ShyViolet Posted August 6, 2020 Posted August 6, 2020 2 hours ago, LibrarianLady89 said: I really am just struggling with how to end things without pinpointing to this as an exact issue. Although maybe it doesn't matter? I suppose I could just say that I'm not really feeling we're compatible. If I were you, I would not tell him that the ED is the reason you're breaking up with him. I feel like that would be kind of.... mean. I dunno. Just tell him that you don't feel a strong enough connection, or you don't feel that you are compatible.
Noproblem Posted August 6, 2020 Posted August 6, 2020 (edited) he is lying. he is selfish to be in a relationship when he has these problems! he should fix himself and then date! The nerve of some people! You should tell him the ED is the problem so he knows and fixes himself .. You are doing him a favor! Edited August 6, 2020 by Noproblem 1
Lotsgoingon Posted August 6, 2020 Posted August 6, 2020 Why would you think this issue is shallow? Your partner can't have sex with you. In what world do you imagine you live in where that is a shallow issue? It's one thing if after 40 years of being married, a partner has a problem. This is two weeks into a relationship, right? Drop your guilt. Yes, this is worth breaking up over, because he needs to figure out what's going on. That's HIS job. BTW: what does going to "the doctor" mean? If he wants help with anxiety he needs to go to a therapist ... general therapist or a sex therapist ... or he needs to ask for some blue pills ... which you may or may not be comfortable with. Likely this relationship won't last just because his esteem won't allow it to last if he can't figure out this issue. It is NOT your job to be "understanding" here. It's hips job to get off his behind and figure out what the heck is going on. And as someone said, there might simply be some incompatibility with you ... which can randomly happen, even if he feels you are quite attractive. 3
central Posted August 6, 2020 Posted August 6, 2020 You know ED is the problem. He knows ED is a problem. No secret, so no need to be dishonest - you need a good sex life, and sadly he can't provide it reliably. Better he know so he can decide to pursue some fix for this, but you don't need to stick around waiting to see IF something will work. 1
Vitaminka Posted August 6, 2020 Posted August 6, 2020 Well, I suppose you can stick around for a while longer to see if his performance improves. Could be that he is nervous or that you need to get comfortable with each other in the bedroom first. But on the other hand, it's not like you are married to him (if you were, I would advise you to stay) or have kids with him or anything like that. You've only been dating for a couple of weeks. Possibly, from what you wrote, he had the same performance problem with his ex. If it were me, I would let him go gently since he is a nice guy otherwise.
Ruby Slippers Posted August 6, 2020 Posted August 6, 2020 It's not her place to tell him to take medication. This is his problem, it will impact any relationship he tries to have, and it's up to no one but him to seek out the solution. He could potentially deny and avoid solving the issue for many years.
Wiseman2 Posted August 6, 2020 Posted August 6, 2020 7 hours ago, enigma32 said: Something tells me this dude is lying about seeing a doctor. Agree. He seems to want sex, so it's his problem to get the appropriate physical and mental health solution. What he told you about a doctor told him "it's just stress" sounds like BS he made up. Something else seems to be going on. Drugs, closet alcohol abuse, or something that he doesn't want to admit to. 1
dangerous Posted August 6, 2020 Posted August 6, 2020 I'm guessing as its been a problem so far, there is extra pressure every time you now try together? This will just perpetuate the issue. In the past, I had ED due to nerves and history, but I was open with my new GF and she was patient and understanding (ie. no pressure, we just slept together, foreplay etc.) and within a few nights hey presto, great sex life followed Honesty can be the best policy. I 2
Phallacy Posted August 6, 2020 Posted August 6, 2020 The only time this has occurred to me is when I settled on a gal looks wise. And I only did that because she wanted to cohabit with me. It was nice to have some extra money but the Mary Poppins sex was not worth it in the end. Have you tried to perform oral on him?
