Fensun90 Posted July 26, 2020 Posted July 26, 2020 Hello. I'l try keeping it short. I feel like I may have bitten over more than I can chew. I have been together with a girl for the last 6 months. Im 29, she is 27. She have 2 kids (2 and 3) from another relationship and she have the kids almost all the time. We held of me meeting the kids for a while, but lately we have been a lot together and I start feeling the weight of it. I find it very hard to navigate the waters since Im not the father, so it is hard for me to know how to act. I feel more like a bystander and also I feel like me and her are slipping as boyfriend and girlfriend.. She is starting to become more moody and we are less intimate. I knew before we got serious that it is a lot of work because of her kids, but I am feeling a lot of stress now because of it. We do not live together, however we spend a lot of time together. I actually own a pretty decent size house, but its a bit of a fixer and I have tremendous of work to do here along me working 10 hours a day, so I feel like I MUST be here to fix it, but then I feel real bad after leaving them, we I can see that she is tired. And lately she seem very tired, low energy, and Im a bit of the oposite, I try keep a positive note, but when she is so low energy I get dragged down as well. Like this morning she knows that I leave at 8 am every single day to go to the gym, but she seemed really pissed off, and did almost not even say goodbye. She almost dont seem excited to see me when I came over last night. We just ate and crashed on the sofa until both fell asleep. I feel so lost here. Just 2-3 weeks ago we were alot more connected, but now I just feel like I am losing my freedom and I feel like I can not get anything done here at the house. I actually have vacation from work but I am more tired than when I was working. I have no idea how to try help her or getting the spirits up or something because right now things are pretty sad really. I still feel like she loves me and all, but maybe she is starting to slip away? Do you guys have any thoughts or experience in how I can try turning this back to something positive? Maybe I sound a bit selfish in the post, but so be it, it is just how I feel right now..
Wiseman2 Posted July 26, 2020 Posted July 26, 2020 Sorry to hear that. A single mom isn't ideal for you. End it gracefully and kindly because you are already building up too much resentment.
Fox Sake Posted July 26, 2020 Posted July 26, 2020 33 minutes ago, Fensun90 said: Hello. I'l try keeping it short. I feel like I may have bitten over more than I can chew. I have been together with a girl for the last 6 months. Im 29, she is 27. She have 2 kids (2 and 3) from another relationship and she have the kids almost all the time. We held of me meeting the kids for a while, but lately we have been a lot together and I start feeling the weight of it. I find it very hard to navigate the waters since Im not the father, so it is hard for me to know how to act. I feel more like a bystander and also I feel like me and her are slipping as boyfriend and girlfriend.. She is starting to become more moody and we are less intimate. I knew before we got serious that it is a lot of work because of her kids, but I am feeling a lot of stress now because of it. We do not live together, however we spend a lot of time together. I actually own a pretty decent size house, but its a bit of a fixer and I have tremendous of work to do here along me working 10 hours a day, so I feel like I MUST be here to fix it, but then I feel real bad after leaving them, we I can see that she is tired. And lately she seem very tired, low energy, and Im a bit of the oposite, I try keep a positive note, but when she is so low energy I get dragged down as well. Like this morning she knows that I leave at 8 am every single day to go to the gym, but she seemed really pissed off, and did almost not even say goodbye. She almost dont seem excited to see me when I came over last night. We just ate and crashed on the sofa until both fell asleep. I feel so lost here. Just 2-3 weeks ago we were alot more connected, but now I just feel like I am losing my freedom and I feel like I can not get anything done here at the house. I actually have vacation from work but I am more tired than when I was working. I have no idea how to try help her or getting the spirits up or something because right now things are pretty sad really. I still feel like she loves me and all, but maybe she is starting to slip away? Do you guys have any thoughts or experience in how I can try turning this back to something positive? Maybe I sound a bit selfish in the post, but so be it, it is just how I feel right now.. I was mid reply to another thread but I need to give it some more thought. You don’t sound selfish at all. I totally understand where you’re at. personally, I have made a rule that I will never settle with someone who has kids. For the exact same reasons you’re feeling. Because they aren’t your kids, it’s very easy to feel like a bystander. The kids will always come before you as you’re the new one into her family. It becomes difficult and you can’t bring them up like your own (there’s always an exception tho in some relationships) If you want this, you guys need to communicate. I noticed you didn’t include anything of reason that she has told you, which makes me think you don’t communicate about your feelings with one another. Have you