Mid morning OLD

[dangerous]

My opinion is if its via OLD, a coffee date is ok, its not much different to a quick evening drink date, and depends on availability. These can work. The first meet after OLD matching/ texting is to see eachother for real and see whether there is any attraction at all. I would not commit to a meal out or big event.

Its different if you met someone IRL, because you will know already of you are attracted, so then I would make it a proper date eg meal or longer drink.

From my experience, the coffee date/ quick drink works in either case: if you don't gel, then you can cut it short and getaway. Alternatively, if you get on, then you can make the date last longer, or agree to another date.

And btw, my coffee date  today (11am on a Sunday morning) went really well. We got on, so we talked for 2.5 hours (!) and agreed to see eachother again next weekend

[mortensorchid]

I realized he was weak by his tone of voice and his mannerisms (wouldn't look me in the eye, seemed to have a "whatever you say" attitude about things, etc.)  When I tried questioning him about his favorite things (ex. TV shows) he said "not much".

And did I like him?  Not really.  Need someone with a stronger personality than him.  He also did ask me via text if I was a hugger or a cuddler.  I wasn't going to do that because of social distancing, I told him.  It's been 48 hours, I won't hear from him again.  And he even unmatched me from Hinge.  

Next.

[Versacehottie]

OP, is probably the one who suggested Panera as it was the long subject of a date she had not long ago.  and funny the same debate over coffee date vs other type of date ensued. 

while I'm not a fan of a coffee date or Panera date midday (same basically), I think if both parties are up for it, then fine.  I do think though that you would have to counter a subpar ambiance of Panera or Starbucks (for a date) by being MORE engaging and a better conversationalist than if the date took place in an environment that "helped" the date and ambiance along.   What's funny is the people who often choose coffee dates are not good at conversation, trying to be reserve, minimize their own effort and I think it generally fails.  Hopefully not for mr dangerous as I'm sure his went great

Ok to OP with the explanation of the guy being "weak". Ok those can be signs of weakness--also they are signs that he's not interested or attracted to you!!  Gosh, you have to take that into consideration.  He could have been off you the moment he saw you and then put as little effort in as possible.  You need to consider this as a possibility so you can become more attuned to get better at dating yourself.  Ok fine you didn't like him--good, it's mutual.  I don't even see why you would care that he followed through then.  I never saw why you cared that he followed through from the moment you called him weak.  Which you have done before on other guys.

Lastly, I think I've said this to you before.  But a date or any "thing" between two people is a fluid entity.  Your inputs have the ability to change what a person thinks positive OR negative.  It's not FIXED like he was just one way in both personality & his attraction to you and it won't CHANGE due to his interaction with you.  Same as your other thread where 2 boyfriends went off you 6 months down the line, how come you seem baffled that their level of attraction would remain the same as day1, month1?  It will probably grow if you are doing the right things and are a good match.  Decline or disappear if you are not.  They are not fixed

ok, good luck on the next. change something about what you are doing. to think that is not part of the problem is incorrect.

[Fresh_Start]

Hey hottie.  Long time no see.

48 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

and funny the same debate over coffee date vs other type of date ensued. 

That's on me and always will be.  In every thread where I see coffee dates mentioned, I blow them out of the water like I'm playing Battleship.  I'm trying to start a movement: one that revives the art of conversation, interpersonal communication, and the ability to meaningfully connect.  These are things that many people in our society have lost or never developed and it's what spawned this ridiculous coffee date trend that didn't start until sometime after the advent of the information age, cell phones, and the rise of impersonal communication.  Genuine confidence and interpersonal skills are a scarce commodity that have been depleted by the aforementioned things that enable people to hide behind emails, text messages, and even message boards sometimes without ever conversing with or meeting the person on the other end.

I'm a Renaissance man so I'll keep preaching from my soap box until other people are onboard.  If I can get through to at least one person every time I bring it up, that's all it takes to get the ball rolling in the right direction.  

Edited August 3, 2020 by Fresh_Start

[Ruby Slippers]

I'm so totally with you, @Fresh_Start, on coffee dates being incredibly lame. I only did a few coffee dates before I knew better. It didn't take me long to figure out that any guy who asked to meet for coffee was lame, halfhearted, not ready for something serious, and not anywhere close to the mindset of a man I'd be interested in. Now I've learned to decline any invite for coffee. It's not even worth blow-drying my hair.

