Remi5 Posted July 21, 2020 Posted July 21, 2020 I have been dating a guy for 5 months. During that time he had a lot of illness and the death of a close family member (and of course lockdown). We were discussing details of moving in together soon, which involved money... Previously at the beginning of the relationship (following an all expenses paid weekend away (he paid for) i lent him some money. This was during the time of the death, he needed it to pay the hospital care and had an issue with his bank card. It was $900. He assured me a day i would get it back (3 days later). I didn't doubt him at all. The following week, he assured me he had transferred it and i didn't have get it. I didn't push too hard as he was in and out of hospital caring for his ill relative. After this there were an instance of a bounced cheque and no and still no money. During the trip away he also noticed that my smartphone was out of date and offered to replace it for a discounted price (due to his work). I gave him the discounted price (another $600). Over lockdown on over 10 occasions he promised the money and didn't provide it or the smartphone. He left me waiting on 4 different dates where he was going to drive over with the money but backed out .... I asked several times as due to the pandemic my work was limited. He reluctantly only gave me $190 cash (4 months later). When the subject of the move came up, naturally this outstanding money came up in my head as a worry. How can i trust him fully with moving in if he borrowed money and didn't pay it back? He clearly has a lot of money from his lifestyle and job. He exploded when i mentioned the money. I didn't get a chance to explain, he asked me to leave and after a text exchange he said he will send the money and cut ties..... Im really upset that despite everything i trusted him, and HE has ended things....when i feel he is in the wrong....surely he could have paid up without me having to ask so many times...particularly as he has the money... now im in a position where he has dumped me, yet im in the wrong. im confused (not about being dumped) but his reaction and anger. I trusted him but surely i shouldn't be expected to overlook money in a crisis? He is offended (and looked hurt) that i didn't trust him... (i haven't got the money yet - but he texted to say i will get it....) he has said this several times....so i have written it off in my head. We shared a lot of time together and got along well....
d0nnivain Posted July 21, 2020 Posted July 21, 2020 You think he has money but you don't know that. I suspect he runs these scams on lots of people. He only took you for about $1400 ($900 + $600 - $190) Going forward never talk about living together with somebody until you have dated for at least 1 year. You two were only together 5 months & most of that was probably apart. Way too premature. You dodged a bullet 10
Author Remi5 Posted July 21, 2020 Author Posted July 21, 2020 Just now, d0nnivain said: You dodged a bullet thanks. It was the way he didn't let me explain. He has money, i have seen his paperwork and stayed over. Thats why it doesn't seem like a pure scam. He also paid for food, holiday and brought me gifts too. Was I right to bring this up?
d0nnivain Posted July 21, 2020 Posted July 21, 2020 Of course. You loaned him money with the expectation of getting it back. When it wasn't repaid & you got excuse after excuse, you would have betrayed yourself if you didn't mention it. Money destroys more relationships then any other subject, including cheating. 6
balletomane Posted July 21, 2020 Posted July 21, 2020 (edited) He scammed you. I'm sorry, OP, but I think you may have to write that money off. Let it be a lesson for the future: don't spend that kind of money on someone you've only just met. From the sounds of it, you handed over the $900 in the first month of dating. It's a lot of money and no one honest or reasonable would ask for it on such a short acquaintance. No one honest or reasonable would accept it even if you were to offer. He probably paid for that weekend with money he conned out of somebody else, and now he's got it all back and some besides. It stings, but count yourself lucky the losses weren't greater. Edited July 21, 2020 by balletomane 7
