New Relationship Bedroom Trouble

August 5, 2020

Really nervous about posting this.

I met a really wonderful man about two months ago. We talked for a few weeks on the app before meeting, and instantly clicked in person. We have a really similar sense of humor, so the banter is just completely on point and I love talking to him. However-- I have one hang up. I feel totally shallow even bringing it up.

The first time we tried to have sex, he couldn't get it up. I assumed it had to do with the fact we'd been drinking a little. Except it's happened literally every single time after that, alcohol involved or not. We've talked about it, and he even went to the doctor. The doctor said it was all mental. Mainly job related stress and nerves from being in a new relationship. No problems physically.

We did have sex the last time we were together. Kind of? It was like maybe two minutes. Neither of us finished, though he tried to get me off in other ways. He's very giving in that sense, but the problem is that I have a really hard time getting there through just the foreplay kind of stuff. It's nice, but I just can't reach my peak. And not for lack of trying. So at this point, it's been about two months. I've never orgasmed, neither has he and I'm feeling frustrated.

With the last guy I dated, the sex was incredible. Chemistry was through the roof. Before that, I was in a dead bedroom relationship for a few years. So I think I'm worried about ending up back there. I know it's not this guy's fault. He's trying, I'm trying. But my needs just aren't being met (I'm assuming his aren't either, though I've tried many times to reciprocate but difficult when he's always only at half mast) and I find the lack of sexual chemistry and passion to be really changing how I feel about him and the relationship in general. I find myself feeling somewhat irritated when he's all over me, or trying to sext, dirty talk, whatever...maybe because I know it's not really going to lead to anything satisfying.

Does this sound incredibly selfish and shallow? Has anyone else experienced anything similar, and what can be done about it? It's still such a new relationship...I feel like this should be the fun part, especially physically. I know sex isn't the most important thing in a relationship, but it's really important to me after having spent a while in a relationship where we never had it and there was no intimacy at all.

August 5, 2020

3 minutes ago, LibrarianLady89 said:

The first time we tried to have sex, he couldn't get it up. I assumed it had to do with the fact we'd been drinking a little. Except it's happened literally every single time after that, alcohol involved or not. We've talked about it, and he even went to the doctor. my needs just aren't being met

Sorry to hear this. How old is he? It's only been 8 weeks and this is a major sexual incompatibility. Don't pity-date. It will just breed resentment in the long run.

August 5, 2020

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry to hear this. How old is he? It's only been 8 weeks and this is a major sexual incompatibility. Don't pity-date. It will just breed resentment in the long run.

He's 35.

I know part of it has to be sexual incompatibility, but he assures me constantly that he's insanely attracted to me, and his problem has nothing to do with me. And I do believe him. But I just don't know where to go from here. It's such a bummer because everything else is great, but this is really putting a hitch into the relationship. It's so new, as you mentioned.

August 5, 2020

38 minutes ago, LibrarianLady89 said:

Does this sound incredibly selfish and shallow? Has anyone else experienced anything similar, and what can be done about it? It's still such a new relationship...I feel like this should be the fun part, especially physically. I know sex isn't the most important thing in a relationship, but it's really important to me after having spent a while in a relationship where we never had it and there was no intimacy at all.

No, it's not!! Sex is a very important part of a relationship and it is not shallow or selfish to place importance on sexual compatibility. It's completely, 100% valid. And sexual compatibility is absolutely a valid reason to break up with someone, and it doesn't make a person shallow at all. If your needs aren't being met in the relationship, you are absolutely within your rights to end the relationship for any reason.

I don't know if I would define your problem as "sexual incompatibility" though. He has a medical condition called erectile dysfunction. I'm wondering if he has considered medication? Did that come up on his doctor visit?

August 5, 2020

10 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

No, it's not!! Sex is a very important part of a relationship and it is not shallow or selfish to place importance on sexual compatibility. It's completely, 100% valid. And sexual compatibility is absolutely a valid reason to break up with someone, and it doesn't make a person shallow at all. If your needs aren't being met in the relationship, you are absolutely within your rights to end the relationship for any reason.

