The importance of looks

[mortensorchid]

I have been accused of going only for the guys who are young and cute.  Has it gotten me into trouble?  Well... I'm not sure.  I have been working on this about myself.  Maybe there are others out there who feel the same?  Here's where I think it comes from...

When I was a kid, like all girls I suppose, I had the posters of teen idols on my walls.  When you think about it, don't all girls have that dreamy guy they hope to be with?  Maybe they were like Katie Holmes who had a poster of Tom Cruise on their walls and hoped to grow up and marry him (little did she know).  But... we kind of adjust and realize that we live in Anytown USA and not all the guys are Brad Pitt in the looks department.  Well, I kind of liked the pretty boy, like all girls do.  I let it propel me and I tended to have a type of pretty boys, liking them young and cute.  But another part of me says I have to look past that and say you shouldn't go for them.  I am 45 after all - I don't look or act like it (people think I am in my late 20s).  A recent guy I was with introduced me to some of his friends and they asked if I was a friend of his daughter's.  He said "no she's my new girlfriend", they said what is she, 18?  He said no she's 42.  He looked his age (50).

I also go for ugly monsters - think Lurch from The Addams Family or Ric Ocasek from The Cars.  Extremes.  Why?  I think that balances things out somehow.  When Rick was married to Paulina Poriskova he was the envy of every man for landing a 10.  I'd like for a man to think that about me.  But I digress...

How does one break this habit?  I wish I had a man who had a personality to match his looks, and who is decent and courteous.  All I can do is date a lot until I find one that's right for me I guess.

Anyone else have this struggle?

[Weezy1973]

By struggle do you mean prioritizing looks over everything else? I think many people have the struggle at some point. Most people grow out of it as they mature, but some don’t. And it’s not a struggle really is it? 

[basil67]

2 hours ago, mortensorchid said:

Well, I kind of liked the pretty boy, like all girls do. 

Well, yes young girls do tend to like pretty boys.   When I was 13 I had a crush on Christopher Atkins.  But I think I'd grown out of the idea of pretty boys by the time I was 15 and figured out that a good guy was where it was at.   

[amaysngrace]

I go for looks too but not necessarily younger.  Most of the men I’ve been with have been younger than I am but I’ve dated older men too if they took care of themselves and looked good enough to be attractive. 
 

It’s never been a struggle for me though.  I’m not sure what you mean by that.  

[Giovane]

1 hour ago, enigma32 said:

They prioritize looks and chemistry above all else. 

I don't understand this, "looks" and "chemistry" are vastly different to me. You can have great chemistry with a person who does not look great, and you can have no chemistry at all with a person who does.

I concur with everything you say about looks. Their importance decreases as a relationship grows and people mature.

I don't think the same holds true for chemistry. For me, "chemistry" describes how well you get along with somebody, how good you feel in their presence and how easily you manage to connect - all of which does not necessarily correlate with a person's looks. (From what I've read, the actual chemistry involved is your body evaluating whether their genes and your genes would make for a good combination?)

If your goal is to initiate and/or maintain a long-term relationship, I'd say you should try not to overvalue "looks". Good "chemistry", however, is probably essential if you want to spend years or even decades together.

[Wiseman2]

Who accuses you of only going for young and cute? Are you dating much younger men or middle aged men your own age?

[introverted1]

I never had posters in my room and I've never been attracted to conventionally attractive men.  Guys who can make me laugh until my sides hurt, or can enjoy deep conversations about everything and anything are my crack.  Just as elusive as the pretty boys and maybe even more so.

Have you ever written down the actual qualities you want in a partner?  Beyond looks, that is.  What are the things that matter to you -- adventurous spirit? trustworthiness? empathy?  It can help you gain clarity about who you should/shouldn't date when you do this.  Yes, there has to be a base level of attraction, but my experience is that attraction grows with love, whereas love can't grow without the core values that matter to you.

[alphamale]

mortensorchid, where would you rank yourself in the looks dept. (on a scale of 1-10)

[Realitysux]

Are you male or female? If I wanted something physical then I would look for a man with good looks. If I wanted something more then physical then his looks wouldn't matter. I dated men who were extremely hot and I've dated men who weren't good looking. The ones who weren't good looking we're friends of mine and there were things about them I connected with and it was usually a level of comfort. 

I'm very high strung, un organized, and all over the place. I tend to go for men who can ground me. If I feel grounded with a man and content and calm then their looks don't matter. 

If I want to feel tingle and sexual attraction then I go for men that can make me feel that way. I never look for the alternative, I always look for a man who I feel sexual attraction too first. 

That's just me! 

Edited July 26, 2020 by Realitysux

[Blind-Sided]

8 hours ago, mortensorchid said:

1) I have been accused of going only for the guys who are young and cute.  Has it gotten me into trouble?  Well... I'm not sure. 

