Velvet teddy Posted July 21, 2020 Posted July 21, 2020 2 minutes ago, MeganM2020 said: No, we have been sexual on a couple of occasions, and we've had multiple opportunities, but he has said as much as he wants to, he's afraid his feelings would get too strong again.. which is the reason for the flakyness at the beginning of our friendship. It's pretty much settled now, the main thing I complain about is why I always have to call him. So he didnt care about taking things slow when it came to being sexual with you. Right
Author MeganM2020 Posted July 21, 2020 Author Posted July 21, 2020 1 minute ago, Velvet teddy said: So he didnt care about taking things slow when it came to being sexual with you. Right oh, no, he did... it was topic of some LONG conversations, and mostly, to be honest, I was the initiator,
Versacehottie Posted July 21, 2020 Posted July 21, 2020 Just now, MeganM2020 said: I do, and if it isnt him, it isnt him, but again, my roadblock is how to deal with letting go of someone you put time into.. make sense? Ok, here's the quick answer on that: it's "sunk cost ". You can google it but it's basically applies in a lot of behavioral stuff and is exactly what you are saying. That you feel like you've invested so you don't want to walk away. (also loss aversion applies). I would say perhaps concentrate on time. Stop believing that somehow this is "fated" and you just need to do a little more to get him to come your way fully. Start looking that the reality that it will not work out with the inputs you have both been putting in. Or simply that it will not work out or that you don't know but the inputs you are getting now from him or the relationship don't work for you. THEN, you will see TIME just on its own and realize that you are wasting time or sinking more of your valuable time into something that won't work out. You time will be better spent recovering from this and applying it to meet a new great guy. That's why I give you the example that whichever truth of what's going on with him, leads YOU to the same answer that you must pull back/cut him off because that is the best use of your time to get the outcome you want. It's like a flow chart (lol in my mind at least). It's how you can best optimize your time to get the outcome you want. Ironically in the case with him, due to the circumstances, your solution is the same even if you end up with him or if you don't. Pull back/cut him off--it's the best chance of getting him or finding someone else. Also with TIME, look at it like this. You can waste another year on the status quo at which time you finally give up or he has a new girlfriend (or comes clean about someone he already has) and then you will need to recover and find a new crush and date that guy (hopefully it works out but could take longer if you have to cycle through a few guys). OR you can do that now. That's why I say you know what you need to know. It's time to do what might be a little hard but provides you with your best chance at happiness and the outcome you want. Harder in the short run but easier in the long run. Won't it suck to have the regret of wasting more of your time on this guy (as he is)? 1 1
Versacehottie Posted July 21, 2020 Posted July 21, 2020 9 minutes ago, MeganM2020 said: No, we have been sexual on a couple of occasions, and we've had multiple opportunities, but he has said as much as he wants to, he's afraid his feelings would get too strong again.. which is the reason for the flakyness at the beginning of our friendship. It's pretty much settled now, the main thing I complain about is why I always have to call him. AND AGAIN, this is why I get confused, because I dont feel he is "using" me, or we'd be sleeping together now, lol but he is afraid of his feelings.. or so he says.. who know. I 100% believe he is blowing smoke!!! 1
Velvet teddy Posted July 21, 2020 Posted July 21, 2020 11 minutes ago, MeganM2020 said: I do, and if it isnt him, it isnt him, but again, my roadblock is how to deal with letting go of someone you put time into.. make sense? It does make sense. But you have to think of yourself. Since he isnt? If he wants you he knows where to find you. But it can't be all half hearted and wishy washy from him. You have to want and expect a lot more from him. Since he is leaving you in a permanent state of confusion, best thing for you is to take a step back. 1
Versacehottie Posted July 21, 2020 Posted July 21, 2020 3 minutes ago, MeganM2020 said: oh, no, he did... it was topic of some LONG conversations, and mostly, to be honest, I was the initiator, So again, I think you are doing all the work as Velvet T said. Even when it came to that & he's holding you off from more of that. Hmmmm, that sounds like he is more into your friendship than a relationship with you. It doesn't mean you are unattractive to him but for some reason you are not what he wants as a girlfriend. Could mean just now or in general. 1
Author MeganM2020 Posted July 21, 2020 Author Posted July 21, 2020 2 minutes ago, Versacehottie said: So again, I think you are doing all the work as Velvet T said. Even when it came to that & he's holding you off from more of that. Hmmmm, that sounds like he is more into your friendship than a relationship with you. It doesn't mean you are unattractive to him but for some reason you are not what he wants as a girlfriend. Could mean just now or in general. Yeah, I suppose. I guess I should at least look at the bright side and hope he truly cares about me as his good friend. Even if he doesnt want more.
