Wiseman2 Posted August 4, 2020 Share Posted August 4, 2020 Sounds like wedding jitters. You need to stop ruminating and decided if you really want to marry her or marry at all. Are you being pressured into this? This nonsense about a broken engagement previously is simply your anxiety about marriage manifesting as this non-issue. If you are getting married in a church you'll need premarital counseling. Start now. Perhaps you simply can't handle or don't want to be married. Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted August 4, 2020 Share Posted August 4, 2020 Have you looked into or booked an appointment the therapist or therapy of choice? If not then do so post haste. The sooner you start dealing with this the better you will feel about it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author explosivetomato Posted August 4, 2020 Author Share Posted August 4, 2020 42 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Sounds like wedding jitters. You need to stop ruminating and decided if you really want to marry her or marry at all. Are you being pressured into this? This nonsense about a broken engagement previously is simply your anxiety about marriage manifesting as this non-issue. If you are getting married in a church you'll need premarital counseling. Start now. Perhaps you simply can't handle or don't want to be married. I’m not being pressured no. I really want nothing more than to be her husband but am just sick with anxiety of all that comes before. I understand your view and of course it’s something I’ve thought about, but that’s not it, not at all. I just can’t see it as a non-issue and as a couple of other posters have mentioned, this is an issue for some. Why would we need premarital counselling to marry in a church? I don’t think we’re doing that anyway. Also - premarital counselling isn’t really a thing in the UK, not like it is in the USA. Link to post Share on other sites
Author explosivetomato Posted August 4, 2020 Author Share Posted August 4, 2020 30 minutes ago, schlumpy said: Have you looked into or booked an appointment the therapist or therapy of choice? If not then do so post haste. The sooner you start dealing with this the better you will feel about it. Looking into NLP just now alongside self-study CBT. It “feels” like my brain is playing tricks on me so these 2 seem the best to go with. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted August 4, 2020 Share Posted August 4, 2020 On 8/1/2020 at 10:37 AM, explosivetomato said: No. The sexual thing wasn’t with here’s fiancé it was with a casual fling, not the ex fiancé I feel bad about, so nothing on the comments. The sexual thing is a tiny part of my jealousy, I can live with it. I need to point out that I read the FB comments about a year ago. Its not something I still do so can’t really answer your question. In general I just feel that as she was engaged before, as at the time she didn’t choose to end it, that I’ll always on some level be a second choice. This doesn’t make sense to some people as she didn’t know me then, but it’s how my brain works. I also feel that if we get engaged society will by default view it as lesser than her first one - that her ex will always be considered the “real” one. I know she won’t see it that way, but I’m worried others will and it will stress me out and bring out a lot of hurt and anxiety. We actually discussed this last night (she actually has a tiny touch of insecurity herself about my ex, nothing as bad as me though). She said her family etc all know that this is a much bigger deal than the past, that she was young and didn’t know what she wanted etc etc. I do believe her but still these feelings remain. You feel like she will always view the first guy as the one that got away because he ended it. She would never tell you that she felt this way even if she did. Some women have left the husband/boyfriend for the one that got away. Some men have also. This doesn’t mean your fiancé will. That is just a chance you have to take to be with her. How in the heck did you find out about the sex thing? Link to post Share on other sites
Author explosivetomato Posted August 4, 2020 Author Share Posted August 4, 2020 7 minutes ago, usa1ah said: You feel like she will always view the first guy as the one that got away because he ended it. She would never tell you that she felt this way even if she did. Some women have left the husband/boyfriend for the one that got away. Some men have also. This doesn’t mean your fiancé will. That is just a chance you have to take to be with her. How in the heck did you find out about the sex thing? It’s posts like this that make me realise what I really think about all this and make it even more frustrating that I’m worried. You are suggesting that because he ended it and only because of that, that he is the one who got away and she’ll look to rekindle it. This was nearly a decade ago. She was practically a child. He was a cheat, they had a terrible physical relationship and he lied about money. He lives several countries away from us. She has shown no signs of any hang up about it so why would she possibly be considering this? I got dumped at 24 myself (the age she split with her ex). We weren’t engaged but were serious and together 2 years. I now view her as nothing more important than a casual acquaintance from school or my early years in work. It feels like that happened to a different person. What you suggest is what I fear, yet if I look logically at what’s in front of me it seems clear that it’s not the case. I don’t know why my brain is so fixated on this. