Almost 29 and still single. I feel very left out and disheartened that I've only focussed on academia so far and I have missed out on all relationships

[SincereOnlineGuy]

3 hours ago, WanderingComet said:

 

My other issue here is that in South Korea, people do not talk to strangers as is the norm in America.

Well that's just IT...   you need to become "part of the woodwork"  such that you are not so 'strange'   in the periphery of the regulars.

 

But you have to lay the groundwork with day one... and day two... and day three... and day seventeen... and pretty soon YOU ARE  'the norm'  in whatever spot you select.

 

And it is best achieved if NOT leaping to 'judge' / 'assess'   every two-word sentence uttered by anyone nearby at the time (as if sizing each person up as a prospect, whenever somebody drops eating utensils nearby).

 

Just become the environment  (and make time for it)

 

 

[Ellener]

4 hours ago, WanderingComet said:

I wonder if there anything in my mannerisms that I might want to improve or change?

Suggesstions?

It depends what you want. I was fun,and I've had a lot of lovers. That doesn't make life perfect though. It would have been better to go through Covid with someone practical ( the first five days of Covid were diarrhea! )

[Wiseman2]

You may be fluent in the language but the cultural dating situation may be more of an issue than you think. You may be open to dating locally but they may not be open to dating outside of their culture.

You need to stop thinking they are intimidated by your resume when it seems your dating pool is limited by culture.

[ZA Dater]

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

You may be fluent in the language but the cultural dating situation may be more of an issue than you think. You may be open to dating locally but they may not be open to dating outside of their culture.

You need to stop thinking they are intimidated by your resume when it seems your dating pool is limited by culture.

I tend to agree with this. OP if it makes you feel any better a lot of people sacrificed dating for studies, me being one of them and yes it can be difficult to adapt back to picking something up when everyone else seems to have a huge head start but you CAN do it. You need to be sure of who you are and confident in yourself as a person but perhaps the best advice I can give you is to not let dating rule your life.

[WanderingComet]

7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

You may be fluent in the language but the cultural dating situation may be more of an issue than you think. You may be open to dating locally but they may not be open to dating outside of their culture.

You need to stop thinking they are intimidated by your resume when it seems your dating pool is limited by culture.

That is entirely possible and I have considered it. Of course, I am also not limiting my dating search to just locals but also to foreigners who are currently living here 
 

However, I had this issue before moving to SK as well. 

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

14 hours ago, WanderingComet said:

This is an interesting point. I think to some extent I am quite rational when it comes to many things, but a feeler too. 
BUT I famously cannot recognize flirting, nor am I any good at it. (now give me a script and tell me to act flirtatiously on stage and I can do that very well in a heartbeat. but somehow real life flirting evades me)

I guess I have been single forever, and try to not come across as needy, so perhaps I do not show much vulnerability and instead appear to be self-contained?

I've asked my male friends (both in and out of academia)  about how I come across, as well, and they did say that overall I come across as likeable and friendly. 
But I wonder if there anything in my mannerisms that I might want to improve or change?

Suggesstions?

The thing is, none of us can really provide you with any type of accurate advice, other than to experience sex, because of the nature of the laws in your country... Where the majority of us live, the age of consent is 16, where you live OP, the age of consent is 19, if I am correct? I see that your ages are actually a year older than everyone else on the planet, could you explain this to me? I am so confused by this.

Many of the men that are around you, may not experience sex nearly as much as you believe; as men, one of the things that we recognize, is that women like men who can get women... Of course, as a human being, you want something of value in every aspect of your life, especially your love life.

My fear, for you OP, is that you have sex once and stick with the guy you have it with forever... You should get out and experience sex, do it safely, with a friend, but get out there and experience it, make sure you are doing it with somebody you know, just call it practice, its going to be awkward and it might even hurt the first time or two, but sex is something that you learn to enjoy over time.... Statistically, people who engage in sex earlier in their lives tend to enjoy it more, but just because you are older, does not mean you will not enjoy it.

Sex and attraction, also provides you with influence over men. You can learn to manipulate the men around you just through the potential of sex, its an amazing tool that every woman should have at her disposal... This isn't just about sex, this is about you furthering yourself in every way you can as an academic... Find the nerd, give him what he wants, learn from him, pick up his studying habits, deconstruct his routine, learn how to be better and sex is a great way to get your foot in the door.

Much love, but please do explain the age thing, I am so lost on that, why are Koreans considered a year older?

[d0nnivain]

I too work in a small industry.  I have to occasionally collaborate with 2 of my EXs.  It was awkward the 1st time but we were professional & got through it.   

