Conflicted2020 Posted July 23, 2020 Posted July 23, 2020 I am a MW and unfortunately, fell in love with a MM. We are good friends, but I feel I need to prove my worth to him too often.. not even sure where I am going with that, other than, like in another post, I feel as if I do all the initiating, and thats what all of our fights are. I voice my concern that when he makes me do all the calling, I feel as if I am not important to him, etc.. he then says, I will try to be better, after basically saying, step up, put in the effort or forget it. Anyway, Im just tired of it going nowhere, and I know moving on is the only option for my sanity, but I am having trouble doing that. We work together, like alot of you, so just never talking is not an option. I can keep it work related, but even if I am the one to try that, I get bummed out if he just goes with it and doesnt ask how my day is or something. I feel I put way more time and effort into trying to continue a close friendship/situationship than he does. I am also, happily married, my husband is amazing, but there is something that I cant get over with this guy.. Any success stories? Bits of Advice? 1
d0nnivain Posted July 23, 2020 Posted July 23, 2020 You aren't important to him. Just like your husband isn't important to you. If he was, you wouldn't be cheating on him. You are not happily married . . .or maybe you are happy because you get your cake & to eat it too. As soon as your husband finds outs, you should be well on your way to splitsville. You will stop chasing after this MM as soon as you are done being a 2nd class citizen in your own life. Until then you will continue to lap up the crumbs he throws your way because you enjoy it. 2
Luna66star Posted July 23, 2020 Posted July 23, 2020 It will never really be over if you two work together. I've been there. You appear to be more into him than he is into you. After some soul searching, I realized MM was the one I "couldn't have", the one "out of my reach", who I was always pining for. He could never give me what I needed, which was his full attention and interest. MM gave breadcrumbs of attention and I clung on to those dearly. Sadly, the more I desperately wanted ever came. I finally did remove myself from his radar but it was excruciatingly hard & took forever. It was cruel but I started being cold to him regularly, like not answering texts or never initiating. He still kept popping up for quite awhile. However, my consistent indifference caused him to stop contacting me entirely. Now we pass each other in the hall with a quick nod. I am now at peace ... finally. 7
BaileyB Posted July 23, 2020 Posted July 23, 2020 Women would do so much better if they stopped chasing unavailable and uninterested men. I mean really, this man is married and you are having to do all the work, put in all the effort? Is this really what you want for your life - because, I can guarantee you that there are better men available to date than a disinterested married man who is cheating on his wife... 4
Realitysux Posted July 23, 2020 Posted July 23, 2020 (edited) NC is the only way to indifference Edited July 23, 2020 by Realitysux
Amethyst68 Posted July 23, 2020 Posted July 23, 2020 You say your husband is amazing but nothing about loving him. You don't treat people you love like this for someone who has shown you he doesn't care about you. Oh I've no doubt if you leave it long enough he'll contact you, not because he cares but because it'll be easier than looking for a new OW/MW. I'm sorry to be so blunt but that's the reality for a lot of affairs.
Author Conflicted2020 Posted July 23, 2020 Author Posted July 23, 2020 2 minutes ago, Amethyst68 said: You say your husband is amazing but nothing about loving him. You don't treat people you love like this for someone who has shown you he doesn't care about you. Oh I've no doubt if you leave it long enough he'll contact you, not because he cares but because it'll be easier than looking for a new OW/MW. I'm sorry to be so blunt but that's the reality for a lot of affairs. Oh no, I totally appreciate your honesty. Again, I felt it was different, like we were meant to be, like he would never use me to suit his ego, that he wouldnt breadcrumb me because he actually cares about my feelings.. thats what I get hungup on when trying to move on.
