Author gringoloco Posted August 8, 2020 Author Posted August 8, 2020 7 minutes ago, poppyfields said: So you promiscuously slept around yourself, and now you attract women who are prone to same and project your insecure feelings on to them. Hurt people attract hurt people. Damaged people attract damaged people. If this RL had been longer than 2 months, I might suggest couples counseling or something, but at this extremely early stage, my suggestion is to walk away and take steps to resolve your own issues - hurt feelings, need for validation and tendency to project. Tough issues to resolve, no question. All the best. As much as I know you’re right, I can’t get myself to dump her. I would really like to spend more time with her and know her more. I don’t want to throw it all away. It’s unfortunate that we now have to be apart for that long, but I can’t do much about it. Yes we are both damaged people, but maybe we can soothe each other. Do you believe it’s my job to solve it all, or do you think I have rationale reasons to worry? Anyways thanks for your time and advice
Author gringoloco Posted August 9, 2020 Author Posted August 9, 2020 23 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said: You have to start by making better choices for yourself, choices that are conducive to getting comfortable with someone. Agreeing to be exclusive with a woman who was still essentially a stranger was not one of those choice. Big error in judgement on your part. But now that you have, you have another choice: stop feeding your fear and holding her to a double standard (after all, you also jumped in with both feet here), or recognize that you aren't ready to have a relationship yet. What other alternative do you have? You are right that I was stupid to agree to be exclusive with her. But I didn’t forecast the current situation. Even though she dragged me into it, I just can’t figure out how she is not going to hookup/flirt with some other guys while away. You can say whatever you want, but in the end she ll be with a friend who is single and will want to enjoy her holidays. Unless she sees the bigger picture and doesn’t want to lose me in September. If she hadn’t pushed me into that exclusivity thing, I wouldn’t care as much because things would have remained casual. I will have the opportunity to go wild during my holidays, but now that i m into her, i just cant see myself hooking up with some random other girl
elaine567 Posted August 9, 2020 Posted August 9, 2020 16 minutes ago, elpandillero said: I was stupid to agree to be exclusive with her. Not sure if I follow the logic there. Are you intending in sleeping with lots of other women? If not then why is being exclusive an issue?
Author gringoloco Posted August 9, 2020 Author Posted August 9, 2020 Just now, elaine567 said: Not sure if I follow the logic there. Are you intending in sleeping with lots of other women? If not then why is being exclusive an issue? I am not but I don’t drink, whereas she does with her friends, and I don’t go on a beach holidays with a single friend like her, so let’s say it’s easier for me to control myself even though there could be temptations....
elaine567 Posted August 9, 2020 Posted August 9, 2020 So it is really a competition. She is in your mind going to cheat, so you need to have one up on her by also sleeping around... What if she is completely loyal and you have to lie to her when she returns or break her heart by admitting you cheated... People who intend to cheat, never suggest exclusivity... they want to get away with being "free" for as long as possible...
Author gringoloco Posted August 9, 2020 Author Posted August 9, 2020 15 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: See what happens when she gets back. I won’t know, unless she tells me. She clearly wants to be with me, so she wouldn’t tell me if she indeed did something
Author gringoloco Posted August 9, 2020 Author Posted August 9, 2020 10 minutes ago, elaine567 said: So it is really a competition. She is in your mind going to cheat, so you need to have one up on her by also sleeping around... What if she is completely loyal and you have to lie to her when she returns or break her heart by admitting you cheated... People who intend to cheat, never suggest exclusivity... they want to get away with being "free" for as long as possible... It’s true I have a bit of this « competition » mindset. As for the rest, I ve had a girl tell me « i dont want you to see other girls » on the 2nd date, only to tell me 3 weeks later that she was still thinking about her ex... so there really is no rule
elaine567 Posted August 9, 2020 Posted August 9, 2020 3 minutes ago, elpandillero said: I ve had a girl tell me « i dont want you to see other girls » on the 2nd date Yes but that is not the same as "I am not sleeping with or want to sleep with other men..."