Velvet teddy Posted July 21, 2020 Posted July 21, 2020 (edited) 9 minutes ago, MeganM2020 said: Yeah, I suppose. I guess I should at least look at the bright side and hope he truly cares about me as his good friend. Even if he doesnt want more. Dont stick Around waiting and hoping. I know of a woman in a similar situation. She was stuck on the guy for ten years. They were friends. He always came out with all sorts of lines which kept her hanging on. But ultimately not giving her what she longed for. Instead surprising her one day with "you should meet my new girlfriend". You can imagine this upset her greatly. So i will repeat myself in saying, take a step back, a Huge one. Edited July 21, 2020 by Velvet teddy 1
Versacehottie Posted July 21, 2020 Posted July 21, 2020 27 minutes ago, MeganM2020 said: Thank you so much for this very paragraph. I think you are right, In hindsight, I do try harder and I do invest more of my time and thoughts than he does to me, so youre right. I should just stop calling him, try to learn to live without his friendship and see what happens. Ive actually wanted this very thing, but Ive invested so much for over a year, it feels hard to let go. And when I do stop calling him, within a few days, I get a call to talk, or a call to just ask a pretty dumb work related legal question, even though he's law enforcement, so Im not dumb, but those are the times I give in, because then it leads me to believe he is trying.. and if I just dont answer his calls, i feel like a b****. I guess at this point, I dont know how to be "organic" unless its just letting him do the chasing now. Once, during one of our conversations of why I always have to do the damn initiating calls, and making me feel like hes being obligated.. he said, I know if I want to talk and I wait, you will call me. stupid huh? You"re welcome, and YES! You've over invested and that's why people on this forum caution against it, You want to be on the same page, more even with someone, balanced and that actions match words. THAT is your protection against getting in too deep without getting what you want. You can't care so much and you have to be self-reliant in that you will find someone else cause you are great. There's an element of hanging in there that makes me believe you don't know or believe in your worth or are not maximizing other dating opportunities, therefore have given this guy a higher position and priority in your life than he warrants. I hate to be on stereotypes but if he's in law enforcement, the stereotypes as it relates to possible problems with wanting to fully be with you: he is even more so into ego boosts than the average guy; he has another relationship. Well you can act like a b*tch. He kind of rejected you really. Ok well maybe not a b*tch just take some space to put yourself first. You can even tell him that. Stop worrying about his organic agenda or any of his agendas and start working on your own agenda which is to make yourself shored up with good healthy self esteem to not worry what he thinks and do what you need for yourself to feel whole & appreciated & to be more attractive to whoever. You shouldn't have to chase him. Just refocus on yourself--your best investment--and let the chips fall where they may. He is stringing you along and it's insulting and humiliating. If I feel mad for you, you should feel angry about it, right? 1 1
Versacehottie Posted July 21, 2020 Posted July 21, 2020 8 minutes ago, MeganM2020 said: Yeah, I suppose. I guess I should at least look at the bright side and hope he truly cares about me as his good friend. Even if he doesnt want more. But why are you setting the bar so low. It's great that you are a friend of course but he's been purposely misleading you for his benefit. I doubt it's evil and he probably thinks on some level that you can manage your feelings. On the other level, like you said, outta sight, outta mind, he's probably not thinking. If you are meant to be friends, you can do that once you don't care anymore. Right now this is about setting your bar HIGHER, getting you back to a good place emotionally so you can have what you want with some great guy who appreciates you. You gotta put yourself first.