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted August 4, 2020 Share Posted August 4, 2020 Tomato, decide. Do you want to marry her or not? Do you want to marry at all or not? It doesn't matter where you live or if premarital counseling is a thing. You need it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author explosivetomato Posted August 4, 2020 Author Share Posted August 4, 2020 5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Tomato, decide. Do you want to marry her or not? Do you want to marry at all or not? It doesn't matter where you live or if premarital counseling is a thing. You need it. Yes and yes. Why are you even questioning that when I’ve said that all along?! This will all hopefully be sorted long before the wedding so counselling won’t be happening. Asking my gf to go to counselling is drawing attention to a problem that as you say, is a non-issue so what good will that do? Link to post Share on other sites
Author explosivetomato Posted August 4, 2020 Author Share Posted August 4, 2020 2 minutes ago, explosivetomato said: Yes and yes. Why are you even questioning that when I’ve said that all along?! Wanting to marry her is not the problem yet you seem to be claiming it is. This will all hopefully be sorted long before the wedding so counselling won’t be happening. Asking my gf to go to counselling is drawing attention to a problem that as you say, is a non-issue so what good will that do? Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 4, 2020 Share Posted August 4, 2020 (edited) 20 hours ago, explosivetomato said: I’ve no doubt I’m a better match. She’s loyal, loving and makes that clear. She’s outright said it when I’ve asked and has insisted that even though he ended it, they’d be long finished now anyway. I also sometimes feel sad thinking about them planning their wedding and how her, her family etc won’t get the same level of excitement when we do. I’m so sorry if this sounds harsh, but I had a death in the family last night and I’m a little raw right now. I don’t know that I should be posting, but then again... things get pretty clear at a time like this. So, if this is too harsh... please know that it is offered with kindness. What I really wanted to say when I read the bolded quote is - get over yourself already! Life is too short and love is too important when it comes our way to ruin it because you have the idea that her parents won’t have the same excitement for your wedding as this other wedding to the guy who was a compulsive liar, a cheat, and couldn’t have sex. If you don’t see the end of that relationship as a blessing in disguise and a reason to celebrate your engagement, then something is really wrong with you... Don't place road blocks where there should be none... In terms of your relationship, love the woman. Propose to her. Plan a joyful wedding and live your lives together. Life is meant to be lived forward, not backward. You are seriously missing out on so much if you don’t decide to let this go - make a decision to not attend to these thoughts and focus on the blessings. Seriously, you are blessed to have found a woman who loves YOU and wants to be with YOU - that is a gift that many people don’t get. Be grateful for that. Get some counselling and be grateful for what you have. Edited August 4, 2020 by BaileyB 2 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author explosivetomato Posted August 4, 2020 Author Share Posted August 4, 2020 20 minutes ago, BaileyB said: I’m so sorry if this sounds harsh, but I had a death in the family last night and I’m a little raw right now. I don’t know that I should be posting, but then again... things get pretty clear at a time like this. So, if this is too harsh... please know that it is offered with kindness. What I really wanted to say when I read the bolded quote is - get over yourself already! Life is too short and love is too important when it comes our way to ruin it because you have the idea that her parents won’t have the same excitement for your wedding as this other wedding to the guy who was a compulsive liar, a cheat, and couldn’t have sex. If you don’t see the end of that relationship as a blessing in disguise and a reason to celebrate your engagement, then something is really wrong with you... Don't place road blocks where there should be none... In terms of your relationship, love the woman. Propose to her. Plan a joyful wedding and live your lives together. Life is meant to be lived forward, not backward. You are seriously missing out on so much if you don’t decide to let this go - make a decision to not attend to these thoughts and focus on the blessings. Seriously, you are blessed to have found a woman who loves YOU and wants to be with YOU - that is a gift that many people don’t get. Be grateful for that. Get some counselling and be grateful for what you have. Thanks for the response and I’m really sorry to hear if your loss. Please don’t feel anything you said was harsh! To prevent myself going round in