gringoloco Posted July 31, 2020 Posted July 31, 2020 Hi Everyone, So I (30 yo) am starting to really like this girl (28 yo) that I have been seeing for approximately 2 months now. We've been seeing each other once a week, and quite quickly she mentioned that she wanted us to become exclusive so we are as of now. The issue is that due to our holiday schedules, we won’t see each other at all in August. She has several trips planned with friends, including some trips with her best friend who is a single lady. I am someone who doesn’t trust easily, so obviously I am worried that she might cheat on me while away. We said we wouldn’t see other people, but you know life happens and it’s not like we’ve been together for years... Also if this was to happen there is a high chance that she wouldn’t tell me about it... This is really bugging me, and at the same time I guess the wisest approach is to just let it be as I can’t do much about it. At the same time, I know she is also worried because she has mentioned several times that she didn't know how I would behave on holidays and I told her that I know how to control myself and that I like the dynamic there is between us It's just that we've only been seeing each other for 8 weeks, so I don't know her or friends that well (inc. faithfulness history), and that makes me worried I can't tell how things will be in September, and this surely brings anxiety Any advice on how to behave / relax ? PS : if you want to understand why I have trouble giving my trust see my former post 1
Gaeta Posted July 31, 2020 Posted July 31, 2020 Geez, you've been dating 8 weeks and you're ready to control each other. If she cheats, she cheats, you'll dump her and move on. An 8 week relationship has no value, nothing lost. At 2 months you are in your honeymoon phase, normal people wouldn't even look at someone else because you are so much into that new person in your life. Are you going to chase other women while she's gone? Are you gonna be able to say no to temptation? Of course other women won't interest you! Because you're excited about that new girlfriend. Same thing for her, she has a new boyfriend she's excited about she's gonna go back to. 4
Author gringoloco Posted July 31, 2020 Author Posted July 31, 2020 18 minutes ago, Gaeta said: Geez, you've been dating 8 weeks and you're ready to control each other. If she cheats, she cheats, you'll dump her and move on. An 8 week relationship has no value, nothing lost. At 2 months you are in your honeymoon phase, normal people wouldn't even look at someone else because you are so much into that new person in your life. Are you going to chase other women while she's gone? Are you gonna be able to say no to temptation? Of course other women won't interest you! Because you're excited about that new girlfriend. Same thing for her, she has a new boyfriend she's excited about she's gonna go back to. She was quick to ask me to be exclusive (like after 4 dates !) I found that a bit odd and I was surprised by it at the beginning, but I am at stage in my life where I just can't imagine sleeping with several women at the same time anymore. So I agreed to it in the end. Well I agree that if she cheats I can just dump her, but the issue is I won't know it unless she is honest enough to tell it to me Will I resist to temptation? well as you say at the moment I don't want to see any other girl anyways because she is in my head.... It's just that a month for something so new seems like a very long time... 1
Blind-Sided Posted July 31, 2020 Posted July 31, 2020 Yep...... what @Gaeta said. If you can't keep your fears in check after only dating 2 months... then you shouldn't really be dating. (you aren't mentally ready)
Gaeta Posted July 31, 2020 Posted July 31, 2020 Elpandillero: There is nothing you can do. If she asked for exclusivity it means she really likes you and doesn't want to share you, women aren't sex hungry beasts, one month with no sex is not a big deal. I had 1 date with my ex-husband before he left for middle-east and I waited the 7 months for him, we were married 15 years. It's all about how motivated you are in that person. 2
ExpatInItaly Posted July 31, 2020 Posted July 31, 2020 8 minutes ago, elpandillero said: Well I agree that if she cheats I can just dump her, but the issue is I won't know it unless she is honest enough to tell it to me Exactly. You either have to trust that she will be honest and tell you, or call this whole relationship off. What other option do you have, really?
Calmandfocused Posted July 31, 2020 Posted July 31, 2020 Am I right in thinking that you’ve only actually seen your girlfriend 8 times? This relationship is not even in its infancy. It has only just been born! In which case it may just fizzle out anyway. Op, my advice is do not worry about what may or may not be. This relationship is brand new and therefore could go in so many directions. Focus on enjoying it and getting to know her. These worries will achieve nothing except push her away.
