kenziejane Posted August 3, 2020 Posted August 3, 2020 For context, I'm 30F. I was with my ex for 8 years, married for 3. I've been divorced and single for a year and some change now. I started dating last September and have had a lot of duds but finally met someone promising. Of course he lives two hours away though. The first week we met, he was taking vacation from work and drove up three separate times to see me. Since then, we've been taking turns going back and forth. At this point in time, I would say we've seen each 8 times in the past month. This last weekend, he asked to be exclusive. Even asked if it was okay to leave his toothbrush and some other items at my house. I said of course. Sort of astonished that I'd finally made it to this point with someone after a year of dating. Then he left, and after a few hours I had a moment of 'oh my god, this is a lot'. And it really shouldn't be. Our first date was over a month ago, back in June. Yet I suddenly had this sinking feeling of giving up my freedom. Is it post-divorce trauma? I was so sure I wanted a relationship and was ready to settle down with someone again. Yet now that it seems like it's happening, I feel like fleeing. This probably sounds selfish and callous, but I've grown to love doing whatever I want, whenever I want, and not having to worry about anyone but myself. I've realized that is about to change, and is already changing and I'm panicking. I really can't tell if I'm not ready, or if I'm just scared. I feel pulled in many directions-- worried about wasting time with the wrong person again, worried I'll miss my chance to start a family if I wait too long to settle down again, worried I'll regret not using my newfound singlehood to have the fun I missed out on in my 20s. Of course I would experience this kind of panic the first time I meet a wonderful man who has expressed interest in something long-term and seems keen on being with me instead of playing games or wasting my time. Of course.
Phallacy Posted August 3, 2020 Posted August 3, 2020 You’re attracted to drama. He’s too easy for you. Sadly some folks go all in and it throws water on the fire. I’ve had ‘some’ women get all gobsmacked when the courtship ends after we’ve slept together. Like I’m not supposed to expect exclusivity after sex? I’m supposed to keep winning you over, eh! They’ll sleep with you and dangle a relationship carrot for you to chase. If it’s one thing I’ve learned from dating as a man, NEVER ask for exclusive or a label. Let her ask! As soon as you ask, she’ll want you to keep winning her over. You’re gonna play with the little mouse you caught, huh OP?
Erik30 Posted August 3, 2020 Posted August 3, 2020 18 minutes ago, kenziejane said: I would say we've seen each 8 times in the past month. This last weekend, he asked to be exclusive. Even asked if it was okay to leave his toothbrush and some other items at my house. I said of course. Seems a bit fast after a month of dating, but maybe that's just me.
Wiseman2 Posted August 3, 2020 Posted August 3, 2020 Sounds good and par for the course. Make sure you pace yourself. Enjoy the weekends but also make sure you have some freedom from everyone time.
Author kenziejane Posted August 3, 2020 Author Posted August 3, 2020 1 minute ago, Phallacy said: You’re attracted to drama. He’s too easy for you. Sadly some folks go all in and it throws water on the fire. I’ve had ‘some’ women get all gobsmacked when the courtship ends after we’ve slept together. Like I’m not supposed to expect exclusivity after sex? I’m supposed to keep winning you over, eh! They’ll sleep with you and dangle a relationship carrot for you to chase. If it’s one thing I’ve learned from dating as a man, NEVER ask for exclusive or a label. Let her ask! As soon as you ask, she’ll want you to keep winning her over. You’re gonna play with the little mouse you caught, huh OP? Whoa. This is a huge assumption you've made based on almost nothing. I disagree...I despise drama, especially after the relationship with my ex-husband and the divorce process that followed. I don't want to play with this man...I care about him and care about where this is going, which is the scary part. I wasted 8 years of my life with the wrong person. I don't think it's that out of line to be afraid of wasting more time with the wrong person, or just wasting time in general. It's the uncertainty of now knowing if I'm ready for what he can give me. It is absolutely not a craving for drama, considering I'm a grown adult and not a 22 year old out here playing games. 1
Author kenziejane Posted August 3, 2020 Author Posted August 3, 2020 4 minutes ago, Erik30 said: Seems a bit fast after a month of dating, but maybe that's just me. Personally, I felt it was also a little fast. Maybe that's part of my hesitancy? But I didn't know if it was just me or not. I know he's very interested in me, and not shy about letting me know. Which is a change of pace from other men I've tried to date who weren't so upfront about their feelings. I am worried about losing out on my freedom a little...which could also be because I don't have much of it as it is. I work full-time and am also in school studying for a master's degree. 1
