DCGurly Posted June 30, 2020 Posted June 30, 2020 He’s so super intense He’s so super intense, and he seems to be way more into me then I am into him. I’m stating to just have feelings for him. Which is not his fault. I am 26, and I was married for five years, and I’m a lot jaded. So some of how he comes across makes me feel guarded at times. We met off of OkCupid. He’s a really super sweet/kind person. We’ve talked/FaceTime during quarantine almost everyday for two months. We are just about to go on our third date this weekend. We get along really well. He’s a very kind person, but he puts me on a pedestal, and I don’t know how to feel about that. He’s a family guy very close to his family. I can tell from the conversations that we have he’s ready for a family. He’s ready to get married. He said he would like to travel a little bit with his partner before having children. Like for three years. He’s a family guy very close to his family. I can tell from the conversations that we have he’s ready for a family. He’s ready to get married. He said he would like to travel a little bit with his partner for two years before having children. Just a little background on him. His first serious girlfriend cheated on him. His second serious girlfriend (Who he planned on marrying) he’s (31) He Moved from the East Coast to the West Coast for her. Then he caught her having sex with her ex in a car. So he moved back to the east coast. A little background on me . I was actually cheated on by my ex-husband. It was a hard situation to deal with but we just weren’t right for each other. Come to find out that my ex-husband had PTSD from being in the military. And he committed suicide two years after our divorce . There are things about him that seem too good to be true. He is an absolute gentleman, but also there are things about him that aren’t perfect of course. When he gets tired he’s a little grumpy. That’s literally the only thing about that isn’t sweet. He’s always telling me that I am perfect. When I tell him that I am not perfect he always says ” you’re perfect to me" he says that he appreciates that I’m not trying to change him and that I’m so easy to talk to you and then I accept him for who he is. Personally I’m this way with everyone. I’m very open person, and I believe that people should be able to be themselves. I grew up in a very judgemental family where I was not allowed to be myself. Anyway, He sent me flowers for my birthday during quarantine. Our last two dates he always has gifts for me. He’s always asking me what my favorite perfume is what my favorite stores or what my favorite things are. And he really listens. Because I always get those things from him And he told me he has another gift for me when he sees me on our next date Saturday. Sorry if this is very long-winded. 1
Roswell91 Posted June 30, 2020 Posted June 30, 2020 1 hour ago, DCGurly said: He’s so super intense He’s so super intense, and he seems to be way more into me then I am into him. I’m stating to just have feelings for him. Which is not his fault. I am 26, and I was married for five years, and I’m a lot jaded. So some of how he comes across makes me feel guarded at times. We met off of OkCupid. He’s a really super sweet/kind person. We’ve talked/FaceTime during quarantine almost everyday for two months. We are just about to go on our third date this weekend. We get along really well. He’s a very kind person, but he puts me on a pedestal, and I don’t know how to feel about that. He’s a family guy very close to his family. I can tell from the conversations that we have he’s ready for a family. He’s ready to get married. He said he would like to travel a little bit with his partner before having children. Like for three years. He’s a family guy very close to his family. I can tell from the conversations that we have he’s ready for a family. He’s ready to get married. He said he would like to travel a little bit with his partner for two years before having children. Just a little background on him. His first serious girlfriend cheated on him. His second serious girlfriend (Who he planned on marrying) he’s (31) He Moved from the East Coast to the West Coast for her. Then he caught her having sex with her ex in a car. So he moved back to the east coast. A little background on me . I was actually cheated on by my ex-husband. It was a hard situation to deal with but we just weren’t right for each other. Come to find out that my ex-husband had PTSD from being in the military. And he committed suicide two years after our divorce . There are things about him that seem too good to be true. He is an absolute gentleman, but also there are things about him that aren’t perfect of course. When he gets tired he’s a little grumpy. That’s literally the only thing about that isn’t sweet. He’s always telling me that I am perfect. When I tell him that I am not perfect he always says ” you’re perfect to me" he says that he appreciates that I’m not trying to change him and that I’m so easy to talk to you and then I accept him for who he is. Personally I’m this way with everyone. I’m very open person, and I believe that people should be able to be themselves. I grew up in a very judgemental family where I was not allowed to be myself. Anyway, He sent me flowers for my birthday during quarantine. Our last two dates he always has gifts for me. He’s always asking me what my favorite perfume is what my favorite stores or what my favorite things are. And he really listens. Because I always get those things from him And he told me he has another gift for me when he sees me on our next date Saturday. Sorry if this is very long-winded. It sounds a little intense. No one is ever that nice, just saying. Well he must really be into you
