michelana Posted July 20, 2020 Posted July 20, 2020 Hello guys My boyfriend has asked me many times to do lap dance for him, but I kept telling him "next time" and still didn't do it because I wasn't feeling sexy enough and not feeling comfortable with myself and my body (I want to mention that I have low self-esteem). Yesterday he got angry because he said that he has asked me something he really wants and I didn't do it. Even that I didn't want to, I told him that I didn't feel comfortable and sexy with myself (He knows by the way that I havw had before low self esteem). I told him that I know I'm wrong, because he might ask somone else to do that. Then he said that he is not happy with me, " Yes, I will ask someone else to do it, I won't cheat on you, I won't kiss anyone, I'll just go to a strip club and pay someone to dance." He said "I have asked you many times to do that and you did nothing, I don't want it anymore. Even if you don't find yourself sexy, to me you are sexy, but if you don't do this for you boyfriend so I can't expect bigger things." He also thinks that I might be cheating and that is why I don't want to do it for him. I don't know what to do. I feel terrible that I told him in some way that I don't feel sexy but I had to. And I also don't know how to do the lap dance for him while I don't like myself. I feel like I'd look stupid dancing that way, just because of insecurity.
d0nnivain Posted July 20, 2020 Posted July 20, 2020 Sometimes stepping out of your comfort zone to try something new is a good thing. You may develop more confidence when you see how sexy he thinks you are. It can be liberating to see yourself through his eyes. That said, he should not pressure you. If he really loved you, he'd be more sensitive to your feelings. Maybe as a baby step, try dancing sexy when you are all alone to get your body used to the movements. Next step, dirty dance / grind with him. Then work your way up to performing for him. I'm not crazy about the mild threats he made. Those weren't loving statements. 2
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted July 20, 2020 Posted July 20, 2020 I agree with everything Donnivain said. And I'd also add you are the only one in charge of your own body, not him. You make the decisions. Don't let him shame you into doing something that makes you feel uncomfortable. 1
smackie9 Posted July 20, 2020 Posted July 20, 2020 Your BF is a jerk. It's pretty obvious you are uncomfortable about it, and he's being insensitive. If I had a BF like this I would kick him to the curb for acting like a miserable child. He's threatening you, making you feel bad...which is only exasperating your insecurity. Find a new BF that has more compassion. 10
mark clemson Posted July 20, 2020 Posted July 20, 2020 Is he fairly young? Men can get quite huffy when they feel sexually frustrated. I think he needs to recognize that different people like different things and not everyone likes everything. He's acting like you're depriving him of affection and sex - but that's not at all what you're doing. There's just specific things you're not comfortable with. For many of us there's no one out there who'd be interested in fulfilling ALL of our fantasies/things we'd like to try. It sounds like he needs to grow up and realize that a successful LTR is about mutual respect and he needs to respect what you can and can't give him right now. You're a woman, not a porn-fantasy dispenser. 2
FMW Posted July 20, 2020 Posted July 20, 2020 I agree with smackie, he's a jerk. You should never feel pressured to do something you're not comfortable with. Stretching your boundaries is a good thing if YOU want to do it, not to try and please someone else. Honestly, if he wasn't being a jerk about it you might have become comfortable with it on your own, but he didn't give you that opportunity. 2
Author michelana Posted July 20, 2020 Author Posted July 20, 2020 (edited) 30 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: Sometimes stepping out of your comfort zone to try something new is a good thing. You may develop more confidence when you see how sexy he thinks you are. It can be liberating to see yourself through his eyes. That said, he should not pressure you. If he really loved you, he'd be more sensitive to your feelings. Maybe as a baby step, try dancing sexy when you are all alone to get your body used to the movements. Next step, dirty dance / grind with him. Then work your way up to performing for him. I'm not crazy about the mild threats he made. Those weren't loving statements. He also thinks that I'm not passionate and sometimes he thinks that I flirt with others. I want to mention that this is a long distance relationship and sometimes I think that maybe these little things are important to keep the relationship alive. He said "You have never asked me to do anything for you". This is also my first relationship and there are a lot of things I don't know how to do, what to ask, what to expect etc. And when I ask him, he says it should come naturally, I don't have anything to say. I can't teach you. I understood in the beginning, but know that it is more than a year together, you have to so something yourself. I also didn't talk much about my insecurity because I don't want him to know about that. I think that a man wouldn't like an insecure partner. I don't show it through my actions so that he can understand that I'm not comfortable. I don't want to show it at all. Edited July 20, 2020 by michelana
