schlumpy Posted August 1, 2020 Posted August 1, 2020 Did she fall into bed with you on the first date and seem very comfortable doing so? Is that what has you worried?
ExpatInItaly Posted August 1, 2020 Posted August 1, 2020 13 minutes ago, elpandillero said: How could it not haunt me though? I don’t know her well enough to be able to fully trust her. People with confidence would approach this with a completely different mindset. That's what you're not getting. You're leading with fear and anxiety, rather than seeing the happiness that could come from reconnecting in September. People with confidence would also know that they won't be so emotionally invested yet that they won't walk away if they sense something is off. It's not simply a matter of not knowing her well enough to trust her (which makes sense) You need to work on your own insecurity here, too. 2
Author gringoloco Posted August 1, 2020 Author Posted August 1, 2020 (edited) 10 minutes ago, schlumpy said: Did she fall into bed with you on the first date and seem very comfortable doing so? Is that what has you worried? don’t know how you figured this out but yeah clearly that plays a big part in my anxiety. I wouldn’t say she was « comfortable » doing so, she mentioned she « didn’t want to be a one night stand » but yes we ended up at her place and had sex on first date after only 3 hours spent together talking. That got me very surprised. It was right after quarantine but still. The next day she already seemed in love. That’s what has me worrried Edited August 1, 2020 by elpandillero
ExpatInItaly Posted August 1, 2020 Posted August 1, 2020 3 minutes ago, elpandillero said: don’t know how you figured this out but yeah clearly that plays a big part in my anxiety. I wouldn’t say she was « comfortable » doing so, she mentioned she « didn’t want to be a one night stand » but yes we ended up at her place and had sex on first date after only 3 hours spent together talking. The next day she already seemed in love. That’s what has me worrried She could be thinking the same thing about you: you went to be with her right away, so maybe you do that all that time, too. I'm not saying you do, of course, but that line of worry goes both ways. You and she both demonstrated to each other that you will have sex with someone within hours of meeting them. 1
schlumpy Posted August 1, 2020 Posted August 1, 2020 (edited) 11 minutes ago, elpandillero said: That’s what has me worrried It's a quandary you are in but somewhat of your own doing. The relationship is brand new and there is no substantial ground to stand on. My approach would be to take what time is left before she leaves and do things that leaves no doubt in her mind that I think she is special. Then you have to let it go unless you find some evidence which would show she doesn't feel the same way. Next time (if there is one) try getting to know them first before you dive into the pool. Edited August 1, 2020 by schlumpy
Wiseman2 Posted August 1, 2020 Posted August 1, 2020 If you think she's promiscuous for sleeping with you quickly then don't date women that you don't respect.
basil67 Posted August 1, 2020 Posted August 1, 2020 8 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: If you think she's promiscuous for sleeping with you quickly then don't date women that you don't respect. It's the opposite problem: He's all wigged out because she only wants to sleep with him. Sounds like he's the promiscuous one and he's projecting. 1
Author gringoloco Posted August 1, 2020 Author Posted August 1, 2020 17 minutes ago, schlumpy said: It's a quandary you are in but somewhat of your own doing. The relationship is brand new and there is no substantial ground to stand on. My approach would be to take what time is left before she leaves and do things that leaves no doubt in her mind that I think she is special. Then you have to let it go unless you find some evidence which would show she doesn't feel the same way. Next time (if there is one) try getting to know them first before you dive into the pool. yes I messed up at the beginning. The truth is I was still licking my wounds from a previous relationship that ended quite badly, and I needed to move on to something else to forget. Turns out I ended up liking her more than I had planned. We don’t even have time left until september. But everytime we are out we do couple-like activities. Last time we saw each other on Thursday I brought her to an amazing restaurant and she really liked it. I tried to take things slower after our first few meetings because I didn’t want this relationship to crash and burn like my previous one. We talked about doing things in September etc... I didn’t want to sound too cringe and go « i love you » and stuff because that’s just not true at this point and I want us to get to know each other. Also I am trying to protect myself from a potential disappointment by not getting too emotionally involved. I knew I wasn’t gonna see her for a month so I tried to keep my expectations low. It’s a tough balance 1
Author gringoloco Posted August 1, 2020 Author Posted August 1, 2020 23 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: If you think she's promiscuous for sleeping with you quickly then don't date women that you don't respect. I don’t think that, but I really couldn’t get how she seemed so « lovestruck » after only a few hours spent together. She said she had had several dates but had never felt that before etc... In the moment it seemed very naive to me. But as time passed I myself started to get attached
Author gringoloco Posted August 1, 2020 Author Posted August 1, 2020 40 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: She could be thinking the same thing about you: you went to be with her right away, so maybe you do that all that time, too. I'm not saying you do, of course, but that line of worry goes both ways. You and she both demonstrated to each other that you will have sex with someone within hours of meeting them. Of course you are right, the question is how do we reassure each other
schlumpy Posted August 1, 2020 Posted August 1, 2020 How about a special surprise for her when you so get back together that her thoughts can dwell on?