Author MeganM2020 Posted July 21, 2020 Author Posted July 21, 2020 (edited) 7 minutes ago, Versacehottie said: But why are you setting the bar so low. It's great that you are a friend of course but he's been purposely misleading you for his benefit. I doubt it's evil and he probably thinks on some level that you can manage your feelings. On the other level, like you said, outta sight, outta mind, he's probably not thinking. If you are meant to be friends, you can do that once you don't care anymore. Right now this is about setting your bar HIGHER, getting you back to a good place emotionally so you can have what you want with some great guy who appreciates you. You gotta put yourself first. Thank you I sincerely appreciate all your advice. I dont usually come to these things. I do alot of reading online about it, but I dont ask on forums lol so thanks for the good experience with this. I have stopped calling him, but to see if he "misses me" and when he calls, in my mind its confirmation.. so I will just try to learn how to do that and not get upset if he doesnt call me. Im always afraid if I go too long, he will just forget about me. thats what I need to learn. To use it as MY benefit, not to play games. Is the only way to get out of my over investment then to just try to limit or cut off contact? silly, I know.. lol Edited July 21, 2020 by MeganM2020 adding
SumGuy Posted July 21, 2020 Posted July 21, 2020 46 minutes ago, MeganM2020 said: No, we have been sexual on a couple of occasions, and we've had multiple opportunities, but he has said as much as he wants to, he's afraid his feelings would get too strong again.. which is the reason for the flakyness at the beginning of our friendship. It's pretty much settled now, the main thing I complain about is why I always have to call him. AND AGAIN, this is why I get confused, because I dont feel he is "using" me, or we'd be sleeping together now, lol but he is afraid of his feelings.. or so he says.. who know. Sounds like you are in the gray zone between friends and lovers. More importantly he sounds like he has serious trouble with his emotional response to relationships, very avoidant. He basically doesn't have his head together or really know what he wants...and his subconscious is really messing with him on this one. He has these wonderful strong feelings but doesn't want them, why? Why not? What is he afraid of, what is the worse case scenario...you break up? Or does he have more serious mental issues from his past or going on? I'm incredibly surprised no one asked how old he is. This kind of indecision and unknowing behavior is pretty typical of the young and/or inexperienced and/or those who had a dysfunctional home. Nevertheless it gets tiring no matter the source. I wouldn't wait for him to just get it, maybe some more discussion; otherwise better to look for someone who knows what they want in a relationship. 1
Versacehottie Posted July 21, 2020 Posted July 21, 2020 Well like any bad habit. You have to stop the behavior and REPLACE the behavior. Even though you weren't dating, I think you hoped to and he occupied a huge part in your brain so you could treat it like a break up. In which case, I would recommend filling each day up with things that keep you busy and have things to look forward to. Even if it's small self-care things, have the day/week planned out. Also you've got to put the hope and "test" of will he call out of your mind. I think a kick the can down the road thing is good, ie "you will deal with it if and when it happens". You've got to take active steps to replace the thoughts about him that take up so much space in your mind with other things. I think you should actively try to date. If it's not something you can do for a month while you recover a bit, then prepare for that eventuality with self-care (body, hair, clothes, mindset). He won't forget about you. Likely you will blow his mind because his head will be spinning with "what did he do" "what does he need to do better to be enough". Lol, one of my friends is so good at this and has a term for it. OMG we laugh. If you are dealing with a cocky guy (again, law enforcement stereotype) and he probably is cocky just alone cause you are a source of unchallenged admiration club of him!! anyway if you are dealing with this type of guy, don't underestimate your power. Listen if you look at it--the ego boost is what he gets from this relationship and wants to get--it's the one part of the status quo that he does not change, ie it's really what he wants the most. He will definitely take notice if he is no longer getting that. Watch his calls for seemingly work related questions increase! Secondly, you are getting very little from these interactions, as the giver, you will not miss much. Have to be careful that you are not overly attached (or limerence with this guy) which i am worried about for you, otherwise you will build up this whole thing in your head about him and live through that and turn what you are doing into a tactic to get him interested when first and foremost it's to put you on the track to get what you want by setting a standard that you find acceptable. I think there is no way around limiting contact or cutting off contact. Mainly because of the way you've spoken about him here like he's more important in your life than you are & it's sounding a little desperate TBH. My friend that I gave the example of that kept contact with the guy she is now with & worked with and was friendly with him. Is a natural at detaching and was actively dating other guys and has super healthy self esteem--unless you are in that place yourself, I think you should limit or cut off contact. You can't be scared that you will lose him--that's exactly why you've ended up in this predicament. Act as if (or hopefully become as if) you don't give AF if you lose him. Let's be real, it's not the friendship you think it is anyway. It's you boosting his ego, him dangling a carrot of a possible relationship & you hoping it will happen---cloaked in the title of a friendship. Where you do all the work & he does very little and it's chipping away at your self-esteem and your belief that this is good enough for you or that you could be with someone else. I would spend your time bolstering your belief that you can and will find someone else. 1
