Is it too soon to ask?

[EAM19]

I've been on 2 dates now with this guy but we have been talking every day for 5 months, and known each other a lot longer. Hes said he likes me and wants to see me again but we're both busy this week and can't see each other then.
I'm starting to feel anxious and a bit fearful about where things are heading, in terms of not knowing where he is at and not wanting to ask what is going on. His messages have been a bit  different, eg. Taking longer to reply, but he is seeing his dad who he hasn't seen since Christmas.

Is it too soon to have this kind of conversation? I'm not really the 'chill' type of person about things like this or plans, I want to just know what is going on so I know whether to invest in it. But I'm worried I'll come across as too intense.

This si the first guy I've seriously liked since a bad breakup last year and I just don't want to go any further without knowing what's going on

[elaine567]

7 minutes ago, EAM19 said:

we're both busy this week and can't see each other then.

What are you both actually "busy" with?
Does dating a guy you are interested in, not take priority?
Why date if you have little or no free time in a whole week?

[Wiseman2]

9 minutes ago, EAM19 said:

I've been on 2 dates now with this guy but we have been talking every day for 5 months, and known each other a lot longer. 

How do you know each other? Is it long distance or covid that you were only talking for so long?

2 dates is too soon to forecast the future. If you are still reeling from a bad breakup, pace yourself and do not get over invested 

[alphamale]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

How do you know each other? Is it long distance or covid that you were only talking for so long?

2 dates is too soon to forecast the future. If you are still reeling from a bad breakup, pace yourself and do not get over invested 

^^this

[Fox Sake]

If you have been talking every single day for the last 5 months , surely by now you must feel you can speak about almost anything? Why not just be open and honest about how you feel? 

Or , you could just continue to bottle it up to protect yourself from feeling like you’ve invested too much 

 

2 dates is too soon to forecast anything , but 5 months talking every day should give you every reason to be able to talk about how you feel. 

[d0nnivain]

I agree clarification is needed around why only 2 dates in 5 months. 

If you insist on having this conversation you need to have it in person.  At the very least over video.  If you attempt this over text it is doomed.  

[Versacehottie]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

2 dates is too soon to forecast the future. If you are still reeling from a bad breakup, pace yourself and do not get over invested 

Agreed!

That you are anxiety prone & have suffered a bad breakup is a bad reason to speed up "a need to know" when it's unreasonable in the time frame.  Both of these are two things that are about you and your low comfort level with things, not a good reason to artificially speed things up just to calm your mind.  You can hear the anxiety in your post.

But if you want to risk torpedoing what could be a good thing, go right ahead

[smackie9]

Chatting/texting is not dating. So that being said, you been on two dates. You need to give it more than two dates to know what direction things are going.

[Ruby Slippers]

When the guy is into you, he makes it clear.

If you're anxious by nature, you need to deal with that on your own. 

I wouldn't initiate "the talk." If he sees a future with you, he'll bring it up. If not, then you know.

[Versacehottie]

1 hour ago, Ruby Slippers said:

When the guy is into you, he makes it clear.

If you're anxious by nature, you need to deal with that on your own. 

I wouldn't initiate "the talk." If he sees a future with you, he'll bring it up. If not, then you know.

Bolded 100%

[ShyViolet]

It's way too intense to initiate the "where is this going" conversation after two dates.  That's a good way to scare him off.  

[Blind-Sided]

9 hours ago, elaine567 said:

What are you both actually "busy" with?
Does dating a guy you are interested in, not take priority?
Why date if you have little or no free time in a whole week?

Yep... This !! You will lose him eventually.  If there is too much time, and not enough "Yes" to make him think he is a priority.   

In my own life... recently, there was a girl I was interested in, and went on several dates with... but eventually, I asked her out a few weekends in a row... and she kept saying she was busy, or didn't feel like going out.  So, I took it as a hint that she wasn't really interested in me. (I figured I had put myself in the friend zone)  But just the other day, a common friend said to me that this girl would really like to see me again, and didn't know why I hadn't asked her out. (Corona is relaxing here)   I told my friend why I thought she wasn't interested anymore... and that I am (now) in a relationship.

Anyway... if you like the guy... you need to make spending time with him a priority, otherwise he will think it's not really going anywhere. 

With that said... after 2 dates... you don't have the right to ask him where he is going, and what he is up to. If you try... you will scare him away.

Edited August 4, 2020 by Blind-Sided

[EAM19]

7 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

I agree clarification is needed around why only 2 dates in 5 months. 

