I lost of the love of my life and 6 months later I am still hurting so bad

[DesireeUgottabe]

This was my first serious relationship at 33. We were together 3 years. Lived together for almost 2. My naivety/inexperience plus taking him for granted led me to make some poor decisions and mistakes. The first of which was not taking enough action at the time to fix our sex life. I have endometriosis and had tried in different ways to get surgery, but insurance was a huge roadblock. Still, I could have explored other options, like found out about the pelvic PT sooner.
 

By the time he expressed that he was considering breaking up with me I already had an apt scheduled w my gyno prior, so used that opportunity  talked to my her about how the pain with sex had severely impacted our sex life and my boyfriend was considering breaking up with me over it. Like it was non-existent for a year.

He had also been inflexible and unwilling to try different things too, and whenever I would ask him or say there is no way you can be okay with this he would assure me that he’s at the point in his life where Bc of all the toxic relationships our healthy relationship was more important than that, and I stupidly believed him. I think he was fooling himself maybe too, but he was also very overwhelmed with working full time and being in nursing school full time so all of his energy was going into that.

The second issue, what caused the demise was that he thought our future goals and values no longer aligned. I was planning on going to PA school and as I said, he was in nursing school, in the beginning of the relationship he had told me how one thing that really attracted him to me was my ambition and drive.
 

Last September I suddenly quit my job working as a PCT at a hospital without telling him, and I told him I no longer wanted to be a PA, but I didn’t have a solid career path. I started teaching English online as an IC and that was good and all but not a career bc of the instability. I think this must be been an incredible disappointment and shock to him, but again he didn’t bring it up. He later told me he had considered breaking up with me at that time but I just quit my job so he didn’t wanna leave me in a bad spot. My fears and anxieties, my perfectionism and thinking worst case scenarios had made me so negative that nothing he or my mom could say or do could convince me otherwise to push through and still apply to schools. I was just not mentality in a strong place and convinced myself I just wasn’t suited/cut out for the profession. That it would be too stressful, too much responsibility, and scary and what if I failed...and on and on. I don’t think he had the energy to deal with it (Bc having too much on his plate) or just ignored how much it bothered him.

In December I was in this slump and floundering. I wasn’t happy with myself and I wasn’t taking care of myself or exercising either, and I’m sure this further diminished his attraction towards me. Also during that month his brother who had been a drug addict, and OD’d  before, successfully committed suicide, and while he had told me he wouldn’t be surprised when one day he was successful, of course he was in pain and hurting. He further turned away from me, didn’t want me to go to the funeral and distanced himself. He had finished nursing school but still had to study for the licensing test so he was doing that throughout  December and the first few weeks of Jan. He already had a job lined up at a hospital he had been working at.

After he passed his test he broke up with citing that our paths had diverged and the last year of our relationship felt more like a friendship. It’s like all of these feelings he had been keeping from couldn’t be denied anymore. There were a few days between when he broached the subject, the end of January, and when he broke up with me February 1st. And that time I was doing everything in my power to fix things.

At my gynecologist appointment I got a referral for a pelvic PT and was going to that as well as doing Bikram yoga. I was desperate to show him I could fix these things. As a side note another reason that I think I was OK with going without sex for so long was because I was on a antidepressant as well so it affected my libido. I think at that point he was just turned off for me and didn’t think our lifestyles were compatible. When I asked him what caused the finality of his decision he said that opportunity came up at work to move in with someone else and he took it as a sign.

My question is I’ve done some soul-searching and realized I do really want to be a PA and my conviction to be one is so much stronger now. I just want him to know how much I’ve grown and learned from this and because we got along so well and did truly love each other I think we could fix things. I just don’t know how to approach it. He was still showing affection and calling me babe at times during the break up because I think he felt conflicted, and he gave me a long kiss on the lips before he left, so I think he still did have an attraction and feelings for me at that time, but since then he’s given no indication he’d be interested in fixing anything. He told me in order not to resent me during the relationship he had to turn off those sexual feelings towards me and that was one of the reasons we couldn’t work on it.

