FINALLY Met Someone From Online After 10mos. Not Sure How to Take it?

July 29, 2020

Ok, so this thread ties into one I posted months ago here regarding someone I have been talking to for months now, but until recently, had never met:

So, to get up to speed (there's a lot just to cover the basics, so bear with me)... she has continued being on all my social media now for the last 10mos. She would send me memes or links to pages from time to time, or occasionally a message here or there. A couple weeks ago, however, she broke her arm. She was really upset about having to get surgery, and I think it was a wake up call to try to live her life again. Shortly after her breaking her arm, she actually asked me out on a date that weekend! I was completely shocked. I honestly thought I was never going to meet this woman. But, we finally had a date.

The date went well, at least I thought. Coffee date. We spent 3hrs together. Drove her home, but because of how bad her trust issues are, she had me drop her off at the corner of her road rather than her house.

Since then, she still comes and goes. I asked her a couple days after the date if it was even a date. She basically said she needed time to "recharge" and was just looking for friends. She then went on to say that she thought I was "very handsome and interesting" as well as said she wanted to spend more time with me and show me around her area.

Found out more about her too. Basically, since we started talking about 10mos ago (met on a dating site), she has only been on a handful of dates and only tried to date one single person last year. No one else made it past a first date. The one person who did she was off and on with for several months, as he had issues with how slow she was trying to take things (he kept breaking up with her over it; not sure what "slow" meant or any details about it).

After she told me she the whole "just friends" line, she has given me VERY mixed signals. That same day, she then tagged me three times on FB, messaged me several times that afternoon/evening, linked me several things in Instagram, etc. The following weekend, she flaked out on our next get together. A couple days after flaking out, she told me in one message how "she would give anything just to come take a nap with me. Even just a hug would be great." So, only friends, but wants to nap with me?

From all I'm gathering, I take it she has at least some interest here, but is so afraid of getting hurt that she still has her guard up. It is EXTREMELY frustrating, as we have so much in common it's crazy. I've never been as interested in anyone else in my life, which considering I'm in my 40s and have dated plenty of women, says a lot. But, I just feel like I am far more interested in her than she is me, and she seems like she is still not actually ready to date at all.

I feel like I am just setting myself up to get hurt here. I don't want to pass up the opportunity with her, but the more I try to get to know her, the more I am risking getting hurt here. If anyone has any suggestions on what to do and/or how to handle this, I am all ears. I am trying to give her space and let her take things at her own pace, but it's now going on a week and a half and no second date. I'm just not sure how to handle this???

July 29, 2020

To add, one thing that makes things much more difficult for me... I can't date multiple people at once. It's not in my nature. I can't emotionally do it.

My reasoning being is say I was dating two different people. Say things got serious with one of them. It would bother me that while I was building something with them, I was trying to build something with other women too. I have tried it in the past and I can't do it. To me, it just diminishes the value of what you're building with someone. In my opinion, if you have such little interest in someone as to want to keep looking, they're not the one.

That's why this is so risky for me. The more time I spend getting to know her and with her, the more vulnerable I am going to make myself. I can't date other women in that time to in order to soften the blow. I know many people nowadays do, but I literally can't emotionally do it.

July 29, 2020

19 minutes ago, Physx said:

I just feel like I am far more interested in her than she is me, and she seems like she is still not actually ready to date at all.

A lot of mixed signals, guard your heart. Try not to get wrapped up in mysteries.

July 29, 2020

ohhhhh stay away from this one. You are already in the friends zone. She's looking for a cuddle b&*^% and that's the kiss of death. You want to be a BF without benefits? She's gonna use you, keep you are arms length, tell you she's not ready, and then she ends up with some other dude. Walk away buddy, just walk away.

July 29, 2020

3 hours ago, Physx said:

To add, one thing that makes things much more difficult for me... I can't date multiple people at once. It's not in my nature. I can't emotionally do it.

My reasoning being is say I was dating two different people. Say things got serious with one of them. It would bother me that while I was building something with them, I was trying to build something with other women too. I have tried it in the past and I can't do it. To me, it just diminishes the value of what you're building with someone. In my opinion, if you have such little interest in someone as to want to keep looking, they're not the one.

That's why this is so risky for me. The more time I spend getting to know her and with her, the more vulnerable I am going to make myself. I can't date other women in that time to in order to soften the blow. I know many people nowadays do, but I literally can't emotionally do it.

You should date multiple peop,r. Everyone does. You are just cheating yourself.

it takes about 3 dates to find out if this is something to even pursue.