Author MeganM2020 Posted July 21, 2020 Author Posted July 21, 2020 18 minutes ago, Versacehottie said: Well like any bad habit. You have to stop the behavior and REPLACE the behavior. Even though you weren't dating, I think you hoped to and he occupied a huge part in your brain so you could treat it like a break up. In which case, I would recommend filling each day up with things that keep you busy and have things to look forward to. Even if it's small self-care things, have the day/week planned out. Also you've got to put the hope and "test" of will he call out of your mind. I think a kick the can down the road thing is good, ie "you will deal with it if and when it happens". You've got to take active steps to replace the thoughts about him that take up so much space in your mind with other things. I think you should actively try to date. If it's not something you can do for a month while you recover a bit, then prepare for that eventuality with self-care (body, hair, clothes, mindset). He won't forget about you. Likely you will blow his mind because his head will be spinning with "what did he do" "what does he need to do better to be enough". Lol, one of my friends is so good at this and has a term for it. OMG we laugh. If you are dealing with a cocky guy (again, law enforcement stereotype) and he probably is cocky just alone cause you are a source of unchallenged admiration club of him!! anyway if you are dealing with this type of guy, don't underestimate your power. Listen if you look at it--the ego boost is what he gets from this relationship and wants to get--it's the one part of the status quo that he does not change, ie it's really what he wants the most. He will definitely take notice if he is no longer getting that. Watch his calls for seemingly work related questions increase! Secondly, you are getting very little from these interactions, as the giver, you will not miss much. Have to be careful that you are not overly attached (or limerence with this guy) which i am worried about for you, otherwise you will build up this whole thing in your head about him and live through that and turn what you are doing into a tactic to get him interested when first and foremost it's to put you on the track to get what you want by setting a standard that you find acceptable. I think there is no way around limiting contact or cutting off contact. Mainly because of the way you've spoken about him here like he's more important in your life than you are & it's sounding a little desperate TBH. My friend that I gave the example of that kept contact with the guy she is now with & worked with and was friendly with him. Is a natural at detaching and was actively dating other guys and has super healthy self esteem--unless you are in that place yourself, I think you should limit or cut off contact. You can't be scared that you will lose him--that's exactly why you've ended up in this predicament. Act as if (or hopefully become as if) you don't give AF if you lose him. Let's be real, it's not the friendship you think it is anyway. It's you boosting his ego, him dangling a carrot of a possible relationship & you hoping it will happen---cloaked in the title of a friendship. Where you do all the work & he does very little and it's chipping away at your self-esteem and your belief that this is good enough for you or that you could be with someone else. I would spend your time bolstering your belief that you can and will find someone else. You're right. And yeah I do feel humiliated.. but like I said, he and I have done this back and forth for a year now.. its pathetically, natural. so I will take your advice, not call, be polite when he does and try to get over him. 1
Author MeganM2020 Posted July 21, 2020 Author Posted July 21, 2020 20 minutes ago, SumGuy said: Sounds like you are in the gray zone between friends and lovers. More importantly he sounds like he has serious trouble with his emotional response to relationships, very avoidant. He basically doesn't have his head together or really know what he wants...and his subconscious is really messing with him on this one. He has these wonderful strong feelings but doesn't want them, why? Why not? What is he afraid of, what is the worse case scenario...you break up? Or does he have more serious mental issues from his past or going on? I'm incredibly surprised no one asked how old he is. This kind of indecision and unknowing behavior is pretty typical of the young and/or inexperienced and/or those who had a dysfunctional home. Nevertheless it gets tiring no matter the source. I wouldn't wait for him to just get it, maybe some more discussion; otherwise better to look for someone who knows what they want in a relationship. yeah, hes told me the exact thing before. he is scared. Hes 35.
