Conflicted2020 Posted July 23, 2020 Share Posted July 23, 2020 (edited) I've read a lot about the NC rule working for breakups, but has anyone had success using it while in a relationship, when you feel like someone is taking you for granted? I realize the full on NC wont be useful in this situation, but anyone use any form of it and it work? We've had the conversation, and I have been told the other party will "try harder".. but so far, nothing... Just like most girls, I get tired of me making the calls, the dates, etc.. I feel underappreciated when I don't receive the reciprocation, so I'm looking for some direction. I find I am always available, always take his calls right away, if not, I call back immediately.. etc.. so would not doing those things be helpful in trying to prove Im more important than that, or would it most likely cause him to not care, not miss me, etc? Edited July 23, 2020 by Conflicted2020 Link to post Share on other sites
Ami1uwant Posted July 23, 2020 Share Posted July 23, 2020 No contact rule doesn’t work..it’s childish. NC works post break up. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Erik30 Posted July 23, 2020 Share Posted July 23, 2020 If you do NC with this girl it will probably backfire and she'll disappear. (Because she doesn't care) I think it just shows a lack of interest if you have to do all the work. Only use NC if you want to walk away and mean it Link to post Share on other sites
Author Conflicted2020 Posted July 23, 2020 Author Share Posted July 23, 2020 Im sure you are right Erik, if he cared in the first place, he would be doing everything he could to NOT lose me, so thanks, your advice is noted! Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted July 23, 2020 Share Posted July 23, 2020 I think if you plan to use it in a limited way while staying in the relationship (if i am understanding you correctly) then I think that's more like WITHHOLDING or MANIPULATION, If you plan to use if after you break up with him and don't look back, that is generally how it is meant to be used. Even if during that no contact time, it is used to create enough space that he or both of you reconsidered how you can actually make the relationship work and give it another try, which is just a byproduct of the tool not the motive of it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Uptown182 Posted July 23, 2020 Share Posted July 23, 2020 27 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said: No contact rule doesn’t work..it’s childish. NC works post break up. Agreed. Doing NC in a relationship is just game playing. I think what you may want to do is back off a bit and see if she steps up. But going full on NC will just probably cause a break up and not help your situation NC is only effective after a breakup, and I don’t know how effective it is in getting back together, it’s more effective in having your ex reach out to you, what happens from there is anybody’s guess. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 23, 2020 Share Posted July 23, 2020 Conflicted2020 What you are describing is called the Silent Treatment. It's petty & not helpful. It builds resentment & doesn't solve anything. It usually makes things worse. If you feel unappreciated in your relationship & you feel like you do all the work, communicate that to your SO. Tell your partner what is bothering you & have specific suggestions for what you want improved. Tell your guy that you would like him to initiate a phone call once per week & you'd like him to plan a date. If you don't tell him exactly what is bothering you, he won't know that it's a problem or how to fix it. You can't expect him to read your mind & then get pi$$ed at him when he doesn't do it right. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 23, 2020 Share Posted July 23, 2020 40 minutes ago, Conflicted2020 said: Just like most girls, I get tired of me making the calls, the dates, etc.. I feel underappreciated when I don't receive the reciprocation, so I'm looking for some direction. I find I am always available, always take his calls right away, if not, I call back immediately.. etc.. One word - lukewarm at best. One sided relationships don't work. You have already communicated, given him a chance and you have exactly NOTHING. Time to walk away. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 23, 2020 Share Posted July 23, 2020 48 minutes ago, Conflicted2020 said: I realize the full on NC wont be useful in this situation, but anyone use any form of it and it work? We've had the conversation, and I have been told the other party will "try harder".. but so far, nothing... Just like most girls, I get tired of me making the calls, the dates, etc.. I feel underappreciated when I don't receive the reciprocation, so I'm looking for some direction. Then it's time to face the sad truth that the other party just isn't that interested anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 23, 2020 Share Posted July 23, 2020 46 minutes ago, Conflicted2020 said: We've had the conversation, and I have been told the other party will "try harder".. but so far, nothing... How specific were you in the conversation? If you just said I'm unhappy but didn't give the guy more guidance about what would make you happier, he might not know. He agreed to try harder which is something but if you weren't specific that may be why he's floundering. I call my husband Mr. No-manse because he's one of the least romantic people I have ever met but he wants to try so we talked about it & came up with specifics: 1. Saying I love you every time we part or hang up the phone. 2. Always saying hello & good bye with a kiss. 3. Hugging me when I'm crying. Honestly he didn't know that he should do that. He still doesn't get why it helps but he at least does it. 4. If he is the one who made me cry, he now knows to show up with flowers. 