Destiny09 Posted August 1, 2020 Posted August 1, 2020 Started a new post and not sure if correct or not. But, here it goes. Met with AP tonight. He said he wants to stop all physical contact between us. He still wants us to see each other and “just talk” until he figures out what he wants to do with “us”, me , and that he has a GF. I respect that he wants to do what is right. My question is: do I still see him on “friend terms”? Or do I cut it off now? I feel like I am headed down the road of being hurt; badly. He says he needs time to decide what to do (I assume break up with GF or stay with her and dump me). He says that he loves me and doesn’t want to stop seeing me; just us, but no physical contact( no kissing, touching...we have not had sex). How do I take this? What should I do? I told him I agree that what we are doing is wrong. We should not be physical with each other. But, we are emotionally connected. Maybe we should both not see/talk until he figures out what he wants to do. I know what I am doing; in process of divorce (not for him, it was started before we connected).
Wiseman2 Posted August 1, 2020 Posted August 1, 2020 Sorry to hear that . Seems like he wants to pretend it's not an affair.
DKT3 Posted August 1, 2020 Posted August 1, 2020 Yeah, it sounds like he isn't leaving his girlfriend. My question is, what's the reality check? Funny thing, seems like we always hear the same lines coming from Married women in affairs. Divorce before I ever met my new boyfriend...almost always false. In what little you've posted, there seems to be a lot of denial and selective blindness. 1
Author Destiny09 Posted August 1, 2020 Author Posted August 1, 2020 I posted most of my back ground previously. I met him “after” I started process of divorce. We were somewhat acquainted before; in the same circle of friends. I was thinking the same thing... he isn’t leaving his GF. And just needs time to admit this to me; that he wants his GF over me. I have been giving him pressure to “figure it out”. My question is: do I wait and hang with him until he “figures it out”? Of course he still wants me around; as friends. Close friends. Still meeting alone, but only as friends. This is what he told me. He needs time. Do I hang out with him still? Yes, I love him and he says he loves me too. We agreed that this is wrong and we need to both be not attached to another person. So, do we still talk? See each other? OR do I start the NC? confused as to what to do? I thought I would be the one to say “can’t do this” . But, he came to me and said he can’t do this and needs time from our physical contact; but still wants me nearby while he figures it out about what he wants to do. He says that it’s not just our “situation” but he has issues with his business too(that part I know is true... business has been bad). He wants to still see me and I want to as well; as emotional connected. No physical; while he decides if he leaves or stays with his GF.
Wiseman2 Posted August 1, 2020 Posted August 1, 2020 If you are hoping to land in his arms when you're divorce is final, you're going to get hurt.
ExpatInItaly Posted August 1, 2020 Posted August 1, 2020 5 hours ago, Destiny09 said: My question is: do I wait and hang with him until he “figures it out”? Of course he still wants me around; as friends. Close friends. Still meeting alone, but only as friends. This is what he told me. He needs time. Do I hang out with him still? Absolutely, unequivocally no. Stop letting him treat you like this. Stop enabling him to be a giant doosh canoe. He isn't going to "figure things out" with you lurking around in the wings. What's probably happened is that his girlfriend is suspicious of him and he wants to wait until that passes before getting physical with you again. Don't assume he's telling you the truth about this hiatus being about time to figure things out. I would believe that if he wanted to cut all ties with you, but he doesn't - he wants to keep you warm until he's ready to cheat again. And what would be getting if he did decide to leave her and come to you? A dude who you know is not honest, not loyal, and extremely self-serving. A dude who is completely two-faced. A dude who is far more concerned about meeting his own needs than those of his partner. A relationship with him would send your anxiety through the roof because you know exactly what he is capable of, and you'd be kidding yourself if you think you wouldn't start to panic every time he's a little late coming home from work. A little too distracted on his phone. A little distant after spending time with his "friends." This guy is a right piece of work. I hope you see that someday. 7
Beca L Posted August 1, 2020 Posted August 1, 2020 27 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: And what would be getting if he did decide to leave her and come to you? A dude who you know is not honest, not loyal, and extremely self-serving. A dude who is completely two-faced. A dude who is far more concerned about meeting his own needs than those of his partner. A relationship with him would send your anxiety through the roof because you know exactly what he is capable of, and you'd be kidding yourself if you think you wouldn't start to panic every time he's a little late coming home from work. A little too distracted on his phone. A little distant after spending time with his "friends." This guy is a right piece of work. I hope you see that someday. This is so true and I completely agree. Move on and walk away. He will never be the partner you want, need or deserve. He has already proven that he is a liar and a cheat, he is self entitled, self obsessed, deceitful and totally untrustworthy. I realise what we are telling you to do is very hard but remember we have all been there and we know how this works. If you do want to keep pursuing him then you must go NC ASAP. He will not make a decision to leave whilst he has you lurking around on the back burner. You deserve better than this. Don’t put him on any kind of pedestal. He really doesn’t deserve it and he’s not worth it. 1 1