Is this possible? Or do you think he was just saying that because that was something I couldn't argue with? I am in a much better place now and moving forward with applying to several PA schools with such a tenacity. I only wish he knew that our lifestyles/values were compatible and in sync again, and I would reaffirm that with the pelvic PT we could get our sex life back again.

What can I do? Is it too late? Were my missteps so great that there’s no chance? I’ve had lots of regrets and self blame over this, even to the point of self loathing at times. I can’t forgive myself for possibly ruining the best thing that ever happened to me. I just want to let him know I’m still that person he fell in love with, and personality wise we were very compatible. We had the same sense of humor and truly enjoyed each others company so much, but looking back on it, I can see signs he wasn’t happy those last few months of the relationship and I know my behavior disappointing him and turned him off. I’ve learned and grown from that.

Do you think there’s any possibility he could give me another chance, or if not how do I forgive myself and move on? If you’ve stuck with  my story long enough to get here, I really appreciate it.

Edited August 2, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs

[Mystery4u]

Your keyboard has an enter button to create paragraphs. Use it.

As for the issue, what is done is done. Things would never be the same even if you were to get back together.

Learn from this and grow so you are ready for your next relationship. You feel like he is the only love of your life right now, but with more time you will realise there are a lot of other people even better suited to you out there.

[DesireeUgottabe]

Yeah, I copied and pasted. Thanks for the advice. I know you are right.

[DesireeUgottabe]

Do you think that he was being truthful when he said that in order not to resent me during the relationship he had to turn off those sexual feelings towards me and that was one of the reasons we couldn’t work on it?

[DesireeUgottabe]

Another thing was, when I asked him why he didn't tell me his feelings sooner. He said he felt bad because he knew it was a medical problem and it didn't seem there was anything I could do about it, because he knew I had been trying in various ways. Insurance in America sucks. I had had one surgery but couldn't get a second with a specialist. There are none in the state I live in, and my insurance would not cover out of state. I think he also worried about hurting me, because one time back in 2017, only a couple months into the relationship after we had sex I ended up in the hospital, and stayed for a few nights. He stayed with me then. We were able to get back on track after that but obviously not for long enough.

[kendahke]

All of the questions you posed can only be answered by him.  We're not in his head, so we can't tell you what kind of chances you have.

To him, it may just look like you've done all of this only to get him back and not really for your own good---and that's going to take longer, with consistent day in/day out behavior to prove that you are getting healthier for you.

The only thing you can do it rebuilt your own life; exhibit independence and self sufficiency on a consistent basis and perhaps he may notice---and if he doesn't, someone else who will work with you and have more patience with you may materialize. At the very least, at least you won't be at the mercy of some man for a place to lay your head at night.

[kendahke]

21 minutes ago, DesireeUgottabe said:

Do you think that he was being truthful when he said that in order not to resent me during the relationship he had to turn off those sexual feelings towards me and that was one of the reasons we couldn’t work on it?

Yes. What reason would he have to lie about that? Don't forget you started this thread out with saying:

Quote

plus taking him for granted

 No one likes being taken for granted--it cheapens one's esteem and once one puts two and two together, it leaves a very bad taste in one's mouth.

 

[DesireeUgottabe]

I wouldn’t so much say I took him as a person for granted. I was very supportive, thoughtful and devoted to him. He even said I “stuck by him throughout one of the most challenging periods of his life,” and that I was a “really amazing and supportive partner” but I didn’t put the work into the relationship that I needed to, in ways that were important to him. I can’t believe how stupid I was to think that he was actually telling me the truth about sex.

[assertives]

6 hours ago, DesireeUgottabe said:

Do you think that he was being truthful when he said that in order not to resent me during the relationship he had to turn off those sexual feelings towards me and that was one of the reasons we couldn’t work on it?

I kinda read the turning off sexual feelings part as seeing you as a friend rather than a partner. In other words, he friendzoned you so it'll help him not resent you for not meeting his needs/wants from a partner. We tend to have lesser expectations and needs from a friend than from a partner. In that light, I guess it makes sense why he said you guys couldn't work on it because that made him no longer see you as a partner, but a friend. The residual feelings and affection is probably one towards a dear old friend than a lifelong partner.