Ruby Slippers Posted July 20, 2020 Posted July 20, 2020 It's beyond wrong of him to threaten to pay a stripper/sex worker/essentially a prostitute to provide this experience because you're not comfortable with it. He's too selfish and immature to understand that if he took a more loving approach, appreciating you, complimenting you, and building you up, in time you'd likely grow more confident and more inclined to indulge this kind of fantasy. But you obviously have a self-esteem problem since you say you're "wrong" not to let yourself be pressured into this. You're not wrong to listen to your inner voice and decline to do what feels bad to you. That is 100% right. I broke up with someone with abusive tendencies 6 weeks ago, and now that I'm through the initial sadness, I'm reflecting on my part in it all. Every relationship we have is a co-creation. It takes two to tango. We tend to attract not only the things we want, but things we don't want that will test us and spur us to grow. I get the impression you're subconsciously attracted this kind of man to test your self-esteem. If you stay in your low self-esteem, weak state, you'll either give in to his pressure or accept his threats and turn a blind eye. If you manage to get your back up and gain some self-esteem, you'll tell him you're not comfortable, not ready, and you don't accept the threatening behavior. This will probably make him mad and lead to a breakup. You really don't need a man like this in your life. It's possible that once you put distance between you, he'll evolve and grow, apologize and improve as a man. If not - and I wouldn't count on it - you're better off moving on. Finally, talk to your mom or girlfriends about this - or even a male family member or friend you trust. Anybody who cares about you will agree this guy is bad news. 3 1
Author michelana Posted July 20, 2020 Author Posted July 20, 2020 14 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said: It's beyond wrong of him to threaten to pay a stripper/sex worker/essentially a prostitute to provide this experience because you're not comfortable with it. He's too selfish and immature to understand that if he took a more loving approach, appreciating you, complimenting you, and building you up, in time you'd likely grow more confident and more inclined to indulge this kind of fantasy. But you obviously have a self-esteem problem since you say you're "wrong" not to let yourself be pressured into this. You're not wrong to listen to your inner voice and decline to do what feels bad to you. That is 100% right. I broke up with someone with abusive tendencies 6 weeks ago, and now that I'm through the initial sadness, I'm reflecting on my part in it all. Every relationship we have is a co-creation. It takes two to tango. We tend to attract not only the things we want, but things we don't want that will test us and spur us to grow. I get the impression you're subconsciously attracted this kind of man to test your self-esteem. If you stay in your low self-esteem, weak state, you'll either give in to his pressure or accept his threats and turn a blind eye. If you manage to get your back up and gain some self-esteem, you'll tell him you're not comfortable, not ready, and you don't accept the threatening behavior. This will probably make him mad and lead to a breakup. You really don't need a man like this in your life. It's possible that once you put distance between you, he'll evolve and grow, apologize and improve as a man. If not - and I wouldn't count on it - you're better off moving on. Finally, talk to your mom or girlfriends about this - or even a male family member or friend you trust. Anybody who cares about you will agree this guy is bad news. As I mentioned he doesn't know that I have real self esteem problems because I don't show it and what makes it worse I don't want to talk to him about it because I think I would look weak and probably he will really start doubting my appearance. Me personally, wouldn't be attracted to a guy who has low self esteem and doesn't like himself.
Ruby Slippers Posted July 20, 2020 Posted July 20, 2020 (edited) I think it shows that your self-esteem is improving that you're not giving in to this. It's not weak to decline to do what feels so wrong and uncomfortable. What he's doing is not loving - it's toxic. Deep down, I think you know this. Edited July 20, 2020 by Ruby Slippers 1 1
basil67 Posted July 20, 2020 Posted July 20, 2020 Michelana, your boyfriend is a knob. If he uses guilt and coersion to get you to do something sexual which you don't want to do, I can't help but wonder what else he does which makes you feel bad. Outside of this, how's the rest of your relationship? 2
Author michelana Posted July 20, 2020 Author Posted July 20, 2020 5 minutes ago, basil67 said: Michelana, your boyfriend is a knob. If he uses guilt and coersion to get you to do something sexual which you don't want to do, I can't help but wonder what else he does which makes you feel bad. Outside of this, how's the rest of your relationship? He is jealous. He thinks I flirt a lot with others and that makes him angry. That's the common reason of our arguments. Apart from that he is lovely and proud to show up with me in public. He is kind to me especially in public and in front of his friends which I appreciate. He wants me to be in his family dinners even though my parents don't know about our relationship. Deep down I believe he loves me because this is his longest relationship and he is also not the type of guy who would stick with somone without loving her and above all a long distance relationship
ShyViolet Posted July 20, 2020 Posted July 20, 2020 Getting angry at you for not doing it? He's a complete jerk. I would absolutely dump someone if they acted this way towards me. 1
poppyfields Posted July 20, 2020 Posted July 20, 2020 You said this is a long distance relationship, does he want you to lap dance on Skype or send him a video? Have you ever met in person? Agree with others, he's a manipulative controlling ass****. And Google gaslighting, which is what he's doing. Take care of you! 2