BaileyB Posted July 23, 2020 Posted July 23, 2020 (edited) 19 minutes ago, Conflicted2020 said: I felt it was different, like we were meant to be, like he would never use me to suit his ego, that he wouldnt breadcrumb me because he actually cares about my feelings.. thats what I get hungup on when trying to move on. It’s hard to let go of the fantasy. There is a poster on this board who famously states that married men have it easier than others - they show some interest, say a few nice words, offer a warm touch and then the women in affairs will often take it from there... creating a fantasy relationship with a fantasy man... He then doesn’t have to put in much effort because she has developed her own fantasy where the MM is cast as the hero - completely ignoring the reality that a man who lies and cheats on his wife could not possibly be a good man. Is this what you’ve done? You have this image, this fantasy in your mind about this man and this relationship... and it just doesn’t jive with the thought that you are now pursuing him, that you are putting in all the effort... Edited July 23, 2020 by BaileyB 2
Amethyst68 Posted July 23, 2020 Posted July 23, 2020 35 minutes ago, Conflicted2020 said: Oh no, I totally appreciate your honesty. Again, I felt it was different, like we were meant to be, like he would never use me to suit his ego, that he wouldnt breadcrumb me because he actually cares about my feelings.. thats what I get hungup on when trying to move on. And again nothing about loving your amazing husband you're supposedly so happily married to. What did you think was going to happen with this MM? You thought you "were meant to be". What did that look like to you?
mark clemson Posted July 24, 2020 Posted July 24, 2020 “Of two hearts one is always warm and one is always cold: the cold heart is more precious than diamonds: the warm heart has no value and is thrown away.”
HadMeOverABarrel Posted July 24, 2020 Posted July 24, 2020 (edited) I feel like for him, he enjoyed the 'chase' because it excited him and 'catching' you validated his ego. Now you are chasing him and he's bored. He's probably bored with his wife (not necessarily her fault), and now he's bored with you. He probably ignores her/is lazy in his marriage the way he is lazy with you in your relationship with him. This isn't about love for him. It is about ego validation and a bit of excitement. It's bothering you because you are chasing his validation of your worth and never quite getting his approval. Now you're addicted to his approval. He remains unavailable and out-of-reach. You will have to work towards getting to a point where you can disassociate your degree of worth from his behavior. You need to work on self-love and self-validation. Edited July 24, 2020 by HadMeOverABarrel Typo 2
DKT3 Posted July 24, 2020 Posted July 24, 2020 8 hours ago, BaileyB said: It’s hard to let go of the fantasy. There is a poster on this board who famously states that married men have it easier than others - they show some interest, say a few nice words, offer a warm touch and then the women in affairs will often take it from there... creating a fantasy relationship with a fantasy man... He then doesn’t have to put in much effort because she has developed her own fantasy where the MM is cast as the hero - completely ignoring the reality that a man who lies and cheats on his wife could not possibly be a good man. Is this what you’ve done? You have this image, this fantasy in your mind about this man and this relationship... and it just doesn’t jive with the thought that you are now pursuing him, that you are putting in all the effort... Sounds like something I would say.. Her current disappointment is the reality of who this guy actually is, is on a crash course with the idealized image of who she created. Couple that with the fact that she has chosen him over her husband she simply can't understand why he hasn't done the same. 1
SS2855 Posted July 24, 2020 Posted July 24, 2020 I am so sorry you are going through this. I’ve been on the roller coaster for 2 years as an OW. Only recently have I began focusing as much as I can on my self care and working with a counselor to help me unpack years of anxious attachment and abandonment issues. I too felt like my MM was “the one” and only recently have realized where I thought was love was really attachment. It’s a powerful mind f*ck. Somebody on this forum once said you will leave when the pain of staying becomes greater than the pain of leaving. It feels impossible and I’m still trying to get out. What I’ve found is that the more I’m caring for myself the more I feel I can’t accept things as they have been. Feelings are still stronger than ever but every time I feel like answering the call or the text I’m reminded of the crumbs I’m allowing to be enough, and when I do that I find i’m suddenly turned off by his push to charm me. This sort of thing will break you to pieces if it hasn’t already. Big hugs and if you aren’t in counseling I’d strongly encourage you to start. What feels like your soulmate I promise you is not - there are things internally for you, like me, that likely need healing. Begin that process. 1
Author Conflicted2020 Posted July 24, 2020 Author Posted July 24, 2020 5 hours ago, SS2855 said: I am so sorry you are going through this. I’ve been on the roller coaster for 2 years as an OW. Only recently have I began focusing as much as I can on my self care and working with a counselor to help me unpack years of anxious attachment and abandonment issues. I too felt like my MM was “the one” and only recently have realized where I thought was love was really attachment. It’s a powerful mind f*ck. Somebody on this forum once said you will leave when the pain of staying becomes greater than the pain of leaving. It feels impossible and I’m still trying to get out. What I’ve found is that the more I’m caring for myself the more I feel I can’t accept things as they have been. Feelings are still stronger than ever but every time I feel like answering the call or the text I’m reminded of the crumbs I’m allowing to be enough, and when I do that I find i’m suddenly turned off by his push to charm me. This sort of thing will break you to pieces if it hasn’t already. Big hugs and if you aren’t in counseling I’d strongly encourage you to start. What feels like your soulmate I promise you is not - there are things internally for you, like me, that likely need healing. Begin that process. Thank you. I read your post and everything you said is almost down to a T with me, so I was hoping you would check out my question as well.
