DarrenB Posted July 31, 2020 Posted July 31, 2020 Sounds like you are not emotionally ready to proceed with a proper relationship right now. We've all been severely deprived of plans due to the current pandemic, so it's completely understandable that people are trying to make up for lost time. You admitted back in your post from January that you are over-analyzing and it looks like you've continued with that negative approach. Never assume someone is going to be unfaithful just because they're going on a trip with a friend/s - there's an abundance of activities to do that do not revolve around physical intimacy with another person. I suggest you call up a friend or plan a small gathering. Keep yourself occupied with other people because it seems the more you're on your own, the more you exhibit anxious thoughts.
Author gringoloco Posted July 31, 2020 Author Posted July 31, 2020 55 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: All you can do is wait and see if any of those suppositions are correct. You and she are both leading with anxiety and fear here, though. My guess is she wanted to become exclusive right away because she knew she'd be gone on holidays, and didn't want you feeling at liberty to see other women while she was away. It just so happens that your holidays overlap. Now you're both paranoid. At the end of the day, nobody can ever know with 100% certainty what their partners do when their heads are turned. People can hide things at 2 months in, or 20 years in. That's what trust is all about. The problem here is that your anxiety is creeping because you two still don't know each other that well so you have no real frame of reference for her baseline character and conduct. It's a risk you took by agreeing to be her boyfriend without really knowing whose boyfriend you were agreeing to be. This will all be a learning experience. You'll see if she is trustworthy, and you will be put to the test by believing that she will tell you if she hooked up with someone else. It’s a learning experience, for sure I’ m too afraid of being hurt and that stops me from developping long term relationships. The only thing is It will be hard to know if she is trustworthy because I really don’t see her admitting she cheated (if she was to) during holidays. I myself would not disclose it if I wanted the relationship to keep going. You can’t be that honest. So I will never know it and that will likely haunt me in September if we keep seeing each other
Author gringoloco Posted July 31, 2020 Author Posted July 31, 2020 (edited) I don’t even know what level of texting to use from now on, because I don’t wanna be texting everyday just to keep her attention. But on the opposite if i go radio silent their are higher chances she might think I m not interested anymore Edited July 31, 2020 by elpandillero
DarrenB Posted July 31, 2020 Posted July 31, 2020 4 minutes ago, elpandillero said: I don’t even know what level of texting to use from now on, because I don’t wanna be texting everyday just to keep her attention. But on the opposite if i go radio silent their are higher chances she might think I m not interested anymore Why should it be any different from the past 2 months you've been doing it? Again, you're over-analyzing this... 2
Author gringoloco Posted July 31, 2020 Author Posted July 31, 2020 2 minutes ago, DarrenB said: Why should it be any different from the past 2 months you've been doing it? Again, you're over-analyzing this... Yes but I haven’t been texting much the past 2 months, so if I keep doing this with the distance and temptations she might just think I m gone....
Author gringoloco Posted July 31, 2020 Author Posted July 31, 2020 53 minutes ago, DarrenB said: Sounds like you are not emotionally ready to proceed with a proper relationship right now. We've all been severely deprived of plans due to the current pandemic, so it's completely understandable that people are trying to make up for lost time. You admitted back in your post from January that you are over-analyzing and it looks like you've continued with that negative approach. Never assume someone is going to be unfaithful just because they're going on a trip with a friend/s - there's an abundance of activities to do that do not revolve around physical intimacy with another person. I suggest you call up a friend or plan a small gathering. Keep yourself occupied with other people because it seems the more you're on your own, the more you exhibit anxious thoughts. You’re right, when I am on my own I tend to focus on negative thoughts and they are eating me. I need to invest more in my friendships because I tend to forget it all when I m in a relationship with someone and that’s very unhealthy...