schlumpy Posted August 9, 2020 Posted August 9, 2020 I have to agree with Elaine. Why would she lock you down if she wanted lots of casual relationships? She isn't dependent on you so it's not security. She not adding you to her stable so you can be her Friday night fling. You are making yourself a victim of your own past behavior. 2
Acacia98 Posted August 9, 2020 Posted August 9, 2020 On 8/4/2020 at 12:45 AM, elpandillero said: I do a lot of sports especially running, and I play a lot of guitar. It helps during breakdowns, but despite looking cold/tough to others I m quite sentimental and when I am hurt I take a long time to recover I don’t know how some people manage to be so detached It's not that folks are detached. It's that most accept that, realistically, they can't control every outcome. If a person cheats, they cheat. You deal with it when it happens. The other thing some folks do is to embrace the worst-case scenario: assume it happens and she cheats, what will happen? Will your world come tumbling down? Of course not. You imagine the stages you will go through (denial, grief, anger etc.) based on previous experiences of heartbreak. You will go through a tough time, but ultimately, you will come out on the other side. So you know you will eventually be okay even if she cheats. The folks who do that are often able to set the issue aside after putting things in perspective. 2
Acacia98 Posted August 9, 2020 Posted August 9, 2020 1 hour ago, elpandillero said: If she hadn’t pushed me into that exclusivity thing, I wouldn’t care as much because things would have remained casual. I will have the opportunity to go wild during my holidays, but now that i m into her, i just cant see myself hooking up with some random other girl You're doing it again: playing the passive victim and blaming her for the situation you find yourself in. And then here you go again, essentially ascribing ethical/moral values to yourself and casting doubt on hers. You should spend the month when she's away getting individual counseling. Maybe it will help you deal with some unresolved issues. Maybe it will help you develop some healthier coping skills. Maybe it will allow you to figure out whether you're actually in the right headspace to be dating anybody. 3
Author gringoloco Posted August 9, 2020 Author Posted August 9, 2020 53 minutes ago, Acacia98 said: You're doing it again: playing the passive victim and blaming her for the situation you find yourself in. And then here you go again, essentially ascribing ethical/moral values to yourself and casting doubt on hers. You should spend the month when she's away getting individual counseling. Maybe it will help you deal with some unresolved issues. Maybe it will help you develop some healthier coping skills. Maybe it will allow you to figure out whether you're actually in the right headspace to be dating anybody. When I am on my own I strive. It’s when I am with someone else that my whole world goes upside down I tend to care way too much, even though I don t show it. I think i might be looking for affection, and the type of people giving it easily might not be the best suited for me. It’s true though that I have a tendency to not be able to cope with failure. And I am way too controlling. If things don’t go as planned I have a hard time adjusting... 1
poppyfields Posted August 9, 2020 Posted August 9, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, elpandillero said: It’s true though that I have a tendency to not be able to cope with failure. And I am way too controlling. If things don’t go as planned I have a hard time adjusting... It's great you are so self-aware, but the question remains, what are you going to do about it? Acacia98 is spot on, cut and paste his (or her) posts to your fridge and read every chance you get. Your gf did not "drag" you into anything and you are not a victim. Reading your recent posts, it doesn't sound like you even like her much, you certainly don't respect her. Believing her to be so weak, so needy, so attention-seeking, lacking good moral judgment, that despite agreeing to be exclusive, she would jump into bed with whomever, cheat on you whenever the opportunity presented itself. How insulting to her! Feeling as you do, why are you dating her? Seriously. If I discovered my bf felt that way about me, he'd be gone from my life so fast. Work on YOU. Good luck. Edited August 9, 2020 by poppyfields 2 1
Author gringoloco Posted August 9, 2020 Author Posted August 9, 2020 26 minutes ago, poppyfields said: It's great you are so self-aware, but the question remains, what are you going to do about it? Acacia98 is spot on, cut and paste his (or her) posts to your fridge and read every chance you get. Your gf did not "drag" you into anything and you are not a victim. Reading your recent posts, it doesn't sound like you even like her much, you certainly don't respect her. Believing her to be so weak, so needy, so attention-seeking, lacking good moral judgment, that despite agreeing to be exclusive, she would jump into bed with whomever, cheat on you whenever the opportunity presented itself. How insulting to her! Feeling as you do, why are you dating her? Seriously. If I discovered my bf felt that way about me, he'd be gone from my life so fast. Work on YOU. Good luck. you’re right, I have all those beliefs simply because I don’t trust easily. In order to trust someone, I need to spend a lot of hours with them and see how they act in various social situations (out drinking, with friends, etc...). A lot of people seem to be really naive and just trust anyone after a few dates. I really can t function like that. In the past I thought I knew someone, then saw them with friends and drunk and it was a whole other story. That’s why it’s so hard for me to trust blindly.