SumGuy Posted July 21, 2020 Posted July 21, 2020 3 minutes ago, MeganM2020 said: yeah, hes told me the exact thing before. he is scared. Hes 35. 35 is way too old in my book for this to be acceptable for his age if nothing else is going on. Now there are many other things that reasonably could make this hard, past trauma especially or other mental issues, I can get that. Yet essentially at his age, or more importantly yours, how much of a therapist vs. girlfriend do you want to be? Perhaps him trying harder is therapy, even if self directed, to get over this stuff and learn to accept strong good feelings. In that regard, I'd consider sticking around if there was a plan, set some certain starting minimum needs for you...and slowly work to more intimacy that he can deal with. Realize this could take years but progress could be had along the way. In short for me, I can deal with people having problems and issues to a large degree, what I generally have little patience for is a "can't do" attitude...of course know too well how people with depression can not just become "can do" so even then I do have some sympathy for "can't do" people.
Author MeganM2020 Posted July 21, 2020 Author Posted July 21, 2020 8 minutes ago, SumGuy said: 35 is way too old in my book for this to be acceptable for his age if nothing else is going on. Now there are many other things that reasonably could make this hard, past trauma especially or other mental issues, I can get that. Yet essentially at his age, or more importantly yours, how much of a therapist vs. girlfriend do you want to be? Perhaps him trying harder is therapy, even if self directed, to get over this stuff and learn to accept strong good feelings. In that regard, I'd consider sticking around if there was a plan, set some certain starting minimum needs for you...and slowly work to more intimacy that he can deal with. Realize this could take years but progress could be had along the way. In short for me, I can deal with people having problems and issues to a large degree, what I generally have little patience for is a "can't do" attitude...of course know too well how people with depression can not just become "can do" so even then I do have some sympathy for "can't do" people. and again, even in this situation, it seems as if the fall back, no contact would apply best..? Since you are guy.. or I assume.. lol.. and again, everyone here has had some point 100% right, where you are right is, he offered to give me what I was asking for, by calling me more often, but, I may get stuck in the web again by doing this, so it sucks,
SumGuy Posted July 21, 2020 Posted July 21, 2020 Just now, MeganM2020 said: and again, even in this situation, it seems as if the fall back, no contact would apply best..? Since you are guy.. or I assume.. lol.. and again, everyone here has had some point 100% right, where you are right is, he offered to give me what I was asking for, by calling me more often, but, I may get stuck in the web again by doing this, so it sucks, Yes I'm a guy . I can say different people have different communication styles, my girlfriend loves the call not so great on the text...I on the other hand like to always do a good morning or good night text...and ones love language can differ. Your situation seems to be a little more than just stylistic and preference differences (although those kill relationships as well). If no contact is best depends on the cause in my opinion. If it is just cold feet, and no underlying mental issues, then sure it could get him to be more proactive. I doubt it though. Another way to go if it is just cold feet or he wants to orbit you is to stay in contact and let him know you are starting to date, and don't make a secret of it but also don't flaunt it. That could make him realize he may lose a good thing if he doesn't act. So the above are ways to approach if he is just being lazy. But if it is an underlying mental issue...then the above approach is a fell good one for you or a slow way to let him go. If he has underlying mental issues, reduced contact isn't going to improve things. I suspect here there are underlying mental issues, so even if he contacts you it would be out of desperation and would not solve much. Underlying issues don't vanish or he suddenly can step up and fix himself when pressure is turned on. Depending on the issue it can just cause people to retreat within themselves. Such issues, in my opinion (but consult a professional) only can be overcome when they are recognized by the person with them, and they are addressed in a non-stigmatizing way. This takes consistency, time and support. Rare is the person who recognizes their mental issue who wants to keep it (sociopaths of course don't think they have any issues), they often desperately want to overcome it...so if it was an easy thing they could do on their own they would have. For me, I find sympathy by viewing it more like a physical illness, we don't judge people for having diabetes for example and expect them to just get over it. No one says you have to take on the work if he does have underlying mental issues of the kind I suggest. And even if you do there is no need to take them on as a girlfriend, you could take them on as a friend.