Acacia98 Posted August 1, 2020 Posted August 1, 2020 35 minutes ago, elpandillero said: don’t know how you figured this out but yeah clearly that plays a big part in my anxiety. I wouldn’t say she was « comfortable » doing so, she mentioned she « didn’t want to be a one night stand » but yes we ended up at her place and had sex on first date after only 3 hours spent together talking. That got me very surprised. It was right after quarantine but still. The next day she already seemed in love. That’s what has me worrried Your part in all of this is missing, you know? I mean, yes, she had sex with a relative stranger after 3 hours of conversation. But so did you. If that makes her promiscuous, it suggests the same about you. If it makes her fickle, it says the same about you. And, yes, she asked for exclusivity after 4 dates. So you believe she's building something on a flimsy foundation? But she's building that "something" with you. I mean, you did go along with it. If you're actually hesitant about any of these things, your actions aren't communicating it to her. To me, you seem to be passively going along with the direction she sets, even when you have doubts about it. (To her, you might seem to be in love for all we know.) And then, instead of having a frank conversation with her about not being entirely comfortable with the speed at which things are progressing, you're casting her in a negative light and somehow managing to maintain a neutral view of yourself in this thread. You should talk to her. And you should play a more active role in setting the tone of this relationship. If that means slowing things down, so be it. If it means ending things, so be it. 3
ExpatInItaly Posted August 1, 2020 Posted August 1, 2020 3 minutes ago, elpandillero said: Of course you are right, the question is how do we reassure each other No. It's how do you reassure yourselves.
Author gringoloco Posted August 1, 2020 Author Posted August 1, 2020 (edited) 25 minutes ago, Acacia98 said: Your part in all of this is missing, you know? I mean, yes, she had sex with a relative stranger after 3 hours of conversation. But so did you. If that makes her promiscuous, it suggests the same about you. If it makes her fickle, it says the same about you. And, yes, she asked for exclusivity after 4 dates. So you believe she's building something on a flimsy foundation? But she's building that "something" with you. I mean, you did go along with it. If you're actually hesitant about any of these things, your actions aren't communicating it to her. To me, you seem to be passively going along with the direction she sets, even when you have doubts about it. (To her, you might seem to be in love for all we know.) And then, instead of having a frank conversation with her about not being entirely comfortable with the speed at which things are progressing, you're casting her in a negative light and somehow managing to maintain a neutral view of yourself in this thread. You should talk to her. And you should play a more active role in setting the tone of this relationship. If that means slowing things down, so be it. If it means ending things, so be it. I didn’t explain it all in here. Basically when she had that exclusivity talk with me I reacted exactly like you said. I told her that we had only seen each other for 4 dates, and that it was surprising me that she was asking that because we just didn’t know each other yet and it seemed to go too fast to me. Then she went numb for 30minutes. Like she couldn’t speak at all. She was hesitant to even stay over that night. In the end she realized why I reacted like that and she sent me a long message the next morning explaining that she felt the urge to ask me that due to past negative experiences (of being cheated) but that she didn’t want to take things too quick either and just wanted to make sure that we appreciated seeing each other. She made herself very vulnerable to me, but I liked the fact that she knew she was going too fast, and was conscious of her habits too and trying to work on it. I said that I understood and that to me it was natural to become sexually exclusive with the person I was seeing regularly. We had that talk a month ago, then we moved from there. It’s been going slower and in a healthier / more balanced way since So i don’t think i ve been passive at all Edited August 1, 2020 by elpandillero 1
Author gringoloco Posted August 3, 2020 Author Posted August 3, 2020 Well we managed to see each other one last time yesterday There was a lot of affection display It's obvious we're starting to really like each other. I suppose I m worried because I know what happens when I get too attached and things don't go how I hope. Usually the aftermath is an emotional disaster and I end up depressed and stressed for a few months, it can even affect my work which is very dangerous. I'll just hope for the best and enjoy my holidays in the meantime. 2
ExpatInItaly Posted August 3, 2020 Posted August 3, 2020 5 minutes ago, elpandillero said: It's obvious we're starting to really like each other. I suppose I m worried because I know what happens when I get too attached and things don't go how I hope. Usually the aftermath is an emotional disaster and I end up depressed and stressed for a few months, it can even affect my work which is very dangerous. I'll just hope for the best and enjoy my holidays in the meantime. To be fair, this is true for many people. Nearly all of us have been a wreck after a break-up at some point in our lives, and many find it affects their work too. Relationships always involve an element of risk. But the reward for taking that risk can also be tremendous. So, yes, enjoy your holidays. Relax. Look forward to seeing her again.