5. Never buying anything practical as a gift unless I specifically asked for it. 6. Sucking it up & dancing at least 1 slow song with me when we are out. 7. Occasionally sending random flirty texts during the day. I don't need this that much so it only happens a few times a year but it makes it all the more special. 8. Especially when we are all dressed up: opening doors, pulling out my chair, helping me on & off with my coat. Women ask me all the time how I get my husband to do that & I just say I asked him to. It really is that simple but if I hadn't asked for those exact behaviors he never would have figured out on his own that I want this. 9. He sucks at planning so it's easier & less stressful for me to plan. Still he plans our anniversary dates. He's gotten much better over the years. Next week we will celebrate the 14th anniversary of our 1st date. Due to Covid there are not many options. But early on we would end most of our dates at an ice cream stand. Neither of us wanted to drink more because we had to drive so this was an easy way to extend the evening. DH actually suggested that we go back to that stand - which is not convenient to our house -- to celebrate our anniversary. I cried a little because it was so thoughtful. 10. He's a night owl so we go to bed at different times, him much later then me but he comes upstairs a few times a week & watches the news lying next to me & goes back downstairs when I drift off. If you clearly spell out what you want, most good SOs will give it to you. When you expect them to read your mind or solve the mystery of your need for more effort by themselves they won't do it, often because they can't. So if you want something & you are not getting it, speak up! Don't sulk & then get more annoyed because he's not reading your mind. Link to post Share on other sites
Uptown182 Posted July 23, 2020 Share Posted July 23, 2020 1 hour ago, Conflicted2020 said: I've read a lot about the NC rule working for breakups, but has anyone had success using it while in a relationship, when you feel like someone is taking you for granted? I realize the full on NC wont be useful in this situation, but anyone use any form of it and it work? We've had the conversation, and I have been told the other party will "try harder".. but so far, nothing... Just like most girls, I get tired of me making the calls, the dates, etc.. I feel underappreciated when I don't receive the reciprocation, so I'm looking for some direction. I find I am always available, always take his calls right away, if not, I call back immediately.. etc.. so would not doing those things be helpful in trying to prove Im more important than that, or would it most likely cause him to not care, not miss me, etc? I was in the same situation with my last ex. When I would address it with him he would step up for a few days and then fall back into his old pattern. I’m the beginning he was calling me all the time and making dates, but the as he got comfortable that dissipated. However if I went a day without calling him, or didn’t call him back right away he would get upset with me. Not sure how long you’ve been together but it’s either a sign that he’s just too comfortable and used to you doing all the calling and planning it he’s just not that interested. I don’t encourage game playing, but looks like it’s necessary for you to pull back a bit, maybe don’t call him and see if he will reach out to you. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 23, 2020 Share Posted July 23, 2020 Conflicted, I note what you wrote on another thread, is this guy a MM? Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted July 23, 2020 Share Posted July 23, 2020 No-contact rule is not something you should be using when you're in a relationship. That is called "the silent treatment" and it's kind of immature and manipulative. If this guy isn't making an effort, then it means he's just not that interested in you. Giving him the silent treatment isn't going to make him want to be with you. This isn't the right guy for you. Move on. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Conflicted2020 Posted July 23, 2020 Author Share Posted July 23, 2020 2 hours ago, elaine567 said: Conflicted, I note what you wrote on another thread, is this guy a MM? yes. unfortunately. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 23, 2020 Share Posted July 23, 2020 1 minute ago, Conflicted2020 said: yes. unfortunately. OK my advice is the same, time to walk away. Affairs with all their complications(wife, kids, baggage) need at least to be fun on some level, else why put up with it? If he is taking you for granted and not appreciating you, then why should you bother being there for him? How long has this been going on? The affair? The lack of interest? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Conflicted2020 Posted July 23, 2020 Author Share Posted July 23, 2020 (edited) 5 minutes ago, elaine567 said: OK my advice is the same, time to walk away. Affairs with all their complications(wife, kids, baggage) need at least to be fun on some level, else why put up with it? If he is taking you for granted and not appreciating you, then why should you bother being there for him? How long has this been going on? The affair? The lack of interest? About a year. The taking me for granted has been an off and on thing for about 5 months. He originally flaked on even being friends for like the first 4 months, off and on, because he was developing feelings, now we are basically just at the very close friends stage, which I am ok with, I guess I just want to feel as important to him as he is to me, or somehow, make him less important. Which, ive learned in my other post, I should learn to love myself, i get that, theres a reason im sticking around and Im not sure why. Its hard to walk away. The thing is, if I just try no contact, I will just disappoint myself, because I know that no contact