circles I’ll try to follow what you have said. A curious issue I have with this is that posting online about it seems to be my trigger - I’ve brought it up on Reddit and on here before and even though people are helpful it seems the compulsion to write about it / receive validation is what keeps this behaviour going. When I managed to go a month recently without listing anything I felt so much better, as if it didn’t matter at all. Then out of curiosity I put up a Reddit post asking about it to see if I was still bothered and lo and behold I’m back at square one. Lots to think about and thanks again for your response. Hope you are doing ok in a challenging time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 4, 2020 Share Posted August 4, 2020 Something to talk to the CBT counsellor about... Otherwise, you will drive yourself crazy by overthinking this, ruin a good relationship, and miss out of what should seriously be the best part of your life. Take care. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted August 4, 2020 Share Posted August 4, 2020 34 minutes ago, explosivetomato said: This will all hopefully be sorted long before the wedding so counselling won’t be happening. Asking my gf to go to counselling is drawing attention to a problem that as you say, is a non-issue so what good will that do? This previous engagement is a non-issue, in and of itself. However, your intense anxiety and obssessive thoughts are not a non-issue. That is where counselling can help, both the individual and the couple. How you approach her and the relationship is a product of your thoughts and feelings, as it true for us all. It's very unlikely you'll be able to keep all of this bottled up and compartmentalized, and not start to see it seep into your interactions with her. So while they are your issues to deal with, they will eventually effect you as a couple. Your girlfriend is going to need to understand the most effective ways to respond to it as well. I would absolutely begin with individual counseling, but I would not dismiss the idea of couple's counselling if you two take the next step and get engaged. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted August 4, 2020 Share Posted August 4, 2020 3 hours ago, explosivetomato said: It’s posts like this that make me realise what I really think about all this and make it even more frustrating that I’m worried. You are suggesting that because he ended it and only because of that, that he is the one who got away and she’ll look to rekindle it. This was nearly a decade ago. She was practically a child. He was a cheat, they had a terrible physical relationship and he lied about money. He lives several countries away from us. She has shown no signs of any hang up about it so why would she possibly be considering this? I got dumped at 24 myself (the age she split with her ex). We weren’t engaged but were serious and together 2 years. I now view her as nothing more important than a casual acquaintance from school or my early years in work. It feels like that happened to a different person. What you suggest is what I fear, yet if I look logically at what’s in front of me it seems clear that it’s not the case. I don’t know why my brain is so fixated on this. knowing her like you do, would she ever put herself in a relationship like that again? If no, then stop fearing that you will lose her. It actually sounds like more of a fear of losing her and retroactive jealousy. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted August 4, 2020 Share Posted August 4, 2020 7 hours ago, explosivetomato said: When I managed to go a month recently without listing anything I felt so much better, as if it didn’t matter at all. Then out of curiosity I put up a Reddit post asking about it to see if I was still bothered and lo and behold I’m back at square one. Tomato, Tomato, Tomato, it's in the past. You're engaged now. And yes you'll have to through some sort of premarital counselling. Check with the church you are getting married in. It's not for this issue. It's for general issues such as communication, finances, kids, families, trust, etc. It would be good to get all that stuff out on the table with a neutral professional to start the dialogue. You'll feel better. A lot better than a troll bin like Reddit. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted August 5, 2020 Share Posted August 5, 2020 10 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: You're engaged now. Not yet. Link to post Share on other sites
Acacia98 Posted August 5, 2020 Share Posted August 5, 2020 20 hours ago, explosivetomato said: You are suggesting that because he ended it and only because of that, that he is the one who got away and she’ll look to rekindle it. This was nearly a decade ago. She was practically a child. He was a cheat, they had a terrible physical relationship and he lied about money. He lives several countries away from us. She has shown no signs of any hang up about it so why would she possibly be considering this? I got dumped at 24 myself (the age she split with her ex). We weren’t engaged but were serious and together 2 years. I now view her as nothing more important than a casual acquaintance from school or my early years in work. It feels like that happened to a different person. It's also worth pointing out that, if he hadn't dumped her, she likely would have outgrown him over time. And if your ex hadn't dumped you, you likely would have outgrown her over time. When I personally think back to the occasions on which I was dumped, I realize, with the benefit of hindsight, that me and the guys were terrible matches. If they did not dump me when they did, I would eventually have ended things--once I came to my senses and realized things were not working and it wasn't fixable. Link to post Share on other sites
