What does he want?

[notthatintome]

I have been dating a guy for six months. 

It started of NSA, and he made it clear he wasn't looking for a girlfriend, but it really felt like we connected on that first date and I knew at that point it could never be NSA for me.  We kept seeing each other and got on so well, time would pass quickly whenever we were together.  At the beginning of lockdown he mentioned that because of his situation, I was free to sleep with other men.  I was offended by this and thought he was saying it so he could keep his options open.  He was adamant (and still is) that this was not the case and suggested it because he wasn't in a place to give me what I wanted but he still wanted me around.  At the end of lockdown we shared a lovely weekend together -  we shared such a connection and it really felt like we were 'together', they way he acted appeared as though he really liked me.

After he stayed he didn't message for 4 days and during that time I received some pretty tragic news and I was devastated.  He didn't know anything about it because he didn't even bother to pick up the phone.  As I was so upset, I decided to call things off with him.  He was shocked and messaged me everyday to see how I was.  I saw him a week later (for an hour, as a friend) and he wanted to talk about why I ended things.  I said that i needed more of a commitment and he said he needed to sort his life out first and didn't want to label things now but could see it becoming serious with me and that I tick all his boxes.  He just said he couldn't offer that to me now.  I left and I didn't hear from him for four days so I thought that was that and gave into someone who had been hounding me for a date for ages. 

When he eventually messaged, we spoke for some time and I casually mentioned I had to get ready for a date.  Well, after that he was so upset!  He messaged me all of the time, said he didn't want to lose me to someone else and said all the things he liked about me.  He said he felt empty and upset about losing me. He said he felt that connection on that first date, which made me feel better as I was starting to believe it was all in my head.

I carried on with the new date and after two dates it felt like i was an angel sent from the heavens for him - I found it overwhelming and didn't go on a third date. 

Of course the original guy was relieved when this happened.  However, he  said he still can't offer me commitment but wants to see how it goes.  He assures me he is not seeing anyone else and that he doesn't want anyone else who is not me.

Having said that, he is still upset and punishing me for ending things and going on that other date (even though he said I was free to see other people before) and for some of the things I said to him when I was upset.  It feels like he keeps testing me - for example, he said he wants to see me this weekend but then says that he is not sure if it is a good idea and that he is worried I will say nasty things to him again.  I tell him I am fine with whatever he decides but he just needs to let me know -  he hasn't yet. I really do feel fine about it, I can take it or leave it now as I am a lot happier than I was before.  I reminded him that I was suffering a significant amount of emotional stress and he unfortunately saw me at my worst but he is still hurt.  He won't give me an answer and seems to want to blame me for everything and start fights.  All I can do stay calm and give him space but I don't know why he is being so indecisive. Is it because he is punishing me or is it because he doesn't want to come and it is easier to put blame onto me so he isn't the bad guy?!

While I understand that any relationship that has this amount of problems so early on does not look hopeful but I also do not understand this behaviour and was wondering if anyone could shed any light?

 

[Wiseman2]

FWB where you want more will lead to messes like this. He's clear on the NSA thing so just end it to free yourself from this.

[stillafool]

He's had 6 months to get to know if he wants a relationship with you.  He still keeps saying he isn't ready.  Why would you go back to being his FWB when you want a relationship that he was clear he still isn't ready for?  You say you're okay now but if you were this thread wouldn't exist.  You still want him to be your man but he is still pulling back.  You should have stayed with the guy who was treating you like an Angel.  He probably wanted a relationship.  If you try to force this one into a relationship he will end up resenting you and find someone else.  You should have told him "I'm sorry we cannot date anymore because we are both looking for different things."  Said your goodbye and kept moving on.  

 

Edited July 29, 2020 by stillafool

[notthatintome]

1 minute ago, stillafool said:

He's had 6 months to get to know if he wants a relationship with you.  He still keeps saying he isn't ready.  Why would you go back to being his FWB when you want a relationship that he was clear he still isn't ready for?  You say you're okay now but if you were this thread wouldn't exist.  You still want him to be your man but he is still pulling back.  You should have stayed with the guy who was treating you like an Angel.  He probably wanted a relationship.  If you try to force this one into a relationship he will end up resenting you and find someone else.  You should have told him "I'm sorry we cannot date anymore because we are both looking for different things."  Said your goodbye and kept moving on.

