ccas93 Posted August 4, 2020 Posted August 4, 2020 I (27M) started quarantine dating a couple weeks ago and met this girl (26F). We hit it off on bumble and started texting paragraphs and paragraphs to each other. So, we planned a date. The first date she had to cancel because of a work obligation (got my attention), so we rescheduled for her PTO week (this last week) as it was more convenient for both of us. So we texted for another week before we finally met up. It took a little to transition the same connection from online to in-person, but it definitely eventually happened. We took a walk around the beach and I gave her a tour of my town. It ended in a make out session (we were tested both COVID-negative). While she's not objectively the hottest girl on the planet, def not some barbie doll, she's MY idea of a totally beautiful woman. So, we planned another date. I went to her city and we took a walk around the park for 4 hours during which there was a lot of kissing and cuddling on the benches. After I got home, she texted me and said she feels like she is "just starting to get to know me," and then later texted me to invite me over the next night to watch a movie. I accepted, and this movie night ended up in the bedroom for quite the night of really intense and passionate sex. I slept over and we cuddled all morning (yesterday). I went home, texted her that I made it safe to which she thanked me for letting her know, and I we haven't talked since then (no big deal). After one week and 3 dates, it seems like we share some core values, political beliefs, and genuine interest in each other's lives. Not to mention the physical attraction. This week has been a breath of fresh air in my dating life and I want to see where this goes with her. However... What worries me about potentially getting involved with her/invested: -when she is not on PTO, she said she is extremely busy with her job (sometimes 12-14 hour work days) -talks about going back home for a month in september -she has a lot of guy friends (I'm not threatened by that but feel like girls with lots of guy friends develop true feelings more slowly) -bumble message notification popped up on her phone when we were watching the movie (I do not sleep multiple people at a time, esp not during a pandemic) -doesn't "talk" like someone who is planning on being in a relationship with someone -mentioned something in passing about how she doesn't like being tied down. -isn't that flirtatious over text/sometimes feels like texting a friend despite in person physical connection We're only ONE single week in to dating each other in person, but I'm worried that I'm just some casual NSA fun for this girl on her PTO week, and then when work starts back up I'm no longer going to be a priority. I kinda feel like leaving the ball in her court, not texting her and seeing if she texts me again. Am I right in seeing these factors as red flags in regards to her being potential GF material? I don't feel ready to talk to her about these things. -
Author ccas93 Posted August 4, 2020 Author Posted August 4, 2020 she just texted me two min ago : "hey you I had a very good time with you on Saturday but wanted to check in with you to see what you're thinking as you're pretty hard to get a read on haha. I think we get on well but could be down for something a bit more casual too - what were you thinking?"
Author ccas93 Posted August 4, 2020 Author Posted August 4, 2020 yep! I just got off the phone with her. She said she's only down for something casual. I said I'm down for something casual as long as it's exclusive and she's not taking other Ds. She wasn't down for that. So, next. 2
Author ccas93 Posted August 4, 2020 Author Posted August 4, 2020 I can't lie I'm really disappointed.
Ruby Slippers Posted August 4, 2020 Posted August 4, 2020 Sorry, that sucks. Somehow I'm pretty good at detecting a casual mindset, have never unintentionally found myself involved with that kind of person. Hopefully you learned more of the indicators for next time. 1
Author ccas93 Posted August 4, 2020 Author Posted August 4, 2020 (edited) 4 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said: Sorry, that sucks. Somehow I'm pretty good at detecting a casual mindset, have never unintentionally found myself involved with that kind of person. Hopefully you learned more of the indicators for next time. I sensed her casual mindset, and I was open to starting casual but I thought maybe she'd have the decency to agree to keep things exclusive (given that we're in a pandemic). Like even when dating casually, i think screwing more than one person at a time is pretty gross. She wasn't screwing anyone else but couldn't promise me she wouldn't. Edited August 4, 2020 by ccas93
ShyViolet Posted August 4, 2020 Posted August 4, 2020 42 minutes ago, ccas93 said: I said I'm down for something casual as long as it's exclusive Huh? This is kind of an oxymoron. You can't have something "casual" and at the same time expect to be exclusive. 4
Author ccas93 Posted August 4, 2020 Author Posted August 4, 2020 (edited) 9 minutes ago, ShyViolet said: Huh? This is kind of an oxymoron. You can't have something "casual" and at the same time expect to be exclusive. well I've had it before, so you can't say you can't! I don't see why you can't casually hook up with one person at a time. Esp during a pandemic. Anyway, not forcing anything on her. If she's not satisfied with just me, then she can keep searching Edited August 4, 2020 by ccas93