ExpatInItaly Posted July 31, 2020 Posted July 31, 2020 10 minutes ago, elpandillero said: I don’t even know what level of texting to use from now on, because I don’t wanna be texting everyday just to keep her attention. But on the opposite if i go radio silent their are higher chances she might think I m not interested anymore Why do you frame this between two extreme poles? There is a lot of happy middle ground between texting every day and going radio silent. And yes, if you go radio silent she will assume you’ve lost interest so I hope you’re not actually considering doing so. The language you use to describe all of this is very telling, though. You speak of not knowing whether she’s been unfaithful “haunting” you in September. It’s an interesting and dramatic choice of word. My sense, reading between the lines and reflecting on your descriptions of your thoughts, is that you are not even sure you want to be in a relationship with this woman. You admit you were uncomfortable agreeing to be her boyfriend so soon, and in some ways it looks like you’re searching around for an exit hatch now. I’m hazarding a guess that on some level, you’re looking to see if someone will suggest just breaking up now. At your very core, and without any judgment, are you sure you want to be in this relationship? Are you uncomfortable with the idea that you already have this woman as your girlfriend? 4
ShyViolet Posted July 31, 2020 Posted July 31, 2020 4 hours ago, elpandillero said: It's not so much the cheating It's not knowing. Because let's be clear, she knows that if she admits cheating I will leave straight away, so she would never tell it to me. So I will be left wondering what could have happened during those weeks, and I have the feeling it won't do me much good This is a problem with you, not with her. This relationship is in its infancy, only 2 months, and you are already insecure and letting "what if's" take over your mind. Yes it's always possible that a partner could do something while you are not around, without you knowing. There's no way to guarantee that this won't happen unless you attach a body cam to her 24/7 or hire a spy to follow her around. But this is no way to have a relationship. This is extremely unhealthy behavior and you need to just trust her. If you don't trust her, then you can't have a relationship with her.
ShyViolet Posted July 31, 2020 Posted July 31, 2020 1 hour ago, elpandillero said: The only thing is It will be hard to know if she is trustworthy because I really don’t see her admitting she cheated (if she was to) during holidays. I myself would not disclose it if I wanted the relationship to keep going. You can’t be that honest. So I will never know it and that will likely haunt me in September if we keep seeing each other You are sabotaging this relationship for no reason. You're telling yourself stories of bad things happening that haven't even happened, and that there is no reason to even believe they will happen. It almost sounds like you're not ready to be in a relationship. Maybe you need to go to therapy to work on these insecurities that you have. 1
Author gringoloco Posted July 31, 2020 Author Posted July 31, 2020 1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said: Why do you frame this between two extreme poles? There is a lot of happy middle ground between texting every day and going radio silent. And yes, if you go radio silent she will assume you’ve lost interest so I hope you’re not actually considering doing so. The language you use to describe all of this is very telling, though. You speak of not knowing whether she’s been unfaithful “haunting” you in September. It’s an interesting and dramatic choice of word. My sense, reading between the lines and reflecting on your descriptions of your thoughts, is that you are not even sure you want to be in a relationship with this woman. You admit you were uncomfortable agreeing to be her boyfriend so soon, and in some ways it looks like you’re searching around for an exit hatch now. I’m hazarding a guess that on some level, you’re looking to see if someone will suggest just breaking up now. At your very core, and without any judgment, are you sure you want to be in this relationship? Are you uncomfortable with the idea that you already have this woman as your girlfriend? I sincerely like her, but it’s so recent that I don’t really know where I stand I don’t know what she saw in me that made her be so sure that she wanted to be with me so quickly. We barely know each other. Apart from the physical aspect, We haven’t had the time yet to develop a strong mental connection. That’s why I am so insecure about not seeing her for a month. Had we seen each other for a longer time and had we had the time to develop a strong bond, I would have been less anxious
Author gringoloco Posted July 31, 2020 Author Posted July 31, 2020 42 minutes ago, ShyViolet said: You are sabotaging this relationship for no reason. You're telling yourself stories of bad things happening that haven't even happened, and that there is no reason to even believe they will happen. It almost sounds like you're not ready to be in a relationship. Maybe you need to go to therapy to work on these insecurities that you have. of course they are reasons to believe they will happen. I might have trust issues, but i m also realistic. Wishful thinking leads to nothing but disappointment usually
smackie9 Posted July 31, 2020 Posted July 31, 2020 (edited) 3 hours ago, elpandillero said: I m wondering why she encountered guys like that in the first place. She's a good looking girl but she seems to lack self confidence and that's what worries me. It's more common than you think...for women at least good looks doesn't always = confidence. I know some real killer looking women that are so insecure. One of them forbid her BF from going to the mall because girls will be there. The doofus ended up having a kid with her "roll eyes" So I don't think it's a bold move...it's a move made by motivation. Edited July 31, 2020 by smackie9