July 29, 2020

Also....you should respect each other’s privacy on a first date and meet somewhere. You don’t know each other yet.

July 30, 2020

16 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

You should date multiple peop,r. Everyone does. You are just cheating yourself.

it takes about 3 dates to find out if this is something to even pursue.

No, certainly not everyone does. And honestly, I don't know how someone is ok with eventually settling down with someone knowing very well that when they first started dating them, they were out making out with, sleeping with, etc. other people. That's just not my thing.

Edited July 30, 2020 by Physx

July 30, 2020

No I get how and why you feel that way she is so flakey too flakey for me if I was you that is. I'd give up it's too too hard her issues are not for you to impart and make her aware of that's for her to find out. Shes gonna have a hard time finding someone who will persist with that kind of flakiness. It may be so that it's her putting her guard up but question is how does it make you feel ? Not good I bet

July 30, 2020

13 minutes ago, Physx said:

No, certainly not everyone does. And honestly, I don't know how someone is ok with eventually settling down with someone knowing very well that when they first started dating them, they were out making out with, sleeping with, etc. other people. That's just not my thing.

People aren’t having sex until they appear to be exclusive.

if you think others aren’t dating you are very naive. People are chatting with many before even talking with one.

July 30, 2020

If I was you and I actually was you with the last one I would let this one go. It was hard for me too because my last date prior was like 6 mths ago and it is very hard to meet someone that lived close by and had no well small kids (I'm 49) but I could already sense some red flag behaviour which made me decide id rather be alone then with someone who is that much hard work. She sounds like hard work and there is a good chance she may flake out and friend zone you I'd be wary gaurd your heart

Edited July 30, 2020 by Goodguy05

July 30, 2020

29 minutes ago, Goodguy05 said:

No I get how and why you feel that way she is so flakey too flakey for me if I was you that is. I'd give up it's too too hard her issues are not for you to impart and make her aware of that's for her to find out. Shes gonna have a hard time finding someone who will persist with that kind of flakiness. It may be so that it's her putting her guard up but question is how does it make you feel ? Not good I bet

Thanks for the feedback, and it really hurts my feelings. I sort of want to flat out tell her how I feel, but I figure all it will do is just push her away more. It's like she WANTS someone who doesn't really care at all. I just don't get it.

I am on the fence of sort of telling her how I feel. It is all just really, really bothering me, and I feel like if I don't say something, I am just going to get more and more frustrated.

July 30, 2020

22 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

People aren’t having sex until they appear to be exclusive.

if you think others aren’t dating you are very naive. People are chatting with many before even talking with one.

Well, you are throwing out a lot of hasty and sweeping generalizations (logical fallacies). I do get what you're saying though. However, that has not been my experience. From my dating experiences, people are all over the board. Some try to sleep with you really quickly, others want to take things slower. And yes, I already know the concerns of sleeping with someone too quickly.

Problem is, I don't have much spare time. As such, I don't have time to spend trying to get to know multiple people at the same time. I barely have enough time for one right now. I mean I could make more time if I felt they were worth it, but I can't waste a ton of my time looking at tons of different options. 90% don't make it past a first date with me anyway. If they do, I try to get to know them from there.

I feel like this is getting way off topic though. Like I said, I cannot emotionally do it. No matter how many sweeping generalizations you throw out there or any reasoning behind it, I simply can't. Again, it's an emotional and mental thing for me that I cannot and will not compromise.

July 30, 2020

9 minutes ago, Physx said:

Thanks for the feedback, and it really hurts my feelings. I sort of want to flat out tell her how I feel, but I figure all it will do is just push her away more. It's like she WANTS someone who doesn't really care at all. I just don't get it.

I am on the fence of sort of telling her how I feel. It is all just really, really bothering me, and I feel like if I don't say something, I am just going to get more and more frustrated.

It's like you said, it will most probably push her away.

Something that I did when I was in a similar situation, almost 10 years ago: I wrote it all down in a long, elaborate letter. The reason I'm writing her, the history of how I came to fall in love with her, what I like about her, why her behaviour hurts me, the reason I'm sad etc. Of course I never gave her that letter or sent it (I think I might still have it somewhere), but taking the time to actually write it all down somehow helped me cope with the situation and eventually get over it.

July 30, 2020

6 minutes ago, Giovane said:

It's like you said, it will most probably push her away.