tried to tell her how you feel? Or find out why she feels or acts the way she does? I always ask people what’s wrong if I feel something is up. It sounds like she is bottling things up and that’s not a great place to be. I don’t really have any advice I can give you as I’ve never got myself in that situation. But I do know that communication is golden. If you don’t feel like you can speak to each other about anything without fear of having them jump down your throat and give you cold shoulder, then that’s not a great place to be. It’s impossible to say where she is at without asking her about how she is feeling. It’s actually a really simple question. If I was you I would have asked her while you guys were on the sofa. It may surprise you by the answer , it may not. It may be to do with you or or may be to do with her and where she is at mentally. Either way some communication with her will either lead to compromise or some answers that you’re seeking so you can make a better decision as to where this is heading. Sometimes playing mr positive all the time is the wrong route as it can come across like you don’t understand. I really hope you’re okay. 2
Mystery4u Posted July 26, 2020 Posted July 26, 2020 You made the first mistake in starting a relationship with a single mum. Not everyone can handle that, or feel any emotion towards children that are not theirs. I know I couldn't. You already know the way the relationship is going. Learn from this and don't make the same mistake with the next woman. 1
Realitysux Posted July 26, 2020 Posted July 26, 2020 (edited) If you love someone enough you might love their kids so I'm going to say you should keep looking Edited July 26, 2020 by Realitysux
dangerous Posted July 26, 2020 Posted July 26, 2020 hey OP, I'm cutting through the details, but here's my take... Honeymoon period over (6 months). Moods and she drags you down. Is this the life you want for yourself? Clearer now? Good luck man 2
Redhead14 Posted July 26, 2020 Posted July 26, 2020 It's been 6 months. You are now in the period when you see things the way they really are and now is the time to evaluate whether or not you can handle an "instant family". You're dating. It's a period of evaluation. You may love this woman, but that does not mean/guarantee that it's the right relationship for you, especially right now. You have a lot on your own plate. You don't have room for more. You should move on right now. There are children involved and it's not fair to let them get attached to a man who can't be what they need. Their mother isn't keeping them a priority if she is regularly bringing men around them before the relationship is well established and stable. 2
Blind-Sided Posted July 26, 2020 Posted July 26, 2020 I don't like to see anything end, but the comments above are right. 6 months, and "Real Life" is setting in. So, you are at a crossroads. 1) End it. I don't like this choice, and I get the feeling you don't either. But you are young, and have plans, and your own needs. (like working out, and fixing your house) Not to mention... maybe having a kid of your own later on... So the easy thing to do is to end it. OR..... 2) Make it work. This is the harder of the two... but it's completely doable. First thing is... talk to your GF and let he know that everyday you will be going to the gym at 8am. (as you normally do) and tell her that you can't be with her all the time because you need time for yourself, and to fix your house. The only wildcard in this is the kids. I'm a single dad with 2 kids, and have them the majority of the time... so I'd like to see you give her a chance. But it's now time to have a real talk about your position, and her kids. First question to ask yourself is... what level do you want to be? You say you feel like a bystander, but do you want to be more? I think there needs to be a clear line drawn. My current GF doesn't really like kids, and she doesn't want to have to deal with them. Ok, that sounds harsher than it actually is, but she isn't "Mom" and if my kids are acting up, she steps back, and Dad drops the hammer. I'm guessing somewhere in her head... you have become the new "Dad"... and when you walk away, and she has to be a single mom again (even you just going home, or to the gym) then reality hits that you aren't "Dad", and that's why she gets depressed. Good communication is the only way through this... assuming you want to be with her. Good luck in whatever you choose. 2
Author Fensun90 Posted July 26, 2020 Author Posted July 26, 2020 Hello everyone. Thank you for sharing all your thoughts and you guys make a lot of sense. I think Im gonna have to talk to her. The kids are going to her ex next week and then we have to discuss this because it is probably time. Im not sure if I want to end it quite yet, Id like to give it a try, maybe we could make it work. She actually came over about an hour ago to borrow something. She seemed a lot lighter and better mood. She said something along the lines that she is gonna pull herself together and finish a few of her projects at her place today after the kids sleep. It was just a quick visit, still it felt for the first time since we been together a bit akward. Maybe I am just very tired as well. I do like kids. I have great time with my sisters kids, but I do feel a bit akward around her kids. Maybe the concept scares me a bit. I dont know. I think me and her is gonna have a heart to heart this week.
