New Relationship Bedroom Trouble

[Watercolors]

1 hour ago, LibrarianLady89 said:

He also said his doctor told him to stop masturbating, so maybe he was having some sort of porn addiction. Not sure. 

To reference SATC again, remember the scene when Charlotte caught Trey masturbating in his bathroom to dirty magazines? That signifies he really wasn't emotionally attached to Charlotte and felt like he needed dirty magazines to get himself off in secret. So, its a shame and self-esteem issue for Trey. None of us know what is causing your boyfriend's ED (maybe he does but doesn't want to take the steps to repair it, we just don't know). 

Since you live 3 hours apart, just break up with him. 8 weeks is barely any time invested. Best to just tell him over the phone (text breakups are just plain rude) that you need to end things. Don't elaborate unless you absolutely *need* to, because most of the time, the person we break up with will dwell on the break-up, vs. the reason for the break-up. 

If you stay with him out of guilt, you're setting yourself up for a "dead bedroom" scenario, to use your own words. Dating during this pandemic stinks, but why stay with the wrong person to take care of their feelings and needs, while putting your own feelings and needs aside in the background? 

Edited August 6, 2020 by Watercolors

[LibrarianLady89]

25 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

Sacrifice your belongings for the peace of mind. Unless you left your diamond necklace, snow mobile, or car at his place, just leave your items behind. You can also always ask him to mail them to you (he can use that as an excuse to emotionally manipulate you and guilt-trip you). But, don't go get your things. Just end the relationship and forget about your "stuff." 

A little easier said than done, as he does have something of sentimental value of mine. And I also have a gaming controller he left at my house, and a computer monitor from when he visited me for a long weekend but still had to work remotely while he was here. So eventually, we will have to meet up to exchange items. But yes, I've already decided I will be breaking up with him. 

[LibrarianLady89]

19 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

To reference SATC again, remember the scene when Charlotte caught Trey masturbating in his bathroom to dirty magazines? That signifies he really wasn't emotionally attached to Charlotte and felt like he needed dirty magazines to get himself off in secret. So, its a shame and self-esteem issue for Trey. None of us know what is causing your boyfriend's ED (maybe he does but doesn't want to take the steps to repair it, we just don't know). 

Since you live 3 hours apart, just break up with him. 8 weeks is barely any time invested. Best to just tell him over the phone (text breakups are just plain rude) that you need to end things. Don't elaborate unless you absolutely *need* to, because most of the time, the person we break up with will dwell on the break-up, vs. the reason for the break-up. 

If you stay with him out of guilt, you're setting yourself up for a "dead bedroom" scenario, to use your own words. Dating during this pandemic stinks, but why stay with the wrong person to take care of their feelings and needs, while putting your own feelings and needs aside in the background? 

I agree with all of this. 

I'm definitely not happy or satisfied and I don't really see things improving. It might sound selfish, but at this stage in a new relationship, I just want things to be fun and easy. Sex life especially. 

[Wiseman2]

31 minutes ago, LibrarianLady89 said:

So eventually, we will have to meet up to exchange items. But yes, I've already decided I will be breaking up with him. 

It's bittersweet, but you are making the right choice. 

[Ami1uwant]

2 hours ago, LibrarianLady89 said:

This is pretty much how I feel about it. We've only been seeing each other a few weeks, and are still getting to know each other. I feel like it's not really my place to suggest this. It's his body. He should make that choice on his own. 

Should you penalize a person because of this?

you seem to have a very good connection so it would be a good idea to figure out the problem before canning it.

 

have you talked to him about masterbation or what he masterbaits to?

its possible he isn’t arroused to vanilla sex.

 

if he can masterbait then the  issue is with this.  Is it you or him..I don’t know.   He could really like the connection with you but might have a low attraction physically to you.  This could be something like a bo smell or  smelling your perfume. Ot hair smell.

 

i

[Ami1uwant]

1 hour ago, LibrarianLady89 said:

I agree with all of this. 

I'm definitely not happy or satisfied and I don't really see things improving. It might sound selfish, but at this stage in a new relationship, I just want things to be fun and easy. Sex life especially. 

 

 

If you feel outside of the sex issue this really can be something.  You should have a talk with him about what’s going on here.