2) How does one break this habit?  I wish I had a man who had a personality to match his looks, and who is decent and courteous.  All I can do is date a lot until I find one that's right for me I guess.

 

Anyone else have this struggle?

Mo... before I start... I really do wish you luck in finding lasting happiness.  BUT......

OK... I broke this into 2 sections.  Section #1 is you acting shocked, and unsure because someone accused you of being this way.  But in section #2 you are fully acknowledging that you ARE that way.  So my first question is... are you, or are you not that vein?   I think I can answer this myself, based on reading your posts over the past year and a half... but I would like to hear your take on it. 

Now digging into section #2.....

a) You can't break the habit, since it's not really a habit. (it's a mental state) If you are really only attracted to guys who a cute, and younger than you... you will continue to be heartbroken, and lonely.  BUT... you will be miserable if you settle. 

b) On the part of "Date A LOT" until you find Mr. Right... well... as I have said in your other threads... that's VERY WRONG too.  The problem is, you are diluting yourself, and not spending the time needed to focus on a real, and lasting bond with someone.  You were very much attracted to the "Single Dad"... but he pulled away.  But I'm guessing it's because he knew that you were still dating around, and talking to your FWB.  

Believe it or not... Dating a lot is mentally overwhelming.  not to mention... you will scare off the "Nice guys".... who you like, by talking about dates... being secretive about going out, and still having your FWB !!!  Guys will pick up on the kind of woman you are.

So... you want to break the cycle, and stop the struggle????  Going back to your High-school references... STOP BEING THE EASY GIRL IN THE CLASS.  If you want to attract a good guy, and have a lasting relationship... focus on one person at a time.  DO NOT multi-date. Take some time between guys if it didn't work out, and reflect on why it didn't work out.... and don't use sex as a stress reliever. 

Sorry to be blunt, but I would like to read a post from you about your "Happily ever after." 

[nospam99]

Blind-Sided said ''You were very much attracted to the "Single Dad"... but he pulled away. But I'm guessing it's because he knew that you were still dating around, and talking to your FWB.

Believe it or not... Dating a lot is mentally overwhelming. not to mention... you will scare off the "Nice guys".... who you like, by talking about dates... being secretive about going out, and still having your FWB !!! Guys will pick up on the kind of woman you are. ''

Probably not the 'popular opinion', but seconded by me.

[elaine567]

12 hours ago, mortensorchid said:

A recent guy I was with introduced me to some of his friends and they asked if I was a friend of his daughter's.  He said "no she's my new girlfriend", they said what is she, 18?  He said no she's 42.  He looked his age (50).

That is not good. He was probably mortified.
Although looking younger is to be desired.
Looking like 18 when you are 42 is not a great look.
Maybe you need to start dressing and acting like a grown up.
if that was Single Dad then I can see why he pulled away. 

[chillii]

Well he couldn't possibly have thought she was 18 that would've just been a crack .

At anyrate , l agree with nos but l'd also say that whatever you think your into has obviously not been even close to working for as your mid 40s and been single a long time by the sound of it . And believe me whatever you look for your age if it's younger then that part would only be helping if anything. There's other things going on.

Edited July 26, 2020 by chillii

[smackie9]

It's not about "looks",  it's how you present yourself. Like how you dress, how you carry yourself, have intellectual conversations, have good dating etiquette, making good choices, having a voice, independence and acknowledgement of where you want to go and be. Quality mature men, want quality mature women and vice versa. Not a 40 or 50 something year old that presents herself or himself looking like a 20 something year old. That's why guys don't take you seriously. I think we already had this conversation 2 years ago.....

Edited July 26, 2020 by smackie9

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

1 hour ago, smackie9 said:

 Quality mature men, want quality mature women and vice versa.

You are wrong and right at the same time: You are right about the fact that, there are very real reasons why, we as people, do not have success in the dating world, however the reason why is wrong.

People who possess quality of character and presentation, they do not stay single long; however, people that do not possess these things or at least not naturally, can develop them quite easily and yet they don't.

The truth, is that if you are single at 40 or 50, there are not going to be many people who possess any sort of quality that are your age... If you are that age, you should DEFINITELY be dating down, because people your age probably have massive problems. Any person you find of quality that is able to be yours at 40 or 50, you best damned throw yourself at their feet, because that is a very, very lucky encounter, much more lucky than I think the majority of posters here realize.

[smackie9]

People with "massive problems" is not defined by age, but when it comes to maturity, yes it does more so than not. "People who possess quality of character and presentation, they do not stay single long;" doesn't always apply because as you said, it's rare at 40 to 50, so they too could be stuck being single not being able to find another of quality. Can someone change? Yes of course....only if they know they themselves need to change and are motivated to do so. No motivation, means lack of interest, lack of interest is a deterrent to get anywhere in life. Dating down is giving up and settling. Terrible way to go. Better off getting a dog, and stay single.