Author michelana Posted July 20, 2020 Author Posted July 20, 2020 14 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said: I think it shows that your self-esteem is improving that you're not giving in to this. It's not weak to decline to do what feels so wrong and uncomfortable. What he's doing is not loving - it's toxic. Deep down, I think you know this. But I don't know if I should talk to him about it or not. Should I tell him that I'm not comfortable and the real reason why I'm not
Author michelana Posted July 20, 2020 Author Posted July 20, 2020 (edited) 2 minutes ago, poppyfields said: You said this is a long distance relationship, does he want you to lap dance on Skype or send him a video? Have you ever met in person? Agree with others, he's a manipulative controlling ass****. And Google gaslighting, which is what he's doing. Take care of you! He wants me to do it in person. Yes I have met him in person. Edited July 20, 2020 by michelana
Velvet teddy Posted July 20, 2020 Posted July 20, 2020 (edited) 21 minutes ago, michelana said: He is jealous. He thinks I flirt a lot with others and that makes him angry. That's the common reason of our arguments. Apart from that he is lovely and proud to show up with me in public. He is kind to me especially in public and in front of his friends which I appreciate. He wants me to be in his family dinners even though my parents don't know about our relationship. Deep down I believe he loves me because this is his longest relationship and he is also not the type of guy who would stick with somone without loving her and above all a long distance relationship Yeah he's all lovely and that in front of others. But he treats you poorly behind closed doors. And i agree with everyone else. His comments were unnecessary. If i was in your position, i would leave him behind and look for someone more worthy. Edited July 20, 2020 by Velvet teddy 2
basil67 Posted July 20, 2020 Posted July 20, 2020 33 minutes ago, michelana said: But I don't know if I should talk to him about it or not. Should I tell him that I'm not comfortable and the real reason why I'm not When a partner is loving and supportive, we can tell them how we feel. But this guy isn't those things, so don't let him know how you feel - he will only dismiss your feelings and make you feel even more unworthy. And yes, treating you well in front of others but not when you're alone is classic abusive behaviour. 3
Realitysux Posted July 21, 2020 Posted July 21, 2020 37 minutes ago, michelana said: He wants me to do it in person. Yes I have met him in person. You can't force this on anyone so don't do it. I on the other hand have fantasies of doing it myself and I'm sure I'm not the only one. You could take a lesson and do it for a man more worthy. With his behavior, I wouldn't do it for him ever 1
Ruby Slippers Posted July 21, 2020 Posted July 21, 2020 I agree with @basil67 there's a good chance he'll just dismiss your feelings. I'd still be inclined to tell him how I feel, simply as an exercise in being true to yourself and expressing your honest feelings. Personally, I'd also let him know it's not acceptable to threaten to pay a pro as a manipulation tactic. Be prepared for the possibility of a negative reaction. 2
deepthinking Posted July 21, 2020 Posted July 21, 2020 (edited) I see a red flag - does he really equate you, his girlfriend, with a stranger in a bar? Like you are interchangeable? If you wanted to be a lap-dancer you'd be one by now. Edited July 21, 2020 by deepthinking 3
regine_phalange Posted July 21, 2020 Posted July 21, 2020 Wow. He literally cheapened the relationship by saying these things. No wonder you feel uncomfortable and self-conscious! I would not even hop scotch in front of him. 2
ExpatInItaly Posted July 21, 2020 Posted July 21, 2020 He's a complete tool, OP. Threatening to pay a stripper to give him a lap dance, and accusing you of flirting and cheating? BOY, bye. 2
Blind-Sided Posted July 21, 2020 Posted July 21, 2020 13 hours ago, michelana said: My boyfriend has asked me many times to do lap dance for him, but I kept telling him "next time" ... still didn't do it....... Then he said that he is not happy with me, " Yes, I will ask someone else to do it, I won't cheat on you, I won't kiss anyone, I'll just go to a strip club and pay someone to dance." He said "I have asked you many times to do that and you did nothing, I don't want it anymore. Even if you don't find yourself sexy, to me you are sexy, but if you don't do this for you boyfriend so I can't expect bigger things." And I also don't know how to do the lap dance for him while I don't like myself. I feel like I'd look stupid dancing that way, just because of insecurity. OK.... this is just a mess, and you are both in the wrong !!!!!!!!! First... you are in the wrong by saying "Next time." I don't know how many times you have told him that... but in his mind... it's going to happen, but then you turn him down. This REALLY sux... on many levels. And honestly... this WILL bring up trust issues. Sure, in your mind, you are saying something to sidestep it... but in his mind, you are lying about the situation. Right or wrong... that's what he feels, and each time is another level of trust lost. You should have just said the TRUTH the very first time. If you aren't comfortable... that's what you should have said !! Second... he is VERY wrong saying he will go to a club and pay for it, and trying to guilt you into something you don't like. If I had someone say that to me... that would be the end of the relationship. PERIOD! But to his comment... it doesn't matter if you have a body image issue, because he likes the way you look. That fact alone should help you feel "Sexy". Not to mention, this is private act, and he is the only person who you are there for. (right?) As far as not knowing how... well... I'm guessing a 2 minute internet search will get you some instruction. I'm not sure where you should go from here... but honestly... you two should go your separate ways.
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