The secret to dating & breaking up but keeping your integrity is to never badmouth the other person (except maybe to your BFFs but nobody connected to you professionally).  When asked about my EXs I give the same response:  He's a good a good.  He's very good at his work.  On a personal level we didn't see eye to eye on some issues that are critical to maintain a marriage / romance but I would absolutely recommend him to anyone professionally.   

Pretty much some version of that is the standard response if you ask people in  our profession what happened when they broke up.  The biggest slight / dig / insult you might hear is a referral to a competitor over the EX but if the comments are more personal or "juicy" then that, it's the speaker whose reputation suffers because sympathy aligns with  the person who is being maligned.  

[deepthinking]

Astrophysics.

Not for always, but anybody is going to be fascinated  and ask you things.  An occupational hazard but also an unforgettable conversation.  Better than telling them you never has a relationship, which I suspect comes across as a dire confession.  You were merely overseas, busy studying.   

Edited July 28, 2020 by deepthinking

[mark clemson]

14 hours ago, WanderingComet said:

BUT I famously cannot recognize flirting, nor am I any good at it. (now give me a script and tell me to act flirtatiously on stage and I can do that very well in a heartbeat. but somehow real life flirting evades me)

Suggesstions?

Write yourself a script in advance of the date?

Wear spaghetti strap top. Twirl hair repeatedly. Maintain eye contact. Appear smitten but be coy. Wiggle shoulders at least twice. Etc etc.

[Bluesky00]

You’re only 29 for god sakes. It’s not like your 50. 

[LuckyM]

A lot of good advice for you so far. You sound like a great catch to me. Astronomy is fascinating. Congratulations on the degree. It sounds rigorous and deep  I have a PhD in a humanities and I never tell prospective women that. It's a big turnoff for you and me especially because it is theory useless in practical life and even educated guys understand nothing about it including me?!  Unless you find a kindred spirit just hope that your bf or husband tolerates and respects your work. Plenty of couples don't understand the others job. I was in your dating situation but not abroad in grad school and beyond I didn't care about my gf education yet there's a reverse snobbism when the uneducated people avoid making friends with someone they see as above them in another class. Both genders. It's not personal.  Some folks pretend to respect or appreciate intellectuals and PhDs when they really don't Unless the intellectual has much money and a great job.  No one can tell you where to hang out without knowing where you live. You need to spend more time looking. You are still young.  And don't admit your lack of BFS to anyone! Bad idea and people get the wrong idea about you. Lie if you must. Pure honesty I discovered the hard way may leave you very alone with only a pet for company. Btw acting is a good way to meet someone

[alphamale]

most astronomy geeks are nerdy men.  good for you.  we need more female astronomers

[QuietRiot]

I could never figure out why someone would focus so much on college where they could NOT take on an opportunity to date. In fact, I feel like you'd be missing out since college is pretty much THE time of your life to take advantage of dating as the options are plentiful. (Find a cute study buddy, lab buddy, whatever), I mean...come on! lol

[d0nnivain]

5 hours ago, QuietRiot said:

I could never figure out why someone would focus so much on college where they could NOT take on an opportunity to date. In fact, I feel like you'd be missing out since college is pretty much THE time of your life to take advantage of dating as the options are plentiful. (Find a cute study buddy, lab buddy, whatever), I mean...come on! lol

Since she already has her PhD, telling her she squandered her college years is not productive of helpful.  You are not wrong that college is one big dating opportunity but the OP had her sights set elsewhere.  She got an amazing educational foundation that enabled her to achieve a great deal professionally.  That is hardly a waste. 

You can always fall in love. It's harder to establish a professional foundation later in life.  

WanderingComet -- just apply some of the perseverance & intellect that got you your degrees & in time you will find a suitable mate.  Effort is part of it, because to some extent, dating is a numbers game.  

[Bluesky00]

it’s a lot easier to meet someone, date while in college. Rather than having people constantly tell some 20 year old that they have “plenty” of time to date. The answer is no, by the time you hit 30, options are limited and their Saturday nights will consist of bar hopping, tinder and always being the bridesmaid never the bride. You can technically still be able to meet someone at 29 but more work to it.

[d0nnivain]

Bluesky00 

I met my husband when I was 39.  Yes, it took more effort then college where you just trip over people but life does not end at 29 even if you are single.  

[QuietRiot]

58 minutes ago, Bluesky00 said:

it’s a lot easier to meet someone, date while in college. Rather than having people constantly tell some 20 year old that they have “plenty” of time to date. The answer is no, by the time you hit 30, options are limited and their Saturday nights will consist of bar hopping, tinder and always being the bridesmaid never the bride. You can technically still be able to meet someone at 29 but more work to it.

