womanscorned Posted October 11, 2005 Posted October 11, 2005 Hello all, I'd like to hear some advice because I am pretty fed-up and down. I became an OW (like many I suppose) by accident. I have been with my husband a LONG time, we have had many ups and downs, twice so bad that we were going to divorce. We decided to stick with it for the sake of the kids. That was seven years ago and it has been tough. My husband and me did alright but I often felt lonely and trapped. Along comes a cute guy at my work (married, with young kids). We got on great and have a laugh together. It brightens my day. Soon we were IMing, calling all the time and meeting together for lunches, coffees etc. After about a year of this it moved up a notch to being 'more than friends'. We started finding places to hang out and it got more and more physical. This went on for another year and a half. It wasn't just 'fun' to me. He gave me some sparkel in my life, a reason to get up in the morning. We spoke first thing in the morning and last thing at night. Early this year his wife found out about us and he confessed all. Shortly after this he came to me to say that we weren't to contact each other, avoid each other at work etc. Basically, I was dropped like a hot stone. I never thought this guy was going to leave his wife for me, but somehow I didn't think I would hust get dropped from a great height so heartlessly. He has not tried to speak to me since then. I feel so stupid and used. My 'knight in shining armour' seems not to give a damn about my feelings now. Has this ever happened to anyone else? Was he just using me. I feel so dumb but at the same time I miss him so much. My life feels so empty now. How can I miss someone so much who has treated me so badly. Right now, I feel disposable, like some cheap whore. Has anyone been through something similar? How did you start to feel better about yourslef?
newbby Posted October 11, 2005 Posted October 11, 2005 How did you start to feel better about yourslef? by realising he wasnt worth feeling bad about myself for;)
OldEurope Posted October 11, 2005 Posted October 11, 2005 Scorned, there is not a SINGLE woman out there who has not at some point felt what you are feeling to some degree or another, whether young and naive or older and wiser. You must understand that in the wonderful, exasperating experience that is womanhood there is going to be here and there the occasional wolf who sneaks into your affections all dressed up and soft like the lamb he is disguised as only to pull that suit off soon enough. You are feeling as if you are the ONLY one going through what you are going through but you are most definately not. As for your husband and yourself, you are to be commended for struggling to make the marriage work, even sacrificing your feelings for your kids's well being (as you saw it). Having to put up with that--well who could BLAME you for having an affair at that point? Please. Just be most pleased that this affair did not drag on for years with promises of marriage and the rest. In fact, consider yourself lucky. You will read stories here where women hang on to that for quite some time (and you know, it is "understandable" to a degree, given the overwhelming power of the emotions and the desire for love). As I often say, just smooth out your skirt, polish your hair, put on those pearls and keep your chin up up up. You feel a loss of dignity. How to recover it? First, you will not make the same mistake again and you will not put yourself in this kind of situation again (unless you divorce and start SELECTIVE dating as a single) Secondly, one way to recapture self worth is to volunteer a bit of your time to someone or something else: whether its extra oodles of love for your kids or starting them on a new sport OR contributing to a veterans fund OR bringing stuffed animals to sick kids in a hospital. It is actually very nice that you want to confront and get this out of your system like a quick, brief disease, rather than covering up with stupid drugs or drinking. Believe me, you are almost half way home. OE
crazy_grl Posted October 11, 2005 Posted October 11, 2005 I don't see this man's behavior toward you (ceasing contact with you) as being a negative character trait for him. He's been found out and is trying to salvage his marriage. If he's going to do that, he can't continue contacting the OW. How can you feel like he was using you when you were doing the same to him? If your husband had found out and asked you to stop contacting him, wouldn't you do that to save your own marriage?? I don't see that he's used you any more than you were using him (unless maybe you would have chosen him over your H). You have to realize that his committment is to his W. He made none to you, and so her feelings come first just like your H's feelings should come before your OM's.