I do think it's too late to get him back. You are better off working on those meaningful changes for yourself rather than to prove something to someone else. 

Edited August 2, 2020 by assertives

[DesireeUgottabe]

Yes, I think you were right. At one point he said it was more like an “affectionate friendship,”Bc we would still cuddle, hug and kiss on the lips.

 I hate myself for being so dumb. I’ve lost him forever, my favorite person. My sunshine. 

[DesireeUgottabe]

Thank you.

[DesireeUgottabe]

Thank you.  

I will try to move past this, and focus on my self, and my future. It just hurts my heart so much sometimes I can’t help but beat myself up for not being smarter and making better decisions. I think I will live at the wound the rest of my life. 

Edited August 2, 2020 by DesireeUgottabe
Spelling

[ExpatInItaly]

I think all the external stressors finally took their toll, and you two grew apart as a couple. 

Relationships will die when they're not nurtured. That is what happened here, and yes, it likely is too late now. Feelings change and sometimes it's better to part ways so you can eventually find a more compatible partner for yourselves. 

[snowcones]

10 hours ago, DesireeUgottabe said:

in the beginning of the relationship he had told me how one thing that really attracted him to me was my ambition and drive.

Here was your first red flag. Anytime a guy tells you this, he doesn't love you and isn't going to.  He is the male equivalent of a goal digger.  Not totally in the sense that he's using you to pay his way (even though sometimes that happens) but in the sense that he is focused too much on money.  Money is an important part of relationships, but when one focuses too much on that, then one overlooks other things they should be looking for, like attraction, sex, friendship, compatibility, empathy, sacrifice.  Focusing on money also makes you put up with things that you wouldn't normally put up with, because of the financial gain.  These days it's not uncommon for men to say this gawdy thing to a woman over 30.  They haven't realized yet that it's a terrible thing to say.  A good meaning man would focus more on a woman's meaningful (non-monetized) passions if he wants to avoid talking about the physical.  Anyway, take this as a lesson to avoid any man who says he likes your ambition and drive or that you have a good career.  He's not going to love you for the right reasons and you're going to feel it if you're not Oprah Winfrey or some super career-focused woman that doesn't have the time or desire to notice anything else around her.

In short, you picked a bad one, ma'am. (and your problems only exacerbated that)

Edited August 2, 2020 by snowcones

[DesireeUgottabe]

I respectfully disagree. He did love me. He loved more about me than just that. That was just one of the things he told me that made him was attracted to me. 

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear that. Focus on your physical and mental health right now. Did you move back home? It seems like you may do better in a more supportive environment.

He seems to have too many issues of his own to be a good partner. 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, snowcones said:

Here was your first red flag. Anytime a guy tells you this, he doesn't love you and isn't going to.  He is the male equivalent of a goal digger. 

I think you mean gold digger. 

And it's not true that a man who admires a woman's ambition and drive does not and will not love her. Where did you get this whacky idea? 

It's also quite a leap to assume a man who respects those qualities in a woman is necessarily a gold digger. There are plenty who genuinely mean it without seeing dollar signs. Let's give men a little more credit here and not make sweeping generalizations. 

Edited August 2, 2020 by ExpatInItaly

[snowcones]

4 hours ago, DesireeUgottabe said:

I respectfully disagree. He did love me. He loved more about me than just that. That was just one of the things he told me that made him was attracted to me. 

If he was attracted to you for more than that reason then that's good, but if it was just that reason, meaning, that's the first or only thing he comes up with when asked, then it's bad news.

[d0nnivain]

Your EX sounds like a good guy.  He liked you.  He supported you.  He had a lousy thing happen to him with his brother's death.  That has to be eating at him.  

Unfortunately there were many trials & tribulations in your relationships.  You had a medical condition.  He didn't know that.  He thought you were rejecting him.  You went through something & it made you lose confidence in yourself, then you threw the pieces of your life up in the air.  He must have been shocked by that but he stood by you.  He wanted to break up a while back but stuck around because he was too nice to kick you when you were down.  

You have rediscovered your drive & passion around becoming a PA.  Do that.  Follow that dream.  I suspect that a better long term partner will materialize along that road.  