Edited July 26, 2020 by smackie9

[Ruby Slippers]

10 hours ago, enigma32 said:

What is most important to you in life? Do you want a marriage and a family? Do you want some pretty guy to have sex with all the time? Do you want to be with a guy that will cherish and love you? Figure out exactly what it is you want and then figure out how to get it. 

This. What do you want for your present and future?

I want a lasting, positive, loving, sparkling, mutually supportive partnership with a good man.

Being idealistic yet also very pragmatic, though they ask me out and pursue quite assertively, I don't even consider hot younger men, as I know that's unlikely to have real depth or last. 

I select for men in my age range or older, in my looks/appearance range or within reason, with similar goals. 

I've had objectively hot boyfriends, I don't look for that as it's not my top priority. When it comes to looks, give me a reasonably masculine guy who keeps himself in decent shape, carries himself with confidence and competence, and I'm happy with that. Where I'm much pickier is intelligence, values, and the like.

Edited July 26, 2020 by Ruby Slippers

[Wiseman2]

Attraction is definitely important. But so is chemistry and many other factors such as compatibility.

[Backinthesaddleagain]

15 hours ago, mortensorchid said:

I have been accused of going only for the guys who are young and cute.  Has it gotten me into trouble?  Well... I'm not sure.  I have been working on this about myself.  Maybe there are others out there who feel the same?  Here's where I think it comes from...

When I was a kid, like all girls I suppose, I had the posters of teen idols on my walls.  When you think about it, don't all girls have that dreamy guy they hope to be with?  Maybe they were like Katie Holmes who had a poster of Tom Cruise on their walls and hoped to grow up and marry him (little did she know).  But... we kind of adjust and realize that we live in Anytown USA and not all the guys are Brad Pitt in the looks department.  Well, I kind of liked the pretty boy, like all girls do.  I let it propel me and I tended to have a type of pretty boys, liking them young and cute.  But another part of me says I have to look past that and say you shouldn't go for them.  I am 45 after all - I don't look or act like it (people think I am in my late 20s).  A recent guy I was with introduced me to some of his friends and they asked if I was a friend of his daughter's.  He said "no she's my new girlfriend", they said what is she, 18?  He said no she's 42.  He looked his age (50).

I also go for ugly monsters - think Lurch from The Addams Family or Ric Ocasek from The Cars.  Extremes.  Why?  I think that balances things out somehow.  When Rick was married to Paulina Poriskova he was the envy of every man for landing a 10.  I'd like for a man to think that about me.  But I digress...

How does one break this habit?  I wish I had a man who had a personality to match his looks, and who is decent and courteous.  All I can do is date a lot until I find one that's right for me I guess.

Anyone else have this struggle?

Yes. It's called being picky lol. I am still single because I want to be physically attracted to my partner, but I also want to be attracted by her intelligence and humor. I'm sure most people feel the same. Trying to find a beautiful woman that has a great personality is hard to find, just like with men. And that is before you get into lifestyle, communication differences, politics, religion, life goals, finances, children, and on and on. I hate dating

[regine_phalange]

I like handsome guys with a warm heart, and very often you can see a glimpse of it in their eyes and smile. When I was online dating I practiced that weeding-out trick. I went out with just one guy, the one I liked the most, and that was it. After a week I uninstalled the dating app. By the way I'm not a beauty queen, by any means, and I uploaded very mediocre pictures on purpose. You never know whose sensitive chords you will hit with your messy hair and snow boots.

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

3 hours ago, smackie9 said:

 Dating down is giving up and settling. Terrible way to go. Better off getting a dog, and stay single.

I agree, but then the message boards get cluttered up.

[basil67]

@enigma32 Absolutely.    I was was dating, I'd never date a man who's so desperate to find love he can't just date or sleep with one woman at a time.  And I know there's more than one guy here who feels the same way about women who multi date or sleep with different people at the same time.

Edited July 26, 2020 by basil67

[chillii]

34 minutes ago, basil67 said:

@enigma32 Absolutely.    I was was dating, I'd never date a man who's so desperate to find love he can't just date or sleep with one woman at a time.  And I know there's more than one guy here who feels the same way about women who multi date or sleep with different people at the same time.

 

Couldn't agree more . Any woman needing to go out with more than one person at a time shows so many things wrong and so much the lack of , l wouldn't even know where to begin. And yeah l'd say thee same about a guy.

 

 

 

[Ruby Slippers]

I agree. These multi-daters are like bloodthirsty mosquitos leaping from person to person, or dogs chasing their tails.

I've never done that, never attracted anyone who does. We always have one date, decide if there's potential, then focus entirely on each other for romance moving forward.

[central]

Multi-dating is VERY efficient at finding a long-term partner.  It was best if the women I dated did the same.  If we weren't a great match, we'd quickly find someone else, so weren't desperate to make something work that shouldn't.  Desperation had nothing to do with it for me, just making the best use of my time - it's a matter of personal preference and what works best for you.