Author kenziejane Posted August 3, 2020 Author Posted August 3, 2020 6 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Sounds good and par for the course. Make sure you pace yourself. Enjoy the weekends but also make sure you have some freedom from everyone time. This is good advice. I think the distance factors a little into this. The only time we can see each other is on weekends, so part of me is also afraid of giving up the little free time I have for him. I guess if I feel we need to slow down, though, I can just have that conversation with him. 1
FMW Posted August 3, 2020 Posted August 3, 2020 After you've seen someone/dated 8 times, I don't think it's premature to want to agree to be exclusive (not date or sleep with anyone else) while you see if your relationship will keep growing. It's not a long term promise, just an agreement to only date each other during this period of getting to know each other better. I think keeping a toothbrush and just basic things like that at each others' homes is just practical if you're spending nights together every week. Of course if you want to keep your options open and see what else is is out there (completely understandable only a year after your divorce), then that would explain your feelings. See how things go for the next few weeks. If you continue to have these feelings, let him know you need to take things slower, take a weekend off from each other occasionally. He may choose to move on in that case, but you need to honor your own feelings. 2
ShyViolet Posted August 3, 2020 Posted August 3, 2020 24 minutes ago, kenziejane said: so part of me is also afraid of giving up the little free time I have for him. I think this means you're not that into him. A month into dating someone, if you really like them, you'd be infatuated with them and you'd want to spend lots of time with them. If you're afraid of "wasting" time with him, and afraid of giving up your freedom and free time to spend with him, do you even like him enough to enter into an exclusive relationship? 1
Author kenziejane Posted August 3, 2020 Author Posted August 3, 2020 7 minutes ago, FMW said: After you've seen someone/dated 8 times, I don't think it's premature to want to agree to be exclusive (not date or sleep with anyone else) while you see if your relationship will keep growing. It's not a long term promise, just an agreement to only date each other during this period of getting to know each other better. I think keeping a toothbrush and just basic things like that at each others' homes is just practical if you're spending nights together every week. Of course if you want to keep your options open and see what else is is out there (completely understandable only a year after your divorce), then that would explain your feelings. See how things go for the next few weeks. If you continue to have these feelings, let him know you need to take things slower, take a weekend off from each other occasionally. He may choose to move on in that case, but you need to honor your own feelings. Thanks, this is lovely advice. I think my other problem is that I never really dated in this manner before. I was 22 when I met my ex and we'd been friends for a long time. So we just sort of fell into a relationship very easily. This is all new to me. But you're right, it is practical to just keep things at my place, especially since he does live two hours away. I honestly don't know if it's a matter of wanting to explore other options and not settle down just yet, or just a fear of letting someone in at this level. My independence is so important to me, now that I finally have it and have learned to love doing my own thing. The only time I can give him is weekends, which is hard because weekends are also my only time for myself and friends. I work a 40 hour a week job and am also in grad school studying for a master's degree. 1
Author kenziejane Posted August 3, 2020 Author Posted August 3, 2020 1 minute ago, ShyViolet said: I think this means you're not that into him. A month into dating someone, if you really like them, you'd be infatuated with them and you'd want to spend lots of time with them. If you're afraid of "wasting" time with him, and afraid of giving up your freedom and free time to spend with him, do you even like him enough to enter into an exclusive relationship? Yep, this was also my other worry. That I'm not that interested, or at least not interested on the same level as he is. I feel silly for being so conflicted and confused about it, but honestly can't tell if it's not liking him that much or just being afraid to put the walls down and let somebody in.
