What I hate most about internet dating

[Noluck83]

not sure if anyone else gets this, but ive completely given up with Internet dating. Ive just returned from a really nice date but weve decided to remain friends.

Now what really gets to me and its happened numerous times with Internet dating to the point of giving up on it now. I hate how you build thjs connection over the phone. Like the most recent one we just connected instantly & it cant be helped. Im really picky and find it so hard to connect with anyone, i hardly ever swipe yes and when i do its hard to build anything. But this latest one I did, I'd not been this excited to see anyone in years wed talk daily, phone calls at nigbt, she was saying she felt the same and its shocked her so... we plan a date. Now all week i was nervous thinking i hope it doesnt happen again... but it did. We met, it was okay but because youve initially spoke online you build up this image of someone and it hardly ever matches that. She felt the same way clearly as i asked for a 2nd date and she said lets remain friends. So thats what k hate about Internet dating as now i feel like... weirdly like im going through some small break up, which is crazy as we only spoke for 3 weeks and its not her i miss its the person i spoke to on the phone. I miss not having her to talk to. Does anyone else find Internet dating just way too much hard work because of how its all a bit backwards? Building a rapore before youve even met. I cant believe i actually miss talking to someone id initially never even met.  but i dont miss her in person just the connection we were building. Its such a strange feeling. Like missing a hope.

Edited July 31, 2020 by Noluck83

[Noluck83]

Like... i actually woke up today and i miss the girl i was speaking to in my head. If that makes ANY sense whatsoever to anyone else.

[Mystery4u]

20 minutes ago, Noluck83 said:

wed talk daily, phone calls at nigbt

This is your problem right here.

You are putting in way too much effort with someone who you have yet to meet. After matching online etc, you exchange a few messages sure, then you arrange a date. From that moment until the date, you keep the contact minimal. You can check in every few days, but talking daily and phone calls at night is just way over the top. That's something you do AFTER you have met and mutually want to move the relationship forward, not before.

Learn from this mistake.

[Noluck83]

19 minutes ago, Mystery4u said:

This is your problem right here.

You are putting in way too much effort with someone who you have yet to meet. After matching online etc, you exchange a few messages sure, then you arrange a date. From that moment until the date, you keep the contact minimal. You can check in every few days, but talking daily and phone calls at night is just way over the top. That's something you do AFTER you have met and mutually want to move the relationship forward, not before.

Learn from this mistake.

I think in my defence it cant be helped when you click with someone you have a 'want' to talk to them which id feel is healthy. Its difficult when i work away to arrange dates thats why it took a few week but its not easy to connect then suddenly cut all contact to minimal as theres also a fine line that can put someone off if you arent showing much interest. Not sure i totally agree. I would if i wasnt busy and could plan a date relatively easily.

[Mystery4u]

1 minute ago, Noluck83 said:

I think in my defence it cant be helped when you click with someone you have a 'want' to talk to them which id feel is healthy. Its difficult when i work away to arrange dates thats why it took a few week but its not easy to connect then suddenly cut all contact to minimal as theres also a fine line that can put someone off if you arent showing much interest. Not sure i totally agree. I would if i wasnt busy and could plan a date relatively easily.

Right..... well you seem to know it all already and your current method is bringing you great results (not) so sure carry on doing what you are doing, expecting a different result, and carry on being disappointed and doing nothing to solve the issue and just making excuses.

No wonder you can't get past date 1.

[Noluck83]

4 minutes ago, Mystery4u said:

Right..... well you seem to know it all already and your current method is bringing you great results (not) so sure carry on doing what you are doing, expecting a different result, and carry on being disappointed and doing nothing to solve the issue and just making excuses.

No wonder you can't get past date 1.

Wow very aggressive response. I never said i was carrying on, i was merely stating the reasons why i left Internet dating. 

[Acacia98]

35 minutes ago, Noluck83 said:

Wow very aggressive response. I never said i was carrying on, i was merely stating the reasons why i left Internet dating. 