introverted1 Posted July 21, 2020 Posted July 21, 2020 OP, this guy has had a YEAR to change the status quo if that's what he wanted to do. He knows he isn't going to be rejected so the only reason for holding back is because he is perfectly happy with things the way they are. Quit listening to his words or your hopes and take a cold hard look at his actions. Ready the posts from Versace over and over; she nails it. 1
Versacehottie Posted July 21, 2020 Posted July 21, 2020 6 hours ago, MeganM2020 said: You're right. And yeah I do feel humiliated.. but like I said, he and I have done this back and forth for a year now.. its pathetically, natural. so I will take your advice, not call, be polite when he does and try to get over him. Try not to sound defeated. I know when you are initially sad over something not working out on one hand it's natural to feel that way. Try to focus on the fact that you are taking yourself out of limbo. You are acting as the creator of your own life and taking active steps to make it what you want it to be. On that hand, it should feel freeing and full of possibilities. Especially if you focus on the fact that you are creating OPPORTUNITY for yourself, choice, etc. It may include him, it may not. Take back the power to be the one making the choice and directing yourself to where you want your life to go and the outcomes you want. A relationship takes two people so as much as you might want it with him, it's a two person thing so at a certain point you need to cut losses and at least give yourself a strategy that changes it up. The forward motion will be a good thing--it's attractive and it's scary to a guy who has been stalling, but genuinely would like to date you. It forces a decision. You are in a perfect position as well cause it's not an ultimatum like you are a couple and you are the girl waiting for a ring. It's just "you aren't giving me what i want, so I'm moving in a direction that allows that".'' ok, good luck
Versacehottie Posted July 21, 2020 Posted July 21, 2020 3 hours ago, introverted1 said: OP, this guy has had a YEAR to change the status quo if that's what he wanted to do. He knows he isn't going to be rejected so the only reason for holding back is because he is perfectly happy with things the way they are. Quit listening to his words or your hopes and take a cold hard look at his actions. Ready the posts from Versace over and over; she nails it. Awww thank you so much! This made my day lol, i did advise those girlfriends of mine by the way!! And they are engaged. (OP, don't read too much into this because your guy sounds like a particularly difficult case). Thanks!!! 1
Author MeganM2020 Posted July 22, 2020 Author Posted July 22, 2020 14 hours ago, Versacehottie said: Awww thank you so much! This made my day lol, i did advise those girlfriends of mine by the way!! And they are engaged. (OP, don't read too much into this because your guy sounds like a particularly difficult case). Thanks!!! LOL, yeah, I was happy for them, I know I have alot going on and not in my favor at this point, as long as I can just recover from the needy/clingyness aspect, and he still continues to want to keep me in his life, then I guess that is all that matters. Like everyone has said, I cant force it, and since he is in training this week, the falling back from my end, should be helpful. We shall see I suppose. I need to work on getting over it and moving on
Versacehottie Posted July 22, 2020 Posted July 22, 2020 (edited) 2 hours ago, MeganM2020 said: LOL, yeah, I was happy for them, I know I have alot going on and not in my favor at this point, as long as I can just recover from the needy/clingyness aspect, and he still continues to want to keep me in his life, then I guess that is all that matters. Like everyone has said, I cant force it, and since he is in training this week, the falling back from my end, should be helpful. We shall see I suppose. I need to work on getting over it and moving on Ok, I have to point out some of the things you said so you can start to work on how you think about things, your focus (and turning that toward yourself rather than him or any exterior person). BOLDED: *Why do YOU need to recover from being who you are? If it was needy/clingy and you need to work on it in general, ok work on that. Do not do it on the AXIS of trying to win him back. Wrong motive. The goal is to improve you as the most attract YOU. Simply that. In fact, he mislead you and has been stringing you along, so he should be low on the list to "prove" anything too. Make sure you are not using what I told you to reel him back in (that may be a by product but not the goal) . See the difference? *Um, why are you desperate to stay in HIS life? Forget that right now!! It goes counter to all the plans we've discussed and what you need to do. Why not change the