Boyfriend doesn't want to live together

[Hurt1234]

I still hold a married status as I am going through a nasty long divorce. My boyfriend and I have been together just over a year. We are very much in love and although I have had insecurities in the past we always worked through them. My husband cheated on me and I became insecure at times that boyfriend would do the same. He has always reassured me he wasn't that kind of guy.

 

I currently live in my matrimonial home with me ex husband and have been throughout my one year relationship with bf. Due to life changing events and tragedies, 3 deaths in the family, losing my job, covid and my son being diagnosed with cancer I have not been mentally stable to/able to/afford to move out. I am actively looking for work now that covid is somewhat getting better. My boyfriend has been supportive and understanding throughout this.

 

My boyfriend moves into a new place in a month or so. I suggested maybe we could move there together and I pay him rent rather then throwing my rent into a strangers mortgage. We talk about our future all the time. Living together and such. The idea was to keep his place for 1 year then buy something together. He doesn't want to get married nor have children, I am ok with this. When I brought up moving in together he said, excuse #1, his new place was a project/investment for him and he would like to complete it on his own. Ok..well once he moves in, project complete! why can't I be there if he wants a future with me? He hummed and ha'd and said, excuse # 2, he wants me to have the 'divorced' title before living together.

 

I feel these are excuses. So as much as we love one another, we can have sex while I still hold the 'married' title, but we can't live together even though he says this is what he eventually wants. We have waited a year with all kinds of talk about living together and now that the time has arrived where I am almost on my feet to move out he says we will but not now.

 

How can I not take this personally? I am hurt and not positive if I am over reacting. I know he has goals but that goal is complete once move in day comes. Since this conversation I have become even more insecure wondering if maybe he wants to live a bit of a bachelor life before living with me (he currently lives with his parents) maybe he wants some independence and solitude. Don't over play scenarios for the past year of us living together to be such a dream but when it comes down to it, its not his reality when its time for both of us to move out.

Any comments, thoughts suggestions? I'm hurt and I don't want to bring it up with him again however I may need to because I'm not happy.

[kendahke]

11 minutes ago, Hurt1234 said:

still hold a married status as I am going through a nasty long divorce.

11 minutes ago, Hurt1234 said:

why can't I be there if he wants a future with me? He hummed and ha'd and said, excuse # 2, he wants me to have the 'divorced' title before living together.

I feel these are excuses.

They aren't and he's right.  You have a lot in your life you need to get through and clean up before you can get into another relationship. 

I don't read it as hemming and hawing...It sounds more like he doesn't want your s2b ex coming to his home trying to burn it down because his wife and his kids are in there.

As painful as this reality/truth is, take it as your impetus to put your shoulder in the harness and pull. You have a serious hill you have to push a 10 tonne bolder to the top and over.  FWIW, I've very sorry your dear son is ill... I hope he will recover.

Your boyfriend doesn't sound like he wants to be your saviour--you're going to have to swim to shore on your own.

Quote

we can have sex while I still hold the 'married' title, but we can't live together

Yes because that isn't you legally in his residence where he'd have to file for eviction to get you out. Don't forget, though--you also participated in having sex for a year with this guy. 

Edited July 27, 2020 by kendahke

[Wiseman2]

13 minutes ago, Hurt1234 said:

he wants me to have the 'divorced' title before living together.

He's right, you need to get your life in order. It sounds like he prefers you as an affair partner, where you go home to your husband, kids etc and he doesn't see you as gf material or long term. Just easy because hubby pays the bills and does the heavy lifting, etc. He doesn't see you as a life partner.

Edited July 27, 2020 by Wiseman2

[BaileyB]

First things first, I’m sorry that you’ve had such a difficult year.

That said, it is way too early to move in with your boyfriend. Maybe, if you were divorced and your life was more settled and you were living on your own... But seriously, how has this guy even agreed to be in a serious relationship with a woman who is still married and living in her family home? That is something I would never do.

