In relationship with Woman I cheated with, miss old GF

[avalon_guy]

This is my first time ever posting on a public forum, and I am sorry if it as not as concise as everyone cares it to be. I am not suffering from any type of cognitive disorder, I am currently practicing, I am not concerned about the ex, and my current gf is terrific. I posted to receive advice or different points of view from people who do not know me. My friends and family will tell me what I want to hear. 
 

there are pros and cons with both females..I now see how I treated ex and know it was not well...she will call it “Ghosting”, she accused me of this as it was occurring. Our relationship was full of bad memories, most caused by me and my reaction to what life was handing me as a single father. Hindsight being 20/20, I should have had superficial relationship relationships during those years. I knew she was a “long term” person, and I did make commitments. Then the relationship became boring, the sex issue concurrently with my child being a teenager....no enjoyment for me. I had issues with my wife about sex, and I projected those onto her. I realize she was trying, now. And now is too late.

so upon meeting GF, she was everything ex was not...which I have described before. It is not in my nature to be so obvious on social media, and this is basically how ex found out. Which is poor behavior on my part. More than poor. Ex dressed nice, and introduced me to certain brands which were nice and age appropriate. Good quality. I cannot wear the shoes she gave me as a Christmas present. They will remind me of her, she randomly found the brand. 
 

Maybe I am having a late midlife crisis. Gf is a lot of what I want, and we are 15 minutes apart, we know the same people. Yet, she is not ex. Never will be,, never will truly love me with her whole heart. I realize I am better than her ex husbands(you are probably wondering how). 
 

I blocked ex. She is not calling me at work or leaving me voicemails. She is radio silent. If I contact her, what do I communicate? “I am sorry” is not enough. She was my best friend. This is not good long term. 
 

Thank you. Try to give an older guy a chance. 

[Fox Sake]

29 minutes ago, avalon_guy said:

This is my first time ever posting on a public forum, and I am sorry if it as not as concise as everyone cares it to be. I am not suffering from any type of cognitive disorder, I am currently practicing, I am not concerned about the ex, and my current gf is terrific. I posted to receive advice or different points of view from people who do not know me. My friends and family will tell me what I want to hear. 
 

there are pros and cons with both females..I now see how I treated ex and know it was not well...she will call it “Ghosting”, she accused me of this as it was occurring. Our relationship was full of bad memories, most caused by me and my reaction to what life was handing me as a single father. Hindsight being 20/20, I should have had superficial relationship relationships during those years. I knew she was a “long term” person, and I did make commitments. Then the relationship became boring, the sex issue concurrently with my child being a teenager....no enjoyment for me. I had issues with my wife about sex, and I projected those onto her. I realize she was trying, now. And now is too late.

so upon meeting GF, she was everything ex was not...which I have described before. It is not in my nature to be so obvious on social media, and this is basically how ex found out. Which is poor behavior on my part. More than poor. Ex dressed nice, and introduced me to certain brands which were nice and age appropriate. Good quality. I cannot wear the shoes she gave me as a Christmas present. They will remind me of her, she randomly found the brand. 
 

Maybe I am having a late midlife crisis. Gf is a lot of what I want, and we are 15 minutes apart, we know the same people. Yet, she is not ex. Never will be,, never will truly love me with her whole heart. I realize I am better than her ex husbands(you are probably wondering how). 
 

I blocked ex. She is not calling me at work or leaving me voicemails. She is radio silent. If I contact her, what do I communicate? “I am sorry” is not enough. She was my best friend. This is not good long term. 
 

Thank you. Try to give an older guy a chance. 

There’s no need to be sorry.  I’m sure your ego has taken some what of a beating in this thread but I’m afraid that’s just the price to pay for realising you’re past mistakes. We all make them. We are only human.  Believe it or not , we all suffer from something , all have something new to learn about ourselves, but you have to be aware of that instead of thinking there’s nothing wrong with you. With age tends to come a “set in my ways” mindset. Something I’ve noticed with my parents generation- a generation that isn’t willing to grow anymore mentally.  There clearly is an issue by the way you behaved and the way you feel now.  
At least you’re willing to reflect on the mistakes  and hopefully learn from them, and forgive yourself in time for making them. 

you say the new gf is everything you want , then conflict yourself by showing you’re still hooked up on the ex. It’s not a mid life crisis , it’s just learning to deal with your emotions - that’s a life journey, and more than likely realising you’re not ready to be In another relationship yet,  because you haven’t dealt with the last one yet. If you had you would be over the ex and looking for her best parts in someone new. It’s catching up with you now...

it’s obvious you want to reach out to the ex.  How’s that going to make your current partner feel if she found out? You’re about to make the same mistakes all over again. I would like to tell you that if it was going to work with the ex you would be back together or wouldn’t have left, but I think right now it’s just a matter of time before you do reach out to her. So I’ll leave you with the advice that if you do reach out, then just be honest. The truth really does set you free. 

Edited August 6, 2020 by Fox Sake
why is autocorrect so brutal!

[avalon_guy]

Thank you Fox.

I honestly think I never resolved my feelings over my very bad marriage and carried the anger into the relationship with ex. She did state she was paying for anger which should not have been directed at her. 
 