SS2855 Posted August 1, 2020 Posted August 1, 2020 (edited) 6 hours ago, Destiny09 said: I have been giving him pressure to “figure it out”. My question is: do I wait and hang with him until he “figures it out”? Do you in your heart want to be in a position where you are waiting for this man to “figure out” if you are worth it?? That is basically what he’s saying to you- “Let me think about whether or not you’re actually more valuable than the broad I have now- I’m not quite sure yet. Cool?”. Edited August 1, 2020 by SS2855 2
elaine567 Posted August 1, 2020 Posted August 1, 2020 I just don't understand the mindset of being in an option pile. If a guy doesn't choose you above every one else, then it is time to walk. If he is not sure now when things are new and shiny, then he is not going to be sure 6 months/six years down the line when the gloss wears off. You need a guy who is all in, not someone who is not sure if he wants you or not. Even with the "all in" guy it can all turn pear-shaped, but with the "not sure" guy I doubt it will ever work... This is about you choosing the guy you want but not taking into consideration as to whether he really really wants you. This guy is not hot for you, he is lukewarm. The forum is full of women wanting and hankering after lukewarm men. 4
Ruby Slippers Posted August 1, 2020 Posted August 1, 2020 15 minutes ago, elaine567 said: The forum is full of women wanting and hankering after lukewarm men. I really don't get it. Nothing turns me off faster, both physically and emotionally, than a halfhearted guy. It seems so humiliating to stick around for this like some stray puppy hoping for the slightest scrap of attention. I can only guess that low self-worth is extremely pervasive. 2
BaileyB Posted August 1, 2020 Posted August 1, 2020 (edited) 9 hours ago, Destiny09 said: He said he wants to stop all physical contact between us. He still wants us to see each other and “just talk” until he figures out what he wants to do with “us”, me , and that he has a GF. Well, whether you agree to this or not depends on whether you want to enable him to be in a relationship where he gets exactly what he wants (companionship), and you get absolutely nothing that you want. Indefinitely. Your choice. Quote I agree that what we are doing is wrong. We should not be physical with each other. But, we are emotionally connected. Meaning, you can’t be friends. You can’t be friends with a guy you have had sex with and continue to share an emotional connection. It’s just not going to work, it’s the road to heartache... It’s like trying to row a boat upstream, it’s not going to happen. He wants a friend and companion, an emotional affair partner... while you want a boyfriend, and you think that if you hang in long enough under the guise of “friend” he will want the same thing. Not a good decision. You want to force his hand, tell him that you are out. You don’t agree to be his emotional crutch while he decides which woman HE loves more. Say NO. Edited August 1, 2020 by BaileyB 1
BaileyB Posted August 1, 2020 Posted August 1, 2020 24 minutes ago, elaine567 said: The forum is full of women wanting and hankering after lukewarm men. And the sad truth is - no man is that special. No man is worth wasting your time, emotional energy, and you self worth this way... especially not one who is lukewarm or ambivalent about a woman. 2
BaileyB Posted August 1, 2020 Posted August 1, 2020 2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said: And what would be getting if he did decide to leave her and come to you? A dude who you know is not honest, not loyal, and extremely self-serving. A dude who is completely two-faced. A dude who is far more concerned about meeting his own needs than those of his partner. A relationship with him would send your anxiety through the roof because you know exactly what he is capable of, and you'd be kidding yourself if you think you wouldn't start to panic every time he's a little late coming home from work. A little too distracted on his phone. A little distant after spending time with his "friends." This guy is a piece of work. In other words, she is jumping from one selfish man, and one unhealthy relationship, to another.
Hedgehog73 Posted August 1, 2020 Posted August 1, 2020 I don’t know is there is really anything to “cut” off. It seems he did that already, for whatever reason. My guess is he has a reason he just isn’t telling you the full story. I would go with it and start doing your own thing . You’re single so go enjoy it. Don’t be tied down to this guy , he can’t give you what you need but there are many many single men who can! Go find them , don’t tell him anything just pull back and go enjoy life. 1
mark clemson Posted August 1, 2020 Posted August 1, 2020 10 hours ago, Destiny09 said: My question is: do I still see him on “friend terms”? Or do I cut it off now? I feel like I am headed down the road of being hurt; badly. Speaking in terms of probabilities, I'd say your gut sense is correct. It could go either way, and I could certainly be wrong, but this seems to me like step one of a slow fade.