axis of this to YOU? If in the future he tries to get into YOUR life, you will determine THEN if he has done enough of the right things to regain access. That needs to be your mindset with anyone. You speak of your self like you are "down here" when you need to act and be like you are permitting access to those that are worthy of you!!! See the difference? To me if you literally work on this concept the next few weeks in the simplest to biggest of ways, you will be making good progress for yourself. *About him being in training, you falling back, it being helpful, blah blah....why do you care what he is doing this week? I told you to worry about what YOU are doing this week knowing you will feel a little loss and need to keep yourself busy and progressing. You are making your life all about him even in a period of where you are cutting him off. I reiterate whatever happens if he tries to come back with a solid offer is a happy byproduct NOT the goal. Trying to make you more whole and aware of your worth and valuing it correctly within yourself is the GOAL. Then you can use your shifted mindset to get what you want in romantic relationships by being balanced about them. So what are you going to do this week? *Put your mind off the "we will see". the only person you need to trust and work on is yourself. You need to hurry because it's important to work on these mindset shifts right away and then you can start putting them into use in the real world to get what you want with dating. If you sit on your heels but don't change anything about yourself--you will end up in the same position, either with him or someone else and only have wasted time. Yes, you need to work on getting over it and be uninfluenced by thoughts of him, what he is doing, what he will think of what you are doing, etc. That doesn't matter, you do! You do the right things to put yourself first and FILTER people, including him through that filter and your thoughts that are self-focused and full of healthy self esteem and you have a extraordinary better chance at getting what you want and being happy/satisfied with it. Let's be honest, if you "got"him as things are now, it would be extremely unfulfilling and likely to decline to even worse since the patterns would be bad to begin with and he already is not bringing his best. You are teaching him that he can treat you however and you are still OK with it, which signs you up for even lower effort treatment or worse treatment in the future. I have another story for you. Another friend/colleague went back and forth with a non-committal guy for a few years. Similar to you though they were actually dating. When she finally cut it off--and she said it was hard because being in limbo with someone is hard, especially if they aren't outright mean to you and do give you little things to hold onto--she met the love of her life like 7 weeks later, right as she was about to move cross country; the new boyfriend followed her cross country and they got married. She was blown away because she'd spent so many years in the back forth pattern, she was almost stunned that it was easy & he wanted to commit. You can't underestimate the negative thinking that allowing this type of person and behavior into your life will do--it kind of etches new thought patterns or grooves of how you think about yourself, your worth, your dating options, men, their motives. Take personal responsibility to make it better and work on your self esteem. It won't fail you. Edited July 22, 2020 by Versacehottie
Author MeganM2020 Posted July 22, 2020 Author Posted July 22, 2020 2 hours ago, Versacehottie said: Ok, I have to point out some of the things you said so you can start to work on how you think about things, your focus (and turning that toward yourself rather than him or any exterior person). BOLDED: *Why do YOU need to recover from being who you are? If it was needy/clingy and you need to work on it in general, ok work on that. Do not do it on the AXIS of trying to win him back. Wrong motive. The goal is to improve you as the most attract YOU. Simply that. In fact, he mislead you and has been stringing you along, so he should be low on the list to "prove" anything too. Make sure you are not using what I told you to reel him back in (that may be a by product but not the goal) . See the difference? *Um, why are you desperate to stay in HIS life? Forget that right now!! It goes counter to all the plans we've discussed and what you need to do. Why not change the axis of this to YOU? If in the future he tries to get into YOUR life, you will determine THEN if he has done enough of the right things to regain access. That needs to be your mindset with anyone. You speak of your self like you are "down here" when you need to act and be like you are permitting access to those that are worthy of you!!! See the