girlnextdoor2020 Posted July 28, 2020 Posted July 28, 2020 Last weekend I've met a guy at a local surf school, we talked for some time and then he asked for my number. So we started texting each other since then and I got some sexual vibes from him. He didn't say anything openly about it, but I can tell he is attracted, which is fine. He asked me out for a date and I asked him what is he looking for, if something potentially serious or just casual. He responded both, that it can start as casual and then become serious, who knows. I've used OLD before and heard many guys saying this too. I've never proceed to go on a date with them. So, what's up with guys that say this casual-that-can-become-serious thing? Are they just lying, wanting something just casual but don't have the courage to say so? Because it's what makes me feel. I am looking for something serious with the right person, and of course it takes time to become serious, but I don't plan to be involved with a guy, be intimate, etc, when his intentions were never serious. It makes me feel unsafe like stepping into dangerous waters. What do you think?
5x5 Posted July 28, 2020 Posted July 28, 2020 (edited) 27 minutes ago, girlnextdoor2020 said: So, what's up with guys that say this casual-that-can-become-serious thing? Are they just lying, wanting something just casual but don't have the courage to say so? Because it's what makes me feel. Over 24 years ago when my wife (who I have been happily married to for 21+ years) asked me out on a date, she was expecting nothing more than some short term casual sex with me. When I said yes to my wife asking me out on that first date I was expecting nothing more than some short term casual sex with her. When I met my ex-wife at a party, we shared several hours of casual sex together, around two hours after meeting each other. After that we then ended up as a couple who started dating each other, before we got married 18 months later. All of my other ongoing and non-ongoing sexual relationships, have started out as non-committal casual things to begin with as well. Of which I never faced a shortage of splendid women who were okay with that, and or felt the same way as well. I certainly never lied to anyone about my intentions, nor was any of it about having no courage. If the sex was great and we liked each other the relationship would carry on. Whereas if the sex sucked, there'd be no point in carrying on even if we liked each other. Since there is no sensible reason to carry on a sexual relationship, with someone when the sex is lame through awful (square pegs and round holes). So for some of us we prefer to find out if we're compatible sexually, before we invest too much on the emotional side of things to no end. Edited July 28, 2020 by 5x5 4
basil67 Posted July 28, 2020 Posted July 28, 2020 I joke that my partner of nearly 30 years and I are the world's longest one night stand 2
Erik30 Posted July 28, 2020 Posted July 28, 2020 1 hour ago, girlnextdoor2020 said: So, what's up with guys that say this casual-that-can-become-serious thing? Are they just lying, wanting something just casual but don't have the courage to say so? Because it's what makes me feel. When I say something like that, it just means there's no pressure and I'm okay with whatever might happen. If we just go on a couple of dates and that's it... that's fine. If it turns into a serious relationship... great! However, I can see people abusing that to give others "hope" while they're only interested in casual 5
thefooloftheyear Posted July 28, 2020 Posted July 28, 2020 Common and effective tactic.. Men know most women don't put out if you don't give them hope of something serious...So they tell them that, but give themselves an out, so if they want to just play the field or juggle women...or they feel its just not worthy of anything more than sex.....It shifts the guilt away from promising something that you have no sure plan of delivering on... All that said, it can still mean he is interested in LTR....but at least by telling you what he did, you went into it knowing that he had an out, so he doesn't have to be the bad guy or the liar, when it collapses or he moves on.. TFY 2
Mystery4u Posted July 28, 2020 Posted July 28, 2020 It means ' I want to have sex with you without any commitment so I can still have sex with other women if the opportunity arises, then at some point in the future I will decide if you are worth getting serious with. If you are not then you can't be mad at me for having sex with you anyway as I told you at the start it was just casual'. His early sexual vibes confirm that clearly. He is not ready to be in a serious relationship. 4
Blind-Sided Posted July 28, 2020 Posted July 28, 2020 The problem is... everyone is differnt. It could just be a line to go out with a girl who wants a serious relationship. But, someone like me will say it to test the waters. How can I say I want something serious when I don't really know the girl? With that said... since this was a face-to-face meeting, and not OLD or a "Meet up" kind of event... I would tend to think it was a real answer. So go out, and see where it goes. 2
contel3 Posted July 28, 2020 Posted July 28, 2020 my advice, regardless of what he actually meant: If you're not ok with it staying entirely casual, don't sleep with him. He might develop feelings for you, he might not.....but your chances are better if you meet a guy who actually wants to date you from the get go. 1
Ruby Slippers Posted July 28, 2020 Posted July 28, 2020 It can happen, has happened to me that we had sex on the first date and within a few months he brought up the idea of marriage, was taking all the clear steps toward it. But in most cases that won't happen. Don't even mention casual as an option if you don't want that risk. It implies you might be ok with it, which suggests you're an easy mark. Ask what he's looking for and see how he answers. 1
Wiseman2 Posted July 28, 2020 Posted July 28, 2020 No one has a crystal ball. Start with confidence. Asking about casual sounds like you jump in too fast and get burned a lot. Go on the date and you decide you want to continue. Stop texting this much. 1
elaine567 Posted July 28, 2020 Posted July 28, 2020 If you don't want to be seen as casual then do not agree to casual, or suggest you are looking for casual. Once he puts you in the "casual" box, then you are probably never going to get out of it. 2
Redhead14 Posted July 28, 2020 Posted July 28, 2020 (edited) It's, "I'll go out and have dates and sex with you, but don't expect much or look to develop a relationship. Yeah, maybe something might click and it will grow, but likelihood is fairly low. Guys usually know what they want so you should believe them when they tell you what they want right out of the gate. And by the way, they aren't doing anything wrong, like trying to take advantage of a woman. They are being honest upfront so if a woman is looking for more for herself and she spins things to fit her agenda instead of taking them at their word, she needs to take responsibility if things don't go the way she hoped or if she has sex with him and disappears/fades. Like I said, believe men when they tell you what they want. Edited July 28, 2020 by Redhead14 1
Wiseman2 Posted July 28, 2020 Posted July 28, 2020 Don't hand out your phone number to any random guy who tries to pick you up. 1
Bluesky00 Posted July 28, 2020 Posted July 28, 2020 Not really .something causal is short term sex. He has Options 1
d0nnivain Posted July 28, 2020 Posted July 28, 2020 It means that you put him on the spot & he had no idea what you wanted so he didn't know what to say. Look at the timing. You two have been chatting / flirting. He got up the courage to ask you on a proper date. That is a good sign that he values you & isn't looking for a ONS. Instead of accepting that at face value you asked him what he was looking for. Hon, he was looking for a date. It's insane to look into the future before you even have a 1st date so the fact that you asked about his "intentions" was off putting. He gave a poorly worded open ended answer because seriously a 1st date is only about the 1st date. You were wrong to ask point blank about more this early. You would have been better served by going on the date & getting to know him. I think you are so afraid of getting hurt that you have lost the ability to take calculated risks. Agreeing to one date is not getting involved. It's also not an agreement to have sex. It's one date. You need to power down & not demand so much of someone who you don't know who is trying to get to know you. You ask Qs like what are you looking for on the 5th or 6th date before you decide to have sex, not before the 1st date. 5 3
Ami1uwant Posted July 28, 2020 Posted July 28, 2020 Last time I checked I’m a guy font read anything into this comment about casual thrn serious. if he said..I’m looking for something serious right now you’d be running...
kendahke Posted July 28, 2020 Posted July 28, 2020 (edited) 4 hours ago, girlnextdoor2020 said: He responded both, that it can start as casual and then become serious, who knows. He's looking for some summer fun. That's it. If it starts casual, it will stay casual. He added that "it could become serious" line to check your temperature--to see if he can get those panties and then be gone. Edited July 28, 2020 by kendahke 1
kendahke Posted July 28, 2020 Posted July 28, 2020 4 hours ago, 5x5 said: When I met my ex-wife at a party, we shared several hours of casual sex together, around two hours after meeting each other. After that we then ended up as a couple who started dating each other, before we got married 18 months later. OP: understand that this is in the .0000025% of these interactions. This is not the norm. 1
poppyfields Posted July 28, 2020 Posted July 28, 2020 (edited) Imo, all or most relationships start out casual. You have to date for a while, get to know each other before deciding if a particular person is someone you envision getting serious with. It would be absurd to think you'd want to be serious with someone you just met, or with OLD just chatting with before meeting. I am of the belief that no one knows what the heck they want with a particular person right off the bat. And I'd run like the dickens away from any man who told me he did. It takes time! And yes those early stages should be casual. Fun, easy, light, no pressure. OP dating and relationships are a risk. One has to be able to tolerate some uncertainty in the beginning while you both navigate the process and decide what you want to happen - with each other. Where you want the relationship to go. There are no guarantees and if you're unable to take a risk and withstand a bit of uncertainty in those early stages, then don't date. It's really that simple. Edited July 28, 2020 by poppyfields 4
poppyfields Posted July 28, 2020 Posted July 28, 2020 14 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said: if he said..I’m looking for something serious right now you’d be running... Exactly my point! 1
smackie9 Posted July 28, 2020 Posted July 28, 2020 (edited) It's no different than women putting on their profile, looking for friendship....it's a way of saying they are being cautious. Everyone out there dating is always weighing their options because there can be so many to choose from, so they put down "casual" 'friendship". IMO that's being honest about it. Not everyone, but most do want to be with the right person. Edited July 28, 2020 by smackie9
