He doesn't follow up with me after intimacy. do I communicate or drop him?

[caputo77]

I’ve been seeing this guy for a couple weeks now and I like him. We have fun together and definitely have strong chemistry. We’re still in the beginning stages of getting to know each other, but we’ve discussed what we want and he knows I am looking for a relationship and am unwilling to compromise on that. It’s been made clear I don’t have sex outside of relationships, and he’s respected that and exhibited a clear understanding of it in his actions when we’re together. I feel pretty comfortable knowing that that boundary has been set early and he still chooses to see me.

Anyways. A couple nights ago we went out on a nice date, then went to his place and I stayed later than planned. He invited me to spend the night, and I reiterated my boundaries when it comes to sex. He told me he understood and it was fine, we could just sleep. And we did and it was great. He didn’t pressure me to do anything more than what I wanted. I lingered in the morning and when I finally left he didn’t seem to want to say goodbye. He asked when he could see me again and we agreed we would text about it later in the week to set something up. I left, then didn’t hear from him at all for the next two days. We normally only text every 2-3 days anyway because we have had a conversation about how we’re not big into texting so I wasn’t TOO alarmed, but it felt like a bit of a red flag for him to not follow up and make sure I made it home okay or to let me know he had a good time or anything. That is what I am used to when I am dating someone. But I decided to just take note and keep it in my back pocket.

I waited another day and still didn’t hear from him. I felt like talking to him at that point, so I decided screw it and I initiated with him. He answered right away and we got into some good back and forth banter and he seemed responsive and interested in talking. Things escalated as it got later and I ended up sending him a photo. I wanted to, he wanted me to, both of us played an equal part in leading the conversation there, etc. After I sent it, he answered right away, complimented me, made me feel good about it, promised it would be for his eyes only and would be deleted at the end of the night as we had agreed. We sent a few more flirty texts until I fell asleep mid-conversation. I answered his last text this morning when I woke up so as not to completely fall off the face of the earth after an intimate conversation like that. But now….nothing. It’s been hours and he hasn’t answered me. Yes, he works, but normally he doesn’t have any problems sending me one or two texts throughout the work day. And I feel especially given the context of our conversation last night, a simple follow-up text today would be nice. That seems obvious to me, but I’m not sure if men’s brains also work that way.

Between the previous lack of communication after spending the night and now this, I’m feeling kind of upset and disrespected. This is my first time sending a photo so I’m not sure what is “normal” in terms of communication afterwards, but it feels odd to me. Sure, maybe he’ll text me later, it’s only been about 5 hours since I texted him this morning. But that still feels like too long to not confirm that he deleted my photos as promised and ensure I'm not sitting here in a puddle of anxiety about it. Am I completely overreacting?

If he doesn’t reach out to me by tonight, should I confront him and let him know that’s not cool? Or just drop it and let him ghost me if that’s what he chooses to do? I’m not sure if he’s being a complete a-hole and isn’t even worth it, or if I just need to step up and communicate why I’m upset and what I expect.

Also, please no lecture on sending photos to someone I don’t know that well yet. I’ve never done it before and wanted to try. Needless to say, I already regret it and will not be doing it again until I have built more trust with someone I am unidentifiable in the pictures so I’m not too worried.

[JTSW]

Its a bit odd.

Sounds to me like he only stuck around long enough until he got something from you.

I can guarantee that he was hoping for sex the night you stayed over, regardless of boundaries.

I dont get a good vibe from him.

[ExpatInItaly]

To clarify, I gather this was a naughty photo? 

It sounds like your anxiety is continuing to notch up as you continue to bend your own boundaries. It was certainly fine to not have sex with him when you spent the night, but you are uncomfortable with the ensuing silence. Fair enough, I can see why that was a let-down. Having said that, I am not sure why you'd then opt to push the envelope even more and sext with him days later. That seems counter-intuitive when you were already feeling disappointed by the lack of communication after sleeping over. 

You are seeing that your idea of intimacy - and the meaning you assign to it - is different from his. I am not even convinced he would consider this "intimacy", so to speak. I am sure he enjoyed the sleepover and the sexting, but doesn't see it the same way you do. I doubt he realizes you want reassurance after you picked up the conversation this morning.  What did you say in your message this morning? Had you asked him to let you know when he deleted the photo? He probably doesn't see the need to inform you if he'd already told you he would. However, I think you need to adjust your expectations here. You hardly know him; he's showing you that spending the night and sexting don't necessarily mean you're growing closer emotionally. If you're uncomfortable with this, then I would kibosh sexting. For a lot of people, it's a bit of casual fun that they don't take very seriously. Your reaction to this your cue that you really should not be engaging in sexy chats or sharing of photos with someone who is still essentially a stranger to you. 

