I messed up. Update.

[Calmandfocused]

I doubt anyone is going to have a go at you for saying that you love him back. It sounds like it was one of those “under pressure”, cringeworthy moments where you would have said anything to get you out of this embarrassing situation. 
 

No you don’t love him. But news flash: he doesn’t love you either. 
 

What I think happened was this: 

He made a “commitment” to his brother and SIL and now realises this is not what he wants. To get himself out of this difficult situation he’s trying to fast track his relationship with you as a way to extricate himself. He’s trying to find an excuse and avoid a family fallout. 
 

He also realises that he doesn’t want to financially invest in something that will result in a living nightmare. 
 

I don’t think this is a deal breaker for your relationship with him but don’t make any commitments that you are not ready for. Also don’t feel bad for not loving him yet. You’re still in the getting to know him stage and that’s absolutely fine. 
 

 

Edited August 4, 2020 by Calmandfocused

[Wiseman2]

Don't confuse future talk with real actions. Pace yourself. Stop talking about his living arrangements. Why does he keep going on about this?

Do you have your own home/place? Make sure he's not looking for the next place to live. 10 dates in shouldn't include this much hustling about his living situation.

[schlumpy]

Face this now.

Let him know that you need more time to wrestle with your feelings. Use your last relationship as an excuse because maybe it isn't an excuse. It sounds as if there was some likely trauma involved.

Avoid being at a football game. The camera zooms in, he goes to one knee and flips open the engagement ring box.

If you tell him now, I think he will be understanding and may try harder but it won't destroy your relationship.

Standing in stadium with millions of people watching you on TV - will.

[DCGurly]

26 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Don't confuse future talk with real actions. Pace yourself. Stop talking about his living arrangements. Why does he keep going on about this?

Do you have your own home/place? Make sure he's not looking for the next place to live. 10 dates in shouldn't include this much hustling about his living situation.

He’s never asked to stay with me.  The reason it’s come up is because his sister in law wants him in at midnight. Even to the point where she would text him and have his brother would text him.
 

I’ve seen the texts. I would like him to stay over my place sometimes. I actually brought it up to begin with. I mean he obviously wants to stay but she neurotic. We can’t even stay in a separate cabin if we go visit his parents because she feels it’s separate households and Covid19 might spread. I mean we kiss and are in each others face all the time. Plus he works around a lot of people.

Yet, for some reason she throws a fit and threatens to kick him out if he even thinks about staying at my place. He pays rent the most rent out of all of them.  I’ve seen the texts. Always a hour till 12am she sends them. Then his brother texts. 

Edited August 4, 2020 by DCGurly

[DCGurly]

.

[Wiseman2]

If you are seeing red flags like this, slow down 

[FMW]

Just talk to him, tell him how you feel, that you really like him and think it might turn into love, but right now you just want to see how things go.

He talks about his brother having been in an abusive relationship and that it might be happening again with his current wife - well I think it's even more concerning that this guy is letting his sister-in-law make the rules for his life.  I would be really afraid that weakness would come into play in other areas of his life that would make life with him difficult.

Don't be weak yourself, have the talk and slow things down.  When people rush the intensity of a relationship it's often because they are seeking a distraction or escape from something.  Give things time to see what you're really getting into.

[Wiseman2]

He put himself in this situation, so the sister is not the problem. Why is a grown man with enough money for a lot of expensive toys living like a 13 y/o in his family's house replete with a curfew suitable for a teen?

 

[ExpatInItaly]

I am starting to wonder if there is more behind his sister-in-law's controlling nature. Her behaviour is out-of-line for two adults, and frankly, so is his for even indulging it.

I'm just thinking out loud, but maybe:

a) he's got issues you haven't heard about or discovered yet, contributing to this parent-child relationship. Meaning, maybe he's not an adult in some social or developmental way and she's over-protective 

b) she's got a crush on her brother-in-law and is jealous of any woman around him. 

I have a hard time imagining that this is simply a crazy sister-in-law, only because most other adults would have laughed at her and told her to take a hike for trying to exert authority in any way over them. He hasn't exactly done that, which makes me wonder what is actually going on behind the scenes there. 

[lana-banana]

You know that a stable grown adult shouldn't be saying "I love you" after ten dates. You know his living situation is difficult and potentially abusive (why do they live together in the first place?). And at least one thing about this doesn't quite add up---the ultra-controlling sister-in-law thinks you could give them COVID-19 if he goes to your house, but it's not a problem for you to spend time together otherwise? I don't know what to tell you here other than go slow, trust your gut, and if you feel yourself getting swept up in this weird family drama, get out.