Yeah, as soon as you leave college, you're dating opportunities take a dive and you wind up trying to chat up women in a  local coffee shop, gym or grocery store only to be met with a boyfriend around the corner, or dirty looks. lol I remember when I was in college, people were getting engaged and scheduling their marriages around the same time as their graduation. I recall seeing brand new wedding rings on fully employed gym employees as they were work-study students who got their foot in the door of the athletic program. (Sorry, too specific, but just an anecdote, lol)  They timed everything in sync via their career and their new married lives.

I remember, even outside of scheduled classes, you could approach women in the common areas or computer lab and strike up a conversation with them, usually asking them what they are studying. It worked better if you saw a familiar text book from a previous semester of a class you used to attend (or currently attending) and use it as an icebreaker.

Edited August 7, 2020 by QuietRiot

[nospam99]

Counter to the date in college stereotype, I went to college to get educated and credentialed. It worked. I went to no parties, no bars, and only had a couple of dates with one 19 y/o (she was a sweetheart who I still remember fondly). What I 'got' was 6 years worth of degrees (up to MBA) that only took me 4 years and a decent JOB in '76 when jobs were a bit hard to come by. Granted I had some 'catching up' to do with respect to relationships.

[Elmbeard]

A lot of men might find high intelligence intimidating. There is nothing worse for a man than to feel inadequate, especially if he has been put down by a woman in the past, or worse still divorced by one. They would feel out of your league, which puts you at a disadvantage, unless you move in the same circles as professors, who can take you on at our level.

I personally find high intelligence incredibly sexy, and have been attracted to doctors.  I find it inspiring to have to notch up my thoughts to a higher level and relish the exchange of ideas. This is the sort of person therefore you should be aiming towards.  One problem with nerds is that they tend often to be shy and socially isolated, for the same reason you are struggling to find a mate, so you have to hunt them out and encourage them.

[MrPlop]

I feel like I could've written this post. I guess it's always a trade off, people always say to each their own time. Relationships first and then academics or vice versa. Now what would you consider boyfriend material? To be extremely blunt and honest, maybe are you too picky? And I'm not saying date anyone but maybe you're focusing on the wrong things when looking for a partner.

[GuitarGuy7]

I have several theories on why you keep getting rejected by men. 


1. Your standards are too high compared to what you're able to offer; basically you're punching above your weight class. If you're only swiping yes on top tier men, well these top tier men have plenty of options and they don't want to commit, especially if you're more of an average looking gal without that much to offer in terms of looks or financial status.  Don't demand a 6 ft 2, good looking, ripped man with a six-figure income, when you're not even that special yourself. 


2. You're really ugly or really fat. Women rarely get rejected unless they're either very ugly or very fat.  Obviously that sounds harsh but it's true.  As a woman, your looks are going to be your primary asset in your ability to attract a man because at the end of the day, we want someone we're physically attracted to and this is especially true for men seeking out women. Yes there are men who are "chubby chasers", they do exist.  My former roommate sleeps with a bunch of fat chicks and he doesn't seem to care.  BUT, these guys arne't your top tier, 6 ft 2, good looking "chads".  Most of them are average looking or below average looking men.  So if being really fat describes you, then you can either choose to lose some weight and have a lot more options, OR hold out for a chubby chaser who's willing to date you but this probably won't be a guy who is super physically attractive, and you may have to wait a while to find him.  The choice is yours.

 

[SincereOnlineGuy]

19 hours ago, GuitarGuy7 said:

I have several theories on why you keep getting rejected by men. 

1. you're not even that special yourself. 

2. You're really ugly or really fat.

The choice is yours.

 

 

Uh, OK,   Just HOW  is that a 'choice'  ??

 

 

Edited August 25, 2020 by SincereOnlineGuy

[Trail Blazer]

On 8/25/2020 at 12:49 PM, GuitarGuy7 said:

I have several theories on why you keep getting rejected by men. 


1. Your standards are too high compared to what you're able to offer; basically you're punching above your weight class. If you're only swiping yes on top tier men, well these top tier men have plenty of options and they don't want to commit, especially if you're more of an average looking gal without that much to offer in terms of looks or financial status.  Don't demand a 6 ft 2, good looking, ripped man with a six-figure income, when you're not even that special yourself. 


2. You're really ugly or really fat. Women rarely get rejected unless they're either very ugly or very fat.  Obviously that sounds harsh but it's true.  As a woman, your looks are going to be your primary asset in your ability to attract a man because at the end of the day, we want someone we're physically attracted to and this is especially true for men seeking out women. Yes there are men who are "chubby chasers", they do exist.  My former roommate sleeps with a bunch of fat chicks and he doesn't seem to care.  BUT, these guys arne't your top tier, 6 ft 2, good looking "chads".  Most of them are average looking or below average looking men.  So if being really fat describes you, then you can either choose to lose some weight and have a lot more options, OR hold out for a chubby chaser who's willing to date you but this probably won't be a guy who is super physically attractive, and you may have to wait a while to find him.  The choice is yours.

