Author gringoloco Posted August 8, 2020 Author Posted August 8, 2020 14 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: No, why would she? She knew you had a holiday booked. If she's rational and mature, she's not going to be upset that you're not changing around your plans to see her for just one day. Don't give yourself excuses to enable your own insecurity. This isn't about what she might think; it's about your fears. Deal with them accordingly without projecting on to her. It’s about my fears for sure, but don’t you think I have some rationale reason to be worried?
ExpatInItaly Posted August 8, 2020 Posted August 8, 2020 2 minutes ago, elpandillero said: It’s about my fears for sure, but don’t you think I have some rationale reason to be worried? Not particularly, no.
schlumpy Posted August 8, 2020 Posted August 8, 2020 Why would you have any more reason to worry about her fidelity then she has to worry about yours? This is the consequences of your past promiscuous behavior. This is where all the doubt and worry is coming from. While she is gone see if you can get a start of learning to trust without fear.
Author gringoloco Posted August 8, 2020 Author Posted August 8, 2020 26 minutes ago, schlumpy said: Why would you have any more reason to worry about her fidelity then she has to worry about yours? This is the consequences of your past promiscuous behavior. This is where all the doubt and worry is coming from. While she is gone see if you can get a start of learning to trust without fear. I might have been promiscious at some point, but I don’t know much about her past either. I just know that she had « bad experiences » as she says, meaning that she ´s been lied to and cheated on. But she’s never had a fulfilling relationship so far apparently, so maybe that’s because she didn’t have the right approach....
ExpatInItaly Posted August 8, 2020 Posted August 8, 2020 4 minutes ago, elpandillero said: But she’s never had a fulfilling relationship so far apparently, so maybe that’s because she didn’t have the right approach.... What does this mean? That you think she slept with men to get them to date her, and will do again on her trip? You have got to stop feeding your fears with all these assumptions. If you can't, you really should not be dating anyone right now. Your mistake was agreeing to be exclusive with a woman you hardly knew. Own that and make peace with it, or walk away.
Author gringoloco Posted August 8, 2020 Author Posted August 8, 2020 18 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: What does this mean? That you think she slept with men to get them to date her, and will do again on her trip? You have got to stop feeding your fears with all these assumptions. If you can't, you really should not be dating anyone right now. Your mistake was agreeing to be exclusive with a woman you hardly knew. Own that and make peace with it, or walk away. yeah that’s pretty much how I think. That she has self esteem issues so will need reassurance from men all the time... I just wonder why she made me be exclusive, knowing we wouldn’t see each other for a month
ExpatInItaly Posted August 8, 2020 Posted August 8, 2020 1 minute ago, elpandillero said: yeah that’s pretty much how I think. That she has self esteem issues so will need reassurance from men all the time... Then you need to not date her. 2
Author gringoloco Posted August 8, 2020 Author Posted August 8, 2020 5 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: Then you need to not date her. I would really like to find a way to stop making these assumptions. I wasn’t like that before. As I said I ve been with someone for 3 years and never doubted her. But in between I have met women who had a very promiscious past/attitude, and it has destroyed my trust. I have even been used myself as a « sex rebound » by a girl who went back with her ex a few weeks after. Makes it hard to trust anyone. I can try to force myself, but It will always be in the back of my head
schlumpy Posted August 8, 2020 Posted August 8, 2020 1 minute ago, elpandillero said: I can try to force myself, but It will always be in the back of my head I don't find your problem unusual considering the circumstances. I think most men would have similar thoughts to some degree or other. All you can do is set your boundaries. Your SO should know that any dalliance will be rewarded with your immediate departure. Then you have let it go. It's the only reasonable thing you can do. You seem to like her a lot. Wouldn't it be better to dwell on what you plan on bringing to the relationship? Do you have anything special planned for her when she gets back?
ExpatInItaly Posted August 8, 2020 Posted August 8, 2020 11 minutes ago, elpandillero said: I would really like to find a way to stop making these assumptions. You have to start by making better choices for yourself, choices that are conducive to getting comfortable with someone. Agreeing to be exclusive with a woman who was still essentially a stranger was not one of those choice. Big error in judgement on your part. But now that you have, you have another choice: stop feeding your fear and holding her to a double standard (after all, you also jumped in with both feet here), or recognize that you aren't ready to have a relationship yet. What other alternative do you have?
Author gringoloco Posted August 8, 2020 Author Posted August 8, 2020 24 minutes ago, schlumpy said: I don't find your problem unusual considering the circumstances. I think most men would have similar thoughts to some degree or other. All you can do is set your boundaries. Your SO should know that any dalliance will be rewarded with your immediate departure. Then you have let it go. It's the only reasonable thing you can do. You seem to like her a lot. Wouldn't it be better to dwell on what you plan on bringing to the relationship? Do you have anything special planned for her when she gets back? trust me she knows that, I have made it very clear. She knows it’s the reason why I immediately dumped my ex (and I only had suspiscions at the time) and that I never come back on my decisions. Nevertheless, she could very well lie to me about it. In my rationale head, I can’t figure out how 2 girls going on a trip together are not going to flirt. Her friends might very well encourage her to, they know about me but I have never seen them yet. At the same time, that trip was planned well before she knew me, so It’s not like I can say anything about it. I can’t really make plans about September, since I don’t know what will be the state of our relationship by then.
Author gringoloco Posted August 8, 2020 Author Posted August 8, 2020 21 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: You have to start by making better choices for yourself, choices that are conducive to getting comfortable with someone. Agreeing to be exclusive with a woman who was still essentially a stranger was not one of those choice. Big error in judgement on your part. But now that you have, you have another choice: stop feeding your fear and holding her to a double standard (after all, you also jumped in with both feet here), or recognize that you aren't ready to have a relationship yet. What other alternative do you have? I know I don’t want to mess around. I m just not interested in that anymore. So I feel ready to be with someone and be exclusive with that person. As far as her, I like her, so I don’t want her to be with other people, that s why I ended up accepting the exclusivity. It just seemed nasty to me that we would both have sex with other people while we were seeing each other. That s gross. It’s just that she seems sure that all will be fine by september - but she’s lying to herself in my opinion - as this month will be a real test for us.
ShyViolet Posted August 8, 2020 Posted August 8, 2020 2 hours ago, elpandillero said: I ve had a girl in who I had a total trust in the past. We spent 3 years together and I ve never doubted her once. But we had developped a very strong bond, and I knew she had strong morals, and she was also a bit less social so maybe a I though there was less risk. With this girl, I just didn’t get the time to get to know her that well. And my most recent experience has taught me that it really takes time to know people.... This right here is one of the problems. You entered into an exclusive relationship with a girl who you didn't know very well and don't have a strong bond with. Maybe that was a mistake.
ExpatInItaly Posted August 8, 2020 Posted August 8, 2020 17 minutes ago, elpandillero said: As far as her, I like her, so I don’t want her to be with other people, that s why I ended up accepting the exclusivity. It just seemed nasty to me that we would both have sex with other people while we were seeing each other. That s gross. Then stop judging her for it. You don't seem to think very highly of her at all.
