skater503 Posted July 27, 2020 Posted July 27, 2020 Ok, so here is the story, I do not see anyway this could not be considered cheating, regardless of if any sex, or kissing, or even touching happened, but as I am getting pushback from my partner I want to make 100% sure before taking needed next steps. I went out of town for 4 days to go to a family function, while I was gone, my partner did not say she went out or did anything out of the ordinary, not too concerning as I do not need a constant update on location, came home, but something seemed up and she had a weird work routine, and ran some errands herself which I normally would always do, which seems weird. I did some digging, found texts between her and someone else, implying they were meeting up for food, and to hang out on these outings. Confronted her about it, after much screaming she admits she went to a bar/club while I was out of town, supposedly to meet a work friend, work friend never showed, she started talking to a guy, but says he's not my type, and I just needed someone to talk to, they ended up going to dinner that night (when they met), meeting for food at other times, and even meeting after hours at her work to just "talk". Even if I am to believe nothing ever happened, to me the fact she hid someone from me, snuck out to spend time with them, and even lied about what was up until I directly confronted her with text message proof, this is for sure cheating and should not be tolerated. Thoughts?
Wiseman2 Posted July 27, 2020 Posted July 27, 2020 4 minutes ago, skater503 said: she admits she went to a bar/club while I was out of town, supposedly to meet a work friend, work friend never showed, she started talking to a guy, but says he's not my type, and I just needed someone to talk to, they ended up going to dinner that night (when they met), meeting for food at other times, and even meeting after hours at her work to just "talk". She's having an affair. End it. 2
BaileyB Posted July 27, 2020 Posted July 27, 2020 (edited) Quote She went to a bar/club while I was out of town, supposedly to meet a work friend, work friend never showed, she started talking to a guy, but says he's not my type, and I just needed someone to talk to... I’m assuming that all her girlfriends were either out with their boyfriends or busy washing her hair... That’s why she chose to talk with a stranger she met at the bar... and all the other times that they met. Edited July 27, 2020 by BaileyB 1
Ruby Slippers Posted July 27, 2020 Posted July 27, 2020 19 minutes ago, skater503 said: she started talking to a guy, but says he's not my type, and I just needed someone to talk to, they ended up going to dinner that night (when they met), meeting for food at other times, and even meeting after hours at her work to just "talk". Even if I am to believe nothing ever happened, to me the fact she hid someone from me, snuck out to spend time with them, and even lied about what was up until I directly confronted her with text message proof, this is for sure cheating and should not be tolerated. Thoughts? Not her type? Yeah, nobody's your type when you're in a committed relationship. Assuming you're committed and loyal. I'd never be cool with my man sneaking around and lying about meeting up with some other woman. People who aren't doing anything wrong don't need to sneak around and lie. 1
kendahke Posted July 27, 2020 Posted July 27, 2020 (edited) the lying would be the problem for me. If it was all innocent, why not just say so,? 40 minutes ago, skater503 said: Confronted her about it, after much screaming Is this a recurring issue in your relationship? Edited July 27, 2020 by kendahke 1
BaileyB Posted July 27, 2020 Posted July 27, 2020 Agree. But generally, people who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. 1
Author skater503 Posted July 27, 2020 Author Posted July 27, 2020 11 minutes ago, kendahke said: Is this a recurring issue in your relationship? Unfortunately yes, years ago was a issue with cheating, should have left then, but I never do. 1 2
BaileyB Posted July 27, 2020 Posted July 27, 2020 This seems like your opportunity to make things right. I’m sorry.
kendahke Posted July 27, 2020 Posted July 27, 2020 7 minutes ago, skater503 said: Unfortunately yes, years ago was a issue with cheating, should have left then, but I never do. Why don't you ever leave? You do know there are girls out there who don't reach for cheating when you're out of eye shot... 1
Author skater503 Posted July 27, 2020 Author Posted July 27, 2020 1 minute ago, kendahke said: Why don't you ever leave? You do know there are girls out there who don't reach for cheating when you're out of eye shot... I don't know, I guess I just feel what I end up with will be worse than what I have now, or just end up alone, but now I just feel miserable every day and can't trust anything.
