Girl I'm seeing called me out for living with parents....

[UrbanCamo]

She's 29 and I'm 30.

Been seeing her for ~3 months and we just (officially) went exclusive, as in had the DTR talk and decided to see only each other, about a week ago. We were watching a movie last night at her place and she randomly paused it and asked me if I live with my parents. I told her I moved in with my mom a year ago to help support her since she's over 60, alone, and is also now on unemployment due to COVID. I give her money every month and help her with different stuff (I'm an only child and my parents are divorced).

She then started asking me where I used to live before I moved back in with my mom (trying to catch me in a lie I'm guessing) and I was just like what? Why does that matter?

She said she "knew right away" when she came over the first time (which was the first time we ever hungout), but wanted to wait for me to tell her, but I never did. She said what mainly bothered her was that I never told her and that the first time she came over I told her I lived with a "roommate". I said I didn't bring it up because I don't think it effects our relationship in any way and also don't think it matters (aside from the dates/trips we go on, we've hungout at her place 99.5% of the time anyways, and kind of have to because she has two dogs that need to be taken out several times a day), and also told her I said "roommate" because I didn't want her to judge me on my living situation right off the bat before even getting to know me. I also told her it has nothing to do with (my) finances--and that I make 105k/year and have 215k+ saved, and if I wanted to could even buy a house (not to brag, just to make a point).

I didn't tell her this, but even if I DID have my own place, I feel like I'd barely be there. Unless I was having guests over, I'd probably visit my parents most of the time anyways. And before I met her the only reason I ever felt the need/want to have my own place was for having dates over.

I then brought up (in a nice way) how it's obvious that she has trust issues, and she said it has to do with her older sister, then immediately started getting emotional and I told her we didn't have to talk about it and she could tell me when she's ready.

After all that, the rest of the night was good and she texted me a meme after I had left.

I'm just slightly worried she could build this up in her head to be a big deal even though it shouldn't be... Truth is, if we got into a serious relationship where we wanted to live together, I could easily get a place where we could do that.

Edited August 5, 2020 by UrbanCamo

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear that. All you can do is be more forthcoming. Don't accuse her of trust issues. You hid and lied about a rather significant situation.

[FMW]

I think it's a valid point of concern.

I would also think that after 3 months of dating and now deciding to be exclusive,  never telling her is an issue.  Saying roommate seems deceptive to me.  I assume deciding to be exclusive means you want to see if this relationship can develop, so being vague about your living situation would put me off if I were her.  If you had been up front about it after the first month of dating she probably would have handled it differently.    

It's nice to want to help your mom, but most people would find it odd that you moved in.  I would worry that you are too attached to your mother or lack the independence to be on your own (probably why she was asking about where you lived before).  By the way, I don't have siblings either and my mother is a 73 year old widow, so I understand the heightened feeling of responsibility it can bring.  But I still understand her reaction.   

Even though you don't think it's a big deal, she's not being unreasonable by being concerned. 

[UrbanCamo]

22 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry to hear that. All you can do is be more forthcoming. Don't accuse her of trust issues. You hid and lied about a rather significant situation.

That's a little extreme. I didn't hide it or lie. When she asked (last night) I told her. And (initially) saying I have "roommate" was not a lie because my mom isn't supporting me. I'm supporting myself and could even argue that I'm supporting her as well--we just live in the same house.

I'm surprised, because my living situation doesn't effect our relationship in any way, shape or form. But now it seems like it's being made out to be as bad as, for example, me having a contagious disease or being married and not telling her. It wasn't something that I ever thought about when I was with her and, in my mind, is on the same level as something trivial like having hairy toes--maybe a little weird but it doesn't even matter and there's no reason to bring it up.

Edited August 6, 2020 by UrbanCamo

[kendahke]

2 hours ago, UrbanCamo said:

my living situation doesn't effect our relationship in any way, shape or form.

To you, perhaps, but not to her.

She's been ruminating on this one for a while--that's why she dramatically brought it to your attention.

Someone got in her ear about a grown man living with his mom is probably a "mama's boy", and she's giving it more credence than you think it deserves. In order to keep her, you're most likely are going to have to get your own place so she can hold her head up to her friends. If you can afford both places, then do it.  If not, this is her shot across your bow--take is seriously.

[Ami1uwant]

2 hours ago, UrbanCamo said:

That's a little extreme. I didn't hide it or lie. When she asked (last night) I told her. And (initially) saying I have "roommate" was not a lie because my mom isn't supporting me. I'm supporting myself and could even argue that I'm supporting her as well--we just live in the same house.

I'm surprised, because my living situation doesn't effect our relationship in any way, shape or form. But now it seems like it's being made out to be as bad as, for example, me having a contagious disease or being married and not telling her. It wasn't something that I ever thought about when I was with her and, in my mind, is on the same level as something trivial like having hairy toes--maybe a little weird but it doesn't even matter and there's no reason to bring it up.