introverted1 Posted August 6, 2020 Posted August 6, 2020 (edited) 17 hours ago, salparadise said: I don't know why nobody has suggested this... get the damn medication and see if it works! It's likely caused by performance anxiety, and must be compounding. Sal beat me to it. Even if the problem is in his head rather than his body, the medication can potentially give him the confidence he needs to clear the initial hurdle. You can then assess whether he needs it on an ongoing basis. if he does, a new doctor might be in order. That said, there are some things from your OP that confuse me. You say you haven't orgasmed... does this mean he doesn't use hands/mouth/toys to bring you off? Also, what happened the time it lasted 2 minutes - did he then lose his erection? Am I right in understanding that he can't get an erection from oral, either? Edited August 6, 2020 by introverted1
Ami1uwant Posted August 6, 2020 Posted August 6, 2020 21 hours ago, LibrarianLady89 said: He's 35. I know part of it has to be sexual incompatibility, but he assures me constantly that he's insanely attracted to me, and his problem has nothing to do with me. And I do believe him. But I just don't know where to go from here. It's such a bummer because everything else is great, but this is really putting a hitch into the relationship. It's so new, as you mentioned. When you are together making out fo you feel him hard? Ehrn it’s come to actual sex it fails? there are other factors work stress performance anxiety is he too much into hard core kink porn..think 50 shades..
Ami1uwant Posted August 6, 2020 Posted August 6, 2020 (edited) Have you traveled to him or is he always traveling to you? There could be some issue st your place. Your decorations could have something that is like his mother looking at him. could be...he likes you as s person but you aren’t attracted enough for him. Edited August 6, 2020 by Ami1uwant
Ruby Slippers Posted August 6, 2020 Posted August 6, 2020 (edited) 26 minutes ago, introverted1 said: Even if the problem is in his head rather than his body, the medication can potentially give him the confidence he needs to clear the initial hurdle. You can then assess whether he needs it on an ongoing basis. if he does, a new doctor might be in order. The first sentence is correct, but I reiterate: she is not his doctor, not his therapist, not his mommy, and it is NOT her place to prescribe remedies for HIS problem or assess what he needs. This would be a terrible precedent to set. You simply aren't going to get anywhere you want to be instructing a man on how to handle his own malfunctioning penis/sexuality. Boundaries, people. Why do so many people have no sense of normal, healthy BOUNDARIES? His penis, his problem to solve. Period. Edited August 6, 2020 by Ruby Slippers 3
introverted1 Posted August 6, 2020 Posted August 6, 2020 37 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said: The first sentence is correct, but I reiterate: she is not his doctor, not his therapist, not his mommy, and it is NOT her place to prescribe remedies for HIS problem or assess what he needs. This would be a terrible precedent to set. You simply aren't going to get anywhere you want to be instructing a man on how to handle his own malfunctioning penis/sexuality. Boundaries, people. Why do so many people have no sense of normal, healthy BOUNDARIES? His penis, his problem to solve. Period. He's 35, which is pretty young for physically-based ED, barring other, significant, health issues. If it's just a matter of a mindf*** on his part, then I don't see what is wrong with her suggesting he look into meds IF the other parts of the relationship are solid. Lots of guys are freaked out about ED and live in a cycle of denial where next time it will be magically better (especially if the problem is psychological). Giving him a nudge in the right direction doesn't equate to being his therapist or mommy, imo. I am actually more taken aback by why he isn't using other methods to satisfy her (and she him). This would be the real deal-breaker for me, more than the PIV sex issue (although I wouldn't love that, either).
Author LibrarianLady89 Posted August 6, 2020 Author Posted August 6, 2020 2 hours ago, JRabbit said: Does he get an erection in the morning? He does. 1
Author LibrarianLady89 Posted August 6, 2020 Author Posted August 6, 2020 2 hours ago, Phallacy said: The only time this has occurred to me is when I settled on a gal looks wise. And I only did that because she wanted to cohabit with me. It was nice to have some extra money but the Mary Poppins sex was not worth it in the end. Have you tried to perform oral on him? I have. It's hit or miss. Sometimes it gets him hard, and other times not at all.
Author LibrarianLady89 Posted August 6, 2020 Author Posted August 6, 2020 1 hour ago, introverted1 said: Sal beat me to it. Even if the problem is in his head rather than his body, the medication can potentially give him the confidence he needs to clear the initial hurdle. You can then assess whether he needs it on an ongoing basis. if he does, a new doctor might be in order. That said, there are some things from your OP that confuse me. You say you haven't orgasmed... does this mean he doesn't use hands/mouth/toys to bring you off? Also, what happened the time it lasted 2 minutes - did he then lose his erection? Am I right in understanding that he can't get an erection from oral, either? He attempts to use hands/mouth, but that kind of stimulation has never worked for me. Not with him, and not with other partners I've had before. He really does try, though, and quite often. And I say about two minutes, because after that he lost his erection. He can sometimes get one from oral, but not every time.