Something that I did when I was in a similar situation, almost 10 years ago: I wrote it all down in a long, elaborate letter. The reason I'm writing her, the history of how I came to fall in love with her, what I like about her, why her behaviour hurts me, the reason I'm sad etc. Of course I never gave her that letter or sent it (I think I might still have it somewhere), but taking the time to actually write it all down somehow helped me cope with the situation and eventually get over it.

Thanks again for the feedback. I did that already. It's still really bothering me though.

I'm going to have to eventually say something in some way or another. I just don't know the best way to do it. I'll just have to keep it as simple as possible, but get the point across that her actions make me feel like my head is in a much different place, and it hurts (although not necessarily her fault).

July 30, 2020

23 minutes ago, Physx said:

Thanks for the feedback, and it really hurts my feelings. I sort of want to flat out tell her how I feel, but I figure all it will do is just push her away more. It's like she WANTS someone who doesn't really care at all. I just don't get it.

I am on the fence of sort of telling her how I feel. It is all just really, really bothering me, and I feel like if I don't say something, I am just going to get more and more frustrated.

If you hold in how you feel you will just build more resentment and if you tell her depending how it's delivered she may not react to it well. But my advice was walk away from this one. Better still tell her how you feel and be prepared to walk away, but it's your call. Me personally I couldn't put up with that level of flakiness for very long

Edited July 30, 2020 by Goodguy05

July 30, 2020

24 minutes ago, Goodguy05 said:

If you hold in how you feel you will just build more resentment and if you tell her depending how it's delivered she may not react to it well. But my advice was walk away from this one. Better still tell her how you feel and be prepared to walk away, but it's your call. Me personally I couldn't put up with that level of flakiness for very long

While you're lacking a lot of context on the matter, here is at least insight into what I wrote her:

"I'm just going to be completely honest and open here.

There was a time when I was still dating Liz, and I remember laying in bed while I got a message from you. I thought in my head "THIS is the person I want to actually be with, but she either isn't ready or doesn't feel the same."

The problem there is I'm NOT that type of person to feel or think that way when with someone. You were an exception. If you had asked me out back then, I'd have broken up with Liz in a heartbeat just for a chance to see what could be.

It honestly makes me feel embarrassed and humiliated to feel like that towards someone when (based on my perception) in their eyes, I have just been this distant, casual acquaintance. When I'd hear from you from time to time, I'd think "Maybe she is just the runner. Maybe I just need to be patient."

It's not your fault by any means. You simply have different things you're looking for. But I mean last year, there was someone you at least tried with. A year later and 10+ months of knowing you, and I'm the distant friend. That stung a little, but also gave me the hint. I know you try to soften the blow with the whole "time issues," but we make time for what and who we want to make time for. You never tried with me. Softening the blow just gave me false hope honestly. I was single for nearly all of 2019, as well as most of 2020 (excluding two months).

And you reach out when you're upset and I'm always here, but when I was going through my rough times, never once did you ask if I was ok or what I was even going through at that time. You still don't know. Confusing from someone who chose a profession where they help others. I overlooked it for a long time because I'm always so used to being there for others and not getting the same in return.

I gave up until you had asked me out the other weekend. So, while I know you liked the idea of having a friend to spend time with, hopefully you understand my personal emotional dilemma currently. I care too much for my emotional well-being and I'm trying to fix that"

It's probably too much, but I can't think of anything I can take out of it that isn't something I feel really needs to be said. Thoughts???

Edited July 30, 2020 by Physx

July 30, 2020

I would tell her in person. When things are written misunderstandings happen often especially SMS, things are taken out of context again your call good luck

July 30, 2020

2 minutes ago, Goodguy05 said:

I would tell her in person. When things are written misunderstandings happen often especially SMS, things are taken out of context again your call good luck

Great point. Yes, I'll wait until I can at least talk to her on the phone. Who knows when that will even be though. She was blowing me up two days ago, now yesterday and today, absolutely nothing. Goes onto my FB to like things, but not a single word from her. I really don't get her. I know she has C-PTSD, but hard for me to fully grasp that when I don't.

July 30, 2020

She strikes me as a severely wounded bird so caught up in her own drama that she doesn't have much compassion left over for you.

I was going to tell you to be patient that she's misusing the word "friends" to describe what she wants. She is looking for a good guy she can love & trust but it takes time for her to warm up & then it takes even more time for her to agree to a sexual relationship. That is what she most likely means by slow -- no sex.

But then you shared what you wrote to her, about her not being there for you. See, being patient & letting her warm up to you is one thing but her not reciprocating when you are the one who has a need, that . . .well that is just something you can't fix over time. She seems inherently selfish.

Her running hot & cold is not ideal.