difference? To me if you literally work on this concept the next few weeks in the simplest to biggest of ways, you will be making good progress for yourself. *About him being in training, you falling back, it being helpful, blah blah....why do you care what he is doing this week? I told you to worry about what YOU are doing this week knowing you will feel a little loss and need to keep yourself busy and progressing. You are making your life all about him even in a period of where you are cutting him off. I reiterate whatever happens if he tries to come back with a solid offer is a happy byproduct NOT the goal. Trying to make you more whole and aware of your worth and valuing it correctly within yourself is the GOAL. Then you can use your shifted mindset to get what you want in romantic relationships by being balanced about them. So what are you going to do this week? *Put your mind off the "we will see". the only person you need to trust and work on is yourself. You need to hurry because it's important to work on these mindset shifts right away and then you can start putting them into use in the real world to get what you want with dating. If you sit on your heels but don't change anything about yourself--you will end up in the same position, either with him or someone else and only have wasted time. Yes, you need to work on getting over it and be uninfluenced by thoughts of him, what he is doing, what he will think of what you are doing, etc. That doesn't matter, you do! You do the right things to put yourself first and FILTER people, including him through that filter and your thoughts that are self-focused and full of healthy self esteem and you have a extraordinary better chance at getting what you want and being happy/satisfied with it. Let's be honest, if you "got"him as things are now, it would be extremely unfulfilling and likely to decline to even worse since the patterns would be bad to begin with and he already is not bringing his best. You are teaching him that he can treat you however and you are still OK with it, which signs you up for even lower effort treatment or worse treatment in the future. I have another story for you. Another friend/colleague went back and forth with a non-committal guy for a few years. Similar to you though they were actually dating. When she finally cut it off--and she said it was hard because being in limbo with someone is hard, especially if they aren't outright mean to you and do give you little things to hold onto--she met the love of her life like 7 weeks later, right as she was about to move cross country; the new boyfriend followed her cross country and they got married. She was blown away because she'd spent so many years in the back forth pattern, she was almost stunned that it was easy & he wanted to commit. You can't underestimate the negative thinking that allowing this type of person and behavior into your life will do--it kind of etches new thought patterns or grooves of how you think about yourself, your worth, your dating options, men, their motives. Take personal responsibility to make it better and work on your self esteem. It won't fail you. You are absolutely 100% right, I need to break the mentality cycle. You're right, im still making it about whether he will come around or not. Just the thought of trying to break a habit is what is hard! I just need to get started, just dont know where to get mentally to do that.
Versacehottie Posted July 22, 2020 Posted July 22, 2020 2 hours ago, MeganM2020 said: You are absolutely 100% right, I need to break the mentality cycle. You're right, im still making it about whether he will come around or not. Just the thought of trying to break a habit is what is hard! I just need to get started, just dont know where to get mentally to do that. That's why i tried to point out thought by thought in what you wrote where your thinking is a hinderance to you getting out of this cycle, over him and into attracting better guys who will treat you better. Part of what it says when you think and convey the thoughts that you wrote above--which i guarantee you follow you around in your day to day conversations and wording when you talk to him, other guys, probably other people as well is that you are messaging all of these people about how to treat you & that you are putting them above yourself which makes them value you less. It does start with you. And your mindset. It's a win win if you can do it successfully. The goal is to get you in a better headspace where you can get what you want and draw the line at b.s. for your own good in the big picture. Better thinking will absolutely help you do that. If you post again and I notice thought patterns I will write out how you should shift them like i did to help you if i see the post. Hang in there.
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