Author girlnextdoor2020 Posted July 28, 2020 Author Posted July 28, 2020 (edited) 20 minutes ago, poppyfields said: Exactly my point! 22 minutes ago, poppyfields said: Imo, all or most relationships start out casual. You have to date for a while, get to know each other before deciding if a particular person is someone you envision getting serious with. It would be absurd to think you'd want to be serious with someone you just met, or with OLD just chatting with before meeting. I am of the belief that no one knows what the heck they want with a particular person right off the bat. And I'd run like the dickens away from any man who told me he did. It takes time! And yes those early stages should be casual. Fun, easy, light, no pressure. OP dating and relationships are a risk. One has to be able to tolerate some uncertainty in the beginning while you both navigate the process and decide what you want to happen - with each other. Where you want the relationship to go. There are no guarantees and if you're unable to take a risk and withstand a bit of uncertainty in those early stages, then don't date. It's really that simple. When I asked him what is he looking for, it was not looking for with me, but in general! What I meant was at this point in his life, where does he stand? Does he just want something casual or is looking for a life partner (like I am)? At this point I have no idea what I want with him because I don't know him yet to respond to that, but if someone asks me in general what are you looking for, I would say I am looking for a life partner and not interested at all in anything casual. Yes of course serious relationships can start casual, but I wanted to know the intentions, or the energy he is at at this point in his life. I'm at a point where I want to meet the right person for something serious, so no point in going on dates with someone who is not on the same page. It can be off putting asking it directly before our date, but I prefer not to waste my time. Edited July 28, 2020 by girlnextdoor2020 3
poppyfields Posted July 28, 2020 Posted July 28, 2020 (edited) I understand what you're saying and I think you both may have been on the same page even though his wording was different from yours and not to your liking. Not everyone is going to word everything like you would "I'm looking for a life partner" but their intentions could very well be the same. His energy was right where it should be, imo. Casual at first, open to serious with the right person. I would have taken no issue with that. In fact, it's what my bf of almost 3 years told me when we started chatting on line and I agreed! And now we are in a serious relationship, talking marriage. There are men who will tell you they are looking for "serious," a life partner, so what? They could have two dates with you and realize you're not that person and dump you. So what good did him telling you he's looking for a life partner do? Nothing. On the other hand, a man may say he is looking for casual but falls in love with you, and decides he wants something serious, with you. That is actually what happened with my ex. We were together 6 years. It sounds like you are seeking some sort of guarantee to lessen the likelihood of you getting hurt. Sorry, not gonna happen. It's all a risk. No guarantees. But if you have trust in yourself, knowing you will be OK no matter what happens, it makes it easier to take the risk. Edited July 28, 2020 by poppyfields 1
d0nnivain Posted July 28, 2020 Posted July 28, 2020 16 minutes ago, girlnextdoor2020 said: I'm at a point where I want to meet the right person for something serious, so no point in going on dates with someone who is not on the same page. It can be off putting asking it directly before our date, but I prefer not to waste my time. If you understand that the ask before the date is going to cause most men to decide not to date you, fine. However I think you are sabotaging things before they begin because subconsciously you are not ready to date. You said as much in your last thread about the guys who asked for last minute afternoon dates when you said you wanted mornings. It's good to have standards but you are applying your filters too early. Go on the date & learn about the guy's energy, intentions, life goals ON the date not through some sort of pre-date interrogation Seriously even a man with the desire for a long term partner will rule you out as being unsuitable due to the harsh way in which you demand he present his qualifications. I don't think asking the Q in advance saves you any heartache. Con Man 101 is tell you what you want to hear. Without the foundation of the date & his position on a variety of subjects as well as how he carries himself you have no context from which to determine if he's lying. It's easy to say I want something serious. It's much harder to live that & no man worth his salt will commit to his intentions before the first date. 2
elaine567 Posted July 28, 2020 Posted July 28, 2020 4 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: no man worth his salt will commit to his intentions before the first date. No but it is not his intentions she is seeking to establish, it is his mindset. This guy is I guess seeking casual as it was the first thing out of his mouth. The OP is seeking serious and had she been asked the same question, she would not have mentioned casual. Seems to me some women see casual as what happens before serious but casual is not that. It is "I am sleeping around and I guess so are you...lets spend some time together." They then get upset when the "serious" part never actually kicks in... 2
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