Author gringoloco Posted August 8, 2020 Author Posted August 8, 2020 31 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: Then stop judging her for it. You don't seem to think very highly of her at all. Maybe in my subconscious I don’t I know I, and the way I think, are the issue though
poppyfields Posted August 8, 2020 Posted August 8, 2020 (edited) 2 hours ago, elpandillero said: yeah that’s pretty much how I think. That she has self esteem issues so will need reassurance from men all the time... Perhaps the better question is to ask yourself what draws and attracts you to a woman like this, and why you choose to remain. To me, it is not even about her anymore, if she has self-esteem issues and needs constant attention from men which includes having sex with them, even while in an exclusive RL, that is HER issue to sort out. You should be more concerned with yourself and your own self-esteem issues and determining what compels you to date and remain in a RL with a woman like this. Even simply suspecting she is like you describe is an issue, it reflects serious trust issues, and with such serious trust issues, nothing good or positive is ever going to become of this. Work on you mate, determine your own motivations for choosing her, for staying, that's the most important thing here imo. Please don't say it's because you "love" her, that's a cop out and a way to avoid taking responsibility for your own poor choices. Assuming she is a poor choice as you suspect, and as any woman who would cheat on her bf because she needs attention would be considered to be. Edited August 8, 2020 by poppyfields 1
ExpatInItaly Posted August 8, 2020 Posted August 8, 2020 21 minutes ago, elpandillero said: Maybe in my subconscious I don’t I know I, and the way I think, are the issue though I don't think it's even in your subconscious; I think it's quite overt. 1
Author gringoloco Posted August 8, 2020 Author Posted August 8, 2020 14 minutes ago, poppyfields said: Perhaps the better question is to ask yourself what draws and attracts you to a woman like this, and why you choose to remain. To me, it is not even about her anymore, if she has self-esteem issues and needs constant attention from men which includes having sex with them, even while in an exclusive RL, that is HER issue to sort out. You should be more concerned with yourself and your own self-esteem issues and determining what compels you to date and remain in a RL with a woman like this. Even simply suspecting she is like you describe is an issue, it reflects serious trust issues, and with such serious trust issues, nothing good or positive is ever going to become of this. Work on you mate, determine your own motivations for choosing her, for staying, that's the most important thing here imo. Please don't say it's because you "love" her, that's a cop out and a way to avoid taking responsibility for your own poor choices. Assuming she is a poor choice as you suspect, and as any woman who would cheat on her bf because she needs attention would be considered to be. Not going to lie I was first attracted by her looks.But then I realized that she is also very attentionate and caring, and we always have a fun and good time when we are together. It’s the first woman I am with who takes the initiative of planning dates, and that to me shows that she is invested in this. We also have several hobbies in common. That’s not a lot, but it’s only the beginning and I think it’s worth knowing more. Now for the doubts I have regarding her attitude to men, I am massively biased by the last relationship I had, where I was with a women who actually WAS like what i described. I don’t think that woman even cheated on me, but she was way too promiscious and I couldn’t stand it. She also had massive self esteem issues (from her own words). I ended up dumping her but it was really painful. I am afraid that this woman might have similar traits, as in believing that she is not « good enough ». When we had the exclusivity talk, she pretty much told me that every time I was texting her she was worried I would tell her I found someone else! I found that pretty crazy at the time. Now that’s something that can improve, and she has talked to a psychologist about all that so she s been proactive. But I know from the last girl I ve been with that this kind of behavior can translate in the need to feel « validated » all the time by men, and I m worried she might function like my ex did..... All in all, it’s mostly the fact that I don’t know her well enough that has me worried things could go south anytime this month
poppyfields Posted August 8, 2020 Posted August 8, 2020 (edited) It's only been two months. Uncertainty at this early stage is a given, imo. In these early stages, no one knows what the future will bring. Whether our partner will cheat, etc. I mean, anything can happen, even after those precarious early stages where you are still getting to know each other. I've been in a RL nearly three years and while I am fairly certain my bf would never cheat, I am still not 100% certain it would never happen. What keeps me going is faith and trust. In him and myself. Knowing I will be OK no matter what. If it were to hapoen, doesn't mean I wouldn't be hurt, sad, feeling all those emotions one feels when betrayed. Because I would! But in order to have a successful RL, you must have faith in your connection and trust that your partner respects your RL, will will remain faithful. Somehow you must rid yourself of toxic thoughts, otherwise it's those toxic thoughts that will destroy your RL, not anything your gf is doing or not doing. Have you considered speaking with a professional to help you sort though your troubling emotions? Edited August 8, 2020 by poppyfields 1