 

there other possibilities...only he knows.

[lurker74]

21 hours ago, LibrarianLady89 said:

I agree with all of this. 

I'm definitely not happy or satisfied and I don't really see things improving. It might sound selfish, but at this stage in a new relationship, I just want things to be fun and easy. Sex life especially. 

It seems like you've made your decision and I think it's a sound decision but I would suggest, if you actually want to try, that you tell him to get medication. The instances of ED in ages above 35 is high. Sometimes it's chronic, like this guy, and sometimes its episodic and goes away when there have been repeated successes. Any doctor who listened to his story - absent a medical condition that would make it dangerous - and did NOT give him some samples to try is borderline committing malpractice.

It is entirely likely that if he popped a pill, he'd do just fine. And after a few sessions of medication, his worry about not getting hard will dissipate.

On the other hand, if you are already looking at him as potentially pathetic, like some of your language indicates, then it's definitely not worth trying. That doesn't make you selfish, just human. Having said that, assuming you are dating in the same range, the likelihood of encountering it again is high, so you may want to develop a plan accordingly. 

[basil67]

All this stuff about getting medication...If the cause of ED is psychological, using medication targeting physically-induced ED alone may not always be very effective. Viagra, for example, will only work if you are sexually aroused. 

What the OP's partner has described fits the description of psychological.  Particularly the sudden onset.  There's no reason to believe he was lying about this.   If he gets morning wood, then it's certainly psychological and the doctor was right to diagnose this.  

Yes, I think the doctor should have given meds, but with the caveat that it may not work.  And ALSO given sound advice (or a referral to someone who can) regarding managing the psychological issues.  

[LibrarianLady89]

20 hours ago, lurker74 said:

It seems like you've made your decision and I think it's a sound decision but I would suggest, if you actually want to try, that you tell him to get medication. The instances of ED in ages above 35 is high. Sometimes it's chronic, like this guy, and sometimes its episodic and goes away when there have been repeated successes. Any doctor who listened to his story - absent a medical condition that would make it dangerous - and did NOT give him some samples to try is borderline committing malpractice.

It is entirely likely that if he popped a pill, he'd do just fine. And after a few sessions of medication, his worry about not getting hard will dissipate.

On the other hand, if you are already looking at him as potentially pathetic, like some of your language indicates, then it's definitely not worth trying. That doesn't make you selfish, just human. Having said that, assuming you are dating in the same range, the likelihood of encountering it again is high, so you may want to develop a plan accordingly. 

I really don't view him as pathetic at all. Not even a little. I know he's just as frustrated as I am, and I don't fault him for this happening. It's just that, after two months with this still being a problem, I anticipate it as continuing to be a problem and I don't know if I want that right now. This is the first time I've ever encountered a man with ED, but I am sure it will not be the last. I tend to date in a 28-35 range. I don't think it's high, but sure it's possible. 

[GeorgiaPeach1]

The last time I encountered this, turns out he watched a lot of porn and masturbated very frequently. It becomes difficult to interact with a human.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, LibrarianLady89 said:

 I anticipate it as continuing to be a problem and I don't know if I want that right now. 

It would be best to simply end things and find healthier local men to date.

[lurker74]

On 8/5/2020 at 2:51 PM, LibrarianLady89 said:

I find myself feeling somewhat irritated when he's all over me, or trying to sext, dirty talk, whatever...maybe because I know it's not really going to lead to anything satisfying. 

 

On 8/8/2020 at 9:33 AM, LibrarianLady89 said:

I really don't view him as pathetic at all. Not even a little. 

Again, I have no judgement here. As @Wiseman2 says, it may be simpler to move on. But these two quotes seem at least somewhat contradictory. He can't (or at least hasn't) put his money where his mouth is (or I guess it's his penis where his mouth is!) so everything that leads in that direction is a failing waiting to happen. That is bad for both of you...him because it reinforces his issue and you because you feel guilty for being dissatisfied.

Bottom line is a little blue pill (which he can get online for 10 minutes of checking boxes and $50) would probably solve his problem. If he's note willing to try that, I would move on. But if you really like him other than the half mast stuff, it might be worth trying it out.