smackie9 Posted July 21, 2020 Posted July 21, 2020 (edited) You got totally duped by a con artist. When I see family deaths, etc oh I don't have the money because of work messing up my pay blah blah blah...it's a scam. A total scam. Tip: never ever lend money. I watch a 3 show series of people who get scammed (Dr. Phil). The biggest one is when there is death, sickness, and a need for hospital bills to be paid. They get your trust by buying you something or paying for an extravagant date to make you think they have money. They even have forged documents that show they have money....it was all a set up. And guess what...where do you think he got the money for your dates? from other women he scammed. Tip of the day: people with money, never have to borrow money. Edited July 21, 2020 by smackie9 10
Ruby Slippers Posted July 21, 2020 Posted July 21, 2020 I'll never understand why people loan people they're dating money. I hope you learned a lesson and never loan a boyfriend money again. 3
Author Remi5 Posted July 21, 2020 Author Posted July 21, 2020 2 minutes ago, smackie9 said: You got totally duped by a con artist. When I see family deaths, etc oh I don't have the money because of work messing up my pay blah blah blah...it's a scam. A total scam. Tip: never ever lend money. I watch a 3 show series of people who get scammed. The biggest one is when there is death, sickness, and a need for hospital bills to be paid. They get your trust by buying you something or paying for an extravagant date to make you think they have money. Tip of the day: people with money, never have to borrow money. Yes - I see that now. It’s a comfort in a way because I was hurting over the time we spent together. I should hurt over the money not him. Lesson learnt. i feel stupid but I saved myself from being more stupid. 2
poppyfields Posted July 21, 2020 Posted July 21, 2020 (edited) Stop caring what this manipulating a-**** thinks, he's a thief! And he's gaslighting you to avoid having to pay you back what he rightfully owes you. And you're falling for it. Why? Why are you feeling guilty when HE is the one who is essentially a thief and refusing to pay you back? Do your texts indicate he said he would pay you back? The fact he paid you a small portion is a good thing as it proves it was not a gift. If me, I'd file a claim in small claims court, guy is a thief and most likely a con artist and done this to many. I'm sorry this happened! Lesson learned, don't lend money to boyfriends. Edited July 21, 2020 by poppyfields 6
smackie9 Posted July 21, 2020 Posted July 21, 2020 Just now, Remi5 said: Yes - I see that now. It’s a comfort in a way because I was hurting over the time we spent together. I should hurt over the money not him. Lesson learnt. i feel stupid but I saved myself from being more stupid. You can thank your own gut instinct. You and millions of other have gone through the same thing. I'm glad you got out of it in time. There are others that lost their life savings and have to start over.
Author Remi5 Posted July 21, 2020 Author Posted July 21, 2020 Why would he give back some of the money if he was a scammer?
Andy_K Posted July 21, 2020 Posted July 21, 2020 12 minutes ago, Remi5 said: Why would he give back some of the money if he was a scammer? So you'll stop asking about the rest and perhaps loan him more in future. You aren't getting all your money back. 4
SumGuy Posted July 21, 2020 Posted July 21, 2020 10 minutes ago, Remi5 said: Why would he give back some of the money if he was a scammer? To keep you happy and also he still made a net profit. Giving back "some" money is at the very heart of a Ponzi scheme for example. There is a certain group of people with money who avoid paying back their debts at all costs, using any and all tricks and lies, they will nickel and dime everyone, maybe one reason they have so much money. 6
Wiseman2 Posted July 21, 2020 Posted July 21, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, Remi5 said: It was $900. He assured me a day i would get it back . He reluctantly only gave me $190 cash (4 months later). Excellent. That proves it was a loan, not a gift when you take him to small claims court. You dodged a bullet. Edited July 21, 2020 by Wiseman2 2
poppyfields Posted July 21, 2020 Posted July 21, 2020 14 minutes ago, Remi5 said: Why would he give back some of the money if he was a scammer? To give the appearance he is not a scammer. Turn it around, if he isn't a scammer, why is he refusing to pay you back and making you feel guilty for expecting him to pay you back, like he said he would?
