shalina1789 Posted August 5, 2020 Posted August 5, 2020 So I've known this guy for about 7/8 years, we've been good friends and all. I get along with him really well, we have a lot in common- not just on the surface but in common as in morals, our families are quite similar and just our backgrounds are quite synced. And he has been there for me a lot, especially when I didnt really have anyone to turn to. Recently I've been thinking about him, and I've never really had many thoughts like this about him, but I was just thinking how he is someone I'd want to be with in the long run. The complicated part of my emotions here, is purely the fact that he's been in a relationship for 2 years. However, he has always told me of the disrespect her family shows him because of his religious views mainly. They havent accepted him and it's like its set in stone that they wont accept him. On top of that, he feels like the relationship is slipping through the cracks. I have always tried to help him through whatever he tells me as a friend, I've always offered him advice and a lot of the time it has helped him move forward in his relationship. The issues they have apart from the big family dilemma were issues, in my eyes, that can be easily solved, and I've always rooted for him and his girl to do well together. And I still do, I know my feelings are just subjective and they don't really matter. I can't do much and I dont want to either but I cant help but feel a little something for him. One day, he was telling me about an argument they had and he was really down in the dumps and really depressed over things- he is basically a well known music producer but she doesn't support his work and a lot of the time criticises him for it or complains that its not what she asked him to do.. so as you can imagine this would have hurt him. And then he said "if this doesnt work out, I'm calling dibs on you" as a joke, and I just laughed it off but I was like thinking omg you cannot say that. But it did make me feel some sort of way. before I get any backlash as "that girl", I have to reiterate that I've known this guy for about 7/8 years. I have talked him out of suicide at one point, where (and for him this is something that broke him down to this point) he cried on the phone to me saying he doesnt want to be here anymore. I talked to him all night that night, and I had my Law exam in the morning. But I was there for him. We have always been close, of course we drifted a bit when I got into a relationship. I was abused in that relationship, and he was there for me after despite not talking to him for those 2 years. And, I must also say this before anyone comes for me as, again, "that girl"- his girlfriend and me actually speak at times, and she would tell me some problems in their relationship too and ask me for my opinion. I usually hear both sides of the story, without wanting to know? I've even been on a facetime call with them two and they had an argument right in front of me- I felt a bit awkward, but he messaged me privately saying he'll call me after and he did and told me what he was feeling and stuff. She then messaged me the following day saying "i thought about the advice you gave me last night and I agree" when I was trying to cool things down between them. And I completely respect the girl code that you shouldnt go for your friends man. I understand that, I really do. And because of that I feel so guilty and I've been trying to shake off these feelings i've developed for him. He's just always been so kind to me, and no one ever has done that. Is this even a normal thing to feel? Because I just feel I'm not doing a good thing.
ShyViolet Posted August 5, 2020 Posted August 5, 2020 This is an unhealthy entanglement. First of all, you shouldn't get in the middle of their relationship like that. It's just weird and lacking in boundaries. Talking to both of them about their issues with the relationship, being on a FaceTime call with both of them when they're having a relationship disagreement, it's all a bit much. You are not their therapist. As far as your feelings for him, I think you're setting yourself up to get hurt. If he wanted to be with you, he'd be with you. Not only are you pining over a guy who's not available, but you are also friends with the girlfriend. You're asking for drama by getting involved in this situation. Find yourself a guy who is actually available. 2
ExpatInItaly Posted August 5, 2020 Posted August 5, 2020 4 hours ago, shalina1789 said: And then he said "if this doesnt work out, I'm calling dibs on you" as a joke, and I just laughed it off but I was like thinking omg you cannot say that. But it did make me feel some sort of way. That's quite the backhanded compliment. He's telling you that you are his fall-back option. I don't think you're wrong to be attracted to him. It happens. However, I don't think he really feels the same way. For whatever shortcomings their relationship has, he still wants to be with her and isn't doing anything to make something happen with you. My concern is that if they break-up, he will seek you out - but not for something serious. You two are obviously friends, so it would be natural to turn to you and seek comfort in you, but I have a feeling he would bounce again as soon as he felt better. I personally think you would be wise to put some distance here. You are a bit too involved in their relationship and it's clouding your emotions. Step back. Don't mediate between them. Spend more time with other friends. I think you are at risk of getting hurt if he decides to pull back from you at some point, so it would be a good idea to keep some space between yourself and him.