ShyViolet Posted July 26, 2020 Posted July 26, 2020 You've only been dating her 6 months. That's not long. If there are signs that this relationship isn't going to work, you should end it as soon as possible, before she gets more invested in you and before those kids become attached to you. It wouldn't be fair to those kids to become a consistent figure in their lives, if you are going to have to eventually leave. Just get it over with now.
chillii Posted July 26, 2020 Posted July 26, 2020 Being around someones kids now and then or leaving when you fl like it and living your life as per usual is something a lot of people with no kids seem to think they know about having kids, but ahh , nope, not even remotely the same planet. My man , it hasn't even begun with her the kids yet and your well within your rights getting out of it if you want to. just don't get too close to the kids though because if you disappear they'll b hurt and confused .
smackie9 Posted July 26, 2020 Posted July 26, 2020 Sorry but this isn't going to get better with a talk. You two are too far apart on what to expect from this relationship. Dating is to see if a relationship is sustainable for the long haul. You have already noticed only 6 months in, things are not what you really expected. I agree with the others, this isn't going to work out, we can already see it. And just because you had a moment of connection, it's not worth it to keep chasing it, because that's what you are doing now...chasing it, to get it back. 2
Ruby Slippers Posted July 26, 2020 Posted July 26, 2020 (edited) It takes a certain kind of guy to become a stepdad to another man's very young kids at age 29. It's natural you don't want to give up your freedom for this - they're not your kids. I wouldn't sign up for that, either. She's sensing this and feeling resentful. She'd probably do better with another single dad where they're on the same page in terms of level of responsibility to the kids. And you'd do better with a woman with no kids and total freedom, like you. Edited July 26, 2020 by Ruby Slippers 2
dangerous Posted July 26, 2020 Posted July 26, 2020 And the moods are at least as big a problem. They could be cyclical: I had a relationship like that and it was hell for nearly 3 years. Moods, then make-up bliss, then moods, make-up bliss, mood.... repeat forever. have you already noticed a pattern? In the end although I knew the make-ups were great, i could not take the inevitable moods & depressions, so I ended it. What a weight was lifted!
Ami1uwant Posted July 26, 2020 Posted July 26, 2020 I actually comeftom experience dating single mom with kids... their age is very difficult raising two young one as primary parent. How are you with the kids? Have you talked to her about having more kids with you? do you agree with her parenting style?
Ruby Slippers Posted July 26, 2020 Posted July 26, 2020 49 minutes ago, dangerous said: And the moods are at least as big a problem. She probably wouldn't be so moody if she'd found a man willing to step up and commit to her and these kids. Both she and the OP are in their 20s, don't have the life experience to know that they should have considered the long-term ramifications before getting involved. A 20-something mom of two young kids is almost certainly looking for a man to help with raising the kids and becoming part of the family. The OP is feeling "tired" and "dragged down" because his heart isn't in this. And she can see that. Unless he's ready to go all in here, best he disengages now so they can both find what they want and need. 4
Erik30 Posted July 26, 2020 Posted July 26, 2020 (edited) 11 hours ago, Fensun90 said: Like this morning she knows that I leave at 8 am every single day to go to the gym, but she seemed really pissed off My guess is she's starting to resent that you're not helping out with the/her kids in the morning (& probably in general), and she might think you still have a "single guy mindset." Like she wants you to drive them to school, instead of going to the gym. You're not wrong because they're not your kids, but it seems like she wants a boyfriend who's willing to be to be a father figure Edited July 26, 2020 by Erik30 1
kendahke Posted July 26, 2020 Posted July 26, 2020 (edited) 11 hours ago, Fensun90 said: Do you guys have any thoughts or experience in how I can try turning this back to something positive? Take the time for yourself to get your house together. You're probably spending too much time with each other and you both needs some space right now. You need to recharge yourself else you can't be any good to her. 11 hours ago, Fensun90 said: She have 2 kids (2 and 3) from another relationship and she have the kids almost all the time. We held of me meeting the kids for a while, If she has held off bringing the children around you, where are they when you're spending this much time with each other? Where is (are) their father(s) and why aren't they with their father(s) more than they are? Edited July 26, 2020 by kendahke
Wiseman2 Posted July 26, 2020 Posted July 26, 2020 11 hours ago, Fensun90 said: I have been together with a girl for the last 6 months. I knew before we got serious that it is a lot of work because of her kids, but I am feeling a lot of stress now because of it. Just 2-3 weeks ago we were alot more connected, but now I just feel like I am losing my freedom and I feel like I can not get anything done here at the house. Dating 24 Weeks is a good time to determine compatibility and suitability. She may be a lovely woman, but her children are her and the father's responsibility. Many people do not even introduce kids this early on. Her moods are also her responsibility, if she's not ready to date and is looking for an insta-family to replace the kid's dad. You are not being selfish for being true to yourself. If this insta-family she wants is too much for you it's better to cut your losses. She would be better off dating single dads who are ready. willing and able to do the whole family thing. Resentment is a bad thing and you grieve your freedom and she grieves the family life that she wanted with her kids' dad. You are not responsible for her happiness, the plight of her kids etc. She is. 2
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