Redhead14 Posted August 1, 2020 Posted August 1, 2020 (edited) I wouldn't put myself on hold for anyone especially someone who is trying to decide if he wants me or not. Why are you giving him this kind of power over you? Tell him you're moving on and make it easy for him. Frankly, he took physical relations off the table, which is kinda commendable, but is an indicator that you've been downgraded to friend. I don't recommend trying to maintain a friendship when you know in your heart of hearts that you want more. You'll always have that in the back of your mind. Eventually, you will become resentful. This scenario doesn't often work out well for the downgraded party. Usually, when a guy puts you on the back burner like this and the woman accepts that, he's kinda thinking you'll be around for sex when he decides he wants that and it's convenient for him. Accepting that is an indicator that you're willing to be a doormat. Edited August 1, 2020 by Redhead14 3
BaileyB Posted August 1, 2020 Posted August 1, 2020 1 minute ago, Redhead14 said: I wouldn't put myself on hold for anyone especially someone who is trying to decide if he wants me or not. Frankly, he took physical relations off the table, but is an indicator that you've been downgraded to friend. This scenario doesn't often work out well for the downgraded party. Absolutely agree with this. Well said. 1
Pastypop Posted August 2, 2020 Posted August 2, 2020 Let him come begging back to you single of course! If he doesn’t it’s no big deal. Go out, have fun and live your life without him in it. 2
Luna66star Posted August 2, 2020 Posted August 2, 2020 He wants to place you on the backburner as the GF is getting suspicious. I would feel totally humiliated if a man tried to "manage down my expectations" in this manner, which is what he is doing. Out of self-respect, I would tell him goodbye and refuse to be strung along. He has not asked you to be his GF, that's all you need to know. Staying friends with a man you have been intimate with will keep you "hopeful" and hanging on. Misery & heartache will follow. This man has no idea what he wants. Wish him good luck and move on with your life. Certainly don't waste any more of your time on a waffling cheater. 3
Author Destiny09 Posted August 6, 2020 Author Posted August 6, 2020 Just an update (I know it doesn’t change things; no harsh judgement on me personally please). I am seeing a therapist. I talked with AP this weekend to get more clarification as to why the drop in being physical now; however, We never had sex. AP says he is feeling guilty; but still wants to see me and hang out. The “fooling around” is giving him guilt and he doesn’t want to be physical with me right now. He has major deals going on with his business ( I know this is true) and says he is stressed out right now too. He tells me that this has nothing to do with his GF (they are not rekindling their relationship). I asked him about his plans with the GF. He told me that he won’t talk about that until my divorce is final in a few months. He still makes comments that I might stay with my H. But, I am not staying He said it is my decision if I want to continue in this situation for right now or just end things. But he doesn’t want us to stop seeing each other. i told him I am confused. And not really sure now what to think, act or say. AP was mad last night because he says “I ask too many questions”. He said maybe we need a break. Bottom line; he says the guilt and the stress of work; and me with all my mixed emotions and questions about us, giving him more stress. of course he fills a void I have right now as in an EA and I guess that is why I want to stick around.
BaileyB Posted August 6, 2020 Posted August 6, 2020 (edited) 14 minutes ago, Destiny09 said: of course he fills a void I have right now as in an EA and I guess that is why I want to stick around. That’s the only reason to stick around... because he’s not really offering much else. Let’s be honest here, he not rekindling, he is still with his girlfriend. Being physical with you is causing him “guilt,” because he is still with his girlfriend. He somehow believes that carrying on a side “friendship” with another woman is not cheating. I think his girlfriend would have a different opinion, don’t you? Again, stay and he gets everything he wants, while you get nothing that you really want. Edited August 6, 2020 by BaileyB 2
elaine567 Posted August 6, 2020 Posted August 6, 2020 55 minutes ago, BaileyB said: He somehow believes that carrying on a side “friendship” with another woman is not cheating. Many men think that. If there is no PIV sex, it it is not cheating, some even believe BJs are not cheating...
elaine567 Posted August 6, 2020 Posted August 6, 2020 1 hour ago, Destiny09 said: AP was mad last night because he says “I ask too many questions”. Too many questions he has no credible answer to. "Get back in your box little girl..." 2
mark clemson Posted August 6, 2020 Posted August 6, 2020 (edited) He could also feel guilty about sex because you're still married. Overall it sounds like he has too much on his plate to deal with the affair right now, so you are being temporarily "back burnered" (at best). It's possible he's anxious about the overall status of the relationship (the affair) and insecure about whether you'll leave your husband and is mis-labeling this insecurity as guilt. Not everyone is good at pinning a name on their feelings. That's all speculation and none of it means he's genuinely committed to you or to leaving his GF. While some men are genuinely emotionally conflicted, others will say whatever's convenient to keep an AP around. It's (of course) very hard to know for sure with an affair. Edited August 6, 2020 by mark clemson 2
ExpatInItaly Posted August 7, 2020 Posted August 7, 2020 On 8/6/2020 at 4:20 PM, Destiny09 said: .He tells me that this has nothing to do with his GF (they are not rekindling their relationship). I asked him about his plans with the GF. He told me that he won’t talk about that until my divorce is final in a few months. This makes no sense. He isn't rekindling with her, but he's not leaving her, either. So what does is matter if they're "rekindling" or not? He's still in the relationship, which is all that matters. He's fluffing you off because he doesn't want to talk about his relationship with you, and doesn't want to tell you that they aren't breaking up. You need to put this guy in your rearview mirror, OP. He isn't going be your Happily Ever After. 1
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