Conflicted2020 Posted July 27, 2020 Posted July 27, 2020 (edited) Im terrible with words, but I would like some help/advice on how to tell this MM that I can't keep being "friends". I want to so bad, because I want to keep thinking there may be something in the future, but I am having a terrible time with compartmentalizing the way he can. Problem is, he hasn't done anything to me to make me mad, he has said he wanted to try harder to be a better friend to me, and he seems as if he's respected the fact that he does want to keep a friendship, but since we cant be together, we kind of ended the sexting, etc.. we know each other very very well, I know basically everything about him, I dont want to throw it away, but I cant put him back in the friendzone. I can try, but I keep going back to having feelings and Im not sure what to say or do.Its going to be a viscous cycle. Or should I fall back, stop initiating calls, and just be nice and friendly when he does call, and assuming he didnt care anymore, hed just stop calling me? Edited July 27, 2020 by Conflicted2020
BaileyB Posted July 27, 2020 Posted July 27, 2020 (edited) You are not going to be able to be friends with your affair partner, given the history you share and the fact that you still have feelings for this man/want more. I say, you just tell him that you have decided that you need to take some distance because unfortunately, he is not able to give you what you want. You don’t need a reason to end the relationship (ie. he doesn’t have to do anything to make you angry). The simple fact that this relationship is holding you back from finding peace and happiness is reason enough to walk away... The question is, are you really ready to walk away? Because, I don’t get the sense that you are actually committed to the idea. You still seem to be wishing and hoping that it would be different... Edited July 27, 2020 by BaileyB 1 1
Author Conflicted2020 Posted July 27, 2020 Author Posted July 27, 2020 1 minute ago, BaileyB said: You are not going to be able to be friends with your affair partner, given the history you share and the fact that you still have feelings for this man/want more. I say, you just tell him that you have decided that you need to take some distance because unfortunately, he is not able to give you what you want. You don’t need a reason to end the relationship (ie. he doesn’t have to do anything to make you angry). The simple fact that this relationship is holding you back from finding peace and happiness is reason enough to walk away... The question is, are you really ready to walk away? Because, I don’t get the sense that you are actually committed to the idea. You still seem to be wishing and hoping that it would be different... Youre right, I am absolutely not sure if thats what I want, but I WANT to want it, if that makes sense, I just cant get myself there! Its so humiliating, degrading and saddening that I keep doing it, and for what? He gives me a phone call once in a while to say, see I initiated? I know he cares for me as a friend, and I do for him, I just cant figure out how to not expect more from him as if I was his gf.
Author Conflicted2020 Posted July 27, 2020 Author Posted July 27, 2020 Sometimes, I feel like if I just had the power to be a happy person when he calls me, and I dont call him, and if I could find somehow to have that, I dont need you attitude to him, that I would feel empowered and be able to do it, but I cant figure out what to say to make that happen lol it's like I need a miracle magic sentence to feel empowered.
Crazelnut Posted July 27, 2020 Posted July 27, 2020 Until you want to be done with him, words don't matter.
BaileyB Posted July 27, 2020 Posted July 27, 2020 (edited) Respectfully OP, you need a counsellor not an affair partner right now. It would be the single best decision you could make for yourself, to find yourself a counsellor.OP, have you ever heard the term “locus of control?” Locus of control is the degree to which people believe that they, as opposed to external forces, have control over the outcome of events in their lives. It is so clear to me that you have an external locus of control - “If only, I could find happiness with this man, when he calls or if he would treat me like a girlfriend, or with another man... If only, I could find those magical miracle words to end this...” Things happen to you, and you look outside yourself for things to bring you happiness and guide your life... The thing is, YOU make your own decisions. YOU find your own happiness. If you are not happy in your marriage, that unhappiness if within YOU. It can not be solved by turning outside your marriage to find another man. If you wanted to end this relationship, YOU would make it happen. It’s like Dorothy said in the Wizard of Oz, “you had the power all along, you just didn’t know it...” Edited July 27, 2020 by BaileyB
BaileyB Posted July 27, 2020 Posted July 27, 2020 15 minutes ago, Crazelnut said: Until you want to be done with him, words don't matter. And when you are actually done with him, you won’t have any difficulty finding the words... 1
Wiseman2 Posted July 27, 2020 Posted July 27, 2020 1 hour ago, Conflicted2020 said: should I fall back, stop initiating calls, and just be nice and friendly when he does call, and assuming he didnt care anymore, hed just stop calling me? If you want out to pursue single available men, you'll have to end it.