My suggestion is to get your own place, get your children settled, find yourself a job... and take your time. I can see how you may think that it makes sense for you to move in with this man... you need a place to live and he has a place! But you have a whole lot you need to get square before you are ready for that. And, if you want this relationship to last - you want to get square. You want to give it the best chance of working...

Edited July 27, 2020 by BaileyB

[FMW]

I understand that it hurts your feelings, but I also understand why he wants to wait to live together.  You haven't been able to move on from your marriage, it's impossible until you are officially divorced.

It doesn't sound like you had any time between your husband and your boyfriend.  He probably needs to see that you are able to be independent enough to be on your own for awhile before moving in with him.  Otherwise it's not unreasonable to think you are moving from one man to another for security and neediness.  Feeling like someone needs you to take care of them can be a burden.  He's smart to want you to show you can take care of yourself.  

It's certainly in your best interest as well.  You need to figure out who you are on your own and not in relation to a man.  

11 minutes ago, Hurt1234 said:

Due to life changing events and tragedies, 3 deaths in the family, losing my job, covid and my son being diagnosed with cancer I have not been mentally stable to/able to/afford to move out.

That is a whole lot to deal with.  Do what you need to do to get mentally and financially stable enough to take care of yourself.  You are (possibly unconsciously) looking for him to be your savior and he feels that pressure.  You both need to be in a good place on your own before making further commitment to each other.   If he's living with his parents then he may not be in the best position himself, even though he has plans to buy his own place.  He's not there yet.   

Trust in your relationship and don't rush things.  You'll have a lot better chance of long term happiness together if you take things slow.    

[Hurt1234]

Well I thought we had a future, we always talked about it so yes sex was a part of us. I understand the eviction part but the dreams were so big for both of us and now when it comes down to it he doesn't want to just yet. I am crushed and confused and now doubting his feelings are fully genuine.

[BaileyB]

9 minutes ago, FMW said:

It’s  not unreasonable to think you are moving from one man to another. He's smart to want you to show you can take care of yourself.  

It's certainly in your best interest as well. That is a whole lot to deal with.  You both need to be in a good place on your own before making further commitment to each other.   

This is good advice. 

You want this relationship to work, make it happen. Do what he asks - show him that you are able to find a job, support yourself both financially and emotionally, separate from your husband and establish a healthy new boundary for your family. That’s the best way to convince him that you are a good and reliable partner, someone he wants in his life.

What he is asking is not unreasonable, it’s actually very smart. I understand, your feelings are hurt because you expected it to be different...  But if you get your nose out of joint and start doing silly things like questioning his commitment to you... we’ll that’s not going to do anything to progress this relationship forward. 

Edited July 27, 2020 by BaileyB

[Hurt1234]

Thank you all, I am seeing some light through the hurt but its tough. I appreciate all you have said

[schlumpy]

It's reasonable for him to worry about an emotional outburst from your soon to-be-EX but it also could be that he doesn't want to be accountable. 

You will have to decide which one it is.

 

[Ruby Slippers]

I'd do exactly the same thing he's doing. He's being smart and responsible. 

[kendahke]

1 hour ago, Hurt1234 said:

the dreams were so big

And that's all they were... dreams.

The reality is: you're in no place to set up house with another man when you've got a legal husband you haven't divorced. I'm sorry, but that's just the plain truth.

Your divorce needs to be dealt with if you're serious.

Let's say you move in with this boyfriend and something life-threatening requiring hospitalization occurs... you are legally bound to another man and your husband has the rights to determine your care, who can see you, etc., not your boyfriend. Your husband can tell the hospital that your boyfriend isn't allowed in your room and they will abide by that. That is probably one of the many reasons keeping him from letting you move in and play house. 

Get an app gig to amass the money you need to do what you need to do until you find a job that affords you to be able to move out on your own... stop looking to another man to save you.  He's telling you he's not Captain Save A ______ and he expects for you to be able to financially pull your own weight. Yes, it's brutal to find this out right at this time when it seems you're the punching bag of your circumstances, but this is what's going to make you stronger for both yourself and your children who do not need to be yanked to and fro from house to house.. That's not fair to them.