Author Remi5 Posted July 21, 2020 Author Posted July 21, 2020 Yes. It’s the total lack of responsibility/ownership of not paying it back. he did say I haven’t asked you for a penny (he paid for dinners etc). i know it’s totally over - I just feel angry at myself for this & at him for dismissing me. My gut gut was right. i deserve better. 2
balletomane Posted July 21, 2020 Posted July 21, 2020 22 minutes ago, Remi5 said: Why would he give back some of the money if he was a scammer? My stepbrother stole at least £10,000 from his girlfriend. He bought a car in her name, had his phone in her name, had her paying for groceries for his kids that he told her he couldn't afford, and asked to 'borrow' some of her savings to help set up a business. It was all lies. He has a good salary of his own. But she overlooked that because he would buy her gifts and talk about marriage. That was enough to keep her from registering the scam. Scammers will try to lull you into a false sense of security by gifts, partial repayments, and all sorts of excuses. This guy dumped you because he could see you were onto him and it was no longer working. 5
regine_phalange Posted July 21, 2020 Posted July 21, 2020 You reminded me one of my least proud moments. I lent $$ to a starving artist ex to buy an expensive software, and of course he never gave it back. When I asked him after the breakup, he acted as if I was a very low person to ask for that money back! And I wasn't rich by any means. I was very young and naive. I have come to my senses now (It's been 10 years from that event) and very much prefer a proud man now. And I got one that pesters me to pay MY medical bills (<3). Anyway. That's not a nice person you got there. I mean, decent people would be so embarassed and guilty if they couldn't pay back soon. The least he could do would be to apologise sincerely for not giving you your money back and try to repay at least small amounts more often. Even 20$ a week would add up. You definitely deserve better!! 1 1
Author Remi5 Posted July 21, 2020 Author Posted July 21, 2020 Yes that would explain his sudden abruptness. It just seems a lot of effort for money (we talk a lot, I stayed over, he took me to his office etc). I used to go on a of dates but stopped because I was seeing him. I realize now I had a better time on those first dates then with him as it was carefree.
Author Remi5 Posted July 21, 2020 Author Posted July 21, 2020 Also, why on earth am I thinking of explaining myself (apologising) to him... i won’t but this is what they do manipulate and make you doubt yourself. I’m an intelligent woman and he still got around me. its a shame. 2
ExpatInItaly Posted July 21, 2020 Posted July 21, 2020 (edited) 2 hours ago, Remi5 said: thanks. It was the way he didn't let me explain. He has money, i have seen his paperwork and stayed over. What paperwork did you see? Your mistake was trusting a guy you hardly knew, and forking over money to begin with. As the other posters have already pointed out, he more than likely has done with this with plenty of other people in his life. He doesn't have the money you think he does. A bounced cheque and millions of excuses to not give it back are your clue. The smartphone scam was just that. A scam. There never was a smartphone coming your way. He could easily have swindled other women out of the money he used to take you on vacation with, too. I don't believe for a hot minute you went on vacation on his dime, and his alone - that was probably at least partly (unwittingly) funded by someone else. You seem kind, but too trusting. You're not going to see the rest of your money, but take it as an investment in an important life lesson. Edited July 21, 2020 by ExpatInItaly 2
Ruby Slippers Posted July 21, 2020 Posted July 21, 2020 I think some people just enjoy these games of manipulation and exploitation. Be thankful he didn't con you out of more. Clearly, you were susceptible. Never in a million years would I loan a boyfriend money or ask him to loan me money. I'd rather work 16 hours a day than do that. I'd lose massive respect for a man who would even ask. Of course, I have other weak points. Just loaning/borrowing money inappropriately isn't one of them. 1
kendahke Posted July 21, 2020 Posted July 21, 2020 (edited) 2 hours ago, Remi5 said: It was $900. another $600 He reluctantly only gave me $190 cash He's never had any intention on paying you back your money. Quote He exploded when i mentioned the money. The guilty always make the most noise. He lashed out because that's how he keeps you managed--it throws the focus off of him stealing your money and onto you for daring to question his "integrity". He has none. Consider that $1500 lost to the ether... it was an expensive lesson in loaning people money without a signed contract. Also, don't be so quick to believe he's flush with money. People who are flush with money don't borrow chump change and their hair doesn't ignite into a inferno when they are asked to pay said chump change back. What you saw were most likely cooked books. Edited July 21, 2020 by kendahke 5
kendahke Posted July 21, 2020 Posted July 21, 2020 1 hour ago, Remi5 said: Why would he give back some of the money if he was a scammer? To keep you from calling the IRS on him
regine_phalange Posted July 21, 2020 Posted July 21, 2020 (edited) 51 minutes ago, Remi5 said: Yes that would explain his sudden abruptness. It just seems a lot of effort for money (we talk a lot, I stayed over, he took me to his office etc). I used to go on a of dates but stopped because I was seeing him. I realize now I had a better time on those first dates then with him as it was carefree. Don't bring down and underestimate yourself so much, I'm sure he got so much more out of it, in addition to the $$. Free access to your body, someone to talk to and someone to lean for support. Sorry if I make it sound very transactional, but I think this kind of people unfortunately operate and think that way. Not your fault. You deserve so much better indeed. Edited July 21, 2020 by regine_phalange
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