that. Didn't tell me things and then was like "Well, I didn't lie to you, you just didn't ask me." lol. OP, be honest and straightforward, no matter what your living arrangements are at the moment. Women may or may not like it, but don't treat it like a dirty little secret you have. I moved up back with my parents when I was in my early 30th because I got sick and couldn't take care of myself. I got better after few years, saved some money and moved out. But I never lied to anybody about it. Some guys didn't like me living with my folks, oh well. Most didn't have a problem. But why be dishonest and misleading? 8
Wiseman2 Posted August 7, 2020 Posted August 7, 2020 On 8/5/2020 at 8:19 PM, UrbanCamo said: I'm surprised, because my living situation doesn't effect our relationship in any way, shape or form. But now it seems like it's being made out to be as bad as, for example, me having a contagious disease or being married and not telling her. It wasn't something that I ever thought about when I was with her and, in my mind, is on the same level as something trivial like having hairy toes--maybe a little weird but it doesn't even matter and there's no reason to bring it up. Obviously it does effect things otherwise you wouldn't have lied about it. No one want to be your weekend bnb escape from mom. Get your own place so you don't need to live in so much shame that you come up with stories about "roommates". 2
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted August 7, 2020 Posted August 7, 2020 7 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: No one want to be your weekend bnb escape from mom. Ha! Didn't think of that, but yeah, you're right! 2
Author UrbanCamo Posted August 7, 2020 Author Posted August 7, 2020 (edited) Man there's a lot of bitter people on here. Holy s***! Thanks for all the bad advice anyways I guess--even the guy telling me to preemptively dump her Edited August 7, 2020 by UrbanCamo 1
Allupinnit Posted August 7, 2020 Posted August 7, 2020 Bitter? Is the same side of you that told your GF she has trust issues? I think you need some self-reflection, because your response to being called out is to gaslight. 6
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted August 7, 2020 Posted August 7, 2020 48 minutes ago, UrbanCamo said: Man there's a lot of bitter people on here. Holy s***! Thanks for all the bad advice anyways I guess--even the guy telling me to preemptively dump her That was a woman. Just because you don't agree with it and want to remain in denial doesn't make it bad advice. But, keep on doin' what you're doin' and see how that trust thing goes for ya. 3
Wiseman2 Posted August 7, 2020 Posted August 7, 2020 55 minutes ago, UrbanCamo said: Man there's a lot of bitter people on here. Holy s***! Thanks for all the bad advice anyways I guess--even the guy telling me to preemptively dump her Wait.... you showed this thread to your mother!? 4
kendahke Posted August 7, 2020 Posted August 7, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, UrbanCamo said: Man there's a lot of bitter people on here. Holy s***! Thanks for all the bad advice anyways I guess--even the guy telling me to preemptively dump her No one here is bitter just because we're seeing her side of things. You didn't get the validation for that lie you told. Doesn't make anyone bitter. Just get your own place and quit crashing at hers. Edited August 7, 2020 by kendahke 1
poppyfields Posted August 7, 2020 Posted August 7, 2020 (edited) On 8/5/2020 at 4:47 PM, UrbanCamo said: ...even if I DID have my own place, I feel like I'd barely be there. Unless I was having guests over, I'd probably visit my parents most of the time anyways. And before I met her the only reason I ever felt the need/want to have my own place was for having dates over. You said your parents are divorced and you're living with your mom, so the bolded doesn't make sense. What also doesn't make sense is that as a 30-year old man, even if you were to get your own place, which making six figures a year you could certainly afford, why would you choose to spend the majority of time with your parents? Or specifically your mom? If you lived on your own, independently like most 30 year old men pulling in six figures, you could still give her money if that's the issue. I dunno, putting myself in your gf's shoes, something sounds very off here. Between the lie (of omission) and your obvious over-attachment to your mum, I'd be seriously questioning this very young 3-month old RL. Edited August 7, 2020 by poppyfields 2
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted August 7, 2020 Posted August 7, 2020 7 minutes ago, poppyfields said: You said your parents are divorced and you're living with your mom, so the bolded doesn't make sense. I assumed he meant either visiting his mom or visiting his dad. 1