 

I guess when a relationship presented itself, I didn't feel ready.  It was an eye opener that maybe I am emotionally unavailable and that is why I find safety in unavailable men.  Or maybe I just want what I can't have.  This has changed my view somewhat and this is what has made it easier to detach and with all the arguments, I don't want that long term.  However,  I don't understand his behaviour though, for someone who doesn't want a relationship, he is acting like we are in one -  I am just curious about that really.

[elaine567]

2 minutes ago, notthatintome said:

I guess when a relationship presented itself, I didn't feel ready.  It was an eye opener that maybe I am emotionally unavailable and that is why I find safety in unavailable men.  Or maybe I just want what I can't have.  This has changed my view somewhat and this is what has made it easier to detach and with all the arguments, I don't want that long term.  However,  I don't understand his behaviour though, for someone who doesn't want a relationship, he is acting like we are in one -  I am just curious about that really.

Men rarely want their FWB to be seeing anyone else. He gets to fool around, you don't...
I guess the "You are free to sleep with other guys" was a test rather than permission.
As you are finding out, jealousy and territorial behaviour does not indicate feelings or a desire for commitment, it just indicates jealousy and territorialism.

[Wiseman2]

32 minutes ago, notthatintome said:

 for someone who doesn't want a relationship, he is acting like we are in one 

What would your criteria for "acting like we're in a relationship" be?

You are in some sort of undefined, unlabeled situationship, because you interact sexually and otherwise.

Unfortunately it seems like you want more out of this than he's willing to offer.

[lurker74]

Like the vast majority of posts on LS, the issue is communication and the lack thereof. He indicated he wanted a FWB but you knew from the first date that it could never be NSA for you. Right then and there you started down the path of miscommunication. How  you acted around him and what he stated he wanted created a push-pull situation that very few people could navigate well. Clearly, the two of you did not succeed in that navigation.

Ultimately, you are both struggling now in the push-pull. It feels like you want to try again but it then it feels like you should avoid it. The truth is that, yes, with this many problems early on, it's unlikely anything useful will ever come of it. But if you want to try, tell each other to take three months off, no communication. If after that you both want to try again, maybe you can be in a reset period where you have a chance.

[stillafool]

51 minutes ago, notthatintome said:

I guess when a relationship presented itself, I didn't feel ready.

Maybe I missed it but I didn't see where he asked you to be in a relationship with him.

[Mystery4u]

He wants to keep seeing you and not lose you so he can keep having sex with you, nothing more.

[notthatintome]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

What would your criteria for "acting like we're in a relationship" be?

You are in some sort of undefined, unlabeled situationship, because you interact sexually and otherwise.

Unfortunately it seems like you want more out of this than he's willing to offer.

I did yes, but now I can take it or leave it - I don't think it is healthy enough to be long term.  I just don't understand his behaviour now that's all.

[notthatintome]

1 hour ago, lurker74 said:

Like the vast majority of posts on LS, the issue is communication and the lack thereof. He indicated he wanted a FWB but you knew from the first date that it could never be NSA for you. Right then and there you started down the path of miscommunication. How  you acted around him and what he stated he wanted created a push-pull situation that very few people could navigate well. Clearly, the two of you did not succeed in that navigation.

Ultimately, you are both struggling now in the push-pull. It feels like you want to try again but it then it feels like you should avoid it. The truth is that, yes, with this many problems early on, it's unlikely anything useful will ever come of it. But if you want to try, tell each other to take three months off, no communication. If after that you both want to try again, maybe you can be in a reset period where you have a chance.

I think that is a good idea but I also think after three months I won't want to go down that road again.

[notthatintome]

1 hour ago, elaine567 said:

Men rarely want their FWB to be seeing anyone else. He gets to fool around, you don't...
I guess the "You are free to sleep with other guys" was a test rather than permission.
As you are finding out, jealousy and territorial behaviour does not indicate feelings or a desire for commitment, it just indicates jealousy and territorialism.

Thank you for this  - I guess it's about being in control and a little bit of manipulation going on there...?

[notthatintome]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

Maybe I missed it but I didn't see where he asked you to be in a relationship with him.

The two date guy definitely wanted a relationship and I didn't feel ready.  I have become comfortable with dating a string of emotionally unavailable men who do not live close by.  I am asking about this one because it builds my knowledge and experience about what to avoid in the future.  There has been a pattern which I am now aware of and I need to work on that before I can ever think about being in a relationship with anyone.  I am closer to getting there than I was a year ago by acknowledging this - I just need a little more time

[poppyfields]

2 hours ago, notthatintome said:

I guess when a relationship presented itself, I didn't feel ready.  It was an eye opener that maybe I am emotionally unavailable and that is why I find safety in unavailable men.  

This^^ is extremely insightful and reflects a self-awareness most people with commitment issues aren't aware of.

And yes I think you are spot on.  When the other guy offered a relationship,  despite how much you liked him, it scared you and you ran from it.

And went back to the unavailable guy, because as you admitted, it feels emotionally safer. 

I say dump him too, and work on yourself.  You've taken the first step, owning your shyt as they say -- your fears and anxieties surrounding committed relationships. 

This is assuming a committed relationship is what you actually want.

You may not, which is ok!  You may enjoy chaos and uncertainty, that "on edge" feeling, like the current guy is offering.   Many people do believe or not.

But do take the time to determine what it is you actually want, what you are capable of giving and receiving. 

Once you do and are honest with yourself about it and the men you are dating, it will all become much easier and much more fun! 

 

Edited July 29, 2020 by poppyfields

[Ruby Slippers]

He wants the guaranteed sex and the ongoing ego boost of knowing you want more with him but will settle for the scraps he gives you because he's "all that."

You going out with someone else upset his power position, this illusion that he's "all that." 

He doesn't care that much about you, just likes feeling wanted and validated. 

I'd absolutely drop this going nowhere arrangement and move on to something better. 

[smackie9]

He's a guy that only wants everyone to play by his rules. That is self entitlement, narcissistic behavior. He can fool around with others, but you can't. And the way he does it is to tell you what you want to hear to keep you in line and believing there might be more. Like a carrot on a stick. You are being played. And trust me, he's probably got one or two others in his corral.

You say you can take it or leave it....you are simply leaving the door open in hopes your indifference will encourage him to commit to you. It's a waste of time. Block/delete walk away.

Edited July 29, 2020 by smackie9

[ShyViolet]

So let's get this straight.... when you started seeing him, he told you he wasn't looking for a relationship and that you could sleep with other guys.  Then when you went on a date with someone else, he got angry with you and wanted to "punish" you, and he decided that he did want to be with you. Now he's still telling you that he's not sure if he can commit to you.  Do you really have such low self-esteem that this is a guy you want to be with?  This guy is treating you like crap.

[Versacehottie]

He is trying to c*ckblock you, It's that simple.  He is trying to leave things where you are his OPTION and not change the status quo at all.  He just had to stop you from dating others.  You were absolutely on the right track to move on and date other people.  What a bummer that you met someone great afterward but this guy wrecked it for you (well technically you wrecked it for yourself).  

I think now that you've shown he can jerk you around, you will get less commitment from the (first) guy not more.  He did what he had to do to get you to stop dating the other guy and now he is back to his non-committal, taking his time, between two minds guy.  You need to live your life as if you are single because you are and he will either get with the program to pin you down or you will have chances with other people.  Don't fall for the easy little day or so commitment like he did this time to reel you back in--needs to be proven over time and with a lot more of his effort behind it.

[kendahke]

he's got his hook in your cheek and you are being flung all over the place by him.

Do yourself a favor: quit talking to him. He doesn't want what you want and there are men out there who do--like the guy you just shined on.  Funny how when an emotionally available man presented himself, you ran for the hills, but you are complaining about this nut doing to you exactly what you did to the other guy.

[smackie9]

BTW jealousy is just that, jealousy, not a sign of love or attachment. I believe that is what had you thinking otherwise.....he must really be into you if he is upset that you went on a date with someone else.