I don't know if I would define your problem as "sexual incompatibility" though. He has a medical condition called erectile dysfunction. I'm wondering if he has considered medication? Did that come up on his doctor visit?

According to him, the doctor said he didn't need medication. That it was entirely psychologically based and he essentially needed to get out of his own head? Apparently this hasn't happened with anyone else he has dated, so I don't know what it is about me that triggered it. I think that's why I feel extra bad thinking about breaking up with him because it's not his fault that he has this issue.

August 5, 2020

15 minutes ago, LibrarianLady89 said:

Apparently this hasn't happened with anyone else he has dated

That seems doubtful. Especially if he claims he's already been to a doctor about it. It's also doubtful that he's had a physical and psychological workup for it.

However, the most important thing is that pitying him or getting too involved in his medical/psychological issues this early on is not a good direction to head in.

It's happened every time so something is going on, could be drugs (opioids, antidepressants, etc), other issues, things he doesn't want to admit to etc. It just doesn't add up that "it never happened before", yet he claims he's talked to his doctors before about it. At any rate it's not going to work out. Best to bow out gracefully and simply say you're not compatible or whatever.

Edited August 5, 2020 by Wiseman2

August 5, 2020

1 hour ago, LibrarianLady89 said:

With the last guy I dated, the sex was incredible. Chemistry was through the roof. Before that, I was in a dead bedroom relationship for a few years. So I think I'm worried about ending up back there.

Did you tell him that or does he know?

August 5, 2020

7 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

That seems doubtful. Especially if he claims he's already been to a doctor about it. It's also doubtful that he's had a physical and psychological workup for it.

However, the most important thing is that pitying him or getting too involved in his medical/psychological issues this early on is not a good direction to head in.

It's happened every time so something is going on, could be drugs (opioids, antidepressants, etc), other issues, things he doesn't want to admit to etc. It just doesn't add up that "it never happened before", yet he claims he's talked to his doctors before about it. At any rate it's not going to work out. Best to bow out gracefully and simply say you're not compatible or whatever.

He went to the doctor really recently, last week. After we had talked about what he should do about it, he made the appointment. Whether or not it really hasn't happened before, I don't know. But I have no reason not to believe this is the first time he's seen a doctor about it. Regardless, there is definitely something else going on. I know ED is sometimes brought on by stress, and he's been in limbo with his job for almost a month know which has been very hard for him. So could be that? Although, this wouldn't explain the first few weeks we met when he had no idea his job would be at stake.

But I do wonder whether or not it would be best to bow it. It really is a bummer he is wonderful and had high hopes about how this was going. I could wait around to see if it gets better or improves over time, but there is a part of me that just wants to be with someone where this part is easy. I don't know whether that's right or wrong.

August 5, 2020

4 minutes ago, schlumpy said:

Did you tell him that or does he know?

He does know. I told him pretty early on that my ex and I had a dead bedroom, and didn't have sex for like the entire last two years of our relationship.

Thinking back on that conversation, I do remember him saying he and his ex also had a dead bedroom. But he made it sound like it was more of a problem of never seeing each other/being on different schedules. And that she really only showed interest in him when she was drunk during the last few months.

So now I'm wondering if this was an issue for them too. Huh.

August 5, 2020

1 hour ago, LibrarianLady89 said:

According to him, the doctor said he didn't need medication. That it was entirely psychologically based and he essentially needed to get out of his own head? Apparently this hasn't happened with anyone else he has dated, so I don't know what it is about me that triggered it. I think that's why I feel extra bad thinking about breaking up with him because it's not his fault that he has this issue.

The doctor said he doesn't need it? I am by no means a pro-medication person, but this doesn't sound right to me. No one "needs" it, like they won't die if they don't treat their erectile dysfunction.... but I think he should get a second opinion.

And just because this hasn't happened with any of his previous partners...... Ok, so? There is a first time for everything. You could also say that he was younger then. Maybe he's just now reaching the age where erectile dysfunction is going to become an issue in his life.