d0nnivain Posted July 31, 2020 Posted July 31, 2020 As you pointed out you have difficulty trusting. That is an issue in you. Nothing we can say or do will magically make you calm down. You do have to measure your level of angst against what you are possibly losing, which is very little. It's a fledging relationship not a decades long marriage. 2
Author gringoloco Posted July 31, 2020 Author Posted July 31, 2020 1 hour ago, Calmandfocused said: Am I right in thinking that you’ve only actually seen your girlfriend 8 times? This relationship is not even in its infancy. It has only just been born! In which case it may just fizzle out anyway. Op, my advice is do not worry about what may or may not be. This relationship is brand new and therefore could go in so many directions. Focus on enjoying it and getting to know her. These worries will achieve nothing except push her away. yes you are right, I have litterally only seen her 9 times It has only been born but at the same time we have already committed to only sleep with each other (she was the one asking that, i was actually a bit reluctant!). In my previous relationship it took 3 months to only get there! I know I need to just chill out and enjoy my life outside of her in order to be balanced, but I fear losing the connection with her if we only speak once in a while through texts (I m not a big texter...)
d0nnivain Posted July 31, 2020 Posted July 31, 2020 (edited) 8 minutes ago, elpandillero said: I fear losing the connection with her if we only speak once in a while through texts (I m not a big texter...) Then talk to her about your expectations. You don't have to become a "big texter" but make the effort stay in touch. Work it out in advance that you will have some phone calls & maybe a video chat or two while you are apart. It's a month, not a year. Edited July 31, 2020 by d0nnivain
snowcones Posted July 31, 2020 Posted July 31, 2020 (edited) I understand... I tend to be the jealous type and I haven't even been cheated on like you have. Lol Maybe this will help you......think about the people who are in relationships who can't be together all the time due to work. Like military families or touring musician spouses. How do you think they deal with their constant being away from each other? They have it WAY worse than you and your 1 little month departure. Maybe you can focus on how good you have it and illicit some thought control. Or, maybe you can focus on how the distance will create a lot of built up anticipation to see each other and how sexy it's going to be when you two finally reunite. Try to see the good in it and maybe that will override your anxiety. Edited July 31, 2020 by snowcones
smackie9 Posted July 31, 2020 Posted July 31, 2020 If it were me I would drop the exclusivity until she gets back.
Mystery4u Posted July 31, 2020 Posted July 31, 2020 OP sorry but this is just pathetic on your part. It's been 2 months and already you don't trust her?! She is going away and your first thought is she will cheat on you... That shows you have low self confidence and don't think much of yourself. Instead your thought should be 'I'm great and I know what I can offer to a woman. She won't cheat because she can see that and appreciates me. If she does cheat then it will be her loss and I will find someone who does appreciate me.' If she is going to cheat she will, if not she won't. You can't change that. What you can do is trust her. Otherwise what's the point? If you don't have that mindset you are not ready for a relationship, as you will end up losing her. 2
Author gringoloco Posted July 31, 2020 Author Posted July 31, 2020 37 minutes ago, smackie9 said: If it were me I would drop the exclusivity until she gets back. It's tempting, but if I do it I wouldn't bother getting back with her afterwards Also if she thinks the same way then that's pretty sad ....
Author gringoloco Posted July 31, 2020 Author Posted July 31, 2020 9 minutes ago, Mystery4u said: OP sorry but this is just pathetic on your part. It's been 2 months and already you don't trust her?! She is going away and your first thought is she will cheat on you... That shows you have low self confidence and don't think much of yourself. Instead your thought should be 'I'm great and I know what I can offer to a woman. She won't cheat because she can see that and appreciates me. If she does cheat then it will be her loss and I will find someone who does appreciate me.' If she is going to cheat she will, if not she won't. You can't change that. What you can do is trust her. Otherwise what's the point? If you don't have that mindset you are not ready for a relationship, as you will end up losing her. It's not so much the cheating It's not knowing. Because let's be clear, she knows that if she admits cheating I will leave straight away, so she would never tell it to me. So I will be left wondering what could have happened during those weeks, and I have the feeling it won't do me much good I know what I'm worth, but that doesn't stop me from not trusting people It's because I know what I am worth that I don't want to be played with and waster my time
FMW Posted July 31, 2020 Posted July 31, 2020 16 minutes ago, elpandillero said: It's not knowing Unless you are shackled to someone 24/7, you will never know. Someone that comes home to you every night can be cheating. This is about you - if you truly can't trust then you shouldn't be doing anything other than casually dating until you get a handle on your own insecurities. Lots of us have been cheated on, sometimes in long marriages. You either come to terms with things and are willing to trust again, or you never really connect again. 1