 

Edited July 28, 2020 by ExpatInItaly

[Datergirl]

Didn't you agree to text later in the week after spending the night?

Also, you fell asleep and afyer sending the photo and didn't text back until the morning....maybe he felt like that was off too and is now making you wait...who knows! 

I would personally wait a few days, if he hasn't replied by then I would call him and ask whats up. 

Edited July 28, 2020 by Datergirl

[Ruby Slippers]

Your intuition is telling you loud and clear this guy isn't as interested and emotionally invested as you need a man to be before you get into this kind of intimacy. 

Every single boyfriend I've ever had was in daily contact once we got to that point. And in cases where we really connected, they never missed a day of communication from the day we met. 

Woman's intuition is powerful, and yours is telling you this guy isn't cutting the mustard.

[caputo77]

10 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Your reaction to this your cue that you really should not be engaging in sexy chats or sharing of photos with someone who is still essentially a stranger to you. 

Thanks for the thoughtful response!

You're right, I suppose it's more productive to examine this from the perspective of how I can understand why I'm reacting the way that I am, rather than spending hours anxiously wondering what's going on in his head, which is fruitless.

I suppose sleepovers (with or without sex) and sharing naughty photos would best be reserved for men I have already reached a certain level of trust with to prevent me from feeling so anxious afterwards. If someone I knew better and had more trust in didn't respond to me this morning, I probably wouldn't think twice about it.  More importantly, they would probably know me well enough to know that I am the kind of person that would've appreciated a text. I'm only so anxious because I don't know him well enough, he doesn't know me well enough, and taking things slow and getting to know someone better is probably best suited for the ways I react emotionally.

A valuable lesson in further defining for myself what my own boundaries are I suppose. Thanks for the insight!

[caputo77]

3 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

Your intuition is telling you loud and clear this guy isn't as interested and emotionally invested as you need a man to be before you get into this kind of intimacy. 

Every single boyfriend I've ever had was in daily contact once we got to that point. And in cases where we really connected, they never missed a day of communication from the day we met. 

Woman's intuition is powerful, and yours is telling you this guy isn't cutting the mustard.

Yes, I think you're right. I'm more accustomed to being pretty heavily pursued, which makes it easier for me to trust he's interested and looking for the same things as me. I guess I was just trying to rush it a bit this time because it's been a while since I've dated somebody and I got excited.

I've got a few other guys lined up right now. Perhaps it's time to shift my focus to them and let this guy lead it (or not lead it) where he will.

[Wiseman2]

20 minutes ago, caputo77 said:

I suppose sleepovers (with or without sex) and sharing naughty photos would best be reserved for men I have already reached a certain level of trust with to prevent me from feeling so anxious afterwards.

Lead with behavior not talk. try to relax and don't watch your phone. People watch your actions more than your words. It's only been a few days of dating so slow down. Stop the sleepovers and sexting, if you get nervous about it. Try to gauge your expectations based on now not "what I'm used to". Sexting and sleeping over after two weeks sort of negates the whole "I'm not that type of women" speech.

Edited July 28, 2020 by Wiseman2

[BaileyB]

How is it possible that you are comfortable sending him a naughty photo but you are not ok having sex with the guy? That seems discongruous to me. 

Furthermore, I will never understand the need to stay over with a man and not have sex. No offence, but if you have decided that you are not ready to have sex with the guy, you shouldn’t be sleeping over. Children have sleepovers, grown adults do not have sleepovers. 

If I was him, I wouldn’t be responding to you either only because you are sending so many mixed signals, it’s hard to know what you want or where you stand. And, it’s very likely that he wants more than you are willing to give right now... totally your decision, just be very careful about the mixed signals you are sending. A woman sleeping over usually means... sex... to a guy. 

 

Edited July 28, 2020 by BaileyB

[Redhead14]

Mixed messages and boundaries are killers.   It probably feels like some kind of game/test.  And, what are you going to confront him about?  He hasn't done anything that warrants confrontation.  He didn't do anything wrong.  You two have only been seeing each other a couple of weeks.  He doesn't owe you anything.  He got turned on, then off, I'd say.