[Versacehottie]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

He put himself in this situation, so the sister is not the problem. Why is a grown man with enough money for a lot of expensive toys living like a 13 y/o in his family's house replete with a curfew suitable for a teen?

 

Agreed.

In fact, in a gentler way, this is what you could say to him to get him to slow down. Basically he needs to move out &  be self-sufficient, living on his own for his own reasons and not tie it to progress with you. Just tell him something to the effect of he needs to do the new living arrangement for himself and his own reasons.  That way your relationship can progress at a normal dating pace. without this type of pressure.

[smackie9]

You can approach this without fallout. Just say you are happy with how things are, but your feelings haven't caught up to his, and you apologize for saying you love him. Say you need to go at a slower pace, but is OK with the direction things are going....Then ask him, would in not be fair to say you two need to get to know one another better before going to the next level? 

 

It will work out just fine if you explain things gently, and positively.

[Ruby Slippers]

I think you should be honest with him about the half truth. 

I agree the relationship with the sister-in-law is very concerning and unhealthy. Given that he's been the main breadwinner in their house, and he's let her impose a curfew on him (??!!), this isn't the end of her codependent attempts to control him. A grown man who would allow this can't be in a very healthy state of mind. 

Don't get in a situation where he's blaming you if things go sideways. 

[Calmandfocused]

There is something very Freudian about this. 
 

Its like some weird parent/ child relationship, where child has to ask mummy and daddy’s permission to stay out overnight - ugh! Very strange indeed! 
 

He’s not a child, he’s a grown man. He can chose to sleep where and with whom, anytime he pleases. 
 

I sense that if he doesn’t assert some appropriate boundaries soon, you will very soon be turned off. 

 

 

Edited August 4, 2020 by Calmandfocused

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

she's got a crush on her brother-in-law and is jealous of any woman around him. 

Jumping in with my tin hat on. This crossed my mind as well, that this is not just a sister-in-law.

[kendahke]

10 hours ago, DCGurly said:

I don’t have the guts to be honest with him about not loving him the way he loves me.

I'm more inclined to believe that when he told you "I love you", what he actually meant was "I love how I feel about myself when I am with you..."  He hasn't known you long enough to say he loves you.

You saying it back was more like a knee-jerk reaction because you were caught so off guard. 

Thing is, he's known for a while he needed to get out of the living arrangement with his brother and his wife... she was going to eventually overstep herself in some way, shape or form which would have destroyed this guy's relationship with his brother. Don't take it like "he is wanting to wife me up next week because he's getting his own place".  He's a grown man and his SIL isn't his mother... it's an affront to him being an adult to be told he's got a curfew--especially when it's his money that is currently supporting her.

While she has a small point about not bringing cv19 to her daughter, we all know the real reason why is that she now can't live beyond her means by having the two brothers support her and she's jealous that he's met you and she knows she's stuck in the life she's got because she won't contribute to do better for herself. That's all that is.

I wouldn't necessarily run from this guy, but tell him that what he said caught you off guard and that will take you a little longer to get to the point where you feel true love for him...  if you're going to shut him down over him saying that, then do it now and get it over with so this can die off, because that's what will happen if you start ignoring him and shining him on.

[DCGurly]

4 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I am starting to wonder if there is more behind his sister-in-law's controlling nature. Her behaviour is out-of-line for two adults, and frankly, so is his for even indulging it.

I'm just thinking out loud, but maybe:

a) he's got issues you haven't heard about or discovered yet, contributing to this parent-child relationship. Meaning, maybe he's not an adult in some social or developmental way and she's over-protective 

b) she's got a crush on her brother-in-law and is jealous of any woman around him. 

I have a hard time imagining that this is simply a crazy sister-in-law, only because most other adults would have laughed at her and told her to take a hike for trying to exert authority in any way over them. He hasn't exactly done that, which makes me wonder what is actually going on behind the scenes there. 

His father was and is still very abusive. I also notice when I try to directly talk to him about something he feels is confrontational. He totally closes up, and seems confused about how to deal with me. Which I find strange because I’m a very easy going person. His sister in laws behavior is very dominant like his father’s.  
 

Also the reason he moved in with them is because he moved to California without hardly knowing a girl he met at a convention. He was with her for two years and very mentally abusive towards him. He caught her in the backseat of her ex boyfriend’s car having sex, and moved back to the east coast. Moving in with his brother. 

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, DCGurly said:

His father was and is still very abusive. I also notice when I try to directly talk to him about something he feels is confrontational. His sister in laws behavior is very dominant like his father’s.  
 