poppyfields Posted August 9, 2020 Posted August 9, 2020 5 minutes ago, elpandillero said: A lot of people seem to be really naive and just trust anyone after a few dates. I don't even know how to respond to this. It sounds like an attempt to justify your own paranoid thoughts by making the rest of us in healthy relationships feel stupid and naive for not being paranoid, and choosing to trust our partners unless and until such time our partner gives us reason not to trust. Has your gf done anything to warrant such paranoia? Your lack of trust and toxic thoughts about what she may or may not be doing behind your back? If so, dump her! If not, then stop dating and work on you. Your paranoia about this is toxic and will destroy any romantic relationship you embark on. 1
poppyfields Posted August 9, 2020 Posted August 9, 2020 One final thought. Take steps to trust yourself to make wise choices. It makes it a hell of a lot easier to trust when you know you've made.a wise choice. This means keeping eyes and ears open and not allowing your little head to rule your big head. Walking away from anyone who displays lack of integrity and poor moral character. Trust yourself to know the difference and have the integrity and strength to walk away when they don't meet your standards. 1
Author gringoloco Posted August 9, 2020 Author Posted August 9, 2020 (edited) 44 minutes ago, poppyfields said: One final thought. Take steps to trust yourself to make wise choices. It makes it a hell of a lot easier to trust when you know you've made.a wise choice. This means keeping eyes and ears open and not allowing your little head to rule your big head. Walking away from anyone who displays lack of integrity and poor moral character. Trust yourself to know the difference and have the integrity and strength to walk away when they don't meet your standards. This is what I did in my previous relationship. I dumped the girl because she was way too flirty, sometimes even in front of me. It was very difficult to do and led to a lot of questioning and torturing of my brain... As for this girl, she hasn’t done anything in front of me that suggests I shouldn’t trust her. But there were several things she said that just sounded off to me. When we had the exclusivity talk, and I mentioned that it was early for me to have that kind of discussion (it was only after 4 dates), she said that she didn’t want her friends to think that the man she was seeing was seeing other girls (I was like wtf, how is that even important?) and then she went on and said that she had lots of requests on the dating app, and didn’t want to waste her time. I think she said all that because she was hurt, but still I found it super strange. That same evening, after I told her that it seemed early to me, she went numb for 30minutes and couldn’t even speak (i think she even cried in my bathroom) and it took a lof of time to get her to open herself again. Next morning she sent me a long message saying that she didn’t want to frighten me by trying to move too fast, that she had had bad experiences but that she wouldn t let her past influence our relationship. After that night, I was not sure if I wanted to see her again or not, but I decided to give her a chance. One last thing, she admitted to me that she kissed her childhood « best friend » once at a party in the past, when we were having some drunk talk. She said there is nothing between them and he has a girlfriend, but that when they were children they were in love so she had been waiting for a long time for him to try something (this was like 3 years ago). She ended up saying that because I had been saying a lot of stupid stuff myself that night as I was quite drunk (stories about girls I had casually slept with, etc...) Add all that to the fact we slept on first night. Here you go, you ve got all the things that have had me worry so far.... It’s hard to know wether I have reasons to, or if it s all in my head Edited August 9, 2020 by elpandillero
Author gringoloco Posted August 12, 2020 Author Posted August 12, 2020 It’s tough to keep a cold head I really fear that the distance will destroy what we had going on so far Especially since she is going for a weekend away with friends for a birthday, then to an eastern europe country for a holiday with a single friend... I was going to change my plans to see her one last time but I did not do it in the end My anxiety is quite high due to this situation, I just don’t know if we’ll survive the summer