Wiseman2 Posted August 5, 2020 Posted August 5, 2020 Do you have a Bf? You need to step out of thier relationship. He is still with her, so let them resolve thier own issues. Playing the part of a self-appointed couples therapist when in fact you want him is insincere. Step away from their personal business and put your energy into finding a single guy of your own.
Mystery4u Posted August 5, 2020 Posted August 5, 2020 You are way too involved in their life. Start living your own life.
kendahke Posted August 5, 2020 Posted August 5, 2020 (edited) 12 hours ago, shalina1789 said: he's been in a relationship for 2 years. Then he's off limits. What would you want us to tell the woman writing in about wanting your man just because you own your own mind despite your family's grumblings about it and go your own way as far as your romantic relationships are concerned? Edited August 5, 2020 by kendahke
smackie9 Posted August 5, 2020 Posted August 5, 2020 I'll go against the grain here....just come out with it and tell him how you feel. I know you want to.But then say you need to back off and can't be involved in his relationship issues anymore....it's unhealthy, and doesn't feel right. That may possibly move things along. 1
SincereOnlineGuy Posted August 6, 2020 Posted August 6, 2020 22 hours ago, shalina1789 said: So I've known this guy for about 7/8 years, we've been good friends and all. I get along with him really well, we have a lot in common- not just on the surface but in common as in morals, our families are quite similar and just our backgrounds are quite synced. And he has been there for me a lot, especially when I didnt really have anyone to turn to. Recently I've been thinking about him, and I've never really had many thoughts like this about him, but I was just thinking how he is someone I'd want to be with in the long run. The complicated part of my emotions here, is purely the fact that he's been in a relationship for 2 years. However, he has always told me of the disrespect her family shows him because of his religious views mainly. They havent accepted him and it's like its set in stone that they wont accept him. On top of that, he feels like the relationship is slipping through the cracks. I have always tried to help him through whatever he tells me as a friend, I've always offered him advice and a lot of the time it has helped him move forward in his relationship. The issues they have apart from the big family dilemma were issues, in my eyes, that can be easily solved, and I've always rooted for him and his girl to do well together. And I still do, I know my feelings are just subjective and they don't really matter. I can't do much and I dont want to either but I cant help but feel a little something for him. One day, he was telling me about an argument they had and he was really down in the dumps and really depressed over things- he is basically a well known music producer but she doesn't support his work and a lot of the time criticises him for it or complains that its not what she asked him to do.. so as you can imagine this would have hurt him. And then he said "if this doesnt work out, I'm calling dibs on you" as a joke, and I just laughed it off but I was like thinking omg you cannot say that. But it did make me feel some sort of way. before I get any backlash as "that girl", I have to reiterate that I've known this guy for about 7/8 years. I have talked him out of suicide at one point, where (and for him this is something that broke him down to this point) he cried on the phone to me saying he doesnt want to be here anymore. I talked to him all night that night, and I had my Law exam in the morning. But I was there for him. We have always been close, of course we drifted a bit when I got into a relationship. I was abused in that relationship, and he was there for me after despite not talking to him for those 2 years. And, I must also say this before anyone comes for me as, again, "that girl"- his girlfriend and me actually speak at times, and she would tell me some problems in their relationship too and ask me for my opinion. I usually hear both sides of the story, without wanting to know? I've even been on a facetime call with them two and they had an argument right in front of me- I felt a bit awkward, but he messaged me privately saying he'll call me after and he did and told me what he was feeling and stuff. She then messaged me the following day saying "i thought about the advice you gave me last night and I agree" when I was trying to cool things down between them. And I completely respect the girl code that you shouldnt go for your friends man. I understand that, I really do. And because of that I feel so guilty and I've been trying to shake off these feelings i've developed for him. He's just always been so kind to me, and no one ever has done that. Is this even a normal thing to feel? Because I just feel I'm not doing a good thing. If you have any restraint in you at all... you refrain from diving-in / forcing-the-issue at all now... lest you become branded as that sort of a person. JUST WAIT... and nab him when they break up. Most everything you say strongly suggests that they will break-up. If you get a better offer in the mean time, then take it and never look back. 1