I get the frustration in the sarcastic response. I mean, I wouldn't have chosen to express myself that way, but I understand why Mystery4u did. You see, you are being given a solution to your problem and you are somewhat rejecting that solution.

You do realize that you're not the only person who has that specific complaint about online dating, right? Many people have complained about how easy it is to build a false sense of intimacy or connection through texts and phonecalls before meeting. And the meeting is typically disappointing. The solution in practically all these cases is to minimize the texting and phonecalls until they meet. And the people who do so have better experiences. So yours is not a unique problem. And it's a problem you actually have the capacity to solve if you choose to do so.

Having said that, online dating is not for everyone. So it's perfectly in order for you to choose to meet people offline instead.

[Blind-Sided]

3 hours ago, Noluck83 said:

Like... i actually woke up today and i miss the girl i was speaking to in my head. If that makes ANY sense whatsoever to anyone else.

I understand... but like @Mystery4u said.... "You are putting too much effort into someone you haven't met."    I had sever girls do this to me in my younger life.  One was never even someone I wanted to "Date".   In this case... she was with a group of friends in college.  We hung out all the time... at school.  One time she was at my folks house... but with a group of friends.  Well... on night, she came to my dorm room, and a girl was with me (my now exW) and she flew off the handle, and went totally mental, like I was cheating on her. We never once did a single thing, one on one, and nothing that could be considered even being a "Date".   But she built a relationship in her head that did not exist, and when reality hit... she couldn't handle it. 

OK... I know that's an extreme case... but that wasn't the only time in my life that append to me.  But when you obsess about someone, and make things more than they are... then you need to take a step back, and look into yourself, and ask if that's "Reality." 

So... in the future... make contact... make a call or two... and then make a date.  Do not "Phone Date" or Video Chat date... because that's not reality. 

[Velvet teddy]

2 hours ago, Noluck83 said:

I think in my defence it cant be helped when you click with someone you have a 'want' to talk to them which id feel is healthy. Its difficult when i work away to arrange dates thats why it took a few week but its not easy to connect then suddenly cut all contact to minimal as theres also a fine line that can put someone off if you arent showing much interest. Not sure i totally agree. I would if i wasnt busy and could plan a date relatively easily.

What happened when you met in person?

Why didnt she meet your expecations and vice versa.

This is exactly the problem with talking to people for weeks before meeting. Which is why i think majority of guys don't usually take that route. 

[Gaeta]

I was online for a long time so I know all the traps to not fall in. 

When I connected with someone I met them within a few days, often I met them within 48 hours. If they told me they were away on business trip or unable to meet for 7 days then I told them to get back in touch with me when they got back in town. I was not gonna chat someone every day without having met them face to face. 

Now, if a woman demands you entertain her on text for days before meeting, drop her. Most of the time she is trying to build an online connection first so when you meet it'll be harder to dump her. Those are insecure women with hang ups on their weight or look. You want to meet a confident woman that has no problem grabbing a coffee after 1-2 conversations. 

[Maldives]

Yep online dating sucks you are right it's very hard to translate from chatting to meeting the person in person it's a different type of connection. If you think about it online dating is really designed to keep you coming back and paying a subscription being the sites end goal. A photo of a person ain't gonna garauntee much . I've been on and off em for almost 4 yrs now plenty of dates and no luck. It's like a candy store where they keep looking and looking endlessly for something better to come along. I actually went to the very first post on this forum which took me way back to 2002 and wow I was blown away at the sheer difference in dating back then to now. Now we have all these new nuances like ghosting. Back then it really was much more real people connecting in real life not the net. Yes I agree it sux and I still continue to use em lol I'm trying to get off em too not easy as a lot of people are on em 

Edited July 31, 2020 by Goodguy05

[snowcones]

yeah, this is really a conundrum of online dating.  It's tough because you WANT to build that emotional connection first, and it doesn't feel worth meeting someone if you haven't built a connection first, but you kind of have to do it in reverse with online dating.  You have to meetup as quickly as possible and then develop the emotional connection after you establish that you two are attracted to each other in person.  This is really hard I know, for so many reasons.  I guess just keep trying but ask to meetup right away.  Like after you chat for a day or two.  A week or chatting is the absolute longest you should go before meeting up in person and that should only be because you can't make your schedules line up. Beyond that and you're entering into the danger zone. 