Author gringoloco Posted August 8, 2020 Author Posted August 8, 2020 1 hour ago, poppyfields said: It's only been two months. Uncertainty at this early stage is a given, imo. In these early stages, no one knows what the future will bring. Whether our partner will cheat, etc. I mean, anything can happen, even after those precarious early stages where you are still getting to know each other. I've been in a RL nearly three years and while I am fairly certain my bf would never cheat, I am still not 100% certain it would never happen. What keeps me going is faith and trust. In him and myself. Knowing I will be OK no matter what. If it were to hapoen, doesn't mean I wouldn't be hurt, sad, feeling all those emotions one feels when betrayed. Because I would! But in order to have a successful RL, you must have faith in your connection and trust that your partner respects your RL, will will remain faithful. Somehow you must rid yourself of toxic thoughts, otherwise it's those toxic thoughts that will destroy your RL, not anything your gf is doing or not doing. Have you considered speaking with a professional to help you sort though your troubling emotions? I did speak with a professional because I was really devastated after my last breakup. But he understood my concerns about my previous partner and told me they were legitimate considering her behavior. He also explained that I now have this tendency to try to investigate any potential partner’s past way too much, because I am constantly alert and looking for « clues ». That’s definitely unhealthy and that doesn’t allow two people to build anything substantial. It’s the domain where I am the most fragile, because I am very successful in my professional career but my love life is a disaster. That’s why each failure in that department hits hard. I always feel like I will never find someone better, whereas in fact I always find someone better. It’s probably a lack of self confidence that I ve never really had the chance to address because I was only sleeping around with girls for years and not trying to develop a meaningful relationship with the risks associated. I ve only let my guard down a few times, and everytime it’s been an emotional disaster....
CLS63AMG Posted August 8, 2020 Posted August 8, 2020 Did this a couple years ago, started dating and she went away for a month. Texts me day before she was supposed to come home that she extended the vacation by a few weeks, I instantly went back to the dating site we met to see if any of the other girls I was chatting with were still around and saw her active profile (that she told me she had deleted). Dumped her on the spot.
Author gringoloco Posted August 8, 2020 Author Posted August 8, 2020 6 minutes ago, CLS63AMG said: Did this a couple years ago, started dating and she went away for a month. Texts me day before she was supposed to come home that she extended the vacation by a few weeks, I instantly went back to the dating site we met to see if any of the other girls I was chatting with were still around and saw her active profile (that she told me she had deleted). Dumped her on the spot. thing is i m also going away for a month at the same time... i could also very well cheat with someone else and she knows that very well we re both anxious about what could happen i think
CLS63AMG Posted August 8, 2020 Posted August 8, 2020 5 minutes ago, elpandillero said: thing is i m also going away for a month at the same time... i could also very well cheat with someone else and she knows that very well we re both anxious about what could happen i think I wouldn't have even cared of she was honest, we barely knew each other before she left but said she deleted her dating acct, so I said I would too and "boom" now we're "exclusive". Had we stayed in dating mode = zero fox given. You should too.
poppyfields Posted August 8, 2020 Posted August 8, 2020 6 minutes ago, elpandillero said: thing is i m also going away for a month at the same time... i could also very well cheat with someone else and she knows that very well we re both anxious about what could happen i think So you promiscuously slept around yourself, and now you attract women who are prone to same and project your insecure feelings on to them. Hurt people attract hurt people. Damaged people attract damaged people. If this RL had been longer than 2 months, I might suggest couples counseling or something, but at this extremely early stage, my suggestion is to walk away and take steps to resolve your own issues - hurt feelings, need for validation and tendency to project. Tough issues to resolve, no question. All the best.
Realitysux Posted August 8, 2020 Posted August 8, 2020 3 minutes ago, poppyfields said: So you promiscuously slept around yourself, and now you attract women who are prone to same and project your insecure feelings on to them. Hurt people attract hurt people. Damaged people attract damaged people. If this RL had been longer than 2 months, I might suggest couples counseling or something, but at this extremely early stage, my suggestion is to walk away and take steps to resolve your own issues - hurt feelings, need for validation and tendency to project. Tough issues to resolve, no question. All the best. A little off topic but I read your posts and as hard as it is to hear at times, you have some valuable advice. I was wondering if you can read my post and give me advice. I'm going to have to echo this op!
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