Ruby Slippers Posted July 27, 2020 Posted July 27, 2020 18 minutes ago, skater503 said: I don't know, I guess I just feel what I end up with will be worse than what I have now, or just end up alone, but now I just feel miserable every day and can't trust anything. It's better to be alone and king of your own castle than to stay with a lying cheater. Billions of people on the planet. I'm sure you can find a decent girlfriend. 1
BaileyB Posted July 27, 2020 Posted July 27, 2020 (edited) 20 minutes ago, skater503 said: I guess I just feel what I end up with will be worse than what I have now, or just end up alone, but now I just feel miserable every day and can't trust anything. Well, this I know for sure - you will never know if you don’t take the chance. Imagine, you have two kids and a mortgage and she is sending nude selfies to men online. Or sneaking out in the night to meet men. This can get worse... Lots of women out there who won’t cheat on you. And personally, I would rather be single than live with a serial cheat. She’s proven herself to be untrustworthy, you have to sleep with one eye open... Edited July 27, 2020 by BaileyB 1
Maldives Posted July 27, 2020 Posted July 27, 2020 Ye she's cheating only she knows to what extent be it just emotional even it's not on
kendahke Posted July 28, 2020 Posted July 28, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, skater503 said: I don't know, I guess I just feel what I end up with will be worse than what I have now, or just end up alone, but now I just feel miserable every day and can't trust anything. Including yourself? Here's a life lesson: that which you think will manifest. If you believe that the best you can do is a cheater, then you will settle with a despicable cheater and all of your youth will be squandered behind her. If, on the other hand, you believe that you deserve waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay better and far more happiness, you will attract her---but you won't be able to act on it because you'll have the albatross of a cheating girlfriend around your neck and the new girl is going to walk away because she doesn't want to deal with the drama of your girlfriend. Yes, you may be by yourself for a bit until she does show up, but seriously---being unencumbered and not at the mercy of a cheater day in and day out is FAR better than doing nothing and waking up at 45 and all of your youth is gone and you're still with a cheater, but you've got 5 kids by her and you resent every breath you have to take in order to endure it all. Do yourself the biggest favor now--break up, go through the wilderness of not knowing when your next girlfriend will show up and TRUST THE PROCESS. Stop thinking that you don't deserve better. You do. Here's another life lesson: she ain't checking for your feelings. She's going to keep doing what she's doing, no matter how you feel about it because that's how she was wired when she slid out of her mother's womb. That's a basic, fundamental truth about her that nothing about you can change. Ever. So stop... get your head off her block before she chops it off. Edited July 28, 2020 by kendahke
Blind-Sided Posted July 28, 2020 Posted July 28, 2020 When someone hides things from a partner... it's because they know what they are doing is wrong. PERIOD !! When I was still married, I had several female friends. If I was meeting with one... I would ALWAYS tell the wife, and the majority of the time, the wife would be invited. There was NEVER an issue with thoughts of cheating. Even when the (ex) wife went nutz... I was blamed for all kinds of crap... but being unfaithful NEVER came up. So.... Open, honest communication = trust in a partner Hiding, lying = cheating, and doing things that person knows is wrong. Time to move on. Srry. 2
ExpatInItaly Posted July 28, 2020 Posted July 28, 2020 Her cover story is complete BS. She's quite obviously lying to you. She's cheated before. You need to figure out why you stick around for a woman who isn't invested in you or in protecting the integrity of your relationship. 1
d0nnivain Posted July 28, 2020 Posted July 28, 2020 She did go on a date behind your back, then lied about it. Since there was previous cheating this was her 2nd chance & she blew it. You didn't leave last time & the pattern has now repeated. If you stay this time, you get will have a lifetime of this. Your choice. 3
Blind-Sided Posted July 28, 2020 Posted July 28, 2020 15 hours ago, skater503 said: Unfortunately yes, years ago was a issue with cheating, should have left then, but I never do. I just noticed that comment from you. I'm guessing this is just who she is, and there have been more times like this over the years that you didn't pick up on. Time to separate if you want a partner you can trust. Sorry.
smackie9 Posted July 28, 2020 Posted July 28, 2020 What's wrong with being alone? Don't you have any friends?
introverted1 Posted July 28, 2020 Posted July 28, 2020 Being alone can be lonely but nothing - NOTHING - is as lonely as being with a partner you don't trust and who doesn't truly love you. 2 1
Cali4Dude Posted July 28, 2020 Posted July 28, 2020 17 hours ago, skater503 said: I went out of town for 4 days to go to a family function, while I was gone, my partner did not say she went out or did anything out of the ordinary, not too concerning as I do not need a constant update on location, came home, but something seemed up and she had a weird work routine, and ran some errands herself which I normally would always do, which seems weird. I did some digging, found texts between her and someone else, implying they were meeting up for food, and to hang out on these outings. This alone should be enough evidence that she is stepping out on you. I was burned in the same way when I found out that my then GF was using a messaging app to text back and forth with a guy, deleting and then re-installing the app while I wasn't around so her phone wouldn't show the incoming messages. Eventually she forgot to uninstall it and I saw a message thread that led me to discover she was f***ing her very young (and very hung) TaeKwonDo student. Sucks to be cheated on but better to know the truth. I recommend therapy to get over it but you may have a long way to go.
mark clemson Posted July 28, 2020 Posted July 28, 2020 (edited) There's a LOT of smoke here for there to be no fire. It may have been just an EA, but if it bothers you as that and/or goes past your expected boundaries (which it seems like it does) then yes. 20 hours ago, skater503 said: ...she started talking to a guy, but says he's not my type, and I just needed someone to talk to, they ended up going to dinner that night (when they met), meeting for food at other times, and even meeting after hours at her work to just "talk". Even if I am to believe nothing ever happened, to me the fact she hid someone from me, snuck out to spend time with them, and even lied about what was up until I directly confronted her with text message proof VERY possible it was leading up to a PA IMO (assuming that it didn't already happen). If he's just some rando to chat with, then why the follow up meetings?? Doesn't add up. 20 hours ago, skater503 said: Confronted her about it, after much screaming she admits... Screaming eh? It's not like I've never had a (verbal) fight with my wife, but - is this what you want your relationship to be LT? Always watching your back, having to resort to screaming to get the truth out of her? Did she even ever own up to this and apologize? I would question whether this is worth tolerating and/or fighting for in any way. You're not married - nothings really stopping you from disengaging and walking away. Edited July 28, 2020 by mark clemson
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