Acacia98 Posted July 31, 2020 Posted July 31, 2020 2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said: The language you use to describe all of this is very telling, though. You speak of not knowing whether she’s been unfaithful “haunting” you in September. It’s an interesting and dramatic choice of word. My sense, reading between the lines and reflecting on your descriptions of your thoughts, is that you are not even sure you want to be in a relationship with this woman. You admit you were uncomfortable agreeing to be her boyfriend so soon, and in some ways it looks like you’re searching around for an exit hatch now. I’m hazarding a guess that on some level, you’re looking to see if someone will suggest just breaking up now. And on that note, I'm actually here to suggest that you do her the kindness of ending the relationship now, OP. You've managed to make it sound like there's something fundamentally wrong with this woman for doing something perfectly normal (liking you well enough to know that she wants to focus on you after four dates). And you're making her insecurities (as you imagine them) sound ominous, but you seem to have similar insecurities. So why aren't you anxious about the possibility that you will cheat on her? I get the impression you're going to dump her eventually. Of course I could be wrong. You're in a better position than I am to sense if that's something you're gonna do. If it is, then it would be far kinder for you to end things now. If you do decide to take that path, you could tell her the truth: that you thought you were ready to date again, but you really weren't; you still have trust issues due to your previous experiences. 2
Author gringoloco Posted July 31, 2020 Author Posted July 31, 2020 1 hour ago, Acacia98 said: And on that note, I'm actually here to suggest that you do her the kindness of ending the relationship now, OP. You've managed to make it sound like there's something fundamentally wrong with this woman for doing something perfectly normal (liking you well enough to know that she wants to focus on you after four dates). And you're making her insecurities (as you imagine them) sound ominous, but you seem to have similar insecurities. So why aren't you anxious about the possibility that you will cheat on her? I get the impression you're going to dump her eventually. Of course I could be wrong. You're in a better position than I am to sense if that's something you're gonna do. If it is, then it would be far kinder for you to end things now. If you do decide to take that path, you could tell her the truth: that you thought you were ready to date again, but you really weren't; you still have trust issues due to your previous experiences. I am not planning on dumping her at all. I have doubts because I m pretty sure I am not the first one with who she reproduces this course of action. Let’s say we both have a difficult relationship past. I like her, but at the same time I ve had a girl in the past serving me the same « i don’t want you to see other girls etc... » only to tell me she was still thinking about her ex a few dates later To me the fact that she says she wants to be exclusive doesn’t mean much It could just be a way to try to lock me into a relationship, while she could be doing whatever she wants when she s on her own with her friends
Gaeta Posted July 31, 2020 Posted July 31, 2020 (edited) 30 minutes ago, elpandillero said: I have doubts because I m pretty sure I am not the first one with who she reproduces this course of action. Let’s say we both have a difficult relationship past. I like her, but at the same time I ve had a girl in the past serving me the same « i don’t want you to see other girls etc... » only to tell me she was still thinking about her ex a few dates later To me the fact that she says she wants to be exclusive doesn’t mean much It could just be a way to try to lock me into a relationship, while she could be doing whatever she wants when she s on her own with her friends What course of action? You mean asking for exclusivity? Do you know that a big % of daters do address exclusivity after only 4-5 dates. I had a man in the past cheating on me and I never EVER worried my boyfriend could cheat on me. I have a long list of things men did to me in past relationships and I do not assume or fear my boyfriend will betray me the same. Why I don't ? because I have properly addressed my fear before dating again. How long have you been single? What is soooo special about you that she'd want to be in a relationship with you but sleep around? Are you rich? Are you her boss? What does she have to gain by keeping you in her life as a boyfriend while deep down she wants to sleep around? Edited July 31, 2020 by Gaeta 1
ShyViolet Posted August 1, 2020 Posted August 1, 2020 7 hours ago, elpandillero said: of course they are reasons to believe they will happen. I might have trust issues, but i m also realistic. Wishful thinking leads to nothing but disappointment usually Do you want to be in this relationship, or not? Because you sound like you subconsciously don't. You are talking about this relationship as if it's a ticking time bomb just waiting to self-destruct. And she hasn't even done anything wrong. You don't sound ready to be in a relationship. You should do this girl a favor and just end it, until you are ready to be in a relationship. 1
Mystery4u Posted August 1, 2020 Posted August 1, 2020 14 hours ago, elpandillero said: It's not so much the cheating It's not knowing. Because let's be clear, she knows that if she admits cheating I will leave straight away, so she would never tell it to me. So I will be left wondering what could have happened during those weeks, and I have the feeling it won't do me much good I know what I'm worth, but that doesn't stop me from not trusting people It's because I know what I am worth that I don't want to be played with and waster my time This is all your problem, in your head. You are insecure, untrustworthy, and quite simply not ready to be in a committed relationship. You are the one letting your past dictate your present and future. This is all on you, sounds like you are the one wasting her time, and it's really emabarassing. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted August 1, 2020 Posted August 1, 2020 10 hours ago, elpandillero said: I sincerely like her, but it’s so recent that I don’t really know where I stand I don’t know what she saw in me that made her be so sure that she wanted to be with me so quickly. We barely know each other. Apart from the physical aspect, We haven’t had the time yet to develop a strong mental connection. I think this is another major cause of your concern. This whole relationship has moved faster than you are comfortable with. You committed yourself without being ready.