BaileyB Posted June 30, 2020 Posted June 30, 2020 A man who pours it on this much when you have only met a few times is always very concerning to me. It is important to me to find a man who has a mature and realistic approach to building a relationship. I wonder how his past experiences have influenced the way that he is behaving with you, or whether he has always behaved this way in relationships (ie. not done his due diligence and forged head first into relationships with poor choices for his previous partners). 4
preraph Posted June 30, 2020 Posted June 30, 2020 He is moving too fast for you and he may be moving too fast for his own good in general. No one is perfect so it's likely that there are still things under the surface that he is not letting you see or there has not been occasion to see. you don't really know a person until you see what they're like when they're not getting their way. It's very important to see them when they're not getting their way about something before you can even think you know who they are. You will see other facets of a person when they are having some bad luck like car trouble or illness or having to deal with a sick loved one. Adverse circumstances will show you a little about the person and their strength. Him being super close to his family will likely only be compatible with someone else he is super close to their family or believe they can become just as close to his family, because for people who are not like that, that can become very intrusive and interrupt a lot of your plans. Him being so into his family is likely why he gets in so deep right away though because he has a basic trust of other people that things can work out. Obviously you cannot let him set the pace for this. It's already too much for you. So you've got to not let him rush you into anything and see if you can deal with his enthusiasm and intensity and whether it remains high or gets down to a more comfortable level. So you just keep your boundaries and don't feel that you have to move as fast as he goes. 1
Versacehottie Posted June 30, 2020 Posted June 30, 2020 You said you grew up in a judgmental family where you weren't allowed to be yourself. It's funny I see your dilemma with this as cut from the same cloth. He sounds a little pushy (and intense as you said). But "yourself" has pretty clear ideas of what you want for your life, etc, so why are you letting him guilt you or push his way on you? I'd say your environment growing up is part of the reason--maybe knowing that and vowing to do things your own way will help. Go at a pace you feel comfortable with. Slower person wins, in effect--that's you. And secondly, even if you've been talking for 2 months (consider the situation too, with lockdown things are bound to be over hyped), you've only been on 3 dates, IMO waayyyyyyy too early to be thinking or talking about this. See if he can meet you at your pace. I think you will probably have to tell him to slow down because you've kind of opened the door to discussing serious things and allowed it so to get him to slow down, you need to be direct. Good luck
Miss Spider Posted June 30, 2020 Posted June 30, 2020 (edited) I see a lot of red flags from him. I think you should pass. Edited June 30, 2020 by Cookiesandough
CAPSLOCK BANDIT Posted June 30, 2020 Posted June 30, 2020 One time I hooked my buddy up with one of my co-workers from my job and approximately 500 texts, 3 dates and 1 month later, he was on her door step with an engagement ring, she said it was the strangest thing she has ever experienced and her dad had to come out and chase him off... This is a guy that i've known since junior high, been in some crazy situations with this guy, saw how he acted under a lot of pressure, I thought I knew what he was about, then this? I didn't believe it, or thought maybe she was exaggerating, so I put in another good word for him with a mutual friend of ours and she same back with this story about this ring and how he would say to her "If you be good, you'll get this!" and he would show her the ring that his Grandma gave him or something was the story I got back. So I go back and ask my buddy about this ring and his jaw drops, he can't believe she told me about the ring... The ring is supposed to be sacred, special and the last relic of his bygone family. Some people just place value on the opposite sex... Like, he couldn't wait to give this ring away, he didn't understand why, even now, hes managed to trap some poor woman by getting her pregnant but I know him well, now that its real, the ring has yet to come out, its kind of funny like that... He offers the ring to people that wont take it, but is cautious about somebody that will. The point im making, is that we are all kind of trying to live out this fantasy in our own love lives... Many guys just want to do what they see in porn, thats their fantasy, but other guys have other types of fantasies, it sounds like this guy wants a family, maybe thats a fantasy you are willing to buy into. 3