ShyViolet Posted August 3, 2020 Posted August 3, 2020 Just now, kenziejane said: I honestly don't know if it's a matter of wanting to explore other options and not settle down just yet, or just a fear of letting someone in at this level. My independence is so important to me, now that I finally have it and have learned to love doing my own thing. The only time I can give him is weekends, which is hard because weekends are also my only time for myself and friends. I work a 40 hour a week job and am also in grad school studying for a master's degree. Honestly, it sounds like you're not ready for a relationship right now. You owe it to him to be honest and let him know that.
Backinthesaddleagain Posted August 3, 2020 Posted August 3, 2020 21 minutes ago, kenziejane said: .....I wasted 8 years of my life with the wrong person. I don't think it's that out of line to be afraid of wasting more time with the wrong person, or just wasting time in general. It's the uncertainty of now knowing if I'm ready for what he can give me.... I think the big part of the problem is your attitude. We all make the choices we make, and we must live with the consequenses of those choices. However, you didn't "waste" 8 years with the wrong person. You spent 8 years with someone who made you happy at one point, and they helped you grow and learn about yourself and what you want from a relationship going forward. The real problem that stems from your attitude is fear; fear of the unknown and what your next relationship will bring. You are letting fear and what-ifs dictate your behavior. Never let fear control you, be the master of your own life. Love is like skydiving, the only way to do it is to jump. Drive fast, and take chances!
Ruby Slippers Posted August 3, 2020 Posted August 3, 2020 5 minutes ago, kenziejane said: The only time I can give him is weekends, which is hard because weekends are also my only time for myself and friends. I work a 40 hour a week job and am also in grad school studying for a master's degree. It's perfectly reasonable not to give a boyfriend of 1 month all your free time. How about making weekend plans with friends/yourself and doing a mini-weekend some of the time? So you're together Friday night through Sunday morning, then part ways so you have time for you and your friends, or similar. Two hours away isn't that big a deal. When I was commuting to work, I spent 2-3 hours on the road every weekday. If you're on the same page and he's right for you, he'll work with this.
Author kenziejane Posted August 3, 2020 Author Posted August 3, 2020 3 minutes ago, Backinthesaddleagain said: I think the big part of the problem is your attitude. We all make the choices we make, and we must live with the consequenses of those choices. However, you didn't "waste" 8 years with the wrong person. You spent 8 years with someone who made you happy at one point, and they helped you grow and learn about yourself and what you want from a relationship going forward. The real problem that stems from your attitude is fear; fear of the unknown and what your next relationship will bring. You are letting fear and what-ifs dictate your behavior. Never let fear control you, be the master of your own life. Love is like skydiving, the only way to do it is to jump. Drive fast, and take chances! As a notoriously anxious person, you have a great point here. I'm constantly worried about what-ifs. So I know fear is definitely one of the factors driving me here. And you're right. It wasn't a waste of time. I did love him and we were happy at one point in time, even if it didn't work out. Live and learn. 1
poppyfields Posted August 3, 2020 Posted August 3, 2020 (edited) Check out the book "He's Scared, She's Scared: The Hidden Fears that Sabotage Our Relationships." You can purchase on Amazon.com. Google it and read reviews! Great book, I learned a lot from it! It discusses fear of commitment, active fears and passive fears. The book might provide you more clarity into why you feel as you do. It's about fear, but check it out, it's not always so black and white. Edited August 3, 2020 by poppyfields
Phallacy Posted August 3, 2020 Posted August 3, 2020 Everything was fine until he brought up exclusivity. He could have kept up this arrangement for who knows how long? People want what they can’t have Psych 101
Phallacy Posted August 3, 2020 Posted August 3, 2020 Another little trick that will mess up your psyche. Giving and receiving gifts early in the dating process. If you’re settling on someone, you’ll quickly realize it after you get the gift. If feels s***tiy. If you give the gift and they get weird on ya? Well now you know they’re just not into you.
