When a guy says looking for something casual that can become serious?

[Ruby Slippers]

I think it's a huge mistake to even say the words "casual," "no hookups," or anything like that. Don't even talk about what you DON'T want. Talk about what you do what - a relationship. Law of attraction doesn't understand no/negative.

Kind of how you just know that anybody who writes on their dating profile "don't want any drama" is a drama queen/drama magnet.

[d0nnivain]

Elaine

I still say timing is everything.  Unless you get a really bad vibe from the conversation, go on the date then talk about mindset & the generalized desire for serious rather then casual.  The assessment absolutely has to happen but IMO it doesn't have to happen before the 1st date or at least not in the blunt way the OP went about it.  If it must be done before the date, Ruby Slippers has the right idea:  talk about what you want, something serious with the right person, rather then putting the other party on the spot, demanding to know what they want.  

[girlnextdoor2020]

7 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

No but it is not his intentions she is seeking to establish, it is his mindset.

This guy is I guess seeking casual as it was the first thing out of his mouth.
The OP is seeking serious and had she been asked the same question, she would not have mentioned casual.
Seems to me some women see casual as what happens before serious but casual is not that.
It is "I am sleeping around and I guess so are you...lets spend some time together." 
They then get upset when the "serious" part never actually kicks in...

Exactly.

I was trying to see what his mindset is and where he stands in life. There are guys who are done with casual and are looking for a life partner and I was asked that many times too buy guys I met online, what am I looking for. So I see no big deal in asking.

I think it's worse if I don't ask and then realise after 3 or 4 dates that his mindset is only casual. Waste of time. So I prefer to ask in advance. 

A guy who is serious will like a woman who asks this because she is showing she is serious and has self-respect. I'm not asking him to commit to me, I'm asking what do you want from life and relationships at this point in life, after all we're in our 40's, we're not 20 year old kids anymore.

Yes I see casual as ONS, FWB, the sort. Dating properly before it gets serious is not casual to me. It's dating.

[girlnextdoor2020]

11 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

I think it's a huge mistake to even say the words "casual," "no hookups," or anything like that. Don't even talk about what you DON'T want. Talk about what you do what - a relationship. Law of attraction doesn't understand no/negative.

Kind of how you just know that anybody who writes on their dating profile "don't want any drama" is a drama queen/drama magnet.

That's why I asked him what does he want.

Edited July 28, 2020 by girlnextdoor2020

[poppyfields]

5 minutes ago, girlnextdoor2020 said:

Exactly.

I was trying to see what his mindset is and where he stands in life. There are guys who are done with casual and are looking for a life partner and I was asked that many times too buy guys I met online, what am I looking for. So I see no big deal in asking.

I think it's worse if I don't ask and then realise after 3 or 4 dates that his mindset is only casual. Waste of time. So I prefer to ask in advance. 

A guy who is serious will like a woman who asks this because she is showing she is serious and has self-respect. I'm not asking him to commit to me, I'm asking what do you want from life and relationships at this point in life, after all we're in our 40's, we're not 20 year old kids anymore.

Yes I see casual as ONS, FWB, the sort. Dating properly before it gets serious is not casual to me. It's dating.

Fair enough!  You appear to have it all figured out, you know what you want, what you don't want, so why this thread?

Just do you, what's right for yourself.  There is no right or wrong here.  You don't need anyone else's permission.

All the best in your search, I mean that.

 

 

Edited July 28, 2020 by poppyfields

[Redhead14]

33 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

 no man worth his salt will commit to his intentions before the first date.  

All he has to do is be open about whether or not he is looking for a long-term relationship or not as part of his overall goal for his life at the time.  He cannot say that that a relationship would happen with a particular woman before he actually starts dating her but he at least needs to be open-minded/open to/wanting to work toward that possibility and he needs to date the women that way.  If a woman is looking for a long-term relationship for herself as a goal, she needs to date men who are open to that from the get go.  Not guys who are wishy washy/nebulous about what they want.  And, she shouldn't be wishy washy either.  99% of the time if a guy says he's looking to date casually, he's looking to have a casual dating experience.   The "something that can become serious" is a carrot to expand his opportunities, a grass-catcher of sorts.  And, if its about not really knowing what he wants, etc., I think a woman who knows what she wants should pass. 

Having overall dating goals and being clear and upfront about them and dating people who are on the same page overall, helps prevent a lot of wasted time and emotion. 