 

Massive assumptions right here.  I think WanderingComet is smart enough to know that if she was hugely overweight, she would struggle to attract men.

OP may well be trying to punch above her weight; most women try.  However, unless she's deluded (very unlikely as she seems like a very self-aware individual, she's probably not expecting that every Chad she swipes on will want to settle down with her and live happily ever after.

I think that OP's struggles are a little more complicated than your very presumptuous and simplistic view.  Being as smart as her can absolutely make a lot of guys feel threatened/inferior.  Her strengths become her weaknesses in the context of dating.

[CaliforniaGirl]

On 7/27/2020 at 12:15 PM, stillafool said:

It isn't that easy to get a geek anymore as a lot of young women are really into these guys nowadays.

JMO: The geeky guys I know (real geeks, not "I game so I'm a geek") don't really want someone they have to keep up with, once they're past, say, their early 20s and easily dazzled, LOL. They all find that sort of stuff tiring eventually and just want someone a little more like them.

Real, actual super-smart people with this type of social attitude as the OP describes are actually still somewhat rare. As I said, everybody WANTS to be a geek or nerd nowadays because supposedly it's cool. But for a lot of people it's lip service. The OP is obviously in a minority - she's REALLY smart (and really accomplished) + (sorry OP) sounds like she has that sort of wooden personality type. Not so emotional and probably not a total party girl. It will take a while to find a match but he's out there...having the same lack of success so far and waiting for the OP to come along.

[WanderingComet]

On 7/29/2020 at 12:18 AM, CAPSLOCK BANDIT said:

My fear, for you OP, is that you have sex once and stick with the guy you have it with forever... You should get out and experience sex, do it safely, with a friend, but get out there and experience it, make sure you are doing it with somebody you know, just call it practice, its going to be awkward and it might even hurt the first time or two, but sex is something that you learn to enjoy over time.... Statistically, people who engage in sex earlier in their lives tend to enjoy it more, but just because you are older, does not mean you will not enjoy it.

I sometimes fear that too. If I had one of my best friends here with me, I'd totally consider floating the idea. But alas, he is still back in America. It's almost certainly going to take me a lot more than the popular 3-date route to have sex with someone since it would be my first.

 

On 9/9/2020 at 6:10 PM, Trail Blazer said:

Massive assumptions right here.  I think WanderingComet is smart enough to know that if she was hugely overweight, she would struggle to attract men.

OP may well be trying to punch above her weight; most women try.  However, unless she's deluded (very unlikely as she seems like a very self-aware individual, she's probably not expecting that every Chad she swipes on will want to settle down with her and live happily ever after.

I think that OP's struggles are a little more complicated than your very presumptuous and simplistic view.  Being as smart as her can absolutely make a lot of guys feel threatened/inferior.  Her strengths become her weaknesses in the context of dating.

Thank you!!

I don't just swipe on the 'chads' and I believe personality matters to me along with physical attraction. I need to have a good connection with someone to try to have a relationship. 

Update: 
Went on a couple dates recently.
Story of date with guy #1 is on the dating forum. Basically good date technically, but no attraction. He wanted to meet again 2 days later for a day trip which I declined because I didn't want to be in an awkward situation, Alone!,  with someone I wasn't attracted to. Most of the convo felt very formal, to me. And I literally kept leaning/stepping away while at the river front. 
I am an extrovert and can have pleasant and even fun conversations with people I am not really interested in, specially about topics I am passionate about and I think that is what happened. In my head I kept thinking, ok when can I leave. He wanted to drop me off (aka ride the subway and then the bus to my place and then head back home via subway) and I declined. Total date time: 5hours. coffee+dinner+mini walk along the river.


Date with guy #2 went well, yesterday . Definitely more attraction. We're still talking but haven't made plans yet for a second date. 
Definitely connected with him a lot more. Even though most of what we talked about was tv, movies and books, felt more comfortable with him. Talked about a bunch of other things too.
Really connected in the bookstore and we both bought books. Loved to see him appreciate books as well. And have been talking about books since last night over chat too. 
Total date time: almost 7 hours! Coffee+dinner+bookstore (haha we were in the bookstore literally until it closed at 10pm)

Now I guess I should wait to see if Guy #2 asks to meet again? Advice on how to proceed? and what signs to look out for to see if he is interested in pursuing this further?