d0nnivain Posted August 12, 2020 Posted August 12, 2020 Just now, elpandillero said: It’s tough to keep a cold head I really fear that the distance will destroy what we had going on so far Especially since she is going for a weekend away with friends for a birthday, then to an eastern europe country for a holiday with a single friend... I was going to change my plans to see her one last time but I did not do it in the end My anxiety is quite high due to this situation, I just don’t know if we’ll survive the summer You do this to yourself every time. Until you get control of your own anxiety & learn to trust YOU will destroy every relationship you try to have because any sane person would run from you rather then be under suspicion all the time. People are capable of being faithful despite the distance & while partying with friends. 1
Author gringoloco Posted August 12, 2020 Author Posted August 12, 2020 (edited) 9 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: You do this to yourself every time. Until you get control of your own anxiety & learn to trust YOU will destroy every relationship you try to have because any sane person would run from you rather then be under suspicion all the time. People are capable of being faithful despite the distance & while partying with friends. why would she logically be faithful to someone she s been with for only 2 months? yet she was the one to ask for exclusivity but it seems to me that it was just out of fear i would see someone else and cheat like her past « bad guys » did... It just doesn’t seem plausible to me... maybe she thinks i ll be unfaithful and will try to ease her mind by cheating herself Especially with alcohol, i m really not reassured Edited August 12, 2020 by elpandillero
ExpatInItaly Posted August 12, 2020 Posted August 12, 2020 5 hours ago, elpandillero said: My anxiety is quite high due to this situation, I just don’t know if we’ll survive the summer At this rate, you probably won't. Your level of anxiety is spinning out of control and growing out of proportion. I think you would be best to end it so you can work on that. You're not really in any place to date right now.
Author gringoloco Posted August 15, 2020 Author Posted August 15, 2020 On 8/12/2020 at 10:14 PM, ExpatInItaly said: At this rate, you probably won't. Your level of anxiety is spinning out of control and growing out of proportion. I think you would be best to end it so you can work on that. You're not really in any place to date right now. I have always been an anxious person, it manifests itself through relationships but it clearly isn’t the only aspect of life where that happens. What I don’t get though, is why she keeps repeating me that she is « crazier » and « lose inhibitions » when drunk. Yesterday she started texting me when drunk and she was like trying to « brag » that she is crazy when she is drunk and that I shouldn’t see her drunk yet, that she behaves well with me etc...she also sent me pictures... I think she just wanted to speak to me, but what’s the point of telling me that kind of bulls***? Obviously I m not gonna be reassured by that... I just played it cool like I didn’t care, but still I find it weird. I m not 20 anymore, I just don’t care about alcohol and being drunk anymore
ExpatInItaly Posted August 15, 2020 Posted August 15, 2020 48 minutes ago, elpandillero said: I think she just wanted to speak to me, but what’s the point of telling me that kind of bulls***? Obviously I m not gonna be reassured by that... I just played it cool like I didn’t care, but still I find it weird. I m not 20 anymore, I just don’t care about alcohol and being drunk anymore Well, this might be something else you're discovering: a difference in maturity levels. I would find that off-putting from an adult as well. How old is she, for reference?
Author gringoloco Posted August 15, 2020 Author Posted August 15, 2020 (edited) 32 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: Well, this might be something else you're discovering: a difference in maturity levels. I would find that off-putting from an adult as well. How old is she, for reference? she is 28 and I am 30 but really I don’t get why she would tell me all that, do you have any idea? Edited August 15, 2020 by elpandillero
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