Ruby Slippers Posted August 4, 2020 Posted August 4, 2020 11 minutes ago, ShyViolet said: You can't have something "casual" and at the same time expect to be exclusive. Yes, you can. One of the few times in my life I tried something casual, we both wanted it to be exclusive and it was. 1
Author ccas93 Posted August 4, 2020 Author Posted August 4, 2020 If I don't have time for a relationship, then I usually also don't have time to be screwing multiple people. 1
healing light Posted August 4, 2020 Posted August 4, 2020 2 hours ago, ccas93 said: I think we get on well but could be down for something a bit more casual too - what were you thinking? That's surprising to me that she only wanted something casual, because this statement with the "I think we get on well" makes me think she would consider you either boyfriend material but was willing to go casual depending on what you wanted. How did that conversation go, did you answer first? Probably the only thing she didn't want to do was casual but exclusive, because then why not get the whole pie with being the girlfriend? 1
Author ccas93 Posted August 4, 2020 Author Posted August 4, 2020 (edited) 11 minutes ago, healing light said: That's surprising to me that she only wanted something casual, because this statement with the "I think we get on well" makes me think she would consider you either boyfriend material but was willing to go casual depending on what you wanted. How did that conversation go, did you answer first? Probably the only thing she didn't want to do was casual but exclusive, because then why not get the whole pie with being the girlfriend? Yes, that's exactly what I thought when I first got the text! I was actually pretty happy and thought maybe she just couldn't read me so erred on the side of caution. So I called her, cleared it up that I'm open to seeing where things go. I also expressed an understanding of why she'd want to stay casual (less things to do for dating, viruses everywhere) during a pandemic, and I'd be down for that as long as she doesn't sleep with any one else while hooking up with me. She then was very clear she only wanted something casual (because of her life circumstances) and it didn't sound like she would even remotely consider just focusing on me. She's leaving the door open and said I can text her if I change my mind. Which 99% chance I won't. Edited August 4, 2020 by ccas93 1
ExpatInItaly Posted August 4, 2020 Posted August 4, 2020 1 hour ago, healing light said: That's surprising to me that she only wanted something casual, because this statement with the "I think we get on well" makes me think she would consider you either boyfriend material but was willing to go casual depending on what you wanted. How did that conversation go, did you answer first? Probably the only thing she didn't want to do was casual but exclusive, because then why not get the whole pie with being the girlfriend? I am sure she meant it, but didn't attach any deeper significance to it. A throwaway comment of sorts In other words, it was a nicety before clarifying that she doesn't want exclusivity with him. 1
Author ccas93 Posted August 4, 2020 Author Posted August 4, 2020 I decided to text her and ask her a few more questions. I don't see myself screwing her again given I don't want what she wants, but I am chatting to get a better understanding of her mindset. I asked her about her text, and she said she did not at all expect me to want anything with her. apparently she was almost positive I wasn't interested in continuing with her and thought I was going to tell her so. most women I've dated have told me I'm really hard to read, I need to change this somewhat..
ExpatInItaly Posted August 4, 2020 Posted August 4, 2020 16 minutes ago, ccas93 said: most women I've dated have told me I'm really hard to read, I need to change this somewhat.. This is certainly worth some more thought. This girl isn't the one for you, but it would be good to work on opening up more to future prospects if this the same feedback you're always receiving. 1 1
Wiseman2 Posted August 4, 2020 Posted August 4, 2020 Just stop talking to her . Picking her brain about her particular mindset won't help. She probably met someone else and wants to move on. Don't be the backup plan. Move on yourself and find someone more compatible. 1
elaine567 Posted August 4, 2020 Posted August 4, 2020 9 hours ago, ccas93 said: we were tested both COVID-negative Which means you were negative, maybe... in the minute the test was taken but you could acquire the virus from the next person you met or the next surface you touched... or you could be incubating the virus and the test didn't pick it up... A positive test is important, a negative test has no significance.
dangerous Posted August 7, 2020 Posted August 7, 2020 On 8/4/2020 at 4:12 AM, ccas93 said: yep! I just got off the phone with her. She said she's only down for something casual. I said I'm down for something casual as long as it's exclusive and she's not taking other Ds. She wasn't down for that. So, next. Good. Strong man. Keep to your values. 1
Author ccas93 Posted August 7, 2020 Author Posted August 7, 2020 (edited) 2 hours ago, dangerous said: Good. Strong man. Keep to your values. Thank you. We texted for a bit later on that night but I haven't contacted her since. It's less that I wanted loyalty/monogamy already but wanted the same sexual morals. Esp during a pandemic. Edited August 7, 2020 by ccas93
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