We were both set in our ways, and since in my opinion I bent over backwards and walked in my hands just to semi please wife, I was not going to do it for another woman. Ex would practically beg me to “be nice” to her. Everyone thinks I am nice, but I was not to her. Nor my child. 
 

New GF is what I thought I wanted, last summer, and earlier...I am not so sure. It is not just physical...both are attractive in different ways. When I stated to ex I was going through a depressed period, she was willing to do anything to help me. Knowing someone for ten years is a long time, and she was also a friend.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

I think within the next year or so, you will find yourself without either of these women in your life. 

 

[assertives]

Well, we all can't change the past, but we can still make better choices moving forward. Your energy is better spent cultivating your relationship with your current girlfriend. As for your ex, 10 years is a damn long time, and it's probably too much water under the bridge now. You've repeatedly said she always had your back, but did you ever have hers? What were you bringing to the table in that relationship? You weren't even willing to help her find a physician using your network. The best, kindest, and nicest gesture or perhaps last act of love towards your ex is to leave her alone and let her heal, so that someday she too can have a chance at finding her own happiness someone who will have her back as much as she is willing to look out for her partner.

[elaine567]

24 minutes ago, assertives said:

The best, kindest, and nicest gesture or perhaps last act of love towards your ex is to leave her alone and let her heal, so that someday she too can have a chance at finding her own happiness someone who will have her back as much as she is willing to look out for her partner.

Agreed.
OP you are not thinking about her and what is best for her,  you just want to assuage your own guilt

We had another poster who acknowledged he treated his OW badly when he ended it and returned to his marriage.
He broke her heart as he had led her to believe they would be together one day
Years later he realised she was fighting probably terminal cancer and he wanted to reach out and help.
EVERYONE told him leave the poor woman alone, but he didn't listen.
He contacted her, she refused his help, and she was devastated, hurt  and upset all over again.
He did it to assuage his own quilt, not worrying about the bad effect it would have on her...

Best to just let sleeping dogs lie.

[avalon_guy]

I honestly think COVID and the shut down honestly set me back and make me vulnerable to GF..I was so lonely and bored. Ex was a nurse & possibly exposed.

Last year at this time, I never wanted a life without her.

I never had her back the way she wanted....she wanted everyone wants in a relationship, to be special, to be safe, be loved. I do not think I did a good job....then after the cheating, forget it. She was so hurt. I did stab her in the back. She was easy going about being with my male friends. I always heard “ have a great time” and she never wanted to tag along, never resented time with my friends. 
 

I still love her.

[assertives]

You were not good for her, and you were unable to love her the way she deserves to be loved, and for the person that she is. If you still love her, then resolve to do something right at least for once. That is, to leave her alone. Again, focus on your current relationship, and grow and cultivate it. 

[avalon_guy]

I have had another  “female in the wings”, my entire life. Reading this indicates a lot of things about my personality and insecurities. The details do not matter..it is a repetitive pattern. Ex said “you are too lazy to be on your own, and will go with th first semi attractive female who pays you attention “. She is correct in my past and present.

I my mind I am confused about what I want, what is fair, why I am this way. I unable to share this with my guy friends. 
 

I do want Ex back. I will hurt GF because we have made us so public. And I do not think ex will even speak to me. What is important to me, others thinking I am getting sex or my gf is sexy,  OR being with someone I know loves me and stood by me during trying times?

Should I start a new thread? Help an older guy out. 

[schlumpy]

I don't see you changing your pattern even if you desire to do so.

Stay with the flow and make sure you are doing with like minded people to minimize the damage you do.

[healing light]

I am a big person on apologies for peace of mind for both parties involved.

So, that being said, I don't see there being anything wrong with you apologizing to your ex and taking accountability for the first time in that relationship by letting her know you know you did her wrong. Some say this will reopen the wounds, but I think it may help her heal and stop searching for any kind of validation (usually people only hang onto this kind of one-sided relationship because their boundaries are weak, their self-esteem is poor, and they are subconsciously seeking to heal a childhood wound by looking for validation in a person who is incapable of giving it to them through the recreation of the parental dynamics that were present back then, imo). 

So, you know you messed up. You know you weren't fair to her and you projected onto her and didn't treat her the way she deserved. I think it's fine to acknowledge that in a nice email or letter with a formal apology, but also do not expect 1. A response and 2. A positive response if you get one. Also, I would only write it if your intention is sincere and not to try to feel her out for reconciliation, because I think it's best to allow her to process it in the way that she needs to than complicate things when you haven't been through enough growth yet to be a good partner to her. You said yourself you don't even know what you want.

Then, I would acknowledge that things with your current girlfriend are what they are. She is not your ex. She is very likely not long-term. She is the kind of woman you have a fun fling with and then part ways, unless all you want is FWB, from everything you have detailed here. The longer you stay in denial about this, the more painful it will be for all parties involved, unless superficial is all you want.

And, btw, a lot of our posters here are older and full of wisdom. This board in general is not "ageist" and I know I definitely appreciate the life experience that they have to contribute in their posts.

[kendahke]

On 8/8/2020 at 8:35 AM, avalon_guy said:

Should I start a new thread?

Actually, making an appointment with a therapist would gain you more substantial results. We're not therapists here and that's what you need to get through this emotional minefield without blowing off a limb.