Fox Sake Posted August 6, 2020 Posted August 6, 2020 (edited) On 8/5/2020 at 3:13 AM, shalina1789 said: So I've known this guy for about 7/8 years, we've been good friends and all. I get along with him really well, we have a lot in common- not just on the surface but in common as in morals, our families are quite similar and just our backgrounds are quite synced. And he has been there for me a lot, especially when I didnt really have anyone to turn to. Recently I've been thinking about him, and I've never really had many thoughts like this about him, but I was just thinking how he is someone I'd want to be with in the long run. The complicated part of my emotions here, is purely the fact that he's been in a relationship for 2 years. However, he has always told me of the disrespect her family shows him because of his religious views mainly. They havent accepted him and it's like its set in stone that they wont accept him. On top of that, he feels like the relationship is slipping through the cracks. I have always tried to help him through whatever he tells me as a friend, I've always offered him advice and a lot of the time it has helped him move forward in his relationship. The issues they have apart from the big family dilemma were issues, in my eyes, that can be easily solved, and I've always rooted for him and his girl to do well together. And I still do, I know my feelings are just subjective and they don't really matter. I can't do much and I dont want to either but I cant help but feel a little something for him. One day, he was telling me about an argument they had and he was really down in the dumps and really depressed over things- he is basically a well known music producer but she doesn't support his work and a lot of the time criticises him for it or complains that its not what she asked him to do.. so as you can imagine this would have hurt him. And then he said "if this doesnt work out, I'm calling dibs on you" as a joke, and I just laughed it off but I was like thinking omg you cannot say that. But it did make me feel some sort of way. before I get any backlash as "that girl", I have to reiterate that I've known this guy for about 7/8 years. I have talked him out of suicide at one point, where (and for him this is something that broke him down to this point) he cried on the phone to me saying he doesnt want to be here anymore. I talked to him all night that night, and I had my Law exam in the morning. But I was there for him. We have always been close, of course we drifted a bit when I got into a relationship. I was abused in that relationship, and he was there for me after despite not talking to him for those 2 years. And, I must also say this before anyone comes for me as, again, "that girl"- his girlfriend and me actually speak at times, and she would tell me some problems in their relationship too and ask me for my opinion. I usually hear both sides of the story, without wanting to know? I've even been on a facetime call with them two and they had an argument right in front of me- I felt a bit awkward, but he messaged me privately saying he'll call me after and he did and told me what he was feeling and stuff. She then messaged me the following day saying "i thought about the advice you gave me last night and I agree" when I was trying to cool things down between them. And I completely respect the girl code that you shouldnt go for your friends man. I understand that, I really do. And because of that I feel so guilty and I've been trying to shake off these feelings i've developed for him. He's just always been so kind to me, and no one ever has done that. Is this even a normal thing to feel? Because I just feel I'm not doing a good thing. Oh boy.... been here twice in my life before I finally learned not to bite. so this guy maybe does like you back, but he can NOT jump from one relationship to another without a reasonable amount of time alone to process the past feelings and relationship. Otherwise you will just end up hurt. I don’t see any harm in discussing this with him either. It shows respect and emotional maturity for both of you If you really like him, continue to be his friend and once he has decided to break up with his current gf (sounds like it’s just a matter of time) then after a good 6 months at least, you can start to make steps forward if you still like him and the feeling is mutual. Don’t throw away an 8 year friendship. You’ve managed this far, so just continue to do the right thing - you know what it is Edited August 6, 2020 by Fox Sake
GeorgiaPeach1 Posted August 6, 2020 Posted August 6, 2020 You ARE "that girl" obviously. You're pretending to be a friend to them both, while secretly waiting for the chance to take her place. 1
d0nnivain Posted August 6, 2020 Posted August 6, 2020 You need to back off from your friendship with both of them. If he becomes single in the future, you can tell him you like him. Unless he's single you have to keep quiet. If you speak up while he's in a relationship you are a homewrecker. Be careful not to be his rebound either. 1
Snow_Queen Posted August 6, 2020 Posted August 6, 2020 Given they’re not married yet, he’s in the position where if he really wanted to be with someone else, there’s nothing preventing that. However, I get the feeling he may be testing the waters to line someone up in the event things don’t work out. You don’t want to be that person. You want to be the one someone chooses and not just “filling a position”. I don’t advise saying anything at all. It not only shows you have no restraint, it demonstrates your willingness to insert a complicated problem in their relationship. Backing off and fading into the background is recommended until this blows over.
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