Author gringoloco Posted August 1, 2020 Author Posted August 1, 2020 10 hours ago, Gaeta said: What course of action? You mean asking for exclusivity? Do you know that a big % of daters do address exclusivity after only 4-5 dates. I had a man in the past cheating on me and I never EVER worried my boyfriend could cheat on me. I have a long list of things men did to me in past relationships and I do not assume or fear my boyfriend will betray me the same. Why I don't ? because I have properly addressed my fear before dating again. How long have you been single? What is soooo special about you that she'd want to be in a relationship with you but sleep around? Are you rich? Are you her boss? What does she have to gain by keeping you in her life as a boyfriend while deep down she wants to sleep around? I haven’t been single for long, something like 4 months. There’s nothing that special about me, apart from the fact that I don’t cheat, I don’t lie and I am a relatively nice guy
Author gringoloco Posted August 1, 2020 Author Posted August 1, 2020 2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said: I think this is another major cause of your concern. This whole relationship has moved faster than you are comfortable with. You committed yourself without being ready. Well, at the end of the day If i m seeing someone regularly I would rather be exclusive with that person. I told her when she asked that that I thought it was early and we didn’t know each other well yet (that was a month ago). But I guess she understood that it was early to talk about a relationship and she told me that all she wanted was to be sure I wasn’ t sleeping around. To be honest that’s a fair request, but now I m supposed to assume she will do the same. That’s tricky when I don’t know her that well yet. I haven’t even seen her interact with other people.
ExpatInItaly Posted August 1, 2020 Posted August 1, 2020 6 minutes ago, elpandillero said: I told her when she asked that that I thought it was early and we didn’t know each other well yet (that was a month ago). But I guess she understood that it was early to talk about a relationship and she told me that all she wanted was to be sure I wasn’ t sleeping around. Perhaps I misunderstood. Do you two consider yourselves boyfriend/girlfriend, or just exclusive sexually? The two don't necessarily go hand-in-hand.
Author gringoloco Posted August 1, 2020 Author Posted August 1, 2020 7 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: Perhaps I misunderstood. Do you two consider yourselves boyfriend/girlfriend, or just exclusive sexually? The two don't necessarily go hand-in-hand. Well we’ve never used the terms boyfriend/girlfriend. At this stage we are just sexually exclusive and we agreed that we want to keep things going in september and that in order to do that we need to remain committed.
ExpatInItaly Posted August 1, 2020 Posted August 1, 2020 4 minutes ago, elpandillero said: Well we’ve never used the terms boyfriend/girlfriend. At this stage we are just sexually exclusive and we agreed that we want to keep things going in september and that in order to do that we need to remain committed. Got it. All you can do is see (come September) if you're ready to trust enough to enter an actual relationship. If you feel this will haunt you, it's your sign that you're probably not.
Author gringoloco Posted August 1, 2020 Author Posted August 1, 2020 21 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: Got it. All you can do is see (come September) if you're ready to trust enough to enter an actual relationship. If you feel this will haunt you, it's your sign that you're probably not. How could it not haunt me though? I don’t know her well enough to be able to fully trust her. Had we spent a year together before those holidays it would have been different
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