poppyfields Posted August 7, 2020 Posted August 7, 2020 (edited) 9 minutes ago, CautiouslyOptimistic said: I assumed he meant either visiting his mom or visiting his dad. Good gawd, that's worse. Grown man with great job, living on his own, choosing to spend most of his free time with mom and dad at separate residences -- to the OP, at what point do you cut the strings and begin living independently from mom and dad? Like I said, you could still give your mom (and dad if necessary) money to financially help out. Serious question. Edited August 7, 2020 by poppyfields 1
kendahke Posted August 7, 2020 Posted August 7, 2020 1 hour ago, poppyfields said: Good gawd, that's worse. Grown man with great job, living on his own, choosing to spend most of his free time with mom and dad at separate residences - Some people have close relationships with their parents.... some don't. OP does. Doesn't make him wrong. Just makes him wrong for this particular chick. 3
poppyfields Posted August 7, 2020 Posted August 7, 2020 19 minutes ago, kendahke said: Some people have close relationships with their parents.... some don't. OP does. Doesn't make him wrong. Just makes him wrong for this particular chick. Agree it's not wrong, and I was extremely close with my parents too, especially my dad before his death. But I still never chose to spend the majority of my free time with them; I have a life independent of them, friends, activities, etc. I dunno, I just find it very unusual at his age, and I'd be questioning whether such a man would be the right fit for me, as the OP's gf might be doing. That's all.
Ruby Slippers Posted August 7, 2020 Posted August 7, 2020 More than 3 dozen posts saying basically the same thing and we're all "bitter." Deep down he knows we're right, just isn't ready to face the music and cut the cord. Never underestimate the power of denial. 3 1
ShyViolet Posted August 7, 2020 Posted August 7, 2020 5 hours ago, UrbanCamo said: Man there's a lot of bitter people on here. Holy s***! Thanks for all the bad advice anyways I guess--even the guy telling me to preemptively dump her What a disappointing response. It sounds like you haven't learned anything. You're getting defensive, and calling everyone who gave you advice "bitter", instead actually wanting to solve your problem and improve yourself. If everyone is saying the same thing, that should tell you something. 2
sothereiwas Posted August 7, 2020 Posted August 7, 2020 On 8/6/2020 at 12:31 AM, enigma32 said: I will mention this also. I think most men that still live with their parents lie about it. There is a difference between living with your parents and your parents living with you. A freeze frame of the scenario might look the same but the distribution of responsibilities is vastly different. I think it's a sign of a good son, probably, if he's taking care of a parent. The roommate thing was a blunder, far better IMO to simply have said "I take care of my mom", and be done with it. 1
Ruby Slippers Posted August 8, 2020 Posted August 8, 2020 1 hour ago, sothereiwas said: There is a difference between living with your parents and your parents living with you. He said in the first post that he moved in with his mom. So he is living with her - she's not living with him. Anyway, it's semantics. A grown man cohabiting with his parents in any circumstance is something he should be open about. It's not equivalent whatsoever to "living with a roommate." 1 1
sothereiwas Posted August 8, 2020 Posted August 8, 2020 9 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said: He said in the first post that he moved in with his mom. So he is living with her - she's not living with him. Depends on who owns the house and pays the bills, not seniority.
Ruby Slippers Posted August 8, 2020 Posted August 8, 2020 Even if his mom moved in with him and he paid 100% of the bills, that's still something he shouldn't keep from a girlfriend. It's still not a roommate. 4
poppyfields Posted August 8, 2020 Posted August 8, 2020 Why He Lied I think he’s embarrassed. That is why he referred to mom as his roommate. He KNOWS that at 30 years of age, raking in six figures, he should be living on his own. But hey, he likes living at home with mom! So he will continue to do so. And will continue to lie and refer to her as a roommate to save face with any new woman he meets and/or begins to date. If any woman dares to question it, she gets gaslighted or worse dumped. His RL with mom is what's important, his priority. That’s my take. 4
sothereiwas Posted August 8, 2020 Posted August 8, 2020 5 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said: Even if his mom moved in with him and he paid 100% of the bills, that's still something he shouldn't keep from a girlfriend. It's still not a roommate. I agree. Should have just said he takes care of his mom, that's potentially a sign of character.
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