Since you are invested, I would set up another meet & talk about your mutual expectations. Tell her again how much her not supporting you hurt. Do find out what she wants, is she open to a relationship in the future once she is more sure she can trust you? Ask her what a relationship looks like in her mind, whether with you or somebody else. Find out if you are willing to give what she needs & get some assurances that she is willing to give you what you need to be happy & loved. If she can't be a good partner to you, best that you not wait 10 more months.

July 30, 2020

IMO if you fear you will push them away, it just shows they are not in it to win it. She pulls you in when she needs attention, but if it get on the romantic side of things, she draws the line by pushing you away.

Telling her how you feel will fall short because how she feels is way more important. It will never score you any points, or get you ahead. That crap only happens in the movies.

Edited July 30, 2020 by smackie9

July 30, 2020

13 hours ago, Physx said:

Great point. Yes, I'll wait until I can at least talk to her on the phone. Who knows when that will even be though. She was blowing me up two days ago, now yesterday and today, absolutely nothing. Goes onto my FB to like things, but not a single word from her. I really don't get her. I know she has C-PTSD, but hard for me to fully grasp that when I don't.

Ive learned this...

just about anything you text can be read in teo two very different ways...

July 30, 2020

2 hours ago, smackie9 said:

IMO if you fear you will push them away, it just shows they are not in it to win it. She pulls you in when she needs attention, but if it get on the romantic side of things, she draws the line by pushing you away.

Telling her how you feel will fall short because how she feels is way more important. It will never score you any points, or get you ahead. That crap only happens in the movies.

Great points. One thing that complicates things with her is that she has C-PTSD. This makes it where approaching her about it is much more delicate. At the same time, you are absolutely right that she seems way more focused on herself than anything else, and C-PTSD is not an excuse for that.

The only way I can see fixing this is if I flat out talk to her about it, albeit in a gentle way, but address it as a problem on my end. If it doesn't change, I step back from all this. Thanks for the feedback.

July 30, 2020

3 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

She strikes me as a severely wounded bird so caught up in her own drama that she doesn't have much compassion left over for you.

I was going to tell you to be patient that she's misusing the word "friends" to describe what she wants. She is looking for a good guy she can love & trust but it takes time for her to warm up & then it takes even more time for her to agree to a sexual relationship. That is what she most likely means by slow -- no sex.

But then you shared what you wrote to her, about her not being there for you. See, being patient & letting her warm up to you is one thing but her not reciprocating when you are the one who has a need, that . . .well that is just something you can't fix over time. She seems inherently selfish.

Her running hot & cold is not ideal.

Since you are invested, I would set up another meet & talk about your mutual expectations. Tell her again how much her not supporting you hurt. Do find out what she wants, is she open to a relationship in the future once she is more sure she can trust you? Ask her what a relationship looks like in her mind, whether with you or somebody else. Find out if you are willing to give what she needs & get some assurances that she is willing to give you what you need to be happy & loved. If she can't be a good partner to you, best that you not wait 10 more months.

Thanks so much for the feedback. Great points here. And yes, she is severely wounded. Like I said in my last post, she has C-PTSD and a long trail of narcissistic boyfriends (and mother). As such, she has a very pessimistic outlook on relationships.

I also do agree that I think she misused the word "friends." What bothers me is the possibility that I'm going through all this on my end and she has other "friends" she is getting to know as well. I don't think there is, but from the way she said things, it seems like it's something she is still considering. I'm not investing this much into someone to be just one of her options.

I also yet again agree that she is coming off as someone who seems very selfish. What is most confusing about that is that she is someone who works in the healthcare field and said she chose it because she likes to help others??? One of the many reasons I don't understand her. Who knows, maybe it's a defense mechanism with me. Either way, if I am going to maintain an interest here, it needs to change.

Anyway, definitely going to talk to her about it, assuming we do talk again anytime soon. Haven't talked the last two days. From what I understand with C-PTSD, it's pretty common to have this push and pull.

I am fine with being patient. What I'm not fine with is not knowing if she feels the same way and not being sure where her head is at.

July 30, 2020

There is nothing to pursue here. She has told you she only wants friendship. You’ll only be hurting yourself trying to work your way up to relationship status.

July 30, 2020

22 hours ago, Physx said:

The date went well, at least I thought. Coffee date. We spent 3hrs together. Drove her home, but because of how bad her trust issues are, she had me drop her off at the corner of her road rather than her house.

Or perhaps she doesn't want her boyfriend to see her date pulling up in the driveway.

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