Author LibrarianLady89 Posted August 6, 2020 Author Posted August 6, 2020 1 hour ago, Ami1uwant said: When you are together making out fo you feel him hard? Ehrn it’s come to actual sex it fails? there are other factors work stress performance anxiety is he too much into hard core kink porn..think 50 shades.. He also said his doctor told him to stop masturbating, so maybe he was having some sort of porn addiction. Not sure. 1
Author LibrarianLady89 Posted August 6, 2020 Author Posted August 6, 2020 1 hour ago, Ami1uwant said: Have you traveled to him or is he always traveling to you? There could be some issue st your place. Your decorations could have something that is like his mother looking at him. could be...he likes you as s person but you aren’t attracted enough for him. It's been both. We alternate between my place and his, and I can't say it's been different at one place or the other. And I would be fine if that was the case, but he's reiterated to me over and over again how he doesn't want me to think it's me because it's not/he's insanely attracted to me/he wants me/etc etc. His actions and words do make me think it's not an issue of being attracted to me but who knows.
Author LibrarianLady89 Posted August 6, 2020 Author Posted August 6, 2020 1 hour ago, Ruby Slippers said: The first sentence is correct, but I reiterate: she is not his doctor, not his therapist, not his mommy, and it is NOT her place to prescribe remedies for HIS problem or assess what he needs. This would be a terrible precedent to set. You simply aren't going to get anywhere you want to be instructing a man on how to handle his own malfunctioning penis/sexuality. Boundaries, people. Why do so many people have no sense of normal, healthy BOUNDARIES? His penis, his problem to solve. Period. This is pretty much how I feel about it. We've only been seeing each other a few weeks, and are still getting to know each other. I feel like it's not really my place to suggest this. It's his body. He should make that choice on his own. 1
Author LibrarianLady89 Posted August 6, 2020 Author Posted August 6, 2020 31 minutes ago, introverted1 said: He's 35, which is pretty young for physically-based ED, barring other, significant, health issues. If it's just a matter of a mindf*** on his part, then I don't see what is wrong with her suggesting he look into meds IF the other parts of the relationship are solid. Lots of guys are freaked out about ED and live in a cycle of denial where next time it will be magically better (especially if the problem is psychological). Giving him a nudge in the right direction doesn't equate to being his therapist or mommy, imo. I am actually more taken aback by why he isn't using other methods to satisfy her (and she him). This would be the real deal-breaker for me, more than the PIV sex issue (although I wouldn't love that, either). He IS using other means. And quite often. But as I said, it just doesn't work for getting me there. It never has. It feels great, yes, but I need actual PIV to reach orgasm. It's always been that way, with all my partners.
Ruby Slippers Posted August 6, 2020 Posted August 6, 2020 40 minutes ago, introverted1 said: I don't see what is wrong with her suggesting he look into meds He already said he went to the doctor, who said it's "mental." Any decent doctor knows that taking an ED pill could very well help a guy get over performance anxiety and would have offered that as an option. So either he's lying about going to the doctor or he has a quack for a doctor. The OP can't do anything about either of these options. The guy is going to have to figure this out on his own if he wants a girlfriend with a sex drive.
Watercolors Posted August 6, 2020 Posted August 6, 2020 20 hours ago, LibrarianLady89 said: You're right. I need to, before things progress any further. Unfortunately, we are also a bit long-distance. He's three hours away (which plays into this as well, as it's hard to go a week without seeing someone and then not be able to have sex when we finally do). I'd say a phone conversation would be fine, but I also have some of his belongings and vice versa. Sacrifice your belongings for the peace of mind. Unless you left your diamond necklace, snow mobile, or car at his place, just leave your items behind. You can also always ask him to mail them to you (he can use that as an excuse to emotionally manipulate you and guilt-trip you). But, don't go get your things. Just end the relationship and forget about your "stuff."
smackie9 Posted August 6, 2020 Posted August 6, 2020 23 hours ago, LibrarianLady89 said: According to him, the doctor said he didn't need medication. That it was entirely psychologically based and he essentially needed to get out of his own head? Apparently this hasn't happened with anyone else he has dated, so I don't know what it is about me that triggered it. I think that's why I feel extra bad thinking about breaking up with him because it's not his fault that he has this issue. It's never happened before? They all say that. If it was THAT bad he would be seeing a psychologist. Sorry but I doubt he is being 100% truthful. For all you know he never went to the doctor, or he has a bad porn habit. In any case, time to move on it's only been two months. 4
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