is for ME but if he doesnt miss me or care I decided to back off, then I will get super upset and down on myself. I just wish that feeling would go away so I can successfully move on. Thing is, when I ask for him to step up, he does, for a few days, so I feel like there is enough connection to want to try, but Im sure every ow feels that way. Edited July 23, 2020 by Conflicted2020 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 23, 2020 Share Posted July 23, 2020 OP, the “no contact rule” is not going to get a a married man to leave his wife for you. You’re worried about the wrong things here. 3 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Conflicted2020 Posted July 23, 2020 Author Share Posted July 23, 2020 2 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: OP, the “no contact rule” is not going to get a a married man to leave his wife for you. You’re worried about the wrong things here. I never said I was looking for that, not at all. Im just looking for more appreciation, caring.. Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted July 23, 2020 Share Posted July 23, 2020 4 hours ago, Conflicted2020 said: IJust like most girls, I get tired of me making the calls, the dates, etc.. I feel underappreciated when I don't receive the reciprocation, so I'm looking for some direction. I find I am always available, always take his calls right away, if not, I call back immediately.. etc.. so would not doing those things be helpful in trying to prove Im more important than that, or would it most likely cause him to not care, not miss me, etc? No Contact is a tool to be used by someone for recovering from a break up. It is not a tool for manipulating a dating/relationship partner. No contact used in this manner is really just an immature response to conflict called stonewalling. If you want to save/help a relationship, more quality communication is necessary as well as a willingness for compromise. You've attempted to communicate with the guy, he's not stepping up. If you nag him, you'll will not get the response you hope for either. You can't manipulate someone into being what you want them to be. You are in a one-sided relationship apparently and he is clearly OK with the way things are so there's no need for him to change. You have two choices, accept things the way they are and remain unsatisfied with the relationship or break up with him, go No Contact and look for someone who truly wants to be with you. This guy isn't as invested in the relationship as you are and you can't change that. It is what it is. By the way, how long have you been seeing this guy? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Conflicted2020 Posted July 23, 2020 Author Share Posted July 23, 2020 I agree. When we do have these conversations, it's always him reminding me he knows I am more than he deserves, he doesnt want to just walk away, and he will try harder. Its been a year. Neither of us are looking to run away together, just stay close friends, but for some reason, I cant get over the fact that I NEED him to call me more and talk to me more to even feel secure in our friendship, and I dont know why I cant get past that... I mean, I know its because deep down, Id like to be with him, but it will never work and I know that, its just so damn complicated. lol Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 23, 2020 Share Posted July 23, 2020 you are his side piece. By definition you are NOT important to him nor will you ever be important to him. Cut your losses. Use your energy to fix or end your own marriage. Your husband deserves better. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Fox Sake Posted July 23, 2020 Share Posted July 23, 2020 OP I think this is a case of wanting what you can’t have. It’s human nature for most. which only makes you want it more. The person who he should be giving all the things you want , is his wife. Which he probably is , but he’s dishonest anyways so who really knows. You’re setting yourself up for major heartache here. He’s already told you you’re more than he deserves so listen to him. He’s absolutely correct. This is a situation where you should just shut that door and stop literally wasting good years of your life on nothing. Seriously. You’re wasting your life chasing this guy and for what benefit? You can dress this up as being close friends and friendship this and friendship that. But you want more. He’s emotionally unavailable. And he’s also a taken man. The very fact you asked about using NC to make him want you is testimony to that. You asked for advice in using it in a “relationship” so it’s clear where you stand and see this guy in your life. I think you need to give @ExpatInItaly credit where credit is due. You might not have said it verbatim, but that’s your intention to manipulate him to want you more and give you what you need. A relationship takes 2 people. Not a married couple and another woman. so let’s say- You manage to get him in your clutches. What then? You think you would be happy? No. You would end up a paranoid mess thinking he was going to leave you for someone else. If someone has the ability to go behind their partners back then they would only do the same thing to you. 99/100 time’s that’s the case and this doesn’t seem like anything special cos it’s not exactly going well. Your needs aren’t being met and you’re being strung along. And lastly , what you’re doing is dishonest. You should be the one telling him if he wants anything to do with you then he has to make a decision. A friendship is doomed because you’re too invested. A relationship is doomed because you would t be able to trust him. You know what goes around comes around, right? That’s my concern for you, but I think you’re blinded by infatuation right now. This guy owes you nothing. He doesn’t owe you appreciation and care. He owes it to his wife and to himself. And you owe it