Gaeta Posted July 31, 2020 Posted July 31, 2020 18 minutes ago, elpandillero said: It's not knowing. Because let's be clear, she knows that if she admits cheating I will leave straight away, so she would never tell it to me. Why would she go through the trouble of asking exclusivity if she doesn't believe in it? I remind you she's the one who asked for exclusivity and it takes guts to do that for a woman. If she wanted to party and get laid in that trip she would have delayed the exclusivity talk till she comes back. Also, if she cheats on a boyfriend that's 1 week official it's because you're not in her mind so not that important, so again why would she go through the trouble of lying to you and the effort of maintaining that lie for months or years to come for an unimportant relationship? 2
Author gringoloco Posted July 31, 2020 Author Posted July 31, 2020 (edited) 21 minutes ago, Gaeta said: Why would she go through the trouble of asking exclusivity if she doesn't believe in it? I remind you she's the one who asked for exclusivity and it takes guts to do that for a woman. If she wanted to party and get laid in that trip she would have delayed the exclusivity talk till she comes back. Also, if she cheats on a boyfriend that's 1 week official it's because you're not in her mind so not that important, so again why would she go through the trouble of lying to you and the effort of maintaining that lie for months or years to come for an unimportant relationship? Well from what I gathered she had bad experiences in the past so I guess she feared I would be a f***boy like the others but I m not, or at least not anymore I though it was early for that kind of request. Made me a bit uncomfortable. I mean you don't really know someone after 4 dates. At the same time as you said I thought it was quite a brave move from her. That's why have trouble understing her motivations Edited July 31, 2020 by elpandillero
Gaeta Posted July 31, 2020 Posted July 31, 2020 My couple of relationships out of online were all exclusive after 4 dates. It's like that nowadays. After 4 dates you know if you want to date exclusively, it's not a marriage, it's not even a commitment, it's an understanding you will not sleep with others. Her motivation is not have you sleep around why she's trying to get to know you. 1 2
d0nnivain Posted July 31, 2020 Posted July 31, 2020 2 minutes ago, elpandillero said: Well from what I gathered she had bad experiences in the past so I guess she feared I would be a f***boy like the others but I m not, or at least not anymore That's why have trouble understing her motivations Based on her prior bad experience I would think her motives would be that she wanted to nail you down because she values fidelity & was hurt by other cheaters in the past 2
Author gringoloco Posted July 31, 2020 Author Posted July 31, 2020 48 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: Based on her prior bad experience I would think her motives would be that she wanted to nail you down because she values fidelity & was hurt by other cheaters in the past I m wondering why she encountered guys like that in the first place. She's a good looking girl but she seems to lack self confidence and that's what worries me.
ExpatInItaly Posted July 31, 2020 Posted July 31, 2020 10 minutes ago, elpandillero said: I m wondering why she encountered guys like that in the first place. She's a good looking girl but she seems to lack self confidence and that's what worries me. Are you suggesting she will seek out attention from other men to boost her self-esteem?
Author gringoloco Posted July 31, 2020 Author Posted July 31, 2020 (edited) 11 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: Are you suggesting she will seek out attention from other men to boost her self-esteem? Pretty much, but those are suppositions I’ve seen it happen before my own eyes with previous girls... Edited July 31, 2020 by elpandillero
ExpatInItaly Posted July 31, 2020 Posted July 31, 2020 1 minute ago, elpandillero said: Pretty much, but those are suppositions All you can do is wait and see if any of those suppositions are correct. You and she are both leading with anxiety and fear here, though. My guess is she wanted to become exclusive right away because she knew she'd be gone on holidays, and didn't want you feeling at liberty to see other women while she was away. It just so happens that your holidays overlap. Now you're both paranoid. At the end of the day, nobody can ever know with 100% certainty what their partners do when their heads are turned. People can hide things at 2 months in, or 20 years in. That's what trust is all about. The problem here is that your anxiety is creeping because you two still don't know each other that well so you have no real frame of reference for her baseline character and conduct. It's a risk you took by agreeing to be her boyfriend without really knowing whose boyfriend you were agreeing to be. This will all be a learning experience. You'll see if she is trustworthy, and you will be put to the test by believing that she will tell you if she hooked up with someone else.
Gaeta Posted July 31, 2020 Posted July 31, 2020 20 minutes ago, elpandillero said: Pretty much, but those are suppositions I’ve seen it happen before my own eyes with previous girls... Then what? you move on and work on finding someone better suited for you. It's life. If we didn't feel, didn't hurt, didn't experience disappointment we wouldn't be alive. It's all part of the risk we take when we want to find love. 2
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