scooby-philly Posted June 30, 2020 Posted June 30, 2020 That's a lot to unpack and while you shared a lot, we actually need some more specific information about his and your backgrounds, how he behaves, and your feelings. Succinctly - a lot of people (men and women) have such pent up dreams/fantasies and feel (falsely) societal pressure to do what they imagine is the "right thing" for everyone that they just rush into things. And often, not always, that's accompanied by a low self-esteem and little sense of individuality and boundaries. Now don't get me wrong, I think a lot of relationships these days are too far on the other end of the spectrum - busy professionals (could be working class, but typical of white collar professionals) who want the "life" but don't really have the time for each other and/or are just together because the other person said yes. I'm not a fan of that at all. But having been conditioned throughout childhood to be the "nice guy" and having to learn the hard way in life and love to instead be a "Good man" (who still gets his needs/wants filled and doesn't settle because someone says yes) - my initial reaction is you know in your gut that this guy isn't in touch with his feelings, his guilt, his shame, and even if he doesn't turn out to be angry, mean, nasty, cold, selfish, etc. in the future - a day will come when he "snaps" and the drama starts. That's not to say you shouldn't keep seeing him. Just a quick word of caution to be just that - cautious and let your feelings guide you on this.
SumGuy Posted June 30, 2020 Posted June 30, 2020 All he is doing sounds very enjoyable, you are just wondering if it is too good to be true, if someday a switch will flip? Not every one who is nice and intense is disturbed...he'd be lambasted if he was too disinterested. You got a guy who finds you amazing and is wooing you, sure he could be love bombing, or it could be the real deal. You grew up in an environment where you were not allowed to be yourself so you know that is out there, you're non-judgmental approach to people is not as common as you may want to believe, you may well be the most chill woman he has ever met. I would enjoy this and not assume it is a red flag, because if you do you can easily ruin it. Sure keep your eyes open, move slow on major commitments like living together, or marriage. If it is love-bombing that can only be maintained so long. How does he react when he doesn't get his way? What are his pet peeves with others and how does he react to them? How is he in life, that is, is he very can do when it comes to business, or some activity he engages in? The answers to these questions are more important than how many gifts he gives or his intensity. If he is a good one you should be able to let him know, in nice way, that all the gifts so soon make you feel like you would owe him...you can let him know you like him with out the gifts. Gifts may be his primary love language so it is his way of showing how much he likes you. You think he likes you too much right away? Well there are whole threads here saying people knew form the first date the other person was for them and ones where some grandparent or parent wooed their spouse for a long time before they got together. Yes keep your eyes open, but don;t let paranoia and cynicism become a self-fulfilling prophecy. 2
Lotsgoingon Posted June 30, 2020 Posted June 30, 2020 (edited) You're right to sense trouble here. His words and his actions are all red flags. You're perfect? That's a sign of immaturity and infatuation ... that's a terrible sign. He's reverting to some kid-like mode. He's projecting onto you. "You're perfect to me." Are you kidding me? He doesn't know you! You're right to be suspicious of his affection--his affection is the affection of a baby for his mom. Or the perspective of someone really creepy. You're just a generic "good woman" to him--not a real human being. This ain't gonna work. Run. Any half-way mature person knows there is no such thing as "perfect." So he's idolizing you--without knowing you. You're an object--not a person to him. You want someone who gets to know you and who accepts that you two are different ... and who knows that relationships must build over time and that despite whatever strong feelings they have at the beginning, they know you are not perfect and that there is NO SUCH THING as perfect. Just using that language is immature. Sorry, this guy is only trouble. And the odd thing about the way he's treating you is that you as a real person, with your individual interests and hobbies and opinions and pain and thinking--all of that is ignored. Which means you are not seen by him. Yes, we can get rapturous praise and not be seen at the same time. Edited June 30, 2020 by Lotsgoingon
smackie9 Posted June 30, 2020 Posted June 30, 2020 Puts you up on a pedestal? Big red flag...those are usually the intensely jealous controlling types. He's creeping you out, it's only going to get worse..that's my prediction.