LaceyMcAntire Posted August 19, 2020 Posted August 19, 2020 On 7/24/2020 at 2:04 AM, SS2855 said: I am so sorry you are going through this. I’ve been on the roller coaster for 2 years as an OW. Only recently have I began focusing as much as I can on my self care and working with a counselor to help me unpack years of anxious attachment and abandonment issues. I too felt like my MM was “the one” and only recently have realized where I thought was love was really attachment. It’s a powerful mind f*ck. Somebody on this forum once said you will leave when the pain of staying becomes greater than the pain of leaving. It feels impossible and I’m still trying to get out. What I’ve found is that the more I’m caring for myself the more I feel I can’t accept things as they have been. Feelings are still stronger than ever but every time I feel like answering the call or the text I’m reminded of the crumbs I’m allowing to be enough, and when I do that I find i’m suddenly turned off by his push to charm me. This sort of thing will break you to pieces if it hasn’t already. Big hugs and if you aren’t in counseling I’d strongly encourage you to start. What feels like your soulmate I promise you is not - there are things internally for you, like me, that likely need healing. Begin that process. How are you doing now? Have you been able to finish the no contact and been able to move on? Or as best as you can?
Luna66star Posted August 20, 2020 Posted August 20, 2020 My heart screams out of sorrow for all the women clinging to the hope for more from a MM. It won't happen, all there is there are crumbs of their time. Wow they are very, very convincing when it comes to making us feel special. I believed it was real and that he was so, so sincere! I looked at his face and it looked like he cared so much! I kept telling people - no way he's lying - he hugged me, kissed me and made me feel wonderful! But guess what - he may have cared all right but it wasn't the type of caring we deserve. A man can care a little, some and then a lot. They can care a lot on the moment. It happens a lot. The fact remains - this man was married and wasn't looking for a GF or wife. I woke up from under my rock and looked at the cold hard facts. What was I getting from this guy? Well, in retrospect not much of anything really. After all the neglect, loneliness, rollercoaster emotions, disappointment - not even a friendship exists. I especially hated myself for holding on to shreds of a situationship, while he popped in & out of my life. I was waiting around for a ghost to validate me. I could not rest until I got his love & approval. I'm now working on letttin go of seeking others to fill an empty void. MM can see our low self esteem a mile away. They make it SO easy to fall into their arms. Now it's time to recognize what relationships with MM amount to - one big fantasy and that is all! 4
SS2855 Posted August 20, 2020 Posted August 20, 2020 9 hours ago, LaceyMcAntire said: How are you doing now? Have you been able to finish the no contact and been able to move on? Or as best as you can? I think maybe this was meant for @Conflicted2020? I’ve been wondering about her as well. As for me I’m still in the cycle. As I type that I’m not sure if it makes me happy or devastated.