Do right by your children and focus on getting your life on track on your own. Yeah, it might take a bit of time, but right now, time's what you've got in spades--make good use of it.

[BaileyB]

6 minutes ago, kendahke said:

And that's all they were... dreams.

The reality is: you're in no place to set up house with another man when you've got a legal husband you haven't divorced. I'm sorry, but that's just the plain truth.

Your divorce needs to be dealt with if you're serious.

As a dear friend likes to say, dreams are free.

I would suggest that he is probably less worried about dealing with a bitter ex as he is taking on a new dependent. Because, that’s kind of what you would be right now... Once you show him that you can stand on your own two feet, then you can start seriously talking about a future together...

[curlygirl40]

I am agreeing with what everyone else is saying.  Even without everything you have going on, 1 year is too soon to really know someone and move in together, IMO.     So then add in your baggage (we all have it, not saying it's bad) and it makes the situation more scary.  

I understand your insecurities, I have been there myself.   My bf kept telling me that he wasn't ready to move in, he sees it in our future but not sure when, he's not ready to move (the conversation has always been about buying our own place), etc.   It seemed like every time we talked about it (about every 4-6 months after the first year), he had a different reason for why he wasn't ready.      Eventually he jumped on board and is now very enthusiastic about our plans (about 2 1/2 years or so into our relationship this happened).   He had to do it in his own time and your bf is the same.   

You need to show him that you can live on your own and not jump from one household to another while you're still married.   

Look at it this way, if he moves in with you under duress, he won't be happy in the long run and it won't work out anyway.  It's best to wait.   I understand that it's tough to wait but you are telling yourself stories about why he's saying these things, why he's using different reasons, etc.    In reality he's just being smart.   If you have no other reason to doubt his commitment to you and the relationship then it's smart to get your own place first and show that you can stand on your own.   That is best for you and for him.   Then when you do move in together, it will be for the right reasons.  It will be because he's excited about it and excited about starting a future with you and not because he felt like he had to.    So you'll be starting off on a much better foundation.   

It feels much better to know that your bf is with you because he wants to be, not because you forced your way in or convinced him it was the right choice.    Best of luck to you and I'm sorry you've had such a tough year.    Chin up!

 

 

[curlygirl40]

2 hours ago, Hurt1234 said:

I still hold a married status as I am going through a nasty long divorce. My boyfriend and I have been together just over a year. We are very much in love and although I have had insecurities in the past we always worked through them. My husband cheated on me and I became insecure at times that boyfriend would do the same. He has always reassured me he wasn't that kind of guy.

 

I currently live in my matrimonial home with me ex husband and have been throughout my one year relationship with bf. Due to life changing events and tragedies, 3 deaths in the family, losing my job, covid and my son being diagnosed with cancer I have not been mentally stable to/able to/afford to move out. I am actively looking for work now that covid is somewhat getting better. My boyfriend has been supportive and understanding throughout this.

 

My boyfriend moves into a new place in a month or so. I suggested maybe we could move there together and I pay him rent rather then throwing my rent into a strangers mortgage. We talk about our future all the time. Living together and such. The idea was to keep his place for 1 year then buy something together. He doesn't want to get married nor have children, I am ok with this. When I brought up moving in together he said, excuse #1, his new place was a project/investment for him and he would like to complete it on his own. Ok..well once he moves in, project complete! why can't I be there if he wants a future with me? He hummed and ha'd and said, excuse # 2, he wants me to have the 'divorced' title before living together.

 

I feel these are excuses. So as much as we love one another, we can have sex while I still hold the 'married' title, but we can't live together even though he says this is what he eventually wants. We have waited a year with all kinds of talk about living together and now that the time has arrived where I am almost on my feet to move out he says we will but not now.