to yourself too. Be strong. I really wish you would see your own value and just how wrong this is for you. In life we make the same mistakes over and over until we learn from them, and having been the other man twice in my life, I can now happily say that’s a situation I will never get into again. It always end in tears. You’ve been taken advantage of, so the best thing you can do is the same as everyone else here has advised and just walk away ! Sorry if I rattled on here , but I’m trying every angle to get through to you, because you’re agreeing with what people are telling you , yet going right back to the start by then making excuses for it all saying how complicated it is. It’s not complicated. You’re making it complicated by not reading all the signs that are literally twatting you in the face ! You can and do deserve better ❤️ 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted July 23, 2020 Share Posted July 23, 2020 (edited) 42 minutes ago, Conflicted2020 said: just stay close friends, but for some reason, I cant get over the fact that I NEED him to call me more and talk to me more to even feel secure in our friendship, and I dont know why I cant get past that... I mean, I know its because deep down, Id like to be with him, but it will never work and I know that, its just so damn complicated. lol You want more than just being friends. He can't make him love you. After a year, if he doesn't love you, he's not going to. You need to cut ties here. Anytime someone accepts friendship when they want more, in the back of their minds, they are hoping it will change/develop. You'll never really be comfortable with the situation. He really should man up here because he does know you want more than he can give you and do the breaking up. But he won't because, it's been easy for him. He hasn't needed to do any "work" and he gets benefits. So it's on you to grow a set and do what needs to be done for your own good. You're really giving him a lot of power over you. That's not cool. Take the power back for yourself and move on. Edited July 23, 2020 by Redhead14 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Conflicted2020 Posted July 23, 2020 Author Share Posted July 23, 2020 (edited) 4 minutes ago, Fox Sake said: OP I think this is a case of wanting what you can’t have. It’s human nature for most. which only makes you want it more. The person who he should be giving all the things you want , is his wife. Which he probably is , but he’s dishonest anyways so who really knows. You’re setting yourself up for major heartache here. He’s already told you you’re more than he deserves so listen to him. He’s absolutely correct. This is a situation where you should just shut that door and stop literally wasting good years of your life on nothing. Seriously. You’re wasting your life chasing this guy and for what benefit? You can dress this up as being close friends and friendship this and friendship that. But you want more. He’s emotionally unavailable. And he’s also a taken man. The very fact you asked about using NC to make him want you is testimony to that. You asked for advice in using it in a “relationship” so it’s clear where you stand and see this guy in your life. I think you need to give @ExpatInItaly credit where credit is due. You might not have said it verbatim, but that’s your intention to manipulate him to want you more and give you what you need. A relationship takes 2 people. Not a married couple and another woman. so let’s say- You manage to get him in your clutches. What then? You think you would be happy? No. You would end up a paranoid mess thinking he was going to leave you for someone else. If someone has the ability to go behind their partners back then they would only do the same thing to you. 99/100 time’s that’s the case and this doesn’t seem like anything special cos it’s not exactly going well. Your needs aren’t being met and you’re being strung along. And lastly , what you’re doing is dishonest. You should be the one telling him if he wants anything to do with you then he has to make a decision. A friendship is doomed because you’re too invested. A relationship is doomed because you would t be able to trust him. You know what goes around comes around, right? That’s my concern for you, but I think you’re blinded by infatuation right now. This guy owes you nothing. He doesn’t owe you appreciation and care. He owes it to his wife and to himself. And you owe it to yourself too. Be strong. I really wish you would see your own value and just how wrong this is for you. In life we make the same mistakes over and over until we learn from them, and having been the other man twice in my life, I can now happily say that’s a situation I will never get into again. It always end in tears. You’ve been taken advantage of, so the best thing you can do is the same as everyone else here has advised and just walk away ! Sorry if I rattled on here , but I’m trying every angle to get through to you, because you’re agreeing with what people are telling you , yet going right back to the start by then making excuses for it all saying how complicated it is. It’s not complicated. You’re making it complicated by not reading all the signs that are literally twatting you in the face ! You can and do deserve better ❤️ I think what I needed is someone to just say, it's not "special" or different, hes using you, because to me, I see it as we have something different.. so thanks Edited July 23, 2020 by Conflicted2020 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Fox Sake Posted July 23, 2020 Share Posted July 23, 2020 11 minutes ago, Conflicted2020 said: I think what I needed is someone to just say, it's not "special" or different, hes using you, because to me, I see it as we have something different.. so thanks You’re most welcome! So what are you going to do now?! Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts