BNKSTR0308 Posted July 29, 2020 Posted July 29, 2020 I’ve (F36) been dating my boyfriend (M44) for a 5 months and made things official about 2 months ago. Thing have been great aside from a couple hiccups, but all in all good. He said he loves me first, we typically have open communication, we’ve had discussions about wanting this to be long term, and that we’re both very serious about us and this relationship. backstory is that we’ve known eachother for 15 years, our kids have played together on several times years prior. We know eachother through our exes. I know this is going to sound juvenile, but I don’t have much experience in this following department. Recently I noticed one woman in particulars activity on his Facebook. Her “likes” have increased to “loves” on his posts and have become quite regular, literally almost every post. He also told me that she had sent him a message last week telling him if he ever wanted to stop into her work for a massage to let him know’..... well I lost my s*** lol. I got extremely upset, yelled and demanded he unfriended her. He played stupid and thought I was over reacting. He refused to unfriend anyone because he said fb isn’t the real world and he will not be controlled like that either. Is it unreasonable for me to ask that he unfriend her? If anyone could provide suggestion on how to bring that up ? Feels like the unwaivered trust I had in him is now gone and it stinks.
d0nnivain Posted July 29, 2020 Posted July 29, 2020 IMO you overreacted. You yelled at him over something she did. I agree with him that FB isn't real & unfriending her is too much at this point. When you are calmer apologize to him for yelling but ask him nicely to put up some boundaries around her. At a minimum he needs to tell her that he has a GF & her offer is declined. That should be sufficient for her to find somebody else's posts to like. If she doesn't know he's dating somebody she wouldn't know that an offer like hers wouldn't be well received. If he definitively says not interested & she persists, then it may be time to unfriend her. 4
schlumpy Posted July 29, 2020 Posted July 29, 2020 Realize that he's not doing this behind your back. That's a point in his favor except that it's not uncommon for a cheater to introduce or the talk about a love interest in a bid to allay suspicion. Considering she's coming on to him and he's already in a relationship with you, I don't find it unreasonable for you to ask him to unfriend her. My guess is that he likes the attention from her or maybe he likes your reaction which does seem very strong considering the level of alert. I agree with you that he is displaying a lack of consideration. If he looks at another women while out with you, do you feel the same way? Is this part of your personality or have you had bad experiences in the past with other men? You will have to decide if this a hill you want to die on. You could pull back in your relationship with him until the trust can be re-established to your satisfaction. He will have to know why you are doing it for it to work. Can't expect him to read your mind. It could also backfire and make things worse. Relationships can be such delicate things. You could just state that cheating is a deal breaker for you and let it go at that. Then it's his hill to die on. 2
Blind-Sided Posted July 29, 2020 Posted July 29, 2020 @d0nnivain is right. You over reacted. FB isn't real to most people... and that's why they have 400~500 "Friends" on it. AND... you got mad for something someone else did. Not to mention... your BF is sharing it with you... so he obviously isn't hiding anything from you. Now... from a "Guy's" side... your reaction can be taken 2 ways.... 1) Good, because I know you really care enough to the relationship that you see any other girl a threat. 2) VERY BAD !!!!! because after just a few months... you are being super demanding. TO some... that's a reason to cut you lose now. Anyway... apologize, and tell him you overreacted. AND... DO NOT make him remove her as a friend. BUT... tell him she makes you uncomfortable. 1
elaine567 Posted July 29, 2020 Posted July 29, 2020 2 hours ago, BNKSTR0308 said: he said fb isn’t the real world OK. but she is real, her work is real and the massage she offered would be real... That is the problem. 5
Andy_K Posted July 29, 2020 Posted July 29, 2020 You overreacted. He doesn't get to control how other people act, only how he responds to it. So on that note, how did he respond to her offer of stopping in to her work for a massage? If he ignored it or declined it, I don't see that you have anything to worry or complain about. 2 1
Wiseman2 Posted July 29, 2020 Posted July 29, 2020 You can't tell him what to do,who he can talk to or be friends with. What you can do is observe his judgement in telling you about the stop in for a massage thing. How is it that you know each other through your exes?
d0nnivain Posted July 29, 2020 Posted July 29, 2020 Just to be clear I am not saying you shouldn't keep an eye on her. Clearly she has designs on your man but the way you expressed your concerns to him was out of line. You have a right to be uncomfortable by their interactions. You have a right to ask him to develop & enforce better boundaries with her. Where you went wrong was screaming at him & making demands about who he can & can't be friends with. If you can express your concerns calmly, he should take those concerns seriously & distance himself from her after making it clear he's taken. If he lets her carry on unabated then you may have to reevaluate your relationship.