If you insist on having this conversation you need to have it in person.  At the very least over video.  If you attempt this over text it is doomed.  

It's only been 2 dates because of lockdown from Covid. We did see each other before lockdown, bit we're at different unis so it was only a night really and I didn't have feelings then 

[EAM19]

5 hours ago, Ruby Slippers said:

When the guy is into you, he makes it clear.

If you're anxious by nature, you need to deal with that on your own. 

I wouldn't initiate "the talk." If he sees a future with you, he'll bring it up. If not, then you know.

See, about 2 months ago we had a similar chat where we said we wer evith interested in seeing where things are going and he wasn't interested in anyone else. He has said he likes me and wants to see me again which is why I can't tell if my doubt are coming from gut instinct or just fear 

[EAM19]

10 hours ago, elaine567 said:

What are you both actually "busy" with?
Does dating a guy you are interested in, not take priority?
Why date if you have little or no free time in a whole week?

Honestly, dating someone does not take priority in my life. My workplace has been incredibly busy this week and continues to be, and I have prior commitments. He is seeing gia Dad who he has seen since Christmas just to Covid. We're both young and it would be easy if I could just invite him round to my house or vice versa but when we both live at home due to having had to leave Uni for lockdown, it's more difficult to plan time together. It's just this week where we both are busy and can't see each other, it happens in life

[EAM19]

9 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

How do you know each other? Is it long distance or covid that you were only talking for so long?

2 dates is too soon to forecast the future. If you are still reeling from a bad breakup, pace yourself and do not get over invested 

We've actually known each other for about 2 years now. We liked each other a bit then and messaged occasionally and saw each other on nights out. He started messaging me again after we'd been on nights out at Christmas and seen each other then. But we only really became interested about 5 months ago and were talking everyday.

I'm not necessarily dealing from a bad breakup, I just am a bit scares as this had been the first guy I've been really interested in since. There have been other guys but none I liked like this

[EAM19]

6 hours ago, Versacehottie said:

Agreed!

That you are anxiety prone & have suffered a bad breakup is a bad reason to speed up "a need to know" when it's unreasonable in the time frame.  Both of these are two things that are about you and your low comfort level with things, not a good reason to artificially speed things up just to calm your mind.  You can hear the anxiety in your post.

But if you want to risk torpedoing what could be a good thing, go right ahead

Thank you! That's exactly how I feel. I almost don't want to say anything because I know it's my own anxieties that need dealing with. I do get anxiously attached in some situations, especially when friendships and relationships are just beginning and I've been in therapy to work on it.

I'm just worried that if I sit with this discomfort for too long it just makes me feel worse and it could be worse for me in the long run.

Trying to tow the line of just being quiet and not saying anything at risk of giving a bad impression, but also knowing that it would help me and my comfort by just having a conversation and being honest and brave in doing so.

My reasons for not saying anything is because I'm worried about coming across as too intense or crazy, which I have worried about in the past and ens up in a worse state for not saying anything 

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, EAM19 said:

We've actually known each other for about 2 years now. We liked each other a bit then and messaged occasionally and saw each other on nights out. He started messaging me again after we'd been on nights out at Christmas and seen each other then. But we only really became interested about 5 months ago and were talking everyday.

I'm not necessarily dealing from a bad breakup, I just am a bit scares as this had been the first guy I've been really interested in since. There have been other guys but none I liked like this

ok take it slowly and see how it goes. Stay busy with school, work family,, friends and if you can eventually meet up see what happens.

[Versacehottie]

1 hour ago, EAM19 said:

Thank you! That's exactly how I feel. I almost don't want to say anything because I know it's my own anxieties that need dealing with. I do get anxiously attached in some situations, especially when friendships and relationships are just beginning and I've been in therapy to work on it.

I'm just worried that if I sit with this discomfort for too long it just makes me feel worse and it could be worse for me in the long run.

Trying to tow the line of just being quiet and not saying anything at risk of giving a bad impression, but also knowing that it would help me and my comfort by just having a conversation and being honest and brave in doing so.

My reasons for not saying anything is because I'm worried about coming across as too intense or crazy, which I have worried about in the past and ens up in a worse state for not saying anything 

You're  welcome, thanks for saying that  

I think you just have to look at day by day; or even smaller portions like hour by hour which should help.  Make your decisions and confine your thinking in a way to those manageable time blocks.  Part of what usually makes people anxious is worrying that you can't control everything.  You can't.  If you break it up into smaller pieces and live in the now, you should be able to ENJOY the relationship more; determine if it's right for YOU and manage your expectations better.