As for the expense of dinner, well, I always offer to split the bill. So if he's not feeling it, at worst, he's paid for his own dinner. For the men who say not all women offer, well, if I were a man dating, I'd be very selective with whom I asked out to dinner and make sure through a phone call that she could carry a good conversation and was a cool, interesting person. So at worst, I'd be enjoying dinner with a cool, interesting person and having good conversation.

Also, I never want the first lunch or dinner date to be expensive. It should be a normal, decent place that's reasonable in price. We can save the nice places for once we're established and it makes sense.

[Happy Lemming]

8 hours ago, Ruby Slippers said:

As for the expense of dinner...

If a guy wants to date, it costs money.  Pure and simple, if he can't afford to take a woman out to dinner and drinks, he can't afford to date, period.  I always budgeted about $75-$100 for the first date and always tried to plan something nice.

And if he can't afford to do that, what is he going to do about date 2, date 3, etc.

When I was dating, I always budgeted about $400/month for dating.  If I couldn't afford that, then I couldn't afford to date, period.

For the record, I would never do a "coffee date".  Dinner and drinks at the minimum.  Usually, I'd tried to plan some type of activity to go along with dinner, as a first date.

Edited August 3, 2020 by Happy Lemming

[Phallacy]

Yeah coffee dates suck BUT YOU ACCEPTED. You should have spoke up and said you’re not a fan of coffee dates and let him take the hint to suggest something else.

Insulting the guy for being a weak conversationalist says something about you too. It would be similar to a guy saying a girl didn’t flirt enough. It takes two.

I’ve dated enough to understand that timing is everything. IMHO, an interested woman knows how to flirt and doesn’t expect an entertainer to make her laugh.

To be honest, I think a lot of these awkward dates are a result of no chemistry. Instead of recognizing that however, you insult the other party because of your bullis*** expectations.

Grow up,

[basil67]

13 hours ago, mortensorchid said:

I realized he was weak by his tone of voice and his mannerisms (wouldn't look me in the eye, seemed to have a "whatever you say" attitude about things, etc.)  When I tried questioning him about his favorite things (ex. TV shows) he said "not much".

And did I like him?  Not really.  Need someone with a stronger personality than him.  He also did ask me via text if I was a hugger or a cuddler.  I wasn't going to do that because of social distancing, I told him.  It's been 48 hours, I won't hear from him again.  And he even unmatched me from Hinge.  

Next.

Sounds like you didn’t impress him either.  Rather than complaining, you can both be glad that it was only a brief amount of time spent tolerating the other.  

Edited August 3, 2020 by basil67

[Phallacy]

Sounds to me the OP keeps updating the narrative to make the guy look worse and worse. 
 

 

[kendahke]

the common denominator in all of OP's threads about first date failures is OP. At some point, one needs to stop doing the same thing over and over and over, expecting a different result.

[Versacehottie]

13 hours ago, Fresh_Start said:

Hey hottie.  Long time no see.

That's on me and always will be.  In every thread where I see coffee dates mentioned, I blow them out of the water like I'm playing Battleship.  I'm trying to start a movement: one that revives the art of conversation, interpersonal communication, and the ability to meaningfully connect.  These are things that many people in our society have lost or never developed and it's what spawned this ridiculous coffee date trend that didn't start until sometime after the advent of the information age, cell phones, and the rise of impersonal communication.  Genuine confidence and interpersonal skills are a scarce commodity that have been depleted by the aforementioned things that enable people to hide behind emails, text messages, and even message boards sometimes without ever conversing with or meeting the person on the other end.

I'm a Renaissance man so I'll keep preaching from my soap box until other people are onboard.  If I can get through to at least one person every time I bring it up, that's all it takes to get the ball rolling in the right direction.  

Hi Fresh Start

I 100% agree with you thoughts about a coffee date

I'm sure a small percentage of people can make a date work wherever they are  And I think some people just willingly go along with a coffee date when suggested because it's simple or they are not the one asking, arranging nor are too particular but rather go with the flow about where.  But it is ironic to me when both people want it since it basically suggests jaded, or wanting to confirm the merchandise before investing an iota of yourself & funny enough they often approach this date in exactly the same way--businesslike, without real excitement, more like an errand or a chore and i'm sure that conveys itself.  As a stereotype it's a very reserved, closed off and "impress me" type of stance to take toward some other person.  I'm sure there are exceptions to that of course but then hopefully the people bring the vibrancy themselves because it won't be in the ambiance.

