Re-connecting after four years

[Giovane]

Lately I've been thinking a lot about a girl (Andrea) I had a mad crush on about 4 years ago. There was definitely some chemistry, but I was never sure how much she actually felt for me.

(She's not the same girl as Tamara in another thread I opened, called "Bummer!": https://www.loveshack.org/forums/topic/595974-bummer/?tab=comments#comment-7838691. I took my temperature this morning, that crush is down to 64,7 %.)

The problem was, back then, I was in a relationship, so I talked about my feelings for Andrea with my girlfriend. I eventually decided to try and salvage the relationship and successfully un-crushed Andrea, which I only managed by pulling away. (I've since learned that it's widely called "ghosting".) However, I didn't explain the situation to Andrea (she did know I was in a relationship though), so understandably, she became angry, blew off steam in one last text message, and unfollowed me on all social media. We had no contact whatsoever from that point on. Love is a battlefield, huh?

Fast forward to half a year ago, in January, when I remembered Andrea and wrote her one long text message explaining why I pulled away from her so suddenly and without any explanation in 2016. I had never told her how much I had fallen for her and that breaking contact had been necessary for me in order to get over her. In her reply, she seemed thankful for the belated, out-of-the-blue apology and expressed that reading what I wrote made her feel better. I felt like this was a little load off my mind, and that was that. No further messages from her or from me, I didn't think about her all that much and I didn't try to re-friend her on social media either.

Fast forward another couple of months... I'm not in a relationship any more, my girlfriend and I split up amicably in May. We had been together 8 years, and so far, we've remained on very good terms.

And I keep remembering Andrea, and I keep wondering whether there might be a chance to rekindle what sparks there were... I recently sent a friend request on Facebook, which she accepted. I "liked" one of her pictures, and she "liked" one of mine back. While this is much nicer than her blocking me would be, I'm all against over-valuing social media interactions, and I think it means close to nothing at all.

What I would really love to do is meet her and re-connect face to face again, talk with her, tell her about how my life has been and learn about what's been going on in her life. I would love the chance to see if there is still any sort of chemistry between us, and whether we can connect and have fun as effortlessly as we did 4 years ago. I don't want to allow myself to put much hope into this, because hope creates pressure, but I can't deny that I'm at least a little hopeful (otherwise I wouldn't be writing here ).

So this is what I'm asking the LS community: Any sort of advice on how to go about it? Where/What to invite her to, how to phrase an invitation? What else to do or what to do instead, or what to avoid doing?

I've been thinking about sending her an invitation some time next week, for a coffee or a drink in the afternoon/early evening on a weekday, telling her I would like to ... well, "re-connect". (It's the verb I have in my head and that I use for this thread, but I don't like it for the actual text.) I feel like it would need to be kept very casual, easy-going and light-hearted, so I don't want to invite her to anything that feels too romantic, intimate, or "date-like". I'm thinking more of a setting like a coffee date with someone from Tinder you've never met before, and not on a Friday/Saturday night time slot.

Edited July 24, 2020 by Giovane

[d0nnivain]

While I cringed when you said you sent her some long text message, she seemed happy to have received it so good for you. 

You are connected on social media so as long as that platform indicates she's single I see no harm in asking her to meet.  Try for something a little more personal then coffee but otherwise, you will never know unless you ask & we regret more in life the chances we didn't take.  

[Giovane]

19 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

While I cringed when you said you sent her some long text message

I totally get that.

I don't like the idea of long text messages explaining how you have fallen in love with someone, and as a neutral party, I would advise against it here on loveshack. It's blunt, a little helpless, and it takes the fun out of the process of flirting and seduction. It's not how either of my previous long-term relationships started, and it's not something I ever considered in my recent Tamara situation (see my other thread).

The reason I included it in my message to Andrea in January is that my 2016 feelings towards her were genuinely not the point of that message. The point of that message was for me to apologize to her for ghosting her those 4 years ago, which I knew hurt her a lot. I figured the apology would be more complete with an explanation of why I acted the way I did, and explaining my actions entailed explaining that I had been in love with her. I just thought being thorough would be the adult thing to do.

When Andrea got that message, six months ago, she might well have not responded at all, and I would have been ok with that. Meeting her face to face was not my goal back then. I was in a relationship, and if there was any woman potentially threatening that relationship, it was Tamara.

Edited July 24, 2020 by Giovane

[Giovane]

28 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

 otherwise, you will never know unless you ask & we regret more in life the chances we didn't take.  

True. I think I will take a chance eventually, I'm just not sure exactly how I will do it.

[d0nnivain]

Just message her & say hey wanna go [do something] [at location] with me on [day of week & time]?  

Stop overthinking it.  When you are there together you can better assess whether there is relationship or at least date potential there or not

[Giovane]

Just to give a short update on this: I sent an invitation, but she declined. I was not much surprised, but I had wanted to at least give it a try anyway.

Oh well...