[BaileyB]

And again, your idea of intimacy and his idea of intimacy might be very different. I would have been heartbroken if my guy didn’t text me the morning after we first had sex... but, to a guy who has maybe had sex before, a naughty photo and a sleepover may not be considered particularly intimate. His perspective will depend on his previous experience...

[caputo77]

24 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

How is it possible that you are comfortable sending him a naughty photo but you are not ok having sex with the guy? That seems discongruous to me. 

Furthermore, I will never understand the need to stay over with a man and not have sex. No offence, but if you have decided that you are not ready to have sex with the guy, you shouldn’t be sleeping over. Children have sleepovers, grown adults do not have sleepovers. 

If I was him, I wouldn’t be responding to you either only because you are sending so many mixed signals, it’s hard to know what you want or where you stand. And, it’s very likely that he wants more than you are willing to give right now... totally your decision, just be very careful about the mixed signals you are sending. A woman sleeping over usually means... sex... to a guy. 

 

Yeah I completely get that. I'll admit, I've had this problem in most of my recent relationships and I recognize that I can be really confusing to guys, and they usually get frustrated and drop me because of that. Which is 100% fair.

I guess I'm kind of reaching a point where I'm trying to figure out what my boundaries SHOULD be. Due to a variety of factors, I'm  24 and still a virgin, which is why I'm not ready to have casual sex with just anybody. I am 100% ready to have sex on every other level, I just feel like it needs to be with someone who understands that I'm a virgin and isn't going to just get up and ghost me right after. That's my main fear, because obviously based on this post, I'm not going to take it well if that happens.

So there is a trust threshold I need to reach before I get there. But I feel like if I don't do ANYTHING sexual with the average guy in his mid-20's after a certain amount of time, there's no way he stays around long enough for us to even have a chance to get to that level of trust. "Taking it slow" just doesn't even seem possible with guys my age these days. So I feel stuck, and then I end up doing weird stuff like telling him I'm not ready to have sex but then lying half naked in his bed with him and sending him dirty photos which, yes, I know, makes me seem psycho and really confusing.

I almost just feel like I should just sleep with the next guy that tries so I can just cross that bridge and be done with it. But obviously that's not a very good solution either.

Sorry, mostly just a vent. But open to any input anyone might have on finding a middle ground.

[Ruby Slippers]

I'm sure there are guides online for women about how to escalate physicality without having sex. 1st base, 2nd base, etc...

I agree that sending sexual photos and definitely spending the night before you're ready to have sex is not a good idea. I learned this lesson a few years ago.

After a very late night date of dancing, a guy asked if he could sleep at my place. I told him I wasn't ready for sex and definitely wasn't going there, but he could SLEEP over if he really wanted to. I lived in the city not far from the club, he lived way out in the burbs, and it was 4:00 in the morning, so it seemed to make sense. Of course, as soon as we get in bed and start cuddling, he has a raging boner that's poking me all night 

Though he didn't push anything, I totally got the vibe that he felt I didn't see him as "the man" because I didn't have sex with him when he was right there in my bed. Rational discussion is one thing, but biology is another. So yeah, don't spend the night or let a guy spend the night unless you're ready to have sex.

[Datergirl]

You can't control whether someone ghosts you or not, they could it before sex, after sex, after 2/6/12 months of dating and sex. 

The more you try to control the outcome the more upset you'll be if it doesn't go your way.

You have to allow yourself to be slightly vulnerable to this and accept that you can't stop someone from doing something you won't like. 

[d0nnivain]

Don't just sleep with the next guy.  Doing that will screw up your head royally. Wait until you are in a loving committed relationship. 

Do not lead with your status as a virgin but do not climb into bed with a man you don't intend to have sex with.  This guy didn't push the issue but that behavior made him question whether he wants to deal with you going forward.   Also don't send nude photos. . . a little racy maybe but if you would be embarrassed to have your grandparents see, don't send it.   Doing what you are doing, playing at sexuality is playing with fire. You are acting like  a C*** tease, even if you don't mean to & that is incredibly unattractive.  

You do need to communicate consistently & you need actual boundaries.  When you establish those your dating woes should lessen.  

Edited July 28, 2020 by d0nnivain

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

If he isnt following up then you need to take away what he wants and set a boundary around it before you give it back to him.

[Giovane]

3 hours ago, caputo77 said:

We sent a few more flirty texts until I fell asleep mid-conversation.

I'm wondering... is it possible he took offence to that? Did you fall asleep at a point during the conversation where he would rightfully expect a reply? Is it possible he didn't realize you fell asleep, but just assumed you consciously stopped texting at that point? Is it possible he got hurt because of that? Did you clarify the next morning?

[curlygirl40]

3 hours ago, caputo77 said:

We normally only text every 2-3 days anyway because we have had a conversation about how we’re not big into texting so I wasn’t TOO alarmed, but it felt like a bit of a red flag for him to not follow up and make sure I made it home okay or to let me know he had a good time or anything. That is what I am used to when I am dating someone. But I decided to just take note and keep it in my back pocket.

I waited another day and still didn’t hear from him.

And I feel especially given the context of our conversation last night, a simple follow-up text today would be nice. That seems obvious to me, but I’m not sure if men’s brains also work that way.

Between the previous lack of communication after spending the night and now this, I’m feeling kind of upset and disrespected. This is my first time sending a photo so I’m not sure what is “normal” in terms of communication afterwards, but it feels odd to me. Sure, maybe he’ll text me later, it’s only been about 5 hours since I texted him this morning. But that still feels like too long to not confirm that he deleted my photos as promised and ensure I'm not sitting here in a puddle of anxiety about it. Am I completely overreacting?

 

A few things jump out at me here.   You said in the beginning that you normally only text every 2-3 days anyway......so this is the pattern that has been set.    Maybe this is just him, maybe this is how he thinks you prefer it, maybe he's not all that interested, we don't really know.   But you've set this pattern and I suspect this is his comfort zone.  So expecting him to all of a sudden change that pattern and text (or god forbid, make a phone call) you daily just because you've been vulnerable will not happen.    

If you want a guy who contacts you more, this isn't the guy.   He's shown that already, and initiating more and asking him about it will not change his interest level or his contact pattern.    IMO if he was crazy about you, he would be in more contact, he would check to be sure you got home at night (pure decency IMO), etc. 

Also, unfortunately there is NO WAY you can ever be sure a guy won't ghost you after sex.   You can make rules and boundaries and you can have these talks and be sure the guy understands, but you can't guarantee it won't happen.     I'm not saying to throw caution to the wind but I think you are focusing too much on it and having these talks too soon could be scaring them away.   

Do the right things.   Make sure a guy is treating you with respect.  Don't go to a guy's place or invite him to yours unless you're ready for sex.   No sending pics to a guy who you really don't know/trust.    No meeting a man late at night for a drink.   Make him ask you out in advance and court you.   You show men how you expect to be treated with your actions, not your words.     So make sure your actions are always in line with what you want.    I won't harp on the picture and the sleepover because I know you already feel bad about it at this point.   But use them as learning moments.     Then if you've done everything in the 'right' way and then he ghosts you after, that's on him.   It's not on you.   It just means you dodged a bullet or you read something wrong, etc..  There is no 100% fool proof way to protect yourself from this.   

I would tell guys that I only sleep with men that I'm in a relationship with and if they aren't ready to be exclusive, that's o.k, but I wasn't ready for sex then.    

Evan Marc Katz has a great blog about this, running the bases to show that you're interested but yet not going all the way until you're ready.    Google him.  

[Allupinnit]

Does he know you're a virgin?  He may not like you enough to feel like having that "responsibility."

And girl don't you dare go around sending nudes in this day and age!  I suspect you did that in a bid to try and up his attraction/gain his attention, but unfortunately men see right through our little ploys.  Guys text/share those with each other, I see it happen alllll the time.  They think it's funny and makes him look like a stud to his friends.  Don't trust that he deleted it.  

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, caputo77 said:

I guess I'm kind of reaching a point where I'm trying to figure out what my boundaries SHOULD be. 

But I feel like if I don't do ANYTHING sexual with the average guy in his mid-20's after a certain amount of time, there's no way he stays around long enough for us to even have a chance to get to that level of trust. "Taking it slow" just doesn't even seem possible with guys my age these days. 

I totally hear you, because I felt the same way. It takes me a certain amount of time and trust to want to be intimate with a man.