 

How can I not take this personally? I am hurt and not positive if I am over reacting. I know he has goals but that goal is complete once move in day comes. Since this conversation I have become even more insecure wondering if maybe he wants to live a bit of a bachelor life before living with me (he currently lives with his parents) maybe he wants some independence and solitude. Don't over play scenarios for the past year of us living together to be such a dream but when it comes down to it, its not his reality when its time for both of us to move out.

Any comments, thoughts suggestions? I'm hurt and I don't want to bring it up with him again however I may need to because I'm not happy.

So I have already commented but then came back to read your initial post and I have other thoughts.     I'm not sure how old you two are (that would be helpful to know) but chances are good when he says he doesn't want to get married, he probably means it.  And right now you are saying you don't care about that.   Well that might change and you won't really know how you feel since at this moment, you are still married.   Once you have some time and distance from your marriage, you might find that you do want to be married again.  And then you're with a guy who told you from the start that he doesn't want to get married.    You need to think about that.   

Also, how many kids do you have and how old are they?     Again, since you said he lives with his parents, I'm wondering if he's younger.      

I think you both need to live on your own for a bit before combining households.   Let him get this place he's talking about and you find your own place and each live on your own.  Figure out what you want separately from him.    Do you ever want to marry again?  Are you sure you don't want to have more kids?  Is he really sure?    Again I don't know your ages, if you said you were 50 I'd be like 'Oh, she knows', lol, but if you're younger, you might totally change your mind.   

I think you're clinging on to him and the idea of moving in with him because you love him and you're fearful that maybe this means you are in different places with relationship goals.    But the tighter you hold on, the less of a grip you have.   Let go some, don't bring this up again for a while, get your own house in order, finalize your divorce, take care of your son and all will work out the way it should 

[thefooloftheyear]

Sounds like he's doubting the future of this(probably because of all the baggage, but I dunno..), but won't actually tell you that, because then you will cut off the sex(or end it)....

That's what it appears to be...

The other potential possibility is that he wants to live alone(while still having a partner)....Don't take what he said to you as gospel(life partner, etc..)....It may have been true at the time he said it, but not now...

Good luck

TFY

 

[ShyViolet]

4 hours ago, Hurt1234 said:

When I brought up moving in together he said, excuse #1, his new place was a project/investment for him and he would like to complete it on his own. Ok..well once he moves in, project complete! why can't I be there if he wants a future with me? He hummed and ha'd and said, excuse # 2, he wants me to have the 'divorced' title before living together.

I feel these are excuses.

It doesn't matter if you think they are excuses.  He doesn't want to move in with you right now.  I think he has a point.  Your life is rather chaotic and messy right now.  He doesn't feel comfortable tying himself to that.  Maybe he does want his independence.  Why would you want to pressure someone to live with you who doesn't really want to?

Take some time to get your life in order.  Move out and get your own place and become more stable.  Then maybe you can see if you and he can take the next step and move in together.

[Ami1uwant]

4 hours ago, Hurt1234 said:

Well I thought we had a future, we always talked about it so yes sex was a part of us. I understand the eviction part but the dreams were so big for both of us and now when it comes down to it he doesn't want to just yet. I am crushed and confused and now doubting his feelings are fully genuine.

 

You were lucky to even date him...many wouldn’t touch you till you were divorced.

nowyou want tp move in but not divorced yet...

 he might  be dating you because there was no pressure of marriage with dating you.

 

unlike what others have said...dating someone seriously under normal circumstances for a year is a good time to explore living together.

 

 

 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Ami1uwant said:

 

 he might  be dating you because there was no pressure of marriage with dating you.

 

 

 

 

 

Agree. He's living with his parents and you're living with your husband. He is not serious about you.

[Erik30]

10 hours ago, Hurt1234 said:

He doesn't want to get married nor have children,

Besides you being married, there's also the fact that you're a mom. A young guy who doesn't want to have kids, probably doesn't want to live with someone else's. 

[ExpatInItaly]

I agree with your boyfriend on this, OP. 

I'm a woman, but if you were a man - you have a lot to sort out before I would be ready to live together. I would want to see that you can get your ducks in a row on your own first, and how well you manage as an independent person without a proverbial life raft. 