BaileyB Posted July 27, 2020 Posted July 27, 2020 (edited) 3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: If you want out to pursue single available men, you'll have to end it. The woman is married! She says happily, to an amazing man. You would never know it though, the way she pines after her affair partner and wants him to treat her like a girlfriend... Edited July 27, 2020 by BaileyB 3 1
SS2855 Posted July 27, 2020 Posted July 27, 2020 2 hours ago, Conflicted2020 said: Sometimes, I feel like if I just had the power to be a happy person when he calls me, and I dont call him, and if I could find somehow to have that, I dont need you attitude to him, that I would feel empowered THIS is that piece of you that I truly feel like wishes that you could somehow outsmart your emotions and simply find the 1% of this relationship to feel like enough. Trust me I’ve been there and sadly still there. I have the roller coaster of emotions where a single message, call or term of endearment will give me enough fuel to create a narrative in my head that says “ok this isn’t so bad- I can handle it” . Until enough time passes after the moment and I realize I need more. It’s quite a cycle. I’ve thought of every way in which I could keep going with the “crumb” and have it be enough so I didn’t feel so terrible all the time and still keep the minuscule relationship I had because I am so attached. Every day though I realize I can’t. I HIGHLY suggest therapy as you will realize most if not all of your obsession with this relationship is not because love or who the man is, but some unmet need of yours. Again I’m not there yet myself but the therapy is helping me dig deeper and not assign so much value to the AP. 3
Luna66star Posted July 27, 2020 Posted July 27, 2020 You cannot be just friends with a MM whose stringing you along. You obviously have feelings that go way beyond friendship here. He is likely very comfortable with where things are at. Having his cake & eating it too. You must immediately distance yourself from this man. It is eating you alive and consuming your life. There is no other way to stop this suffering.
Wiseman2 Posted July 27, 2020 Posted July 27, 2020 1 hour ago, BaileyB said: The woman is married! She says happily, to an amazing man. In that case.. Just hop on the bus Gus and make a new plan Stan.
stillafool Posted July 27, 2020 Posted July 27, 2020 1 hour ago, BaileyB said: The woman is married! She says happily, to an amazing man. You would never know it though, the way she pines after her affair partner and wants him to treat her like a girlfriend... Hopefully the husband will find out soon and free himself to a better life and wife. 3
BaileyB Posted July 27, 2020 Posted July 27, 2020 (edited) 46 minutes ago, stillafool said: Hopefully the husband will find out soon and free himself to a better life and wife. Very true. He seems to be little more than an afterthought in her current problem solving... if that. Edited July 27, 2020 by BaileyB 1
Amethyst68 Posted July 27, 2020 Posted July 27, 2020 You need to look at your definition of a friend. A friend wouldn't help you betray someone who is supposedly amazing. One thing to note, the OP has made one throwaway comment about her marriage and husband, she has never mentioned loving her BH at all. Just that he is amazing, which is quite an abstract comment really. If you really love your husband you wouldn't be thinking on how you could keep the person you betrayed him with in your life - you'd be doing the opposite. Planning ways to get him out of your life so he can't impact it any further and then telling your husband so he gets a chance to decide his own future. 1
Bittersweetie Posted July 29, 2020 Posted July 29, 2020 A short story for you. Despite having many good things in my life, I was very unhappy. I thought if I moved I'd be happy. So my H and I moved across the country. I was still unhappy. I thought if I moved back to where I'd been before, then I'd be happy. So I moved back across the country. And I was still unhappy. I thought it was my husband's job to make me happy, and he wasn't, I was still very unhappy. So I thought, maybe if I filled in the gaps with another man, that would make me happy! And guess what? Other than fleeting moments, I was still freaking unhappy. After my affair, when I was doing the hard work of growing and changing, I realized that while other people and outside things can enhance my happiness, the only person responsible for my happiness is ME. So I worked on reframing my life and focusing on the positives and changing the things I could change. My life is far from perfect but I am much happier living an honest authentic life now than I ever was having and affair and making all those self-centered changes. This MM is not your key to your happiness, YOU ARE. You have the power over your happiness, you have the power over your choices. You just have to decide what kind of person you want to be. P.S. I know you will not want to hear this (because I didn't when I was in your shoes at this stage) but you are doing your husband a huge disservice right now. Even if he knows nothing, you are actively choosing to disrespect him, your marriage, and your family. Can you acknowledge that? 3
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