Author explosivetomato Posted September 3, 2020 Author Share Posted September 3, 2020 Quick update on this. Having good days and bad days. Last week was great and I kept myself busy so didn’t think about it. The past couple of days not so good, and it’s kept me awake at times. Much of what is keeping me awake isn’t the issue itself - logically I can understand that it’s not something I can change nor is it a particularly complex past to take on. One of the main things I am still struggling with is whether or not she would have ended it herself eventually, but I understand I can never know that. The fact it gets to me so much is what keeps me awake - I can’t believe I have become obsessed over this and I’m questioning what is wrong with me and how it got to here. For the first year of our relationship I didn’t care about her past - I even saw photos of exes and didn’t give it a second thought. Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted September 3, 2020 Share Posted September 3, 2020 What's your plan to deal with this? So far nothing has worked and time is not your ally. Link to post Share on other sites
Author explosivetomato Posted September 3, 2020 Author Share Posted September 3, 2020 10 minutes ago, schlumpy said: What's your plan to deal with this? So far nothing has worked and time is not your ally. There’s nothing I really can do to be honest, apart from hope time takes it away. We’re getting on well and it’s not affecting our day to day so not sure why you think I’m under some sort of time pressure to fix this instantly. Link to post Share on other sites
Crazelnut Posted September 3, 2020 Share Posted September 3, 2020 52 minutes ago, explosivetomato said: There’s nothing I really can do to be honest, apart from hope time takes it away. We’re getting on well and it’s not affecting our day to day so not sure why you think I’m under some sort of time pressure to fix this instantly. Time will not take this away. Sorry to be blunt, but YOU have serious issue that requires intervention from a qualified therapist. In layman' terms, you are severely messed up. You are driving yourself crazy by literally making stuff up in your head. You have got to learn to get that under control or you will lose your mind AND your girlfriend. How much clearer can this be? You can't handle your problem on your own. Please don't get engaged until you get yourself sorted out. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted September 3, 2020 Share Posted September 3, 2020 1 hour ago, explosivetomato said: We’re getting on well and it’s not affecting our day to day so not sure why you think I’m under some sort of time pressure to fix this instantly. I was under the impression that you would be engaged soon. Link to post Share on other sites
Author explosivetomato Posted September 3, 2020 Author Share Posted September 3, 2020 24 minutes ago, Crazelnut said: Time will not take this away. Sorry to be blunt, but YOU have serious issue that requires intervention from a qualified therapist. In layman' terms, you are severely messed up. You are driving yourself crazy by literally making stuff up in your head. You have got to learn to get that under control or you will lose your mind AND your girlfriend. How much clearer can this be? You can't handle your problem on your own. Please don't get engaged until you get yourself sorted out. Hopefully I can, disagree that this kind of thing can’t be fixed alone. Very few people go to “qualified” therapists and I don’t trust them anyway. As I’ve said, it’s already gone from something that occupied my headspace 24/7 to something that pops in occasionally. I’m also trying to be more rational. What stories am I making up in my head exactly? I’m not fabricating that she got engaged before... Link to post Share on other sites
Author explosivetomato Posted September 3, 2020 Author Share Posted September 3, 2020 3 minutes ago, schlumpy said: I was under the impression that you would be engaged soon. Yes we will be. Link to post Share on other sites
Crazelnut Posted September 3, 2020 Share Posted September 3, 2020 14 minutes ago, explosivetomato said: What stories am I making up in my head exactly? I’m not fabricating that she got engaged before... Seriously?? Her family will think this engagement or wedding or marriage will be a dry squib. Other people are going to be disappointed. Other people will assume you're 2nd choice. You yourself believe you're 2nd choice. Shall I go on? You haven't been able to solve this on your own. It may be better, but you're still on here, wringing your hands and beating yourself up. What magic do you think is going to fix this? Lots of people see qualified specialists. Link to post Share on other sites
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