 

 

You didnt necessarily hide hide from her.

sometimes it’s not saying the full situation and bring up front.

 

I dated a woman when I was around your age. She was a couple years older. She lived eith her mom. She said this early on. Her dad had died. Her mom was in her late 60s and needed some support.

why not say this from the start.

 

the other issue when she asked where did you live before moving in with mom is a fair question. There is no need to not disclose something like that. It’s an overview question similar to relationship history where you aren’t getting into relationship details like I dates a girl thru college and dated another girl for a few years in my mid 20s.

 

 

[ShyViolet]

You had been dating for 3 months and she didn't know your living situation?  Sorry but you did kinda lie.  You said you lived with a "roommate."  Your mom is not a roommate.  You say it wasn't lying because when she flat-out asked, you did admit it.  Well after 3 months of dating, she shouldn't have to ask you something like that.  You should have just been transparent about it from the beginning.  I know you were afraid of being judged for it, but still, hiding things is a really bad thing to do.  You should never start out a relationship with dishonesty.  The truth will come out sooner or later, and when it does, it will blow up in your face.  You should have just been open about it from the beginning, and if she thought less of you for that, then that would be your sign that she isn't someone you want to be with anyway.

[ShyViolet]

5 hours ago, UrbanCamo said:

It wasn't something that I ever thought about when I was with her and, in my mind, is on the same level as something trivial like having hairy toes--maybe a little weird but it doesn't even matter and there's no reason to bring it up.

Who you live with is not something "trivial", it's a pretty basic fact about yourself that should be revealed within the first couple of dates.  It's super weird to hide this from someone you have been dating 3 months.  

[ExpatInItaly]

The reason you currently live with your mom isn't necessarily the issue, nor is the fact that you can afford to live on your own.  

It's that you were not honest about it. You do not have "roommate"; that is a lie. It also is naive to assume that your living situation will never affect your relationship. Of course it will.

My own partner took in his elderly mother some years ago, because she had nowhere else to go after his father left, and in this country and culture, nursing homes are not really the done thing. Elderly often live with adult children. I have known about this from the beginning, and while she and he each have enough space in his home to not get in each other's hair too much, it would be untrue to say it has zero effect on us as a couple. She is there when we have Sunday lunch on the weekend; she sometimes needs help with certain tasks; she calls him when she needs something. He worries and sticks closer to home when she's unwell. Sometimes they get on each other's nerves. It's family living with family, after all. I chose to accept it, and we have the right boundaries in place to make it workable. 

Had he tried to hide this? It would have been a very different story. It's very unfair of you to accuse her of having trust issues, and obviously it was a deflection tactic that didn't work. You are the one making it hard to trust. Don't turn it around on her; you were not forthcoming and she had to get it out of you, 3 months in. That doesn't look good on you. You're painting yourself as dishonest person who will hide things or change the facts to get what he wants. Even if you have a valid reason to live with you mom right now, the way you handled this was all wrong. 

[elaine567]

You lied and then you had the nerve to blame your gf for HER trust issues...
She was correct not to trust you as you lied to her face..
I don't know about your Mom, but women in their 60s are often perfectly capable of looking after themselves.
Have you ever moved out or was that another lie?

This is serious and of course it will affect your relationship.
A) you are  a proven liar and B) you apparently have a dependant parent that you will need to look after for life...
Neither are good from your gfs point of view.

[thefooloftheyear]

Here's the thing...

You concealed it because deep down you knew it would be an issue...So you really can't blame her for raising a concern...

This is an area where, unfortunately, the disdain isn't the same for both genders....Many guys likely would not have a problem with a 30 year old woman that is "taking care" of her mother for whatever the reason...Women are still considered the nurturers, the care givers, etc..I take care of my mom financially too, but I don't live with her...I visit her often and handle things.. If anything, Id take her into my house, not the other way around

Most women dream of a guy with independence and his own domain/stuff...What you are doing(for whatever the reason), just isn't very sexy to a woman that may be at the age where she wants to "settle down and play house with kid(s) and all that entails and is considered now a full fledged adult woman...Plus, with your situation, it's never going to be romantic unless you go to her place...

She is still at the stage of sizing you up...You can say it has no bearing on the relationship, but its a good bet that's not what she is thinking...You can probably overcome this, but you likely should have a definitive plan in place...Your mom isn't that old and I am sure she would be fine if you supported her and visited her without the living together thing...

Just talk to her about what your life plan is...I am telling you that probably the clock is ticking in her head to find a real life partner...She may bail on this, if she thinks you don't have a real plan in place very soon...If you value her, best start listening to what she is saying and understand where she is coming from..

TFY

[schlumpy]

You made a mistake selecting your girlfriend. You need one that is heavily connected to family and would require you to help your mother out even if that means living with her.