[notbroken]

I always thought the purpose of 'online dating' was to meet in person and actually date.  No long series of chats.  No endless texting.  Set up an actual date and see if you REALLY 'click'.   Stop wasting your time with endless communication until you meet.  Tell them that in the beginning.  If they aren't on the same page then they need a pen pal instead of a real date.  

[Ruby Slippers]

I agree that you message a little, then have ONE phone call to assess intellectual/conversational compatibility, then meet for the first date. I learned that you know hardly ANYTHING until you meet and see how the energy between you is. So don't do more than a little bit of messaging and a phone call. I always liked it when a guy would keep in light touch via text every day until the date - but not these ongoing text exchanges. Just a "how's your day?" kinda check in and a little bit of messaging to make it clear you're both excited to meet. Anything more than that is too much.

[poppyfields]

Hey Noluck, just chiming in to say I can 100% relate to your need to build a bit of a rapport first before meeting. A mental connection if you will.  I need that too!

I know myself very well and meeting someone (a virtual stranger) without that is a total waste of time for me.  I have tried it and I felt too nervous, uncomfortable and pressured for an attraction/chemistry to develop.

Good looking guys too, but again, nothing happening on my end.

What is interesting is had I met the same man spontaneously at a party or an event, where the pressure to "click" was not there, I might have felt something!  

But with on line introductions, the pressure to "connect" in person  killed it for me, which is why I don't like OLDing.  And whenever I used it, I preferred to build a rapport and develop a mental connection first. 

Which is exactly what happened with my now boyfriend of almost three years.  We chatted on line for a little over two weeks, developed a connection, met in person, and clicked!  

And here we are today, talking marriage.  .   

Everyone approaches on line dating differently, there is no wrong or right way imo.

Like many posters have stated, the "norm" is having a couple of text exchanges, talking on phone once (which my bf and I never did prior to meeting), then meeting in person before developing any real rapport or mental connection with the person.

But that does not work for everyone, including myself, for reasons stated above. 

FWIW, my opinion is it's OK to develop a rapport and connection first, a certain comfort level.

BUT do not allow yourself to get swept away by that and thinking this is gonna be some grand love story where you will meet and live happily ever after OR that a relationship will develop from it.

In short, do not allow yourself to become attached to the outcome.  Your attitude should be, I met this great person on line, we click, we have a connection, let's meet to see if the physical connection matches the mental connection. 

By physical connection, I mean your physical energy in person.  Which is much different from the mental energy you felt on line.

If it does not, sure it's disappointing, but not so devastating you feel you want to give up OLDing altogether.

It's all a numbers game as the saying goes.  Just keep going until it all fits - the mental energy, physical energy and spiritual energy if you believe in that. 

Keep it all in proper perspective and you should be fine. 

 

Edited July 31, 2020 by poppyfields

[snowcones]

1 hour ago, Ruby Slippers said:

I agree that you message a little, then have ONE phone call to assess intellectual/conversational compatibility, then meet for the first date. I learned that you know hardly ANYTHING until you meet and see how the energy between you is. So don't do more than a little bit of messaging and a phone call. I always liked it when a guy would keep in light touch via text every day until the date - but not these ongoing text exchanges. Just a "how's your day?" kinda check in and a little bit of messaging to make it clear you're both excited to meet. Anything more than that is too much.

Right on the money.

[Versacehottie]

You've already been given lots of great advice on here.  I would just add that even if you are away and cannot meet right away, probably best not to carry on lots of texting and talking beforehand.  You said it yourself, OP, that you miss the girl you were speaking to in your head.  You are making a fantasy out of the person that may or may not be.  She might be doing the same thing too.  And it's all based on fantasy not the person that is the real flesh and bone one. So that's a great reason not to do this.  