Also the reason he moved in with them is because he moved to California without hardly knowing a girl he met at a convention. He was with her for two years and very mentally abusive towards him.

Sorry to say but these few words have so many red flags. One is you should not be prying and trying to fix, change or be his therapist. Another is a high level of impulsiveness and instability, evidenced by making a rash decision to move and move in quickly. (You may be his next target).

Another is coming from a dysfunctional family.  be very careful. Do not try to accept crazy because you are lonely or desperate.  if he wants a mommy/ sugar mama, you need to move on.

[Ruby Slippers]

As an adult, it's one thing to live with family temporarily after relocating while you look for your own place to live. It's another thing entirely to live with them, pay the bulk of the rent, and submit to your SIL's curfew. That's not healthy, and it's cause for concern. He won't magically grow beyond these unhealthy dynamics overnight.

[DCGurly]

1 hour ago, kendahke said:

I'm more inclined to believe that when he told you "I love you", what he actually meant was "I love how I feel about myself when I am with you..."  He hasn't known you long enough to say he loves you.

You saying it back was more like a knee-jerk reaction because you were caught so off guard. 

Thing is, he's known for a while he needed to get out of the living arrangement with his brother and his wife... she was going to eventually overstep herself in some way, shape or form which would have destroyed this guy's relationship with his brother. Don't take it like "he is wanting to wife me up next week because he's getting his own place".  He's a grown man and his SIL isn't his mother... it's an affront to him being an adult to be told he's got a curfew--especially when it's his money that is currently supporting her.

While she has a small point about not bringing cv19 to her daughter, we all know the real reason why is that she now can't live beyond her means by having the two brothers support her and she's jealous that he's met you and she knows she's stuck in the life she's got because she won't contribute to do better for herself. That's all that is.

I wouldn't necessarily run from this guy, but tell him that what he said caught you off guard and that will take you a little longer to get to the point where you feel true love for him...  if you're going to shut him down over him saying that, then do it now and get it over with so this can die off, because that's what will happen if you start ignoring him and shining him on.

When I first met him he would send me tons of links to houses. Very expensive homes which they could only buy all together. 
 

He told me this weekend that his sister in law made his brother go back to school for cyber security because she saw where he can make $100,000 a year. He didn’t want to but he’s doing it now.  
 

Also, she has two College degrees, and never lets them forget it. My boyfriend says she talks down to them about how smart she is like she knows what’s best for everyone. She even threatened to leave.
 

My boyfriend didn’t know this was going on. So whatever is happening over there has been going on under the surface way before I came along. 

[DCGurly]

Thanks everyone, a lot of the things that I talked  to you about on this thread are the main reasons why I broke it off with him initially. I went on a date, and it was not that great and I just ran back to him because he treats me so well.  Not the smartest move on my part. Also, deep down  I don’t really feel like he’s right for me. I just thought I’d give it a chance. 

[Uptown182]

4 hours ago, lana-banana said:

You know that a stable grown adult shouldn't be saying "I love you" after ten dates. You know his living situation is difficult and potentially abusive (why do they live together in the first place?). And at least one thing about this doesn't quite add up---the ultra-controlling sister-in-law thinks you could give them COVID-19 if he goes to your house, but it's not a problem for you to spend time together otherwise? I don't know what to tell you here other than go slow, trust your gut, and if you feel yourself getting swept up in this weird family drama, get out.

Yea I agree, 10 dates is too soon for “ I love you”s.  On top of that I don’t find his living situation acceptable for a grown man who is not financially struggling.  Makes no sense the sister in law is ok with him Hanging out with you but is not ok with him sleeping over due to Covid.  He should be moving out of there regardless of whether he’s dating you or not so I wouldn’t feel guilty about that.  I’d be wary of him trying to move in with you, sounds like he might be moving the relationship quickly along so he can do just that.   

[DCGurly]

1 minute ago, Uptown182 said:

Yea I agree, 10 dates is too soon for “ I love you”s.  On top of that I don’t find his living situation acceptable for a grown man who is not financially struggling.  Makes no sense the sister in law is ok with him Hanging out with you but is not ok with him sleeping over due to Covid.  He should be moving out of there regardless of whether he’s dating you or not so I wouldn’t feel guilty about that.  I’d be wary of him trying to move in with you, sounds like he might be moving the relationship quickly along so he can do just that.   

I’m really starting to think this might be a reason. We haven’t slept together. He knows I won’t unless he can stay the night. 

[Crazelnut]

So what are you going to do?

[poppyfields]

Is it possible he could be on the spectrum?

Something sounds very off about this man.