The one you have is looking for a sign that she will be the center of your life - not your mother.

[elaine567]

4 minutes ago, thefooloftheyear said:

Most women dream of a guy with independence and his own domain/stuff...What you are doing(for whatever the reason), just isn't very sexy to a woman that may be at the age where she wants to "settle down and play house with kid(s) and all that entails and is considered now a full fledged adult woman...Plus, with your situation, it's never going to be romantic unless you go to her place...

Agreed.
Women especially women who are already independent with their own place, tend to want similar men, not men who are still staying at home, being no doubt looked after by their mother..
These women have escaped the "shackles" of their parents and do not want to go backwards. They do not want to look after a dependent man either.
By staying 99% of your time at her place, because the truth is, you have no place,  she will have lost some respect for you and that is without the lying...
If your mother does indeed need all that help, then your gf will not be dreaming of the day you two can be a family PLUS your mother... Few modern Western women want an in-house mother in law.
That is I guess not on her tick list, not at 29 anyway.

[Acacia98]

40 minutes ago, schlumpy said:

You made a mistake selecting your girlfriend. You need one that is heavily connected to family and would require you to help your mother out even if that means living with her.

Exactly. OP seems to have forgotten that dating is about sizing each other up and figuring out whether they're compatible for each other. It's not just about his girlfriend trying to figure out if she wants to be with someone who lives with his mother. It's also about him trying to figure out whether he wants to be with someone who might frown on his particular set of family values. 

There are folks who have no problem with multigenerational households as long as there are healthy emotional relationships and appropriate boundaries. What are the odds that OP will find such a woman if he's busy concealing the fact that he comes from such a household?

Edited August 6, 2020 by Acacia98
Correcting a typo

[Acacia98]

29 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

If your mother does indeed need all that help, then your gf will not be dreaming of the day you two can be a family PLUS your mother... Few modern Western women want an in-house mother in law.
That is I guess not on her tick list, not at 29 anyway.

True.

But, regardless of Western norms and ideals, things are likely going to change within this generation. The prosperity and social safety net that many in Western societies have gotten accustomed to are in the process of collapsing. People may soon find themselves having to stay closer home and live in multigenerational households.

Edited August 6, 2020 by Acacia98
Correcting a typo

[Calmandfocused]

If a man of your age told me he lives with his mother, this would indicate to me that he lacks the skills and capacity to take care of himself. 

like others I agree that your mother is young and probably doesn’t need you to take care of her. Are you sure this is not about her taking care of you? For example does she cook for you? Wash your clothes? Tidy up after you? 
 

If so, you need to be honest with yourself and own the dependency you have on your mother. Stop making excuses. 
 

Subconsciously you are aware that your living situation is incongruent with the image of a man who can provide for a family, and one who can look after himself and a home. That’s why you hid the truth from your gf. You know deep down that’s what your gf wants in a man. 
 

So you can either stay as you are ... or you can grow up, be a man and demonstrate that you are a functioning, independent adult male who can take care of himself. It’s not like you’re short of money is it? You can still support your mother financially whilst living elsewhere. 
 

Only you can make that decision. 
 

 

 

Edited August 6, 2020 by Calmandfocused

[Ruby Slippers]

You obviously have some degree of shame about living with your mom or you wouldn't have lied about this major info and you wouldn't be deflecting blame on her for trust issues. 

It's perfectly reasonable for her to ask where you were living before. She wants to know if you've ever been independent and self-sufficient - that is, living on your own as a grown man, taking care of your own laundry and cleaning, meals, social life, etc. - or never left the nest. 

A 29-year-old woman is most likely thinking about whether she can see herself marrying and having a family with you. Not many women can envision that with a mother-in-law in the house. To a lot of women, living with your mom at 30 makes you an ineligible bachelor. The most difficult relationship in any family is the one between the wife and mother-in-law, as generally both want the position of priority.

Healthy adult males in happy relationships and marriages understand this and give that priority position to their wife/wife-to-be.

It doesn't mean you can't help out your mom, but at this stage in life, if you want a happy marriage and family someday, you'd be wise to start paving the way for prioritizing that.

Why not get your own place and independence? You can still help your mom without living with her, and this will make you an eligible bachelor.

[Phallacy]

The whole thing is so comical dude.

It’s funny how men don’t give a rats a$$ about a gals living situation and then we grow up and yeah, we kinda do.

As someone alluded to earlier, folks are playing the ‘size me up’ game with their prospective partners.

I joke with my peers that there’s 3 dating tiers for men.

Men that can’t get a date

Men that get dates but can’t get laid

Men that get laid but can’t get a gf (not due to bad sex, lol)

When I rented, I landed on tier 3. I was even asked where my money was going? After all, I owned a Vette and had an MBA. Why no home?