You can break up with someone for something that isn't their fault. You can break up with someone because your needs are not being met in the relationship. It doesn't necessarily have to be the other person doing something wrong on purpose.

August 5, 2020

1 hour ago, LibrarianLady89 said:

I do remember him saying he and his ex also had a dead bedroom. But he made it sound like it was more of a problem of never seeing each other/being on different schedules.

So now I'm wondering if this was an issue for them too. Huh.

Agree. It's doubtful this is a unique thing, just with you. Somehow his story doesn't add up. However if you are not ready to pull the plug, the real reason may come out. The risk is that you get in too deep or emotionally attached. 35 is on the young side for this, but it could still be more than 'work stress" which came after the ED.

August 5, 2020

For most people, the only person you have sex with is your romantic partner, so you're not shallow for correctly identifying that this is a major problem. I don't have a lot of experience with ED, but in my limited experience, I've seen that ED is a deep-rooted issue that tends not to be easy to remedy.

You can't solve this for him. All you can do is be supportive. I wouldn't be in a new romantic relationship without great sex. It would be one thing if we'd been together for years and he began having age-related issues. But I wouldn't continue a new relationship in these circumstances.

August 5, 2020

1 minute ago, Ruby Slippers said:

It would be one thing if we'd been together for years and he began having age-related issues. But I wouldn't continue a new relationship in these circumstances.

Agree, this is an important point at any age. If you were together for years and he started having issues, it would be shallow to leave. But starting out of the gate with a major disconnect like this? No, not after 8 weeks dating.

August 5, 2020

Sex is probably always going to be an issue for this guy. Do you really want a relationship like that?

August 5, 2020

Does this sound shallow?

I don't believe so; especially is a sex obsessed world.

I've slept with over 500 high end escorts in the matter of about 6 years after I got out my first ever LTR. I just knew relationships weren't for me when that experience ended.

Most of the escorts I have seen are usually dancers, strippers, whatever you'd like to call them. Heroin seems to be very popular amongst dancers. Some are able to conceal their use very well, but if I find that they use I typically won't see them anymore.

Does it make me shallow I have preferences for the women I choose to see for sex?

Absolutely not.

I'd just rather the girls I see be clean off drugs; at least in my presence.

We all have preferences, and things we find important.

Sex seems to be yours.

August 5, 2020

3 hours ago, LibrarianLady89 said:

Does this sound incredibly selfish and shallow? Has anyone else experienced anything similar, and what can be done about it? It's still such a new relationship...I feel like this should be the fun part, especially physically. I know sex isn't the most important thing in a relationship, but it's really important to me after having spent a while in a relationship where we never had it and there was no intimacy at all.

Do you ever watch Sex and the City? The character Charlotte married a character named Trey. Trey, however, had serious ED throughout their short-lived marriage and the only time he could get an erection was after Charlotte separated from Trey.

Since the relationship is still new, as others have suggested, now is the time for you to end things with this guy. If you stay, you will be inheriting whatever is causing his sexual dysfunction, as your own problem. You need to ask yourself if this is someone you are willing to invest in long-term, for another "dead bedroom" possible scenario.

You have no idea what is really causing his ED; drugs/alcohol addiction, sex addiction, stress, the pandemic...who knows. If this is a deal breaker for you, then break the deal and dump him.

August 5, 2020

44 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

For most people, the only person you have sex with is your romantic partner, so you're not shallow for correctly identifying that this is a major problem. I don't have a lot of experience with ED, but in my limited experience, I've seen that ED is a deep-rooted issue that tends not to be easy to remedy.

You can't solve this for him. All you can do is be supportive. I wouldn't be in a new romantic relationship without great sex. It would be one thing if we'd been together for years and he began having age-related issues. But I wouldn't continue a new relationship in these circumstances.

This was my thought. If we'd been together for years, then absolutely I would stick around. It wouldn't even be a thought. But this is so new, and has been an issue from the first time we attempted to sleep together. I really am just struggling with how to end things without pinpointing to this as an exact issue. Although maybe it doesn't matter?