[ShyViolet]

As other people are saying, it's usually a good idea to meet in person right away to see if you have chemistry.  Don't waste your time talking to them online or on the phone for weeks before meeting in person.  Just do the real-life meetup right away.  That way, you have your answer early, instead of wasting weeks investing in someone when you are not sure it will lead to anything.

[kendahke]

11 hours ago, Noluck83 said:

We met, it was okay but because youve initially spoke online you build up this image of someone and it hardly ever matches that.

That's the artificial construct of who you want them to be instead of who they actually are. The longer you carry out the initial phases in your head, the stronger the construct becomes, the less inclined you are to give the actual person the chance you give the artificial construct.

Quote

weirdly like im going through some small break up, which is crazy as we only spoke for 3 weeks

For me that's 2 weeks too long.

My OLD policy is to meet within 7 days so that nothing is being constructed in either of our heads about who the other is. If they dont' want to meet, I end communication with them. There is no point because there really is such a thing as the "why bother?" syndrome that happens when you drag on the initial parts of the interaction for far too long to the point where you've convinced yourself it's not worth your time to follow through.

Relationships that are lived out in the head for too long kill off the chances of a real actual relationship taking root and growing.

[kendahke]

10 hours ago, Noluck83 said:

I think in my defence it cant be helped when you click with someone you have a 'want' to talk to them which id feel is healthy.

Save the initial talking for when you're seated across from them...  After you two have been able to suss out each other's energy in person, then is when you amp up the talking all night every night.

Your defense allowed the guy with the bomb to come in and set it off and blow your expectations sky high.

Edited July 31, 2020 by kendahke

[Phallacy]

I’ve given up 100x before too

[Wiseman2]

Are you advertising?

[Phallacy]

Typically the women looking for a connection before meeting are pre screening.

Some will start asking about your job and living situation. Nope. Drop her

Some will ask about your relationship history. Nope. Drop her

See, if she met an attractive guy in real life, she’d be flirting and not scaring him away.

I grant 1 phone call before a date and sure as f*** don’t text daily.

If she’s a Debbie Downer about online dating then forward her to a therapist.

If she says friends first? Tell her you don’t sleep with your friends.

Easy Peazy

[SincereOnlineGuy]

This thread is thus far akin to going to a prison to learn from felons how not to become a felon.

 

If you want to barely encounter someone and then ask them out on a date, in haste...  that's why you go to a bar.

 

If you want to sit across from someone and have an empty conversation that requires alcohol on both sides to keep going... that's why you go to a bar.

 

If you can't handle the idea of encountering someone online, and engaging their minds for some amount of time without YOU YOURSELF painting perfection into the 99.9% of them which you don't know... and then falling stupidly for the perfection YOU painted...   that's on YOU...  it's not on "online dating"  or on the random person you met.

 

Those with these mindsets are the same clueless people who blame FACEBOOK for their own stupid ritual of putting all of their identifiable personal data in the same place.

 

"Online dating"   doesn't have to be done from a website that is charging you for the practice/opportunity.   And true online dating is never done in the haste that so many here are espousing.  By nature it CAN'T be done that way...  or you're merely  meeting some other irrelevant person at a coffee shop,  or at a bar.

In those situations it is doubly on YOU  for your unengaging spirit  not seeming to woo the other person into immediate enthrallment.

 

"Online dating"  by its true nature absolutely requires  some amount of shared personal investment prior to any real-life encounters, as otherwise you're doing the equivalent to viewing pornography and then trying to make that photo somehow turn into a real person (at your local Starbucks) (and there is approximately  zero chance of that).

 

 

[basil67]

8 hours ago, Phallacy said:

Typically the women looking for a connection before meeting are pre screening.

<snip>

I grant 1 phone call before a date and sure as f*** don’t text daily. 

I'm guessing you're single.