ShyViolet Posted June 30, 2020 Posted June 30, 2020 If your gut tells you that something is off about this guy, trust your instincts. You've only gone on two dates, yet he's always giving you gifts, tells you you're perfect, and is already talking about marriage and kids...... that sounds a little creepy. Maybe creepy isn't the right word.... but just too intense. And not in a good way.
manfrombelow Posted July 1, 2020 Posted July 1, 2020 (edited) 14 hours ago, CAPSLOCK BANDIT said: One time I hooked my buddy up with one of my co-workers from my job and approximately 500 texts, 3 dates and 1 month later, he was on her door step with an engagement ring, she said it was the strangest thing she has ever experienced and her dad had to come out and chase him off... This is a guy that i've known since junior high, been in some crazy situations with this guy, saw how he acted under a lot of pressure, I thought I knew what he was about, then this? I didn't believe it, or thought maybe she was exaggerating, so I put in another good word for him with a mutual friend of ours and she same back with this story about this ring and how he would say to her "If you be good, you'll get this!" and he would show her the ring that his Grandma gave him or something was the story I got back. So I go back and ask my buddy about this ring and his jaw drops, he can't believe she told me about the ring... The ring is supposed to be sacred, special and the last relic of his bygone family. Some people just place value on the opposite sex... Like, he couldn't wait to give this ring away, he didn't understand why, even now, hes managed to trap some poor woman by getting her pregnant but I know him well, now that its real, the ring has yet to come out, its kind of funny like that... He offers the ring to people that wont take it, but is cautious about somebody that will. The point im making, is that we are all kind of trying to live out this fantasy in our own love lives... Many guys just want to do what they see in porn, thats their fantasy, but other guys have other types of fantasies, it sounds like this guy wants a family, maybe thats a fantasy you are willing to buy into. Thank you for this story. In psychology terms, I believe this is an classic example of "PROJECTION". This guy (and people like him) basically "PROJECTED" his inner feelings, emotion, desires whatsoever to the person he's interested in. "I like you so much, so you MUST like me back at the same level" or sth like that. If only the real world worked like this. Edited July 1, 2020 by manfrombelow
Author DCGurly Posted July 26, 2020 Author Posted July 26, 2020 I read through the advice and comments made on my post about this guy I met during quarantine. Sorry I didn’t reply back. I’ve been pretty busy. I initially decided to break it of with him after posting here. He was really hurt but I was doing what I thought was best. I continued to date, and my experiences were horrible. Rude, arrogant, people I had no connection with. When I had this sweet, kind and gorgeous man that treats me like a queen. Yes.. I’m weak.. I ran right back to him. He’s still intense. Every date he has a gift for me. He continually tells me I’m perfect and he’s never had a connection like this before. We really get along well. He brings me out of my shell. He has a motorcycle and I’ve trusted him enough to ride with him. I went to a socially distanced car club event with him. He has a souped up Mustang. We’ve talked about his ex and what I’m thinking is the reason he likes me so much is because she was pretty terrible. According to him. We are like night and day. I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing but I’m comfortable with him now that I know him better. He’s very over the top romantic. I’m not so much. Sometimes We’re sitting there and he’s just staring at me. I’m not use to that. This is odd.. Anyway, he was planning on buying a house with his brother and his wife. He decided against it. He’s their roommate and pays the bigger portion of the rent. His brothers wife says she doesn’t like him being out after midnight. They have a child and she said it would blight her child. Lol She’s just controlling and she hates that he’s met someone. He does a lot for them runs errands, driver her around because she doesn’t drive. So he can’t stay over my place His brother even texts him when we are out making sure he comes home on time. He’s 30 years old lol She’s religious and narcotic. According to him. Yes, she wears the pants in her relationship and he doesn’t want to upset his brother. So he’s moving out soon. I know she’s going to be disappointed. DC/Metro housing prices are insane. I mean she already doesn’t like me and she’s never met me. Anyway, we went on our 8th date yesterday. He mentioned me being his girlfriend. But I’m not ready just going with the flow for now.