Seigal Posted October 13, 2005 Posted October 13, 2005 Hello all, I'd like to hear some advice because I am pretty fed-up and down. I became an OW (like many I suppose) by accident. I have been with my husband a LONG time, we have had many ups and downs, twice so bad that we were going to divorce. We decided to stick with it for the sake of the kids. That was seven years ago and it has been tough. My husband and me did alright but I often felt lonely and trapped. Along comes a cute guy at my work (married, with young kids). We got on great and have a laugh together. It brightens my day. Soon we were IMing, calling all the time and meeting together for lunches, coffees etc. After about a year of this it moved up a notch to being 'more than friends'. We started finding places to hang out and it got more and more physical. This went on for another year and a half. It wasn't just 'fun' to me. He gave me some sparkel in my life, a reason to get up in the morning. We spoke first thing in the morning and last thing at night. Early this year his wife found out about us and he confessed all. Shortly after this he came to me to say that we weren't to contact each other, avoid each other at work etc. Basically, I was dropped like a hot stone. I never thought this guy was going to leave his wife for me, but somehow I didn't think I would hust get dropped from a great height so heartlessly. He has not tried to speak to me since then. I feel so stupid and used. My 'knight in shining armour' seems not to give a damn about my feelings now. Has this ever happened to anyone else? Was he just using me. I feel so dumb but at the same time I miss him so much. My life feels so empty now. How can I miss someone so much who has treated me so badly. Right now, I feel disposable, like some cheap whore. Has anyone been through something similar? How did you start to feel better about yourslef? First, I think you need to realize that there were never any sincere feelings between the two of you. Relationships like the one you had are predicated entirely on selfishness -- you both risked the feelings of your respective families because you made each other feel good. In a sense, you both used one another. Had you actually had sincere feelings between the two of you, you would've realized how self-destructive your relationship was and mutually agreed to end it out of concern for one another. Swallowing that pill should make it easier for you to deal with the loss of his 'affection.' Second, you should *seriously* question whether you were ever really entitled to his feelings anyway. I mean, let's not beat around the bush; you did a bad thing. You not only risked significantly destabilizing your own family, but you assisted him in possibly destabilizing his. Marriage isn't one of those commitments you can take random vacations from and pop back into when you've had enough time away. If you're at the point where you can cheat on your husband with a co-worker, you're at a point where you can step into your big girl shoes and seek a divorce. Staying with it for your kids is a poor decision; if your children ever find out that you've been unfaithful, they'll resent you for it. Consider the possibility that this 'tossed to the curb' experience that you're dealing with is karma's way of educating you on your actions. Hopefully now that you've lived through the suffering that goes with having been betrayed by someone you supposedly cared about, you'll be less likely to put others (such as his wife) in situations where they risk experiencing similar suffering.
Sunset Posted October 13, 2005 Posted October 13, 2005 Woman scorned your story has many similarities to mine. I too am married two young children, went through a bad patch in my marriage, met a man who was temping at my work (he not married but had a girlfriend and two girls same age as mine). He was lovely to talk to, we talked primarily about the children, then he confessed he fancied me and it went from there. Saw him in secret many times, fell completely in love. Long story but basically I had fallen for a cakeman, what I thought was sincere was just words, I got let down and hurt really bad. My self esteem suffered an all time low, I got depressed, lost my spark for life and just felt guilty and used. The relationship with OM ended with him still adamant he loved me. I stopped seeing him and felt very hurt, could not stop thinking about him. Recently we met up for 'coffee' a few times but it was a big mistake. He was like an octupus, very overbearing and for me the trust had gone although when I looked in his eyes I could feel myself melting again. So the question on how to stop yourself - different for me because I don't work with him anymore and our paths don't naturally cross. I am working at weaning myself off in the October NC gang - see other thread - and although I have my down days, the girls and Art are great at picking people up when down. Why not join us there?