Lol, I tried to avoid saying too much about what I thought about the location of the date so the thread wouldn't get derailed.  oops!

[Versacehottie]

3 hours ago, Phallacy said:

Yeah coffee dates suck BUT YOU ACCEPTED. You should have spoke up and said you’re not a fan of coffee dates and let him take the hint to suggest something else.

Insulting the guy for being a weak conversationalist says something about you too. It would be similar to a guy saying a girl didn’t flirt enough. It takes two.

I’ve dated enough to understand that timing is everything. IMHO, an interested woman knows how to flirt and doesn’t expect an entertainer to make her laugh.

To be honest, I think a lot of these awkward dates are a result of no chemistry. Instead of recognizing that however, you insult the other party because of your bullis*** expectations.

Grow up,

I'd guess she is the one who suggested Panera as she has done so before.  I could be wrong and another likely scenario is he suggested mid morning time and she suggested Panera or agreed on it with him.

I think it's totally reasonable to hold out for a date time/place that will be conducive to a good date.  Something that adds to the date rather than takes away.

 

[Weezy1973]

Most dates from OLD go nowhere. A few progress. Most of my first dates were meeting for a drink, and some were coffee dates. Most didn’t turn into anything. A few did. 
 

But then again, I never  treatEd a first meet from OLD as a date. It was more just a way to meet up to see if they’re someone I’d like to go out with in the future.

 

Second dates were never coffee dates.

[dangerous]

5 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

Most dates from OLD go nowhere. A few progress. Most of my first dates were meeting for a drink, and some were coffee dates. Most didn’t turn into anything. A few did. 
 

But then again, I never  treatEd a first meet from OLD as a date. It was more just a way to meet up to see if they’re someone I’d like to go out with in the future.

 

Second dates were never coffee dates.

Totally agree, Those who say, budget £400 a month for dating and taking an OLD first date for dinner is out-dated. In these times, you need to meet alot of people to find a true match. If you want to waste £100s turning into £1000s then that is up to you, but I'd rather save my money for people I really care about!

[dangerous]

btw, a coffee date does not have to be in a Starbucks or mass market venue. I actually choose cafes or bars with nice ambience and surroundings. 

[Versacehottie]

23 minutes ago, dangerous said:

btw, a coffee date does not have to be in a Starbucks or mass market venue. I actually choose cafes or bars with nice ambience and surroundings. 

I have a feeling you are one of the exceptions and don't disagree with the fact that due to how dating is currently a person may have to meet people quite often.  

Good conversation and making the date good is on both people, regardless of the venue.  If two people end up agreeing on any coffee place or anywhere for that matter, they should put in good effort.

[Fresh_Start]

21 hours ago, Ruby Slippers said:

I'm so totally with you, @Fresh_Start,

That's because you're smart and have good taste.

I never let a first date split the bill with me though..  I asked her out so it's my treat.  

12 hours ago, Happy Lemming said:

If a guy wants to date, it costs money.  Pure and simple, if he can't afford to take a woman out to dinner and drinks, he can't afford to date, period.  I always budgeted about $75-$100 for the first date and always tried to plan something nice.

And if he can't afford to do that, what is he going to do about date 2, date 3, etc.

^Exactly.  Welcome aboard the Dinner Date Train where every trip is flirty, fun, and we all go home happy. 

8 hours ago, Versacehottie said:

I'm sure a small percentage of people can make a date work wherever they are  

Absolutely.  I could probably make a date at an autobody shop work, but that doesn't mean I'd want to.   I feel the same way about a coffee shop.  

True story along those lines: my first date with my former wife was at an outdoor, cowboy-style wedding in 110 degree heat while I was attending the University of Arizona.  I hated country music and didn't know anybody there, but before the day was through I was the life of the party and my future wife caught the bouquet.  Three years later, we were married. 

Stop spinning your wheels with coffee dates, people, and from this day forward focus on making more meaningful connections with everyone you come into contact with because you may not ever meet them again and you may never know that they were the most beautiful person you will ever meet.  

Edited August 3, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
OP request

[Ruby Slippers]

I don't recall a man ever accepting my offer to split the bill. But I still offer.

Edited August 3, 2020 by Ruby Slippers

[Happy Lemming]

2 hours ago, dangerous said:

Totally agree, Those who say, budget £400 a month for dating and taking an OLD first date for dinner is out-dated.