Thing is, the only gals I met that were home owners, maybe 4 total, were widows with a sizable life insurance pay out or were receiving alimony. These women were snobs. The other gals typically lived with roomies.

I now play the game I learned from women. I’ve also observed many many situations where the gal starts her dating odyssey after a financial disaster. What a coincidence, eh? Just gonna land yourself a commitment aka wallet and solve all your problems? Total quackery 

Your gal and many others are exhibiting what I call husband shopping behavior.

That is perhaps the biggest issue I have with OLD. It really becomes a  sex v money issue very fast. Guy pushes for sex while gal wants to know what type of relationship she’s gonna get. Problem with is that it’s not very organic and the woman kills the date with interview type questions while the guy becomes doctor octopus too soon.

I’m now a home owner OP. The pics of my remodeled back yard/deck and kitchen on my profile get me many messages. It’s comical. 

And you know what? I got 2 room mates to occupy my vacant guest bedrooms. It’s easy money to stuff in my 401k!

I’m focusing on me and NOT taking care of some chick looking at her bottom line.

I personally would stop seeing your gal once I sniffed that she was sizing me up as husband material but hey, maybe you are looking for a wife?

[Phallacy]

Also OP, I predict your sex life is gonna take a nose dive now that she is losing respect for you.

Please don’t get all teary eyed and prove yourself.

Dust off your butt and get back in the biggest game that’s been going on since the dawn of man kind.

I keep things in 3rd gear now myself. I’ll pursue sex but I will NEVA push for a relationship

[ShyViolet]

OP, you can't be surprised if living with your mom puts a damper on your dating life.  Even though you're not living with her out of financial necessity.  You were clearly ashamed of it on some level, or you wouldn't have lied about it.  If you're so financially secure and make so much money, as you say, then why don't you just give your mom financial assistance without living there?

[thefooloftheyear]

.^^

She didn't get disappointed that he didn't have a trust fund, a Ferrari, a ripped bod, two houses and a 10" dick....She was only concerned that he didn't have a place of his own at that stage of life...I don't see it as anything that is or should be considered unreasonable or irrational on her part....That's what grown people generally do...

TFY

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

14 hours ago, UrbanCamo said:

It wasn't something that I ever thought about when I was with her

Yes it was.  You said, "I said "roommate" because I didn't want her to judge me on my living situation right off the bat before even getting to know me." You knew it wouldn't sound good so you concealed the whole truth.

You're trying to rewrite this when the fact is you hid this from her for a reason.  Period.Trying to make HER the "weird" one here for having any kind of issue with it is not a good look. Her having trust issues with you is a natural consequence of your actions.  

Just the fact that you don't think it's worth it to have your own place because "you'd never be there" is kinda lame.  Plenty of people live this way and still desire to have their own place. 

60 years old is not usually old enough to necessitate an in-home caretaker....is your mom ill?  My mom is 79 with myriad mobility issues and there's no way in hell I'd move in with her.   (And I'm not an only child, but my sibling lives all the way across the country so I might as well be).  

[Ruby Slippers]

1 hour ago, CautiouslyOptimistic said:

60 years old is not usually old enough to necessitate an in-home caretaker....is your mom ill?  My mom is 79 with myriad mobility issues and there's no way in hell I'd move in with her.   (And I'm not an only child, but my sibling lives all the way across the country so I might as well be).  

Same. My mom is 72 and fully independent. If she ever lost her faculties and needed me to take care of her, she could live next door or in a guest house that we'd build on my property, or some similar arrangement. We'd spend time together, but I'd see it as very important to have that space buffer when needed, both for my own peace of mind and so a potential mate would know we'll always have a private space just for us, even while I'm there for my mom. 

[d0nnivain]

Your use of the word roommate created a certain impression.  By saying roommate instead of mom you bent the truth & your new GF now worries that you bend the truth as a way of communicating.  That is why she is distrustful.  Even if she does have trust issues (which I don't see), you gave her reason to doubt your credibility. 

Had you simply said, my mom was alone so as a cost savings & to afford us both some stability I moved back in with her.  It has been a blessing during Covid because I was better able to keep her safe, your GF may have respected that. 

Your response to spill your finances before her in a defensive manner made you look more like a braggard.  There were better ways to make your point.  

 

Stop worrying about what she may be building up in her head, & do work on re-earning her trust by being clearer & more transparent in your communications. 

[Allupinnit]

You lied about this very important detail regarding whom you live with, and then tell her SHE has the trust issues?  LOL 

Dude just get your own place - you're 30 now.  Do you just expect every woman you meet to have a place where the two of you can hang alone?  

"I live with my mom" is indeed romantic suicide with women at your age and you were right to be worried that she'd judge you for it.  Now she's thinking you're even MORE lame for lying about it.  The old bait n' switch - never goes over well.