Don't conflate his hesitation to move in right now with insincere feelings for you. I don't think that's a very fair assessment, especially considering your own living situation at the moment. Many people would side-eye you for living under the same roof as your not-yet-ex-husband while in a new relationship so I think you need to cut him a little slack and not call the kettle black here.

Get your own place first. Get your life back together again. Then talk about taking the next step. If you try to rush it now, it will almost certainly not go well. 

[d0nnivain]

I can understand why you are hurt.  You have this whole fairytale going on & now that it's not coming true you are disappointed. 

Problem is it was never grounded in reality.  You need to thank your luck stars that this guy is putting up with you still living in your marital home with your husband.  Most men would have never tolerated such an arrangement.  He has a good point that he doesn't want you to move straight from your husband's house to his.  It's time for you to get your act together & figure out your life.  Then you can talk about being a couple & living together in the future. 

My best wishes for your son.  

[Blind-Sided]

16 hours ago, Hurt1234 said:

1) My boyfriend moves into a new place in a month or so. I suggested maybe we could move there together and I pay him rent.......  When I brought up moving in together he said, excuse #1, his new place was a project/investment for him and he would like to complete it on his own. Ok..well once he moves in, project complete! why can't I be there if he wants a future with me? He hummed and ha'd and said, excuse # 2, he wants me to have the 'divorced' title before living together.

2) I feel these are excuses. 

3) How can I not take this personally? I am hurt and not positive if I am over reacting.......

4) I'm hurt and I don't want to bring it up with him again however I may need to because I'm not happy.

WOW.... where to start !!!  How about with the numbers posted above....

1) It's HIS place.  You mentioned he lives with his folks... he wants some alone time.  Not to mention... you have only been dating a year, and are still married.  I'm guessing until you are officially single... he won't want you living with him.  Why would he want to be in the middle of something like that, and not have a place of his own to retreat to?  Also... I know you have had some issues in your personal life, and haven't wanted to get the divorce... maybe he FEELS (referencing #2 below) that you are dragging your feet, and he is just the rebound????

2) You can feel anything you want.  The fact is... it's his place, and you are married still. Even if you aren't married... it's his place. PERIOD !!

3) You don't take it personally because it's not your place. You may love him, and he may love you... but you haven't committed to him yet. 

4) DO NOT bring it up again if you want the relationship to grow. All you will do is aggravate him, and he may see it as a time to cut his losses. 

OK... I just want to throw out a few personal notes here.  I'm very happy with my current GF, and we have talked about living together. But the reality is... I was with my exW for 20 years, and I kind of like not having to watch myself all the time. I like it a little quiet, and I have no problems being alone. I do have my kids the majority of the time... and on those few days, every other week that I don't have to take care of them... I WANT the house to be quiet.  Don't get me wrong... I love my kids, but I love myself too.  So, if my GF was full time at my house... I WOULD NOT have those "Alone" days. She may be over on those days... but she generally goes home eventually.   Sometimes a guy just needs to burp and fart and not care. 

I have a female friend who is in your situation.  She is married, but separated. She still lives in the marital home, but in a different room. She has a BF, and was talking to me about moving in with him. I told her it was a bad idea.  Even though her stbxH is level headed, and almost seems like he doesn't care the divorce is eminent... he may blow up, and be pounding on the other guy's door looking for her.  As long as she is at least going to the marital house at the end of the day... the issues won't bleed over into her new relationship. 

Anyway... there you have it.  There is no reason you should expect your new BF to be in the middle of your issues.  He needs his own place until you get your life sorted out. AND, if you let those problems bleed over into your relationship... it will be the cause of the end of the new relationship. 

Edited July 28, 2020 by Blind-Sided

[smackie9]

I agree with the others, he is making a solid mature decision. I'm so sorry you are really going through a tough time, but all that isn't your BF's responsibility to take care of. He's supportive, and TBH that's what you need most. You getting your life together first will only make you and your relationship stronger. Tough love as they say. Chin up, go forward. Best of luck.