Versacehottie Posted July 29, 2020 Posted July 29, 2020 3 hours ago, Andy_K said: You overreacted. He doesn't get to control how other people act, only how he responds to it. So on that note, how did he respond to her offer of stopping in to her work for a massage? If he ignored it or declined it, I don't see that you have anything to worry or complain about. Agreed^^^^ He seems to be doing the right thing by being transparent with you & got screamed at like he caused what happened. Unless he was telling you to try to make you jealous or for some ego boost, which the way you described it did not sound like that. Also if he kept quiet about it because he views it as a non-issue because a)he doesn't see FB as real b)most importantly, he is not planning on doing anything with this woman, I feel like you would still be mad and consider it a breech of trust. To be 100% fair, he didn't do anything to hurt the trust you two should have with each other. All that has happened is that you are outright aware of a possible threat to the relationship. This is the time to figure out how to build trust throughout those occurrences because there will likely be others from the outside of the two of you if you continue to stay together. It's up to you two to come up with reasonable ways to manage them that work for both people, or a compromise if that is not possible. I'm on his side that he doesn't need to unfriend at this point because it's his life & up to him how he handles it. And you should apologize for flipping out and not trusting him out of the blue. You will have to observe what happens as far as building trust and what steps he takes to assure you (active, non-active). Trust is a two way street. He has an obligation to you and your relationship to not date others/flirt with others in a bad way....and you have to trust that he won't. If your tactic for doing this is not truly believing that he cannot be trusted but trying to monitor and control the possible threats that might come into his life, then he's done nothing wrong with regard to trust but you have. is the relationship all that you built it up to be when you described it in your initial post or not? You've known him for 15 years. I would hope that at least counts for something. Unless you know that he cheated on his (ex)wife and you are putting your head in the sand about what type of person he is. OR if you were cheated on and you are bringing irrational baggage toward this new bf of yours. 2 1
smackie9 Posted July 29, 2020 Posted July 29, 2020 I can see where you would be concerned. A man that cheats on his wife can't be trusted. He had a wondering eye with his wife, and dated you, who's to say he won't do the same with you. I don't think scolding him will make him stop, it just might have the opposite effect. He will know this is wrong and likes the thrill of it. Tho he has no control over a person's actions, but it leads to question, what is his involvement and was it his actions (flirting, hitting on her) that led to her propositioning him over social media. 1
curlygirl40 Posted July 29, 2020 Posted July 29, 2020 2 hours ago, d0nnivain said: Just to be clear I am not saying you shouldn't keep an eye on her. Clearly she has designs on your man but the way you expressed your concerns to him was out of line. You have a right to be uncomfortable by their interactions. You have a right to ask him to develop & enforce better boundaries with her. Where you went wrong was screaming at him & making demands about who he can & can't be friends with. If you can express your concerns calmly, he should take those concerns seriously & distance himself from her after making it clear he's taken. If he lets her carry on unabated then you may have to reevaluate your relationship. This. But also my question would be, is it obvious on his FB that he's in a relationship? Like if a complete stranger were to look at my bf's FB, it would be so obvious that he is in a serious relationship. His main pic is almost always a pic of us, he will tag me in posts when we go places. Not for any reason but it's just normal FB behavior when you're part of a couple. So I am wondering, is it obvious to others that he's not available? I have a lot of guys on my FB who used to sometimes be a little inappropriate with me on FB. I'm a comic and I tend to post funny stuff that sometimes can be a little inappropriate and sometimes guys would comment things that might make a significant other feel uncomfortable. But I did notice that once I got into a serious relationship, that has stopped. Probably out of respect. Anyway, I digress... I wouldn't suggest marking your territory on his FB, but is he open about you or hiding you in any way? 1
curlygirl40 Posted July 29, 2020 Posted July 29, 2020 21 minutes ago, smackie9 said: I can see where you would be concerned. A man that cheats on his wife can't be trusted. He had a wondering eye with his wife, and dated you, who's to say he won't do the same with you. I don't think scolding him will make him stop, it just might have the opposite effect. He will know this is wrong and likes the thrill of it. Tho he has no control over a person's actions, but it leads to question, what is his involvement and was it his actions (flirting, hitting on her) that led to her propositioning him over social media. I'm not sure if I'm missing something, I didn't see anywhere that he cheated on his wife? 2
JRabbit Posted July 29, 2020 Posted July 29, 2020 I'm very curious to his response to the message about the massage. I see it a bit different than everyone, in that it seems like maybe he was telling you to make you jealous. I know women do this, I will assume some men do too. I think the response to that holds the key to where his head is at. 1
ShyViolet Posted July 29, 2020 Posted July 29, 2020 This woman is not the person you are in a relationship with. HE is the one you're in a relationship with. You can't control what she does. But has he ever given you any reason not to trust him? Is he doing anything in this situation that's inappropriate? If you trust him, then there should be no problem. You can't demand that he unfriend people on facebook, that's a little too controlling. 1
deepthinking Posted July 29, 2020 Posted July 29, 2020 (edited) No more arguing, which she will like as it causes a rift. So stop. However, she is giving him a come-on, and it is up to him to block her. Ask him. If he says no, then understand something. She went from liking to loving! Why wait for things to worsen further? Is he yours or hers? If he is making you insecure, he has some extra kissing and cuddling to do. And some blocking Edited July 29, 2020 by deepthinking 1
ExpatInItaly Posted July 29, 2020 Posted July 29, 2020 8 hours ago, BNKSTR0308 said: IRecently I noticed one woman in particulars activity on his Facebook. Her “likes” have increased to “loves” on his posts and have become quite regular, literally almost every post. He also told me that she had sent him a message last week telling him if he ever wanted to stop into her work for a massage to let him know’..... well I lost my s*** lol. I got extremely upset, yelled and demanded he unfriended her. He played stupid and thought I was over reacting. He refused to unfriend anyone because he said fb isn’t the real world and he will not be controlled like that either. Why? Losing you s**t isn't funny. Yelling is an over-reaction. Why did you immediately freak out on him? I agree she has a crush on him and was testing the waters, but that's on her. Not him. You could have resolved this much more effectively by responding maturely and letting him know you weren't comfortable with her advances and expect him to lay down a boundary with her. The approach you took - going on the attack - only got his defenses up and led to even more problems. 1 1
smackie9 Posted July 29, 2020 Posted July 29, 2020 1 hour ago, curlygirl40 said: I'm not sure if I'm missing something, I didn't see anywhere that he cheated on his wife? Sorry misread your post. Omit that. But the last part I am sticking by. There may be something happening in the background. But You have every right to get upset. I'm sure if a man posted something like that on your social media, you BF would freak out too. It's all about perspective. If my husband had some woman messaging him something like that there would be hell to be paid.
elaine567 Posted July 29, 2020 Posted July 29, 2020 She has got his attention and it doesn't sound like he is giving her up for some reason... He would rather upset you, than give her up, which is a sobering thought. All very well for you to be cool and chilled about it, and then watch him scurry down town for that massage... There is no easy answer here. Lose lose. A) You are a controlling overreacting b*tch B) You watch whilst they get closer and closer, until he decides to take her up on that offer. Yes trust is the key but when a partner is upset about other female interest, it is usually best for harmony's sake to side with the partner and not the potential other woman.. 1 1
kendahke Posted July 29, 2020 Posted July 29, 2020 (edited) 9 hours ago, BNKSTR0308 said: Is it unreasonable for me to ask that he unfriend her? If anyone could provide suggestion on how to bring that up ? Feels like the unwaivered trust I had in him is now gone Quote Thing have been great aside from a couple hiccups, but all in all good. How do your past "hiccups" factor into how you over reacted? Quote I’ve (F36) been dating my boyfriend (M44) for a 5 months Yep... you're at the point where the "on their best behavior" representatives have been dismissed and the real him/real you are re-animating... this is when weak foundation relationships fail. All that hiccupping tells me your foundation has been wobbly for a while, but you both wanted what you wanted, wishing for "what could be" instead of seeing "what is". Edited July 29, 2020 by kendahke 1
Author BNKSTR0308 Posted July 29, 2020 Author Posted July 29, 2020 Thank you for all of the insightful replies. Just to clear some things up- He did not cheat on his wife. He’s a close friend of my ex brother in law (my ex-husbands sisters husband- confusing I know). No cheating His Facebook clearly states that he’s in a relationship. I apologized the next day and he knew it was sincere. I’m typically not one to get jealous and I know men look at women when they see a beautiful women! I had an issue in the past with my ex hiss and and social media- which he’s fully aware of. I’m the moment the pain from that came flooding back. The “hiccup” is He got very upset one night when a man we both know had sent an unexpected drunk message with a “picture”. I unfriended that person immediately but he was upset because I didn’t tell that mans wife. My issue is not that he has female friends, most of my friends are male. And I’m not the type to tell him who and who he can/can’t be friends with. It’s purely the way it was handled.- First I had politefully brought up how I noticed she’s been liking EVERY single thing he posts. It wasn’t until then that he told me about her sending him a message. I shrugged it off. But then it just continued and I saw him liking her posts and I lost my cool! I was hurt because it almost seemed like he was defending her not caring that I was upset because i was being unreasonable. Like ‘who cares. If you don’t know her and it upsets me, then unfriend her’?!? 1
kendahke Posted July 29, 2020 Posted July 29, 2020 Now you know what side of the street he stands on as far as your feelings about who his friends are and how he interacts with them on social media. The question is: if it bothers you this much, why haven't you dumped him since he's basically shown you where the door is if you dont' like it? 1
Ruby Slippers Posted July 29, 2020 Posted July 29, 2020 The whole thing strikes me as incredibly juvenile. This guy is 44, not 14. I'm not into the social media world, and the men I date generally are the same. But if some random dude online was hitting on me overtly, and it bothered my man, I wouldn't have to think twice about deleting the random dude. 6
d0nnivain Posted July 29, 2020 Posted July 29, 2020 1 hour ago, BNKSTR0308 said: First I had politefully brought up how I noticed she’s been liking EVERY single thing he posts. It wasn’t until then that he told me about her sending him a message. I shrugged it off. But then it just continued and I saw him liking her posts and I lost my cool! I was hurt because it almost seemed like he was defending her not caring that I was upset because i was being unreasonable. Like ‘who cares. If you don’t know her and it upsets me, then unfriend her’?!? I'm glad you apologized for yelling. It's OK to be jealous but your 1st post made it sound like other then some likes this was the 1st time you two had discussed things. Since it was not, I better understand why you lost your temper. If you have expressed upset about this woman's behavior but your BF discounted your feelings, that is an issue. You really do need to have another discussion with him about how he should respond to her forwardness in the future if he intends to continue being friends with her on social media.
Versacehottie Posted July 30, 2020 Posted July 30, 2020 (edited) Hmmmm, well I might have to re-read your latest post, OP, but if you are saying that when you received an inappropriate text message he made you block etc or unfriend the person & was demanding that you tell the person's wife, then it's a double standard in a way. In other words, he expects you to cut people off when they misstep and as if your social media has meaning, whereas he doesn't need to follow the same standard when it happens to him. That said--two wrongs don't make a right. Each of you probably should back off of telling the other one what to do with their social media. That said, I'm imagining these things happening in at least a small part because these people at least at some point had an opening--which may no longer be valid but maybe they didn't get the memo, are too hopeful or one or both of you are giving mixed signals to these other people. I get the feeling that you didn't. Not so sure about your boyfriend though. The way he has one standard for you and a different for himself is a little "not reassuring". I think you both should stop placing this much importance on FB & social media and definitely stop watching what happens on his if you expect this relationship to get more solid. Even though the woman keeps liking his stuff, that's really on her not him. And lastly if all this stuff keeps happening, maybe it's a product of the overlapping social circles too and TYPE OF--it definitely sounds like it. Probably not the best environment to have a wholesome type trustworthy relationship in. Edited July 30, 2020 by Versacehottie
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