Then about those expectations, just to counter what you said that your anxious part of your mind needs to know "what's going to happen with him" and if he's a little more distant right now and there's some reason "about you" that has to do with why.  In a way, if the worst would happen, ie he's no longer interested, ask yourself is that really the worst?  If he doesn't feel you are right for him, how could he be right for you?  Seriously.  You have to know you have equal worth and value and know you will be fine either way--also we are talking about 2 dates, it's a fragile period and very arbitrary at the beginning for lots of reasons, a lot of which you can't do any better than just being who you are.  plus you don't want that anxiety to creep into your interactions with him.  I wouldn't say stuff it down but try to calm it and manage it.  Be reasonable and rational.  Don't try to jump all the way to the end. Realistically you shouldn't even know yourself if you find him suitable to be in your life as a boyfriend or more serious.  So just let it unfold.

I don't think you should say anything.  A funny thing about anxious people is they often are very self-centered in a way.  It's almost like serving the master that is anxiety--like an anxious person will justify all sorts of crazy, emotional behavior, weirdness, defensives etc.  And then ruin a good thing and exactly the fears they worry about come true--but NOT for the reasons they worry about but exactly for the ONE thing they can control: themselves.

I don't think you need to worry about giving a bad impression. He's been talking to you for 6 months. Covid is in the way of a lot of things for lots of people: do you think it's possible or plausible that maybe his distance has to do with the uncertainty of life/finances/future due to the pandemic.  If you think about the last few days what has changed besides you?  I can name one right off the bat that might apply to him and I don't even know him but it's highly plausible: the $600 is expiring (oh if you live in US)  If he falls into that group that would highly affect him right now.  Also even if he is working, lots of businesses of all sorts are in high turmoil and income is not what is was for lots of people or their future with their business they can see is shaky.  Or if he has a job and it's fairly stable, there is typically tremendous pressure on those people right now--for new protocols and extra workload.  Lastly, so much of the news is highly disappointing and depressing.  A person can be doing well and managing one day and then kind of bewildered at what their personal future will be like or the heaviness of it all.  All of those things have nothing to do with you & are very likely scenarios.  Also did you say he's with his dad?  That can also bring on stronger feelings of this---imagine if he feels responsible in some way for his dad's plight in any of those or worries for him somehow.  All plausible and will affect his emotions.

Finally, I think just as girl to girl, it's important to observe how a guy manages these times when he pulls back.  Chasing after him usually buys you a little time in the short term future at best.  But you won't know what he 'chooses" to do and how he acts and manages his emotions and stuff--be careful because you want to see if he is worthy of YOU---you know if you chase after him you might get stuck with someone that if you had more accurate observations (not the anxiety driven ones) you wouldn't want.  At worst, your own actions will drive him away when that wasn't even his plan. BTW, at two dates in a large majority of guys don't even have a plan!!!  Like don't treat it like it's a FIXED thing that he KNOWS what his plans are with you and where you two are headed.  Have fun & realize that what you put INTO it and how will influence where this goes.  

I think it's important to try to be like your ideal self (not like you can't be real but within reason appropriate to how long you've been dating).  Do you want your ideal self to come off needy and insecure? No, probably not.  Then don't let anxious emotions drive your decisions. Good luck

[EAM19]

Thank you! Really needed this. Since I made the post I've been feeling a bit better about it all 

[EAM19]

9 hours ago, Versacehottie said:

You're  welcome, thanks for saying that  

I think you just have to look at day by day; or even smaller portions like hour by hour which should help.  Make your decisions and confine your thinking in a way to those manageable time blocks.  Part of what usually makes people anxious is worrying that you can't control everything.  You can't.  If you break it up into smaller pieces and live in the now, you should be able to ENJOY the relationship more; determine if it's right for YOU and manage your expectations better.

Then about those expectations, just to counter what you said that your anxious part of your mind needs to know "what's going to happen with him" and if he's a little more distant right now and there's some reason "about you" that has to do with why.  In a way, if the worst would happen, ie he's no longer interested, ask yourself is that really the worst?  If he doesn't feel you are right for him, how could he be right for you?  Seriously.  You have to know you have equal worth and value and know you will be fine either way--also we are talking about 2 dates, it's a fragile period and very arbitrary at the beginning for lots of reasons, a lot of which you can't do any better than just being who you are.  plus you don't want that anxiety to creep into your interactions with him.  I wouldn't say stuff it down but try to calm it and manage it.  Be reasonable and rational.  Don't try to jump all the way to the end. Realistically you shouldn't even know yourself if you find him suitable to be in your life as a boyfriend or more serious.  So just let it unfold.