Fair enough... I'm coming up on 55, so I may be a bit out-dated.  Also, I only tried OLD briefly and didn't like it.  All of my first dates were women I met in real life, so I had already chit-chatted with them in the real world, so the first date (for me) was not a first meeting.  I always like to show a woman a nice time and that meant planning & paying for a nice date.

Did some of the women turn out to be flakes or nut-jobs, oh yes... but that is all part of dating.  Some times you win and some times you lose.

[Ruby Slippers]

If I'm outdated, then bring on the outdated men  Other women can have the rest and I won't raise a pinky to fight you for them. 

[Fresh_Start]

3 hours ago, dangerous said:

In these times, you need to meet alot of people to find a true match.

This is only true for speed daters and coffee daters (which is essentially a form of speed dating), both of whom invest very little into actually making a meaningful connection and therefore, ironically, don't make them nearly as easily.  With one sentence you've just summed up exactly why coffee dates exist and why they're such a terrible way to date.  

I've never treated online dating any differently.  That's just another mental obstacle that you all create for yourselves as you set yourselves up to fail over and over again, not realizing that you would have succeeded with most of the people you churned and burned on a coffee date if you'd actually been focused on the right things in the first place.  In fact, OLD is superior in many ways because it gives someone access to tons of people they would have otherwise never met or even knew existed.  I could hop on an OLD right now, browse through some profiles of very attractive women I will likely never cross paths with in real life, send them a message, and be well on my way towards a first date.  I don't need to turn over a thousand shells to find a pearl; I swim to where all the shells with the pearls are and pick the one I like the best.  

Sometimes what you're trying the hardest to find is hiding in plain sight.  Think about a time where you "lost your keys", you were in a hurry, and because you were more focused on the time and your destination you failed to see what was right in front of you only to foolishly realize after you wasted all that time looking for them that they were right there all along.  You need to totally change your attitude if you're to have success with dating and finding that "elusive" match.  If you half-ass any process, you'll get half-assed results.  

Edited August 4, 2020 by Fresh_Start

[OatsAndHall]

On 8/2/2020 at 11:37 AM, kendahke said:

I've read posts on this site in past years where the guy walked out on the woman at a dinner date and women being left at the table where the guy excused himself to the bathroom and never returned.

Coffee dates are usually suggested because of having to fork out +$75 for someone who you regretted agreeing to meeting when they walked through the door. Dinner dates for the first meeting aren't any more successful than coffee dates.

 

I learned the hard way that a meal is not a good venue for a first date and not just because of the price tag. You're stuck with someone for at least and hour and a half at a restaurant and that can be an absolute disaster. You are obligated to wait for your food, eat it and then get the check.  That is excruciating if the date is going badly. I had dinner dates that were on life-support by the time the check rolled in as we had nothing in common and conversation was difficult to keep flowing. That's typically when the "So... What kind of music do you enjoy" questions start rolling out... Lol

 I have had two coffee dates where we've looked at one another after a half hour and said both basically said "I don't think this will work out" and went our separate ways. No hard feelings; just the mutual understanding that we weren't clicking and it was time to go. Also, coffee dates are nice because they give you the option of extending the date. Many of my late morning coffee dates have turned into all-day affairs; we hit it off over coffee, grab lunch, go for a walk, etc..etc..  One of the most enjoyable dates I've been on started as coffee, progressed to lunch, then bowling and finally ice cream. Quite a fun day.

Edited August 4, 2020 by OatsAndHall

[introverted1]

Surely there is a place on the spectrum between a coffee date and a $75 meal?!

What about a drink at a rooftop bar or other place where flirty conversation is possible?  That would be my preference.

[Happy Lemming]

33 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

Surely there is a place on the spectrum between a coffee date and a $75 meal?!

 

Of course, take her to an Applebee's buy her a happy hour drink and a 1/2 priced appetizer...  She'll think you are cheap and you won't get a second date. 

I've been dating for almost 40 years... its a simple formula.  Have the confidence to approach a woman, have interesting things to say/talk about, chit-chat a bit, ask her out, show her a nice time on a well planned first date (which means spending some money) and the rest falls into place.

Being cheap on a first date is a sure fire way to make sure your next date will be your right hand.

 

[introverted1]

I suggested a drink at a rooftop bar, not a crappy appetizer at Applebees!