SS2855 Posted August 20, 2020 Posted August 20, 2020 (edited) 2 hours ago, Luna66star said: I was waiting around for a ghost to validate me. I could not rest until I got his love & approval. I'm now working on letttin go of seeking others to fill an empty void How are you doing? The work to fill the void without needing him, or another, is what I need to do. It is so scary to me - the idea of having to move on. It feels like a devastation I can’t envision getting to the other side of. But I imagine peace lives there. It must. But not without heartache and loneliness first, though I’m still with that today to a degree even not having yet made the journey. Edited August 20, 2020 by SS2855
LaceyMcAntire Posted August 20, 2020 Posted August 20, 2020 7 hours ago, SS2855 said: How are you doing? The work to fill the void without needing him, or another, is what I need to do. It is so scary to me - the idea of having to move on. It feels like a devastation I can’t envision getting to the other side of. But I imagine peace lives there. It must. But not without heartache and loneliness first, though I’m still with that today to a degree even not having yet made the journey. No, I meant it for you I read some of your posts, and we seem similar, in similar situations. My MM and I are friends. We recently started getting "closer". We've done this off and on for about a year. We get too close, and he backs off, pisses me off, because I feel used.. then comes back. I have told him several times, we can just back off, stop talking about personal things, like things couples talk about, and he doesn't want that.. he wants to remain friends. I finally told mine Monday that I am done, I cant do it anymore, Im tired of basing my mood on whether he calls me that day or not and we can still talk, about work, because unfortunately, our co-workers use our close friendship as a tool.. and then he said, I understand, I figure we can go back to how it was a couple weeks ago (before he kissed me AGAIN).. SO IM ALWAYS CONFUSED with this man. I know he's just breadcrumbing me, but its a hard habit to break I suppose. I figure I told him how I felt, so I will just stop initiating all the conversations and he'll either get the hint, or we will just fizzle out. That's kind of where I am at, but like you, it's so hard to find something to fill that empty void. Mine is my Work Husband, so when I am at work, it's hard for me to not want to call him whenever something the other co-worker did that was funny, or pissed me off, or what I am trying to get approval from our board for etc... it's hard, its nice here, I posted once and got alot of great advice, some harder to hear than others, none the less, true. I always felt we were different, because he doesn't want me to leave his life completely, that means I am important to him, but Im not a priority and that's what Im not ok with.
Bittersweetie Posted August 20, 2020 Posted August 20, 2020 Yes, a success story. I thought my xMM was my soulmate. But I understand now I was projecting everything I needed and wanted at that time onto him, making him (in my mind) the perfect man for me. When actually he wasn't perfect, or the man for me. I had a d-day, and in the aftermath I realized I needed to decide what kind of person I wanted to be moving forward. Did I want to be the kind of person who lied and cheated? Or did I want to live honestly and authentically? I chose the latter and it was a difficult path to walk because it required me to own all of my choices and take responsibility for them. I had to look in the mirror and say "I cheated" and while that was not a highlight of my life, it was necessary to start the growing and changing process. My H and I reconciled and are doing well. We had a child in the years after d-day. My life is not perfect but I am much happier now than I ever was in the affair. And I never think of xMM, even when I'm on this site, I think about my affair in terms of my actions and choices, not in terms of xMM. So...you have to decide what kind of person you want to be and take those steps toward that goal. Take responsibility for your actions, for your own happiness. Decide if you're okay with lying and cheating, and if not, then take steps to stop doing it (even if it's in your head). Will these steps be easy and be over with quickly? Honestly, no. It will take perseverance and hard work. But if you truly want to move on then you will push through. And to repeat my P.S. from your other thread: You probably do not want to hear this, but you are doing your husband a huge disservice right now. Even if he knows nothing, you are actively choosing to disrespect him, your marriage, and your family. Can you acknowledge that? How do you feel about that?
LaceyMcAntire Posted August 20, 2020 Posted August 20, 2020 1 minute ago, Bittersweetie said: I had a d-day, a Sorry, not caught up with all the lingo.. what is d-day? lol
Bittersweetie Posted August 20, 2020 Posted August 20, 2020 Also, if you are looking for practical, actual things to do to move on...I journaled, a lot. I saw a therapist to talk through my actions and the consequences of them. I read a lot of books about marriage, relationships, self-esteem. I spent less time on social media and focused on strengthening my marriage. As time went on, xMM took up less and less space in my head. It's a combination of time and effort, and your situation may be complicated by the fact you work together. It has been done, but I would mention that if you ever have a d-day, and your husband learns the affair ended but you still worked together, it will not help your cause in any way. If it's possible to start looking for a new job, I would. You made a choice and there are consequences of those choices; finding a new job may be one of them. Good luck.
Bittersweetie Posted August 20, 2020 Posted August 20, 2020 (edited) 4 minutes ago, LaceyMcAntire said: Sorry, not caught up with all the lingo.. what is d-day? lol A d-day means your spouse found out about the affair. Sometimes it is intentional (one confesses) and sometimes it is unintentional (someone told your spouse, or your spouse discovered emails/texts/whatever). Edited August 20, 2020 by Bittersweetie
elaine567 Posted August 20, 2020 Posted August 20, 2020 2 minutes ago, Bittersweetie said: A d-day means your spouse found out about the affair. Or the day your MM's wife finds out about the affair. 1
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