MustB1 Posted October 13, 2005 Posted October 13, 2005 From your post I find it hard to beleive you did not think HE would leave his wife for you. I think you set up this "fling" in your own head as more than it was. Your story is just like so many others, it is the same story of the guy not really being attached and the woman being attached and then being dumped. This guy wasn't your night in shinning armour, he was quickie sex, and lies and deceit. Now, if you are going to try to be honest with yourself IF he had left his wife and proclaimed his love for you, would you have left your H? DO YOU LIVE YOUR LIFE only SECURE when a guy takes care of you? And who is takingcare of you now? Your H? If you would have left for him, I really think you should leave your H and let him find happiness. I am sure your pain is real, but also so self inflicted. You spent two+ years not making your marriage any better. That's sad.
liswil Posted October 19, 2005 Posted October 19, 2005 Wow---reading your post I felt like I had written it( (except I'm not married). You even used the same words I did--disposable. My situation is very similiar to yours. Just the other day he told me we won't ever talk or see each other again--he told his wife. I walked away crying and he just drove right off. Just a few days before he was making VERY suggestive comments towards me. The thing is though, I don't think he told his wife the real story. And I just might tell her.
whichwayisup Posted October 19, 2005 Posted October 19, 2005 He picked his wife, decided to start living his vows. Sorry that he broke your heart but it was the right thing for him to do. Don't belittle the experience, I'm sure he felt exactly what you felt...It was wasn't appropriate due to the fact each of you were married. His wife took him back with the condition of no contact, so if he wants his marriage to work, he has to stick to it no matter what. Read DazednConfused thread (wife made stupid mistake in the infidelity section), he was the betrayed spouse. His wife cheated on him and together they're fixing the marriage. She HAD to follow his rule. Be an open book and NO CONTACT with OM. ... Just as right now, your exMM has made that promise to his wife. He is SO lucky she took him back. I'm sure he knows this is his second chance and he isn't going to blow it. Just don't internalize this and make it all about you. It isn't. He has no choice. Get some therapy if you need help coping, but I think once you take a step back and see the whole picture, it will make more sense. Focus on your husband and your family now.
womanscorned Posted October 19, 2005 Posted October 19, 2005 I know that what I did was a 'bad thing'. I don't need to be told that. As for it just being a fling that wasn't quite how I saw it. For years my husband and me have stayed together for the kids. He was the one who asked me for a divorce and I begged him to think it over for their sake. We came to an arrangement where we get on alright, we support each other in work things, but the marriage itself would have probably ended if it hadn't been for the kids. I was lonely. I told the OM so many things - about my marriage, about my alcoholic father and ...so many things. He knew my marriage was over. He was always so supportive. He gave me a reason to smile in the morning. He did not talk too much about his family but I got the impression that it was headed the same way as my marriage only his kids were younger. Yes I saw us having a future together at some point. I just could not have imagined him not in my life. It is the fact that he has cut me off without any feelings that hurts so much. I feel like I have lost my soul mate but he doesn't seem to feel this way. He never met me to tell me he still loved me afterwards. it was like a brick wall came down. How did I get it so wrong? I know we went about in the wrong way but I really thoguht he felt the same way as me. Now it seems I was just conveniet - a thrill. But then why did he spend so much time helping me, talking to me, making me feel better? I am a proud woman. I don't let my guard down easily. I feel humiliated. I don't feel like throwing myself into my marriage. My husband told me years ago that he wanted a divorce. I feel like I have lost the chance to ever really experience love. WS
liswil Posted October 19, 2005 Posted October 19, 2005 I'm not going to say "work on your marriage". I think it's stupid for people to say that someone should work on it NO MATTER WHAT. You've worked on yours and came to a conclusion. Not everyone HAS to come to the conclusion that theirs is a good marriage. I don't know why people think everyone HAS to come to that conclusion. I'm going to start a post on mine so as not to take over your thread. Maybe mine will help you somewhat---at least knowing you're not alone. I know exactly how you feel.
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