Maldives Posted August 3, 2020 Posted August 3, 2020 (edited) No I feel the same I crave a relationship then I met someone and felt all the same feelings you did. We didn't work out after two months and split and I was relieved to have that freedom back but also missing the company lol weird I finally worked it out find someone who you feel free with haha good luck Edited August 3, 2020 by Goodguy05
Maldives Posted August 3, 2020 Posted August 3, 2020 2 hours ago, kenziejane said: Whoa. This is a huge assumption you've made based on almost nothing. I disagree...I despise drama, especially after the relationship with my ex-husband and the divorce process that followed. I don't want to play with this man...I care about him and care about where this is going, which is the scary part. I wasted 8 years of my life with the wrong person. I don't think it's that out of line to be afraid of wasting more time with the wrong person, or just wasting time in general. It's the uncertainty of now knowing if I'm ready for what he can give me. It is absolutely not a craving for drama, considering I'm a grown adult and not a 22 year old out here playing games. That I think you just answered your own question Thanks for answering mine too haha you are right
chillii Posted August 4, 2020 Posted August 4, 2020 18 hours ago, kenziejane said: Whoa. This is a huge assumption you've made based on almost nothing. I disagree...I despise drama, especially after the relationship with my ex-husband and the divorce process that followed. I don't want to play with this man...I care about him and care about where this is going, which is the scary part. I wasted 8 years of my life with the wrong person. I don't think it's that out of line to be afraid of wasting more time with the wrong person, or just wasting time in general. It's the uncertainty of now knowing if I'm ready for what he can give me. It is absolutely not a craving for drama, considering I'm a grown adult and not a 22 year old out here playing games. Ha , yeah l just huh ????? , at that one too, and l mean you basically explained what the thing was and it was nothing to do with drama. At any rate , you couldn't have been single and just living for very long sounds like you were dating straight out of an 8yr thing at 30. Why didn't you just chill for a yr or two first , live you. That's the problem . 1
smackie9 Posted August 4, 2020 Posted August 4, 2020 The only reason why he's leaving a toothbrush and some shaving creme there is because of the two hour drive. He wouldn't be doing that if he was 20 mins away. He did ask you if it was OK first, probably knew that it might seem intrusive. But it doesn't mean he's moving in and taking over your life. Relax, take one day at a time. 1
Wiseman2 Posted August 4, 2020 Posted August 4, 2020 21 hours ago, kenziejane said: I'm constantly worried about what-ifs. So I know fear is definitely one of the factors driving me here. Actually quite normal. You are dating and liking it yet at the same time wondering if you are jumping in too fast or not giving yourself room to breathe after the throes of divorce. perfectly ok. After divorce there are mixed feelings. the sigh of relief, the freedom. At the same time sex, companionship ,etc are missed. That's why you have conflicting feelings manifesting as anxiety.
Crazelnut Posted August 4, 2020 Posted August 4, 2020 So. Much. Drama. You're overthinking this. He asked you to be exclusive and you said yes. No problem there. It just means you won't be dating anyone else. It isn't a summons to spend all your time with him. Surely he doesn't expect that? He asked to leave toiletries at your place because ... distance. This is a practical matter that makes sense given the geography and need to drive. It doesn't mean he's moving in or spending all weekend at your place. It just means that on the nights he stays over, it's easier. It is up to YOU to establish your boundaries and stick with them. See him how much YOU want to see him. If that's 2 nights a week, that's it. Be kind but firm and learn to say no. It's perfectly fine to need time for yourself. This relationship can help you figure out how much that really is, btw.
Author kenziejane Posted August 4, 2020 Author Posted August 4, 2020 I appreciate the responses. I think I'll probably end up calling this off. Don't really think I'm in the right headspace for this right now and something about our chemistry is off if I'm not clamoring to see him and spend time with him after a month. Clearly, I still have some work to do. 1
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