I suppose I could just say that I'm not really feeling we're compatible.

August 5, 2020

39 minutes ago, Erik30 said:

Sex is probably always going to be an issue for this guy. Do you really want a relationship like that?

I do not, you're absolutely right.

August 5, 2020

16 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

Do you ever watch Sex and the City? The character Charlotte married a character named Trey. Trey, however, had serious ED throughout their short-lived marriage and the only time he could get an erection was after Charlotte separated from Trey.

Since the relationship is still new, as others have suggested, now is the time for you to end things with this guy. If you stay, you will be inheriting whatever is causing his sexual dysfunction, as your own problem. You need to ask yourself if this is someone you are willing to invest in long-term, for another "dead bedroom" possible scenario.

You have no idea what is really causing his ED; drugs/alcohol addiction, sex addiction, stress, the pandemic...who knows. If this is a deal breaker for you, then break the deal and dump him.

You're right.

I need to, before things progress any further. Unfortunately, we are also a bit long-distance. He's three hours away (which plays into this as well, as it's hard to go a week without seeing someone and then not be able to have sex when we finally do). I'd say a phone conversation would be fine, but I also have some of his belongings and vice versa.

August 5, 2020

I had a girl break up with me last year partly because I was having ED. I think I was having it due to stress about a rocky patch in my profession and also knowing she had been frustrated with my performance in bed. The two factors combined snowballed and just really wasn't able to maintain a erection around her that could satisfy her. However, I had absolutely no trouble maintaining one Saturday night or even since last year. Just sayin'.

Edited August 5, 2020 by ccas93

August 5, 2020

I don't know why nobody has suggested this... get the damn medication and see if it works! It's likely caused by performance anxiety, and must be compounding. The more you care, the worse the anxiety. That doctor should be castrated for sending him away with nothing but a pronouncement that it's all in his head. Well so what? Viagra can overcome all in your head. And if that works then maybe it would no longer be in his head. Just get the med. Why is that so far fetched?

Of course it seems like the shine if off the apple at this point, and with all loving, caring advice you've been convinced to dump him. If you do, don't bother making up a bulls*t excuse.

August 5, 2020

8 minutes ago, salparadise said:

I don't know why nobody has suggested this... get the damn medication and see if it works! It's likely caused by performance anxiety, and must be compounding. The more you care, the worse the anxiety. That doctor should be castrated for sending him away with nothing but a pronouncement that it's all in his head. Well so what? Viagra can overcome all in your head. And if that works then maybe it would no longer be in his head. Just get the med. Why is that so far fetched?

Of course it seems like the shine if off the apple at this point, and with all loving, caring advice you've been convinced to dump him. If you do, don't bother making up a bulls*t excuse.

Medication could be an option, sure. If that's something he's interested in.

However, I think the point everyone else made is valid. This is a new relationship, barely 8 weeks in, and sex is already an issue. I suppose it is a little selfish but I don't know if I want that when I could be with someone where it's not a problem. If we'd been together years, or even months and this happened, I'd have a different train of thought. But this is a new relationship, and after coming from one where sex was an issue also, I don't know if I want to start that back up again.

August 5, 2020

Don't play doctor. Never give someone medication. ED meds have side effects. He claims he went to a doctor, if he wants a second opinion he's a grown man, he'll get one.

August 5, 2020

Could be just a time thing , sometimes we need time to relax and feel comfortable and natural with someone . Or , more serious , as a couple anyway , maybe he just isn't feeling you or wanting this in a sexual way . Just because you get along well that doesn't mean all the desires are there for everything else.

August 5, 2020

39 minutes ago, salparadise said:

get the damn medication and see if it works!

That's not really her call though - he needs to take the initiative and find a doctor who will write the prescription. If he doesn't want to, that's of course completely within his right. But she isn't under any obligation to hang around and see if it will get better after only knowing him for 8 weeks, even if that's what he wants to do. Waiting around and getting more attached will only make it worse when they break up later.

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