Wiseman2 Posted August 3, 2020 Posted August 3, 2020 24 minutes ago, elpandillero said: know what happens when I get too attached and things don't go how I hope. Usually the aftermath is an emotional disaster and I end up depressed and stressed for a few months, it can even affect my work which is very dangerous Talking to someone for a couple of months shouldn't turn into this type of meltdown if things don't work out.
Author gringoloco Posted August 3, 2020 Author Posted August 3, 2020 16 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Talking to someone for a couple of months shouldn't turn into this type of meltdown if things don't work out. I agree. But still it happens I have had my fair share of hookups and meaningless relationships for the very large part of my 20s Now I have reached 30 and I am in a phase of my life where I am really trying to form a connection with someone for the long run. That's why it's harder to cope with when it doesn't work out
Acacia98 Posted August 3, 2020 Posted August 3, 2020 6 hours ago, elpandillero said: Now I have reached 30 and I am in a phase of my life where I am really trying to form a connection with someone for the long run. That's why it's harder to cope with when it doesn't work out Is there anything that you do that helps you to cope in crisis? Meditation, prayer, some hobby/activity? If you make it a regular part of your life, it can help you stay grounded if things (not just relationships) don't go too well.
Author gringoloco Posted August 3, 2020 Author Posted August 3, 2020 3 hours ago, Acacia98 said: Is there anything that you do that helps you to cope in crisis? Meditation, prayer, some hobby/activity? If you make it a regular part of your life, it can help you stay grounded if things (not just relationships) don't go too well. I do a lot of sports especially running, and I play a lot of guitar. It helps during breakdowns, but despite looking cold/tough to others I m quite sentimental and when I am hurt I take a long time to recover I don’t know how some people manage to be so detached 2
Author gringoloco Posted August 8, 2020 Author Posted August 8, 2020 (edited) It’s been a week already and she’s been texting / sending pictures everyday but still it’s not easy. Next she’s going to an eastern europe country with a friend who is single and I can’t help but feel that bad things will happen. There could be a way we could see each other at least once if i was coming back home earlier than planned from a trip next wednesday, but I don’t know if I should modify my plans just to see her. I don’t have much holidays and I have had a tough year, so I don’t know if I should change it all just for her. It would be easy to do though. I just don’t know what to expect from her, she pushed me to be exclusive quick, and now that she’s away, she could very well be tempted to forget it all. I feel like when you don’t see someone you lose the connection quickly, epseciall after such little amount of time we’ve known each other Edited August 8, 2020 by elpandillero
ExpatInItaly Posted August 8, 2020 Posted August 8, 2020 11 minutes ago, elpandillero said: There could be a way we could see each other at least once if i was coming back home earlier than planned from a trip next wednesday, but I don’t know if I should modify my plans just to see her. I don’t have much holidays and I have had a tough year, so I don’t know if I should change it all just for her. It would be easy to do though. No. Don't enable your anxiety like this. You have to learn to trust a little more, or this will never work.
Author gringoloco Posted August 8, 2020 Author Posted August 8, 2020 16 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: No. Don't enable your anxiety like this. You have to learn to trust a little more, or this will never work. don’t you think she might be disappointed? And think that I dont’ care ? I ve had a girl in who I had a total trust in the past. We spent 3 years together and I ve never doubted her once. But we had developped a very strong bond, and I knew she had strong morals, and she was also a bit less social so maybe a I though there was less risk. With this girl, I just didn’t get the time to get to know her that well. And my most recent experience has taught me that it really takes time to know people....
ExpatInItaly Posted August 8, 2020 Posted August 8, 2020 5 minutes ago, elpandillero said: don’t you think she might be disappointed? And think that I dont’ care ? No, why would she? She knew you had a holiday booked. If she's rational and mature, she's not going to be upset that you're not changing around your plans to see her for just one day. Don't give yourself excuses to enable your own insecurity. This isn't about what she might think; it's about your fears. Deal with them accordingly without projecting on to her.
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