[salparadise]

OP, it sounds like he really tried and wanted things to work out... even to the point of trying adjust by by suppressing his need for physical intimacy. And it didn't work. I know you have (or had) a medical condition, but unfortunately that did not neutralize his needs.

I try to be careful with generalizations, but here is one with few exceptions... and that is that sex is fundamental to romantic relationships, and if the sex isn't good and abundant before marriage, then the chances of it becoming a forever relationship are slim to none. Many an otherwise good marriage has declined and ended due to mismatched sex drives, or one partner losing interest in sex (even though loving their spouse). From a man's perspective, a sex life is not optional. It's an exceptionally strong physical and emotional need, and from a wholistic perspective a person will not thrive if it's being denied. The fact that it wasn't your fault doesn't change that equation.

[DesireeUgottabe]

1 hour ago, d0nnivain said:

You had a medical condition.  He didn't know that.  He thought you were rejecting him. 

So I do agree with a lot of what you are saying,  just want to clarify he did know about the medical condition. I further elaborated about that in the comments. It was just that he felt it was wrong to make me feel bad about something I didn't have control over, when I was really trying to get the surgery I needed, but kept hitting obstacles.

[DesireeUgottabe]

6 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Did you move back home? It seems like you may do better in a more supportive environment.

Yes, I definitely would be doing better. If I was closer to my support system: family and friends. My dad was my only connection to where I lived and he passed away 3 years ago. I have a couple good friends here, but they have partners and they are being ultra cautious about COVID, which I understand but it means I can't really lean on them like I would like to be able to.

 

 

[DesireeUgottabe]

1 hour ago, salparadise said:

OP, it sounds like he really tried and wanted things to work out... even to the point of trying adjust by by suppressing his need for physical intimacy. And it didn't work. I know you have (or had) a medical condition, but unfortunately that did not neutralize his needs.

I try to be careful with generalizations, but here is one with few exceptions... and that is that sex is fundamental to romantic relationships, and if the sex isn't good and abundant before marriage, then the chances of it becoming a forever relationship are slim to none. Many an otherwise good marriage has declined and ended due to mismatched sex drives, or one partner losing interest in sex (even though loving their spouse). From a man's perspective, a sex life is not optional. It's an exceptionally strong physical and emotional need, and from a wholistic perspective a person will not thrive if it's being denied. The fact that it wasn't your fault doesn't change that equation.

Yes, he did really love me and care for me deeply. I think that is why he stayed in the relationship so long. He even told me during the break-up that "this is not easy, I will miss you so much, and always treasure our time together." We had a strong bond, and our affection and personality compatibility was strong. We supported and loved each other. We were both attentive and sensitive to each other's emotional needs. We could be silly together and blow off steam making each other laugh. I did however, just realized today that that part of our relationship, the affectionate part, cuddling on the couch and just having quality time together in the evenings. We couldn't have that because of my teaching job (in Dec) at least, I was teaching nights and early mornings so we didn't have our evening time together. I'm sure that contributed because he stated that "we were both extremely busy." In the past I was able to work my schedule around his so I could be there when he was off from school/work but the teaching put a damper on that for sure. 

[Noproblem]

He is not the love of your life. 

He is not in the picture any more.

 

He moved on and so should you, stop chickening out and being afraid to be in pa school!

What is there to be afraid of?

Go study and make something for yourself instead of crying over a guy who you can't even have sex with! who didn't even let you go to his brother's funeral! 

Fix yourself first! Your health conditions and also your goals!

Stop crying over someone who is not there any more. 

He run away from you and that was that!

 

Edited August 3, 2020 by Noproblem

[DesireeUgottabe]

3 hours ago, Noproblem said:

He is not the love of your life. 

He is not in the picture any more.

 

He moved on and so should you, stop chickening out and being afraid to be in pa school!

What is there to be afraid of?

Go study and make something for yourself instead of crying over a guy who you can't even have sex with! who didn't even let you go to his brother's funeral! 

Fix yourself first! Your health conditions and also your goals!

Stop crying over someone who is not there any more. 

He run away from you and that was that!

 

You make some good points. He is gone, and I need to work on myself to fix my issues. I am in the process of applying to PA school.