I don't think you should say anything.  A funny thing about anxious people is they often are very self-centered in a way.  It's almost like serving the master that is anxiety--like an anxious person will justify all sorts of crazy, emotional behavior, weirdness, defensives etc.  And then ruin a good thing and exactly the fears they worry about come true--but NOT for the reasons they worry about but exactly for the ONE thing they can control: themselves.

I don't think you need to worry about giving a bad impression. He's been talking to you for 6 months. Covid is in the way of a lot of things for lots of people: do you think it's possible or plausible that maybe his distance has to do with the uncertainty of life/finances/future due to the pandemic.  If you think about the last few days what has changed besides you?  I can name one right off the bat that might apply to him and I don't even know him but it's highly plausible: the $600 is expiring (oh if you live in US)  If he falls into that group that would highly affect him right now.  Also even if he is working, lots of businesses of all sorts are in high turmoil and income is not what is was for lots of people or their future with their business they can see is shaky.  Or if he has a job and it's fairly stable, there is typically tremendous pressure on those people right now--for new protocols and extra workload.  Lastly, so much of the news is highly disappointing and depressing.  A person can be doing well and managing one day and then kind of bewildered at what their personal future will be like or the heaviness of it all.  All of those things have nothing to do with you & are very likely scenarios.  Also did you say he's with his dad?  That can also bring on stronger feelings of this---imagine if he feels responsible in some way for his dad's plight in any of those or worries for him somehow.  All plausible and will affect his emotions.

Finally, I think just as girl to girl, it's important to observe how a guy manages these times when he pulls back.  Chasing after him usually buys you a little time in the short term future at best.  But you won't know what he 'chooses" to do and how he acts and manages his emotions and stuff--be careful because you want to see if he is worthy of YOU---you know if you chase after him you might get stuck with someone that if you had more accurate observations (not the anxiety driven ones) you wouldn't want.  At worst, your own actions will drive him away when that wasn't even his plan. BTW, at two dates in a large majority of guys don't even have a plan!!!  Like don't treat it like it's a FIXED thing that he KNOWS what his plans are with you and where you two are headed.  Have fun & realize that what you put INTO it and how will influence where this goes.  

I think it's important to try to be like your ideal self (not like you can't be real but within reason appropriate to how long you've been dating).  Do you want your ideal self to come off needy and insecure? No, probably not.  Then don't let anxious emotions drive your decisions. Good luck

Thank you,  really needed this. Ice been feeling better about it all since I made the post

[EAM19]

On 8/4/2020 at 11:53 AM, EAM19 said:

I've been on 2 dates now with this guy but we have been talking every day for 5 months, and known each other a lot longer. Hes said he likes me and wants to see me again but we're both busy this week and can't see each other then.
I'm starting to feel anxious and a bit fearful about where things are heading, in terms of not knowing where he is at and not wanting to ask what is going on. His messages have been a bit  different, eg. Taking longer to reply, but he is seeing his dad who he hasn't seen since Christmas.

Is it too soon to have this kind of conversation? I'm not really the 'chill' type of person about things like this or plans, I want to just know what is going on so I know whether to invest in it. But I'm worried I'll come across as too intense.

This si the first guy I've seriously liked since a bad breakup last year and I just don't want to go any further without knowing what's going on

UPDATE:

he ended things. Uni starting soon and being too far from each other and being busy. I'm going to spend my weekend crying

[Mystery4u]

4 minutes ago, EAM19 said:

UPDATE:

he ended things. Uni starting soon and being too far from each other and being busy. I'm going to spend my weekend crying

Not surprising. It's been 5 months talking every day and only seen each other twice. Also not even official boyfriend/girlfriend yet after 5 months which is a very long time.

He just wasn't that into you, uni and being far and being busy are just excuses.

Heal and move on and you will find someone who appreciates you for you.

Edited August 8, 2020 by Mystery4u

[elaine567]

25 minutes ago, EAM19 said:

He ended things.

This is what tends to come from being "too busy" to bother seeing each other.

[d0nnivain]

1 hour ago, EAM19 said:

UPDATE:

he ended things. Uni starting soon and being too far from each other and being busy. I'm going to spend my weekend crying

I'm sorry.  Covid had had a negative impact on may relationships.  It prevented yours from ever getting off the ground.  

Spending the weekend having a good cry will be cathartic.  There is healing & cleansing in tears.  Come Monday you can start taking steps to move forward, which includes taking down the photos, boxing up the mementos etc.