stillafool Posted July 27, 2020 Posted July 27, 2020 Well enjoy yourself but make sure to tell him you aren't ready to be his gf if you aren't. Good luck. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted July 27, 2020 Posted July 27, 2020 (edited) Just be careful that you're not with him simply because you're afraid of being alone, OP. It still doesn't sound as though you like him that much. Yes, you like the feeling of being adored - to a degree - but you have said very little in the way of what you like about his character, values, goals and so on. Think long and hard about this: if he weren't so over-the-moon into you, would you still be dating him now? Edited July 27, 2020 by ExpatInItaly 1
Maldives Posted July 27, 2020 Posted July 27, 2020 You went back to him for the wrong reasons. Kinda not fair to him either because he is really really into you
smackie9 Posted July 27, 2020 Posted July 27, 2020 When things are so out of balance with the intensity, it's going to only get worse. Intense guys, turn controlling, clingy, needy and jealous over time. 1
d0nnivain Posted July 27, 2020 Posted July 27, 2020 None of this sounds good to me. He seems like he's trying to buy you will all these gifts every date. It's not sustainable. His relationship with his brother & SIL also seem unbalanced. Keep an eye on that. If you are happy, fine but I do see caution flags. 1
nibelheim89 Posted July 28, 2020 Posted July 28, 2020 I'd try to keep things slow, guys that are over the top like that can tend to flip if things don't go their own way after a while.
Wiseman2 Posted July 28, 2020 Posted July 28, 2020 It sounds like he's wining and dining you so he can move out of his brothers home and into yours. That's why this feels intense He lives and acts like a teenager. He may be in his 30s but he is socioeconomically in arrested development.
Author DCGurly Posted August 4, 2020 Author Posted August 4, 2020 I’ve posted here twice about this situation. I’ve been given very good advice. Saturday was a fun day with the guy I’ve been dating (10th date) We had a lot of fun. He asked me to be his girlfriend at dinner. I said yes. I’m ok with that. He’s a sweetheart. I’m sometimes in awe at how the man standing at 6’3 big guy. That rides a motorcycle and drives a souped up mustang can be so attentive, soft loving and kind. To keep it simple we had a late dinner and we were sitting his car in front of my house talking. Anyway, he kisses me and said "I’m so happy to have you in my life and I love you" I froze. I didn’t know what to say. I quickly got my bearings and... The way he was looking at me. He just put his heart, and soul out there. I said it back ughh! I know I don’t love him. I like him a lot and I care about him. I just couldn’t not say it. To be honest I’ve never really loved a man. I was married 5 years (Divorced now) before I realized I didn’t love my ex. (Who cheated on me) It was just lust. I think it just takes me longer than most people to cultivate those feelings. Anyway, he was supposed to buy a home with his brother and sister in law. (I touched on this in a previous post) Who he lives with (roommates) He told his brother the next day he’s moving out and getting his own place. He already started looking. I kinda feel bad because this was their plan before I came along. Now he wants to go his own way because of our relationship. Also, because his sister in law has some issues he doesn’t want to deal with anymore. She very controlling. He told me his brother was in an abusive relationship before and his brother said he feels it’s happening again with his wife. She’s even threatened leaving him if she doesn’t get her way. Anyway, my boyfriend said they had a good eye opening talk. His sister in law wants a huge house which they can’t afford without my boyfriend buying it with them. So now she’s mad at him. No lie! He has to be home at midnight or she threatens to kick him out. He can never stay over my place. Because she feels he’ll being Covid-19 into the house to his niece. Who he adores and would never do anything to hurt her. Mind you he works around 100’s people 5 days a week. So he’s moving out now. I can actually see my boyfriend being a good husband and father at some point but we are still getting to know one another. Also, I don’t have the guts to be honest with him about not loving him the way he loves me. I feel like I can love him in time. Thanks for listening. Any negative response I get I deserve it. What I did was wrong and not fair to him.
ExpatInItaly Posted August 4, 2020 Posted August 4, 2020 Why do you keep agreeing to move at his crazy-fast pace in spite of your instincts telling you not to? 2
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