I'm sorry that you feel this way. I don't know what it's like to date these days, I'm a little older than you... But, I would like to say that with the right guy, he won't mind waiting until you are comfortable. You know where you want to set your boundaries, don't compromise yourself. It's totally ok to wait until you are in a committed, exclusive relationship before having sex with a man. There is no rush, no need to do anything you don't want to do. I know, it feels like you need to... but, you really don't. When you have found a really good guy and he really cares for you, he will want you to be comfortable.

Edited July 28, 2020 by BaileyB

[stillafool]

Your pictures probably made him think you're a tease.  Why go on about boundaries and then send a nude/half nude.  If he's in his 20s he's probably used to getting those and it's no big deal if he's not getting the sex.  Also you've only been seeing him for 2 weeks, he's in his 20s, so probably seeing and having sex with other girls.  

[mark clemson]

I like and agree with much of the advice above. 

I would ask - are you in a large urban area? If so, I think you're likely walking the tightrope that women like you face in dating. You need time (measured in weeks) to get adjusted, meanwhile he may feel things are not advancing.

.

4 hours ago, caputo77 said:

I've got a few other guys lined up right now. Perhaps it's time to shift my focus to them and let this guy lead it (or not lead it) where he will.

Are you expecting "loyalty" from him for a couple of months while you figure out if he's good enough for you (and/or if you to feel comfortable enough for sex), or can he date around? It's not fair to expect that (IMO), and clearly you have no issue with lining up alternatives yourself. If he's really a great catch who gets a lot of attn from women, you run the risk of him getting snatched by someone equally good who establishes the sexual aspect of the relationship sooner.

This is not to say you should violate your boundaries - you shouldn't. But you should recognize that by playing the game "by your own rules" to a certain extent, you're probably putting yourself at something of a disadvantage. This is not to bash you or your needs, they are what they are, but to note the reality of the situation.

 

2 hours ago, caputo77 said:

 I'll admit, I've had this problem in most of my recent relationships and I recognize that I can be really confusing to guys, and they usually get frustrated and drop me because of that.

So there is a trust threshold I need to reach before I get there. But I feel like if I don't do ANYTHING sexual with the average guy in his mid-20's after a certain amount of time, there's no way he stays around long enough for us to even have a chance to get to that level of trust. "Taking it slow" just doesn't even seem possible with guys my age these days. So I feel stuck, and then I end up doing weird stuff like telling him I'm not ready to have sex but then lying half naked in his bed with him and sending him dirty photos which, yes, I know, makes me seem psycho and really confusing.

The problem in a nutshell. I have little doubt that the right guy will come along for you eventually - just recognize the reality of the situation. I think an approach that might work with some guys will be to be completely honest about how you are, so he doesn't get confused. Also the approaches mentioned above where you do some things, but not PIV sex might help. If you're going to lie in bed with a guy, be ready to do some things, at least. IF he ditches you after that, you know you dodged (what is for you) a bullet and can let go/move on without regrets.

In college, I was the guy in a somewhat similar relationship, although it had more of a FWB vibe to it. So, sort of a "make out buddy" to the young lady. After 3-4 weeks of heavy petting, I asked about sex. The answer in her case was no, so I decided to move on. She was quite nice, but I had had relationships with full sex, and so wanted that. From my perspective I had dodged a bullet, so had no regrets on moving on.

Edited July 28, 2020 by mark clemson

[hippychick3]

I personally do not think you did anything wrong setting those boundaries and still sleeping over. I spent the night with my current partner when we were first dating many times until I was comfortable having sex. He was patient and understood. 
 

My problem with this scenario is that he didn’t check in on you when you left his house that night. Him not making sure you got home okay and then not hearing from him for a few days would have been a deal breaker for me. I DEFINITELY would not have sent sexy pics to him as a “reward” for that behavior. This guy is just not that interested. I’d move on. 

[Allupinnit]

Also don't spend the night with a guy and sleep in his bed unless you want to have sex with him.  Let him kiss you at the door (boundary) and let him call you again for the next proper date.

Edited July 29, 2020 by Allupinnit

[snowcones]

You have to tell men exactly what you expect.  So tell him that you expect to text/phone and communicate in between seeing each other.  You have to say these words (yes they need an instruction manual). Say it nicely and gracefully.  If he gets all pissy about you telling him that, then trust me, he is not the guy for you.  If you says okay but doesn't do it, then you have to just dump him. He's not what you want.