Edited July 28, 2020 by Redhead14

[girlnextdoor2020]

2 minutes ago, Redhead14 said:

All he has to do is be open about whether or not he is looking for a long-term relationship or not as part of his overall goal for his life at the time.  He cannot say that that a relationship would happen with a particular woman before he actually starts dating her but he at least needs to be open-minded/open to/wanting to work toward that possibility and he needs to date the women that way.  If a woman is looking for a long-term relationship for herself as a goal, she needs to date men who are open to that from the get go.  Not be all wishy washy/nebulous about what he wants.  99% of the time if a guy says he's looking to date casually, he's looking to have a casual dating experience.   The "something that can become serious" is a carrot to expand his opportunities, a grass-catcher of sorts.  And, if its about not really knowing what he wants, etc., I think a woman who knows what she wants should pass. 

Yes, this!

[d0nnivain]

5 minutes ago, girlnextdoor2020 said:

I think it's worse if I don't ask and then realise after 3 or 4 dates that his mindset is only casual. Waste of time. So I prefer to ask in advance. 

IMO there is  a difference between having this conversation before the 1st date & not having it until after 3-4 dates.  Try having it ON date 1 instead, especially with a man like this guy from the surf shop with whom you have been talking already.  

I see the pattern of you sabotaging things before they can get started because right now you are in a head space where you enjoy bemoaning the fact that in your opinion there are no good guys.  You nitpick everything.  Until you are a bit more open, no man will meet your expectations  

I'm not talking about abandoning your principals or your goals, just tweaking the timing.  

[girlnextdoor2020]

3 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Fair enough!  You appear to have it all figured out, you know what you want, what you don't want, so why this thread?

Just do you, what's right for yourself.  There is no right or wrong here.  You don't need anyone else's permission.

All the best in your search, I mean that.

 

 

Thank you!

[Ruby Slippers]

6 hours ago, girlnextdoor2020 said:

He asked me out for a date and I asked him what is he looking for, if something potentially serious or just casual. He responded both, that it can start as casual and then become serious, who knows.

You said you included "just casual" in your question. Essentially, you're implying to him that casual is an option with you, that he doesn't have to do much to get you into bed.

Then his predictable response says to me: "Yeah, I'm definitely take the easy sex, and maybe if you pass all my tests it might become serious - but don't hold your breath."

Kinda like a stray animal saying: "Will you adopt me as your pet or just throw me scraps in the yard?"

Then the guy goes, "I'll throw you scraps, and then if you're a very good girl I might adopt you."

Very poor footing from which to start anything, IMO.

[girlnextdoor2020]

2 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

IMO there is  a difference between having this conversation before the 1st date & not having it until after 3-4 dates.  Try having it ON date 1 instead, especially with a man like this guy from the surf shop with whom you have been talking already.  

I see the pattern of you sabotaging things before they can get started because right now you are in a head space where you enjoy bemoaning the fact that in your opinion there are no good guys.  You nitpick everything.  Until you are a bit more open, no man will meet your expectations  

I'm not talking about abandoning your principals or your goals, just tweaking the timing.  

Maybe you're right. That's why I stopped with the OLD, but then I met this guy offline and really liked him. Well anyway I'll go on the date with him and try to be open about it.

[poppyfields]

7 minutes ago, girlnextdoor2020 said:

Yes, this!

Fab, I'm glad you found someone who agrees with your mindset. 

Next step is to find a man with that exact mindset, and who words that mindset to your liking. 

I'm a bit more flexible and willing to date a man for a bit, but that's me. 

And that mindset has worked well for me. 

But again, you do YOU.  Be true to yourself, and your own standards. 

Edited July 28, 2020 by poppyfields

[girlnextdoor2020]

Just now, Ruby Slippers said:

You said you included "just casual" in your question. Essentially, you're implying to him that casual is an option with you, that he doesn't have to do much to get you into bed.

Then his predictable response says to me: "Yeah, I'm definitely take the easy sex, and maybe if you pass all my tests it might become serious - but don't hold your breath."

Kinda like a stray animal saying: "Will you adopt me as your pet or just throw me scraps in the yard?"

Then the guy goes, "I'll throw you scraps, and then if you're a very good girl I might adopt you."

Very poor footing from which to start anything, IMO.

Well not really because he then asked me what I want, I told him and he said we're on the same page. So he knows that casual is not an option to me. 

[girlnextdoor2020]

Just now, poppyfields said:

Fab, I'm glad you found someone who agrees with your mindset. 

Next step is to find a man with that exact mindset, and who words that mindset to your exact  liking. 

I'm a bit more flexible and willing to date a man for a bit, but that's me. 

And that mindset has worked well for me. 

But again, you do YOU.  Be true to yourself, and your own standards. 

I think I've met so many guys online who were only looking for casual or didn't know, etc, that now that question became normal to me early on.

[d0nnivain]

On the date I think you will get a better sense of the man.  You may be right.  He may only be looking for a ONS but I think it will be clearer & more reliable to find that out in person.  Since he did say you are on the same page, I'm optimistic for you.  

Who knows, if the date stinks you might meet somebody better while you are out on the date.   

Go.  Have fun.  Let us know what happens.  I'll keep my fingers crossed.  

[poppyfields]

15 minutes ago, girlnextdoor2020 said:

I think I've met so many guys online who were only looking for casual or didn't know, etc, that now that question became normal to me early on.

Sounds like you're burned out from OLDing.  I'm sorry. 

I only OLDed for a very short while, the men I dated, I met at events, meet ups, or just out and about.  Although I did meet my current bf on line. 

I rarely, if ever, even asked the question, my mindset was always that it starts casual - fun, easy, let's see where it takes us.

I never worried about it.  If it became serious, great, if not that's okay too. 

Most times however, it did become serious.  Like with my current and my long term ex before him.

It happened naturally, gradually and organically.  The way I prefer things happen.  

No one likes expectations or the pressure of having to fulfill another person's expectations, such as knowing they want "serious" right off the bat.

Huge attraction killer imo.  A little mystery can be a good thing sometimes too.

 

Edited July 28, 2020 by poppyfields

[Ami1uwant]

2 hours ago, girlnextdoor2020 said:

 

When I asked him what is he looking for, it was not looking for with me, but in general! What I meant was at this point in his life, where does he stand? Does he just want something casual or is looking for a life partner (like I am)? 

At this point I have no idea what I want with him because I don't know him yet to respond to that, but if someone asks me in general what are you looking for, I would say I am looking for a life partner and not interested at all in anything casual.

Yes of course serious relationships can start casual, but I wanted to know the intentions, or the energy he is at at this point in his life.

I'm at a point where I want to meet the right person for something serious, so no point in going on dates with someone who is not on the same page. It can be off putting asking it directly before our date, but I prefer not to waste my time.

What you actually asked and what you tried to get ar were very different.

as I said in my comment, no guy will answer that question any differently than how he responded.

 

adifferrnt question to ask is...do you want to get married someday?

 

not...my baby clock is ticking, I want tomspit out a baby within 2 yrs..you in?

 

taking a few dates to get to know someone and ask the important questions in a way that’s not leading will get you answers to decide if you want to pursue this or not. It’s not wasting your time.

 

 

Edited July 28, 2020 by Ami1uwant

[girlnextdoor2020]

Ok guys so an update on this guy. Yeap he was just looking to hit.

Last night we were texting and out of nowhere he asked if he can send me a goodnight photo, and sends me a photo of himself in boxers, saying he is imagining I was there with him kissing and caressing him... 

I told him sorry but I am not the right person to go down that route, so we're not going to go any further. And then deleted his number.

I guess my gut feeling about him was right from the start that he only wanted something sexual and nothing else, and that's why I felt the urge to ask him what does he want. I'm disgusted to say the least. 

Why guys do this? We were having nice conversations, were going on a date, why ruin everything by being disgusting and disrespectful? And in his 40's?? Really I don't get it. Anyway, moving forward.

Edited July 29, 2020 by girlnextdoor2020

[d0nnivain]

Sorry about that.  You were right to delete.  

[girlnextdoor2020]

27 minutes ago, enigma32 said:

The vast majority of times a guy sounds flaky or vague when the idea of a commitment comes up, it's because he is trying to avoid the conversation. For example, if I meet you, I consider you attractive enough for sex, but something about you made me decide I would never date you seriously, I will not even mention commitments. If we hook up and you get upset that I refuse to be your BF or whatever, well, I never said I would, did I? If you have expectations that sex will lead to a relationship, it's not because I told you I was looking for a relationship. It's on you. That's the common male thought process. 

As to why men in their 40's do this. Why wouldn't we? A lot of guys in my age bracket lost their butt in a divorce and feel some kind of way about relationships. I came really close to giving up on that sort of thing myself. Guys still need to get laid though, so they're still gonna do what they do. 

Basically, listen to any warnings men give you. Even more than that, pay closer attention even to how we treat you. A guy will show you his attentions much more clearly than he will explain them. Take this guy for example. He was vague in conversations about commitments, but he clearly showed you he was after sex only the moment he sent you that picture. 

I went through a divorce too years ago. It was hard and painful, I was alone for a long time not wanting to date and I almost gave up too. 

But, I decided to heal and move on, and have the desire to be in a much better and healthy relationship. So I want a guy who feels that way too. Not a guy who didn't heal at all and is so full of trauma and baggage that the only thing he can give a woman is sex. So sad.

"Guys still need to get laid though". Really? Are guys monkeys? That the desire to get laid and have sex with any woman is valid? I'm sorry but I guess I am looking for an evolved man who thinks differently.

Edited July 29, 2020 by girlnextdoor2020

[5x5]

25 minutes ago, girlnextdoor2020 said:

"Guys still need to get laid though". Really? Are guys monkeys? That the desire to get laid and have sex with any woman is valid? I'm sorry but I guess I am looking for an evolved man who thinks differently.

No guys aren't monkeys, yet humans are primates and a desire to want to have sex is certainly inherent in our species.

That said it is a bit over the top for most men and women your age and older who have had sex for decades. To pretend that sex has little if anything to do with sexual relationships and to be all shy and coy about it.

Likewise albeit a bit lame, your potential date did himself a favour by being forward (which was probably done in part to rule out time wasting women). Which quickly revealed you probably weren't very sexual, which  obviated any need for him to waste any more of his time pursuing you.

At the end of the day if you are after a man who isn't especially interested in having sex and getting on with it. They are out there some of them have plumbing issues, or personality issues.

So fear not, in your quest to find an evolved man. Since plenty of men your age and older start to have problems with their plumbing, which puts a kibosh on some of them wanting much if any sex at all. So you may  get lucky and find a man, who isn't especially keen to have sex with you early on, although that usually translates to not much if at all from them going forward after that (being evolved).

At the end of the day though, given that most of my married friends or de facto partnered friends all of whom have mostly been together for decades. Almost all of them including myself started out as casual get togethers at parties, clubs, pubs, work etc, and had sex anywhere from the first meeting to the 2nd or 3rd date. Happy monkeys all!

 

[elaine567]

2 minutes ago, 5x5 said:

Which quickly revealed you probably weren't very sexual, which  obviated any need for him to waste any more of his time pursuing you.

That doesn't really follow, as not wanting to have sex with some guy she has never met and doesn't know, is not the same as not liking sex.
Plenty women like sex with their "partners", but are not willing to have sex with just any random guy that shows up.
 

[girlnextdoor2020]

10 minutes ago, 5x5 said:

No guys aren't monkeys, yet humans are primates and a desire to want to have sex is certainly inherent in our species.

That said it is a bit over the top for most men and women your age and older who have had sex for decades. To pretend that sex has little if anything to do with sexual relationships and to be all shy and coy about it.

Likewise albeit a bit lame, your potential date did himself a favour by being forward (which was probably done in part to rule out time wasting women). Which quickly revealed you probably weren't very sexual, which  obviated any need for him to waste any more of his time pursuing you.

At the end of the day if you are after a man who isn't especially interested in having sex and getting on with it. They are out there some of them have plumbing issues, or personality issues.

So fear not, in your quest to find an evolved man. Since plenty of men your age and older start to have problems with their plumbing, which puts a kibosh on some of them wanting much if any sex at all. So you may  get lucky and find a man, who isn't especially keen to have sex with you early on, although that usually translates to not much if at all from them going forward after that (being evolved).

At the end of the day though, given that most of my married friends or de facto partnered friends all of whom have mostly been together for decades. Almost all of them including myself started out as casual get togethers at parties, clubs, pubs, work etc, and had sex anywhere from the first meeting to the 2nd or 3rd date. Happy monkeys all!

 

Well you didn't understand what I meant at all.

I am sexual, I love sex and I want sex in a relationship. Does that mean I am having casual sex with any guy? No. To me sex is part of intimacy and not to be done with total strangers.

It didn't reveal I am not sexual, it only revealed I am not looking for just sex. So no not all guys are having sex with anything hat moves and not all guys have "problems with their plumbing and aren't sexual". There are men who function perfectly fine but have self respect and feel no need to have sex with just anyone. That's the guy I want.

Edited July 29, 2020 by girlnextdoor2020

[5x5]

24 minutes ago, girlnextdoor2020 said:

There are men who function perfectly fine but have self respect and feel no need to have sex with just anyone. That's the guy I want.

I turned down plenty of women who wanted to have sex with me, so I certainly wouldn't have sex with anyone.

Yet I was open to sex with some women early on and even married two of them and am still happily with one of them after 24 years. So one can have sex with someone early on and end up having a wonderfully splendid long term relationship as a consequence.

[girlnextdoor2020]

51 minutes ago, 5x5 said:

I turned down plenty of women who wanted to have sex with me, so I certainly wouldn't have sex with anyone.

Yet I was open to sex with some women early on and even married two of them and am still happily with one of them after 24 years. So one can have sex with someone early on and end up having a wonderfully splendid long term relationship as a consequence.

Yes I agree you can have sex early on with someone, but to me if that happens is a natural "consequence" of feeling a great connection on a date with a man, not from some weirdo who invites me on a date but then sends me pictures of himself in boxers wanting sex